Struggling to bond with people at uni

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Hi,
I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm really frustrated by this now.
I'm 19 and started uni a month ago. I've always had this stern kinda personality, so I'm physically unable to laugh and I can't banter or joke with people. When I am in a conversation and hear a joke, the only response I'm able to produce is this fake laugh, which sounds like a breath. Friendship groups have already formed here, and being able to banter and joke with each other was the reason that people could bond. They have reached the level of friendship that they're able to say things to each other, which would be considered offensive if said to someone else (insults). I have a lot of acquaintances, but no good friends, because I'm not able to go past the "how are you?", "How was your day?" Stage with anyone. I'm the background friend in the group. You know, the friend that walks behind the group when the pavement is too narrow and is always on the end of the group because no one wants to talk to me. I really want to change this, as it was a problem throughout school and I've had enough.

Is it possible to change this personality, so that I'm more fun to be with?
0
reply
lemonadetea
Badges: 16
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
Don’t see it as having to change yourself, rather an opportunity to meet people who you get on with! Try and join some extra curricular activities where you may find some more people with a similar mentality or who find your personality appealing!
0
reply
dead line
Badges: 6
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
maybe if you have any notable interests you could find friends who have similar ones. but if you dont feel like you could be close with anyone in your class you dont have to force it, sometimes there just WONT be strong compatibility
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#4
Report 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi,
I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm really frustrated by this now.
I'm 19 and started uni a month ago. I've always had this stern kinda personality, so I'm physically unable to laugh and I can't banter or joke with people. When I am in a conversation and hear a joke, the only response I'm able to produce is this fake laugh, which sounds like a breath. Friendship groups have already formed here, and being able to banter and joke with each other was the reason that people could bond. They have reached the level of friendship that they're able to say things to each other, which would be considered offensive if said to someone else (insults). I have a lot of acquaintances, but no good friends, because I'm not able to go past the "how are you?", "How was your day?" Stage with anyone. I'm the background friend in the group. You know, the friend that walks behind the group when the pavement is too narrow and is always on the end of the group because no one wants to talk to me. I really want to change this, as it was a problem throughout school and I've had enough.

Is it possible to change this personality, so that I'm more fun to be with?
How do you expect to get friends being an academic? Me and my friends would never date anyone who's academic
3
reply
Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by lemonadetea)
Don’t see it as having to change yourself, rather an opportunity to meet people who you get on with! Try and join some extra curricular activities where you may find some more people with a similar mentality or who find your personality appealing!
Alright, I've joined a few societies at my universities, but haven't yet met anyone with a similar personality to me. And how can I address that issue of not being able to banter or joke and laugh? I understand that that's a different problem.
0
reply
aaron2578
Badges: 15
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi,
I'm sorry for the rant, but I'm really frustrated by this now.
I'm 19 and started uni a month ago. I've always had this stern kinda personality, so I'm physically unable to laugh and I can't banter or joke with people. When I am in a conversation and hear a joke, the only response I'm able to produce is this fake laugh, which sounds like a breath. Friendship groups have already formed here, and being able to banter and joke with each other was the reason that people could bond. They have reached the level of friendship that they're able to say things to each other, which would be considered offensive if said to someone else (insults). I have a lot of acquaintances, but no good friends, because I'm not able to go past the "how are you?", "How was your day?" Stage with anyone. I'm the background friend in the group. You know, the friend that walks behind the group when the pavement is too narrow and is always on the end of the group because no one wants to talk to me. I really want to change this, as it was a problem throughout school and I've had enough.

Is it possible to change this personality, so that I'm more fun to be with?
Don't change yourself for other people. You are you.

I have a friend who's like you, he has a stern personality, can't banter, has a different sense of humour to everyone else and he literally has one other friend other than me. When he was briefly 'in' a friendship group he was almost always forgotten about (hence why I said 'in'). He's also very academic. But he's great, most others don't think so but I really do and so does his other friend. You'll meet like-minded people, just don't force yourself to get closer to people that just aren't suitable/you don't click with.

Try to meet people, for example through societies, but don't go to places that will take you to the wrong kinds of people - by this I mean I would never go clubbing, even if i had no friends and was starved of opportunities to meet new people, because 1) I know I would hate it and 2) I won't become close to the kind of people there anyway.

Hope this helps, good luck!
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by aaron2578)
Don't change yourself for other people. You are you.

I have a friend who's like you, he has a stern personality, can't banter, has a different sense of humour to everyone else and he literally has one other friend other than me. When he was briefly 'in' a friendship group he was almost always forgotten about (hence why I said 'in'). He's also very academic. But he's great, most others don't think so but I really do and so does his other friend. You'll meet like-minded people, just don't force yourself to get closer to people that just aren't suitable/you don't click with.

Try to meet people, for example through societies, but don't go to places that will take you to the wrong kinds of people - by this I mean I would never go clubbing, even if i had no friends and was starved of opportunities to meet new people, because 1) I know I would hate it and 2) I won't become close to the kind of people there anyway.

Hope this helps, good luck!
Thanks for this advice Aaron. So do you think that 1-2 good friends who you can trust is better than a group of friends. I do know a few people who I just click with. Rather than trying to change myself to fit in this group, should I work on bonding with those people?
0
reply
aaron2578
Badges: 15
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#8
Report 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
Thanks for this advice Aaron. So do you think that 1-2 good friends who you can trust is better than a group of friends. I do know a few people who I just click with. Rather than trying to change myself to fit in this group, should I work on bonding with those people?
Of course, having 2 or 3 close friends should be a priority (compared to other friends), personally I only have 5 friends but I'm really close to 2 of them and they're really supportive, having them has changed my life around.

Other than actively finding opportunities to meet people, you shouldn't really need to 'work on' bonding with people. As long as you talk to them kind of frequently you should naturally bond with those who you click with.
0
reply
Pallavi_xoxo
Badges: 1
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#9
Report 1 month ago
#9
okay i'm only 16 and not in uni yet, so i may not have the best angle on this, but i'll try my best. one or two deep friendships are a thousand times better than ten fake ones. when there are fewer of you, are actually given the opportunity to display every single side of yourself - the sides of you that large groups of people may have misjudged and deemed as stoic or boring, which just a couple of attentive and caring friends, could grow to adore friendship is all about compromise - giving their interests your attention, despite you not being particularly fond of them. supporting by giving them advice, calling them out on their wrongdoings, but ultimately loving them no matter what. i have a friend who is actually VERY similar to you, and despite me having a rather extroverted and bubbly personality, and us being very different to one another, she is still the friend i love most amongst all of them. sure she doesn't laugh at my cheesy jokes, and she has very different tastes in literally every aspect of life to me, but she listens when i need to rant, she comforts me when i'm upset, and she doesn't call the things i'm passionate about stupid (side note i'm pretty sure i'm in love with her but that's a different matter loll) i am sure that as long as you invest the energy you may be exerting by trying to please the masses, into befriending one or two genuine, caring people, you are sure to make bonds that will last for life <3 good luck, and i hope this helps!!

also, about the banter; that isn't all you need to be funny in conversation. sarcasm can manifest in many forms, and it still makes people laugh. if you can't make fun of others, just make fun of yourself a little - self-depricative humour always makes people laugh. obviously don't tear down the walls of your ego, but pulling a little fun at yourself allows people to understand you can be a light hearted person, who isn't too proud and stubborn to laugh at others jokes, and it makes others relate to you/like you more!
Last edited by Pallavi_xoxo; 1 month ago
1
reply
Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#10
(Original post by Pallavi_xoxo)
okay i'm only 16 and not in uni yet, so i may not have the best angle on this, but i'll try my best. one or two deep friendships are a thousand times better than ten fake ones. when there are fewer of you, are actually given the opportunity to display every single side of yourself - the sides of you that large groups of people may have misjudged and deemed as stoic or boring, which just a couple of attentive and caring friends, could grow to adore friendship is all about compromise - giving their interests your attention, despite you not being particularly fond of them. supporting by giving them advice, calling them out on their wrongdoings, but ultimately loving them no matter what. i have a friend who is actually VERY similar to you, and despite me having a rather extroverted and bubbly personality, and us being very different to one another, she is still the friend i love most amongst all of them. sure she doesn't laugh at my cheesy jokes, and she has very different tastes in literally every aspect of life to me, but she listens when i need to rant, she comforts me when i'm upset, and she doesn't call the things i'm passionate about stupid (side note i'm pretty sure i'm in love with her but that's a different matter loll) i am sure that as long as you invest the energy you may be exerting by trying to please the masses, into befriending one or two genuine, caring people, you are sure to make bonds that will last for life <3 good luck, and i hope this helps!!

also, about the banter; that isn't all you need to be funny in conversation. sarcasm can manifest in many forms, and it still makes people laugh. if you can't make fun of others, just make fun of yourself a little - self-depricative humour always makes people laugh. obviously don't tear down the walls of your ego, but pulling a little fun at yourself allows people to understand you can be a light hearted person, who isn't too proud and stubborn to laugh at others jokes, and it makes others relate to you/like you more!
Hey Pallavi, I really appreciate your helpful response. Thanks.
I didn't think that if you find the right kind of people, they may end up loving your personality even if it's stoic and boring as you said. I think I had the misconception, that the only way to get people to like you is to be extroverted and bubbly. I just need to find the people the people that I click with, which you know just by your instinct, and the bonding will happen naturally.
1
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

How would you describe the quality of the digital skills you're taught at school?

Excellent (32)
9.73%
Okay (97)
29.48%
A bit lacking (119)
36.17%
Not good at all (81)
24.62%

Watched Threads

View All