Relationship feels impure after she slept with someone else on a circumstantial break

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tomrichards4
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#1
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#1
This happened during a 2 month break that occurred due to me being out of the country during that time.

To expand upon this, we met each other 2 months before I left and were pretty crazy about each other, however sadly thought it would be best to not stay together due to the uncertainty of when I would come back and if things could work out long term for us. It was a strange situation though, as we (very stupidly it turns out as it has resulted in much hurt and misunderstanding) continued to speak basically as if we were still together as our feelings had not changed for each other, it was merely physical proximity keeping us apart.

When I returned, we got back together almost instantly and it was bliss until about 2 weeks later when she told me that she had slept with someone else while I was away. It was a one night thing with a random friend of a friend at a party that she very much regrets and a big part of it was to try and get over me since she did not have the same optimism about our future as I did. I personally did not do anything with anyone else while we were apart since I knew I did not want to ruin my chances of getting back with her, and based on the way that we were speaking and how we still felt about each other I falsely assumed that she was not doing anything with anyone else.

I try not blame her for it, as I am aware of the fact that exclusivity is not something that can be assumed, and in some way blame myself for not making things clearer. I wish she had told me when it had happened so that I would not feel mislead and would have known where we had stood, but she says that she assumed that I was getting up to similar things as her and did not want to know what I was doing in that regard.

It is just a horrible feeling that someone else was with her in that way between us having a break and getting back together. How can I not view our relationship as tainted by this guy in some way? Stuff that happened before we met does not bother me in the slightest but this really does due to when it occurred, and I would do anything to rid myself of these feelings.

I suppose it comes down to whether it is something that I can live and deal with or not, and to be honest in most situations I would realistically battle to get over it and probably tell her that it is best that we move on, but I really love her and want to make this work. Would appreciate some insight and advice on how to not let this plague me and the relationship
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username4591444
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#2
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#2
Either decision would be understandable, maybe you need to follow your instinct on this one and imagine if this would still bother you in 1 year.
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Scotney
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#3
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#3
(Original post by tomrichards4)
This happened during a 2 month break that occurred due to me being out of the country during that time.

To expand upon this, we met each other 2 months before I left and were pretty crazy about each other, however sadly thought it would be best to not stay together due to the uncertainty of when I would come back and if things could work out long term for us. It was a strange situation though, as we (very stupidly it turns out as it has resulted in much hurt and misunderstanding) continued to speak basically as if we were still together as our feelings had not changed for each other, it was merely physical proximity keeping us apart.

When I returned, we got back together almost instantly and it was bliss until about 2 weeks later when she told me that she had slept with someone else while I was away. It was a one night thing with a random friend of a friend at a party that she very much regrets and a big part of it was to try and get over me since she did not have the same optimism about our future as I did. I personally did not do anything with anyone else while we were apart since I knew I did not want to ruin my chances of getting back with her, and based on the way that we were speaking and how we still felt about each other I falsely assumed that she was not doing anything with anyone else.

I try not blame her for it, as I am aware of the fact that exclusivity is not something that can be assumed, and in some way blame myself for not making things clearer. I wish she had told me when it had happened so that I would not feel mislead and would have known where we had stood, but she says that she assumed that I was getting up to similar things as her and did not want to know what I was doing in that regard.

It is just a horrible feeling that someone else was with her in that way between us having a break and getting back together. How can I not view our relationship as tainted by this guy in some way? Stuff that happened before we met does not bother me in the slightest but this really does due to when it occurred, and I would do anything to rid myself of these feelings.

I suppose it comes down to whether it is something that I can live and deal with or not, and to be honest in most situations I would realistically battle to get over it and probably tell her that it is best that we move on, but I really love her and want to make this work. Would appreciate some insight and advice on how to not let this plague me and the relationship
Is it down to a lack of trust going forward or is it purely your pride that is hurt.It strikes me it could be your moral code has been crossed but only you can judge what you can deal with.Did she really doubt your future together at that point would be the question.I think you should discuss her motivations and reservations with her again and then make your mind up.
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Surnia
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#4
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#4
It bothers you that a single girl has sex with someone?

You didn't want to be together and wouldn't commit to being in an LDR for a couple of months, so sounds like you are trying to shift the blame for feeling bad on to some unknown guy. Plus neither of you know how to communicate properly; doesn't sound like the basis for a great relationship. Maybe you could prove me wrong by taking some responsibility for your part in what happened.
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tomrichards4
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#5
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#5
(Original post by xxx0xxxo)
Either decision would be understandable, maybe you need to follow your instinct on this one and imagine if this would still bother you in 1 year.
Yeah that is a good way of looking at it, time will tell I guess.
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tomrichards4
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Scotney)
Is it down to a lack of trust going forward or is it purely your pride that is hurt.It strikes me it could be your moral code has been crossed but only you can judge what you can deal with.Did she really doubt your future together at that point would be the question.I think you should discuss her motivations and reservations with her again and then make your mind up.
It isn't a lack of trust as I know she would never do anything like that while we are fully dating, it more comes down to the impact it has had on altering the 'clean slate' that our relationship between us initially had. She really did doubt our future together and is extremely remorseful and supportive of me, so in terms of that she cannot do much more at this stage. I just need to find a way to separate what happened from affecting how pure I view our relationship at this stage.
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tomrichards4
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#7
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#7
(Original post by Surnia)
It bothers you that a single girl has sex with someone?

You didn't want to be together and wouldn't commit to being in an LDR for a couple of months, so sounds like you are trying to shift the blame for feeling bad on to some unknown guy. Plus neither of you know how to communicate properly; doesn't sound like the basis for a great relationship. Maybe you could prove me wrong by taking some responsibility for your part in what happened.
It bothers me that a girl I love had sex with someone else. What made it way worse for me is the timing of when I found out, as finding out only after we got back together made it seem like I got back together with her under false pretenses. But I know what you mean in terms of taking responsibility for my part. I am aware that I am every much a part of what happened due to not being clear with her and relying on assumptions, which is why I do not blame her for what had happened as I understand her perspective. Regardless of blame though, it still happened and I just want to find a way to not see our relationship as tainted by what happened between me leaving and coming back.
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Scotney
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#8
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#8
(Original post by tomrichards4)
It isn't a lack of trust as I know she would never do anything like that while we are fully dating, it more comes down to the impact it has had on altering the 'clean slate' that our relationship between us initially had. She really did doubt our future together and is extremely remorseful and supportive of me, so in terms of that she cannot do much more at this stage. I just need to find a way to separate what happened from affecting how pure I view our relationship at this stage.
Well you either let it go or you lose her.Your choice but people are rarely perfect and you would be wise to accept that early on in a relationship because it is true.
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Mesopotamian.
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#9
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#9
If you were both still in regular contact and had mutual feelings for each other, why did she doubt the future of your relationship and use that reason to justify her choices? It doesn’t really add up.
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tomrichards4
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Mesopotamian.)
If you were both still in regular contact and had mutual feelings for each other, why did she doubt the future of your relationship and use that reason to justify her choices? It doesn’t really add up.
From my understanding her insecurities got the better of her. Her last boyfriend cheated on her to be fair so I don't think she had the best view of guys in her mind, and we had only known each other for a short time before I left so there was not enough time to convince her that I was different. One positive of this is that she now knows that I would never do something like that I suppose.
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Surnia
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#11
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#11
(Original post by tomrichards4)
It bothers me that a girl I love had sex with someone else. What made it way worse for me is the timing of when I found out, as finding out only after we got back together made it seem like I got back together with her under false pretenses. But I know what you mean in terms of taking responsibility for my part. I am aware that I am every much a part of what happened due to not being clear with her and relying on assumptions, which is why I do not blame her for what had happened as I understand her perspective. Regardless of blame though, it still happened and I just want to find a way to not see our relationship as tainted by what happened between me leaving and coming back.
But most people have a sexual history! This may be very recent, but unless you always date virgins, you're likely to be going out with someone who had sex with someone else. Have you never slept with anyone? What about the guy before the guy she slept with; she was in a relationship prior to you, as well.

If you want it to work, you will, and you'll stop making excuses like things feel 'tainted' as it's double standards when you wouldn't commit.
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tomrichards4
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Surnia)
But most people have a sexual history! This may be very recent, but unless you always date virgins, you're likely to be going out with someone who had sex with someone else. Have you never slept with anyone? What about the guy before the guy she slept with; she was in a relationship prior to you, as well.

If you want it to work, you will, and you'll stop making excuses like things feel 'tainted' as it's double standards when you wouldn't commit.
I get what you are saying. I have had a sexual past similar to hers prior to us meeting each other, and her past before we met does not bother me as it had nothing to do with me so it is not a case of retroactive jealousy. This is just different in the way that we were speaking and the timing of when I found out, and the fact that it occurred between us being together. But you are right in saying if I want it to work I will, and I do want it to work, which is why I am trying my best to try and get over what I am feeling right now.
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Anonymous #1
#13
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#13
She might not be telling the full truth. “Once, with a friend at a party” could actually be, a guy she’d been talking/flirting with for weeks before they did it, and the other guys aren’t her friends so they don’t “count” stay safe man, you can’t conclude anything with certainty right now. It’s up to you whether or not you go on.
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MachFive
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#14
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#14
(Original post by tomrichards4)
This happened during a 2 month break that occurred due to me being out of the country during that time.

To expand upon this, we met each other 2 months before I left and were pretty crazy about each other, however sadly thought it would be best to not stay together due to the uncertainty of when I would come back and if things could work out long term for us. It was a strange situation though, as we (very stupidly it turns out as it has resulted in much hurt and misunderstanding) continued to speak basically as if we were still together as our feelings had not changed for each other, it was merely physical proximity keeping us apart.

When I returned, we got back together almost instantly and it was bliss until about 2 weeks later when she told me that she had slept with someone else while I was away. It was a one night thing with a random friend of a friend at a party that she very much regrets and a big part of it was to try and get over me since she did not have the same optimism about our future as I did. I personally did not do anything with anyone else while we were apart since I knew I did not want to ruin my chances of getting back with her, and based on the way that we were speaking and how we still felt about each other I falsely assumed that she was not doing anything with anyone else.

I try not blame her for it, as I am aware of the fact that exclusivity is not something that can be assumed, and in some way blame myself for not making things clearer. I wish she had told me when it had happened so that I would not feel mislead and would have known where we had stood, but she says that she assumed that I was getting up to similar things as her and did not want to know what I was doing in that regard.

It is just a horrible feeling that someone else was with her in that way between us having a break and getting back together. How can I not view our relationship as tainted by this guy in some way? Stuff that happened before we met does not bother me in the slightest but this really does due to when it occurred, and I would do anything to rid myself of these feelings.

I suppose it comes down to whether it is something that I can live and deal with or not, and to be honest in most situations I would realistically battle to get over it and probably tell her that it is best that we move on, but I really love her and want to make this work. Would appreciate some insight and advice on how to not let this plague me and the relationship
This will actually e a good question.
Did you know of any similar events in her past that shes told you about?
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londonmyst
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#15
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#15
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
If you view it as a big issue that she got involved with another guy when she was single and feel unable to continue the relationship on positive terms due to her past sexual activity while the two of you were on a break, you know that it is time to move on.

My last relationship ended seven years ago when I walked out on the ex because I discovered that we were sexually incompatible and he was std infected as a result of his sordid high risk secret antics with sex workers.
Good luck!
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tomrichards4
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#16
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#16
Thank you everyone for the responses. She has shown as much remorse as she possibly could regarding what happened and is very supportive with how it affects me so I am definitely going to give our relationship a chance and realise that what happened is in the past and just be grateful that we are now together with no complications or miscommunications. No one is perfect and the start of relationships are often rocky and not straightforward as people don't often know whether to commit to a person they don't know that well yet, especially under difficult circumstances with being in different countries etc. I'm feeling good about things and appreciate everyone's inputs.
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londonmyst
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#17
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#17
(Original post by tomrichards4)
Thank you everyone for the responses. She has shown as much remorse as she possibly could regarding what happened and is very supportive with how it affects me so I am definitely going to give our relationship a chance and realise that what happened is in the past and just be grateful that we are now together with no complications or miscommunications. No one is perfect and the start of relationships are often rocky and not straightforward as people don't often know whether to commit to a person they don't know that well yet, especially under difficult circumstances with being in different countries etc. I'm feeling good about things and appreciate everyone's inputs.
Good luck!
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Anonymous #2
#18
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#18
she did it while she was single, you 2 had no commitment in that time and she had the right to whatever she pleases
if you still have a problem with that then just break up, being mad, insecure or overprotective wont undo anything
maybe the real issue is that you're jealous?
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tomrichards4
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
she did it while she was single, you 2 had no commitment in that time and she had the right to whatever she pleases
if you still have a problem with that then just break up, being mad, insecure or overprotective wont undo anything
maybe the real issue is that you're jealous?
Well of course I am jealous. We would not have ended had I not had to leave the country for that period of time and someone else doing that with a girl you feel strongly about is a horrible feeling whether you are with her or not. But I acknowledge that and am working through things for myself and feel there is a good chance I can get through it.
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Scotney
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#20
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#20
(Original post by tomrichards4)
Thank you everyone for the responses. She has shown as much remorse as she possibly could regarding what happened and is very supportive with how it affects me so I am definitely going to give our relationship a chance and realise that what happened is in the past and just be grateful that we are now together with no complications or miscommunications. No one is perfect and the start of relationships are often rocky and not straightforward as people don't often know whether to commit to a person they don't know that well yet, especially under difficult circumstances with being in different countries etc. I'm feeling good about things and appreciate everyone's inputs.
I hope you will both be very happy. Remember look forward in life not back and have lots of fun.
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