Creative Writing: A Desolated place.
Hello, please could someone briefly mark my creative writing short story of a desolated place. I would love to hear some feedback, thank you!
Creative Writing.
Description: Alone in a desolate place with a bench and a lamp post beside it as a storm occurs above.
CLASH! BOOM! Slashing sounds of thunder deafened my ears like an explosion. The lightning blinding my eyes as it roared with the deathly chaos above. Darkening the sky left me hopeless; there was nobody to signal out to. My legs shook with adrenaline, engraving the rubble beneath. I was alone, lonely bench in the desolate landscape upon me: nowhere to go. My wooden structure moaned simultaneously as the hailing rain crashed on me. The melancholy clouds over casted the sky as it suffocated the dull sun. The turbulence sea rippled over each other, playing rapidly as they rocked into the rocks.
Polishing the rocks’ surfaces, my structure was far from polished. It was damped with the aggression of moisture as it evaporates into me. The dancing trees swayed side to side as they were eager to touch the sky. Their congregating bristles hung on for dear life as the musical birds sang away bewilderedly. The glaring lamp post scanned the scenery like a bodyguard, stood straight. Crashing and clashing together, the waves in front agitated me as the circulating wind uncomforted me. Where can I go? I cannot practically call for help. I was only a bench after all. The glistening puddles glanced aggressively as the roaring bolts feeds them. The intended ivy climbed up the towering trees eagerly.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like an explosion. The spitting sea snips at my flesh aggressively, engulfing the path way. Momentarily, the lamp flickered – enveloping a sign of life. The covetous rumble lit the horizon above as the burning trees yelled with agony. The whirling wind faded the horizon, hiding the suffering like a merciless criminal. Firing flames grew like a firework display as the wind feeds its hunger. Suddenly, the storm stopped. The sun started to rise above the dull town. Is it really over? The populated windows started to glisten like stars as the vulnerable doors flung open desperately. Sounds of relished families, walking gracefully passed me. I was no longer alone.
Creative Writing.
Description: Alone in a desolate place with a bench and a lamp post beside it as a storm occurs above.
CLASH! BOOM! Slashing sounds of thunder deafened my ears like an explosion. The lightning blinding my eyes as it roared with the deathly chaos above. Darkening the sky left me hopeless; there was nobody to signal out to. My legs shook with adrenaline, engraving the rubble beneath. I was alone, lonely bench in the desolate landscape upon me: nowhere to go. My wooden structure moaned simultaneously as the hailing rain crashed on me. The melancholy clouds over casted the sky as it suffocated the dull sun. The turbulence sea rippled over each other, playing rapidly as they rocked into the rocks.
Polishing the rocks’ surfaces, my structure was far from polished. It was damped with the aggression of moisture as it evaporates into me. The dancing trees swayed side to side as they were eager to touch the sky. Their congregating bristles hung on for dear life as the musical birds sang away bewilderedly. The glaring lamp post scanned the scenery like a bodyguard, stood straight. Crashing and clashing together, the waves in front agitated me as the circulating wind uncomforted me. Where can I go? I cannot practically call for help. I was only a bench after all. The glistening puddles glanced aggressively as the roaring bolts feeds them. The intended ivy climbed up the towering trees eagerly.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like an explosion. The spitting sea snips at my flesh aggressively, engulfing the path way. Momentarily, the lamp flickered – enveloping a sign of life. The covetous rumble lit the horizon above as the burning trees yelled with agony. The whirling wind faded the horizon, hiding the suffering like a merciless criminal. Firing flames grew like a firework display as the wind feeds its hunger. Suddenly, the storm stopped. The sun started to rise above the dull town. Is it really over? The populated windows started to glisten like stars as the vulnerable doors flung open desperately. Sounds of relished families, walking gracefully passed me. I was no longer alone.
(edited 2 years ago)
Original post by Leah Brayshaw
Hello, please could someone briefly mark my creative writing short story of a desolated place. I would love to hear some feedback, thank you!
Creative Writing.
Description: Alone in a desolate place with a bench and a lamp post beside it as a storm occurs above.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like a siren. The lightning blinding my eyes as it rumbled with the deathly thunder above. Darkening the sky left me hopeless; there was nobody to signal out to. My legs shook with adrenaline, engraving the rumble beneath. I was alone, alone in the desolate landscape upon me: nowhere to go. My wooden structure moaned simultaneously as the hailing rain crashed on me. The melancholy clouds over casted the sky as it suffocated the blinding sun. The turbulence sea ripples over each other, playing rapidly as they clashed into the rocks.
Polishing the rocks’ surfaces, my structure was far from polished. It was damped with the aggression of moisture as it evaporates into me. I was cold. The dancing trees swayed side to side as they were eager to touch the sky. Their congregating bristles hung on for dear life as the musical birds sang away bewilderedly. The glaring lamp post scanned the scenery like a bodyguard, stood straight. Crashing of the waves in front agitated me as the circulating wind uncomforted me. Where can I go? I cannot practically call for help. I am a thing. The glistening puddles glanced aggressively as the roaring thunder feeds them. The ignorant ivy climbed up the towering trees eagerly.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like sirens. The spitting sea snips at my flesh aggressively, engulfing the path way. Momentarily, the lamp flickered – enveloping a sign of life. The covetous thunder lit the horizon above as the burning trees yelled with agony. The whirling wind faded the horizon, hiding the suffering like a merciless criminal. Firing flames grew like a firework display as the wind feeds its hunger. Suddenly, the storm stopped. The sun started to rise above the dull town. Is it really over? Yes. The populated windows started to glisten like stars as the screeching doors flung open desperately. Sounds of relished families, walking gracefully passed me. I am no longer alone.
Creative Writing.
Description: Alone in a desolate place with a bench and a lamp post beside it as a storm occurs above.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like a siren. The lightning blinding my eyes as it rumbled with the deathly thunder above. Darkening the sky left me hopeless; there was nobody to signal out to. My legs shook with adrenaline, engraving the rumble beneath. I was alone, alone in the desolate landscape upon me: nowhere to go. My wooden structure moaned simultaneously as the hailing rain crashed on me. The melancholy clouds over casted the sky as it suffocated the blinding sun. The turbulence sea ripples over each other, playing rapidly as they clashed into the rocks.
Polishing the rocks’ surfaces, my structure was far from polished. It was damped with the aggression of moisture as it evaporates into me. I was cold. The dancing trees swayed side to side as they were eager to touch the sky. Their congregating bristles hung on for dear life as the musical birds sang away bewilderedly. The glaring lamp post scanned the scenery like a bodyguard, stood straight. Crashing of the waves in front agitated me as the circulating wind uncomforted me. Where can I go? I cannot practically call for help. I am a thing. The glistening puddles glanced aggressively as the roaring thunder feeds them. The ignorant ivy climbed up the towering trees eagerly.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like sirens. The spitting sea snips at my flesh aggressively, engulfing the path way. Momentarily, the lamp flickered – enveloping a sign of life. The covetous thunder lit the horizon above as the burning trees yelled with agony. The whirling wind faded the horizon, hiding the suffering like a merciless criminal. Firing flames grew like a firework display as the wind feeds its hunger. Suddenly, the storm stopped. The sun started to rise above the dull town. Is it really over? Yes. The populated windows started to glisten like stars as the screeching doors flung open desperately. Sounds of relished families, walking gracefully passed me. I am no longer alone.
You've got a really good start! First things first, you need a line of space between each paragraph to stop it from becoming a giant wall of text and lowering the readability. Another thing would be to try and show instead of telling certain things: instead 'I was cold', you could try 'A breath of frigid wind washed over me and I shivered, goosebumps rising on my skin as I rubbed at my arms in an attempt to conjure up just one spot of warmth, hungry for anything that might take away the cold.'. Adding these touches can really help with the imagery as you are describing the sensation rather than simply stating it; it just makes for more interesting reading. I would also not have 'CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like sirens.' part repeated as your piece is very short and it doesn't read as well with only one paragraph between the two. If your piece was a lot longer (perhaps around 1,500 to 2,000 words) it would make more narrative sense to the repetition, but as they're so close together it just reads a little strange.
Another thing you can try is varying the length of your sentences a bit more as you're got quite a lot of medium or very short sentences, but very few particularly long sentences. Switching up your sentence length makes it more interesting to read and makes your writing less samey. It does make a big difference. Do remember, however, that something like this is a common edit you need to make and I know I've previously tended to have very samey sentence lengths in some of my older pieces. Writing is a skill that you'll improve at the more you do it.
You also need to make sure that your tense is consistent. In some places, you say things like 'I am' and in other places you say 'I was'; you have to pick a tense and stick to it, otherwise your story isn't going make much sense and be confusing for the reader. This can be tricky to manage at times and it's not totally uncommon to find yourself accidentally switching tense without meaning to.
I will say, however, that you've got an awesome piece and making just a few edits can really improve your work. Practice makes perfect and the more you write, the better practised you become and the better your writing will become.
Thank you so much for your advice!
Original post by Leah Brayshaw
Hello, please could someone briefly mark my creative writing short story of a desolated place. I would love to hear some feedback, thank you!
Creative Writing.
Description: Alone in a desolate place with a bench and a lamp post beside it as a storm occurs above.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like a siren. The lightning blinding my eyes as it rumbled with the deathly thunder above. Darkening the sky left me hopeless; there was nobody to signal out to. My legs shook with adrenaline, engraving the rumble beneath. I was alone, alone in the desolate landscape upon me: nowhere to go. My wooden structure moaned simultaneously as the hailing rain crashed on me. The melancholy clouds over casted the sky as it suffocated the blinding sun. The turbulence sea ripples over each other, playing rapidly as they clashed into the rocks.
Polishing the rocks’ surfaces, my structure was far from polished. It was damped with the aggression of moisture as it evaporates into me. The frigid wind echoed through my ears hauntingly, creating a foggy atmosphere around me. Goosebumps appearing as my hairs start to grow. The dancing trees swayed side to side as they were eager to touch the sky. Their congregating bristles hung on for dear life as the musical birds sang away bewilderedly. The glaring lamp post scanned the scenery like a bodyguard, stood straight. Crashing of the waves in front agitated me as the circulating wind uncomforted me. Where can I go? I cannot practically call for help. I was a thing. The glistening puddles glanced aggressively as the roaring thunder feeds them. The ignorant ivy climbed up the towering trees eagerly.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like sirens. The spitting sea snips at my flesh aggressively, engulfing the path way. Momentarily, the lamp flickered – enveloping a sign of life. The covetous thunder lit the horizon above as the burning trees yelled with agony. The whirling wind faded the horizon, hiding the suffering like a merciless criminal. Firing flames grew like a firework display as the wind feeds its hunger. Suddenly, the storm stopped. The sun started to rise above the dull town. Is it really over? Yes. The populated windows started to glisten like stars as the screeching doors flung open desperately. Sounds of relished families, walking gracefully passed me. I was no longer alone.
Creative Writing.
Description: Alone in a desolate place with a bench and a lamp post beside it as a storm occurs above.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like a siren. The lightning blinding my eyes as it rumbled with the deathly thunder above. Darkening the sky left me hopeless; there was nobody to signal out to. My legs shook with adrenaline, engraving the rumble beneath. I was alone, alone in the desolate landscape upon me: nowhere to go. My wooden structure moaned simultaneously as the hailing rain crashed on me. The melancholy clouds over casted the sky as it suffocated the blinding sun. The turbulence sea ripples over each other, playing rapidly as they clashed into the rocks.
Polishing the rocks’ surfaces, my structure was far from polished. It was damped with the aggression of moisture as it evaporates into me. The frigid wind echoed through my ears hauntingly, creating a foggy atmosphere around me. Goosebumps appearing as my hairs start to grow. The dancing trees swayed side to side as they were eager to touch the sky. Their congregating bristles hung on for dear life as the musical birds sang away bewilderedly. The glaring lamp post scanned the scenery like a bodyguard, stood straight. Crashing of the waves in front agitated me as the circulating wind uncomforted me. Where can I go? I cannot practically call for help. I was a thing. The glistening puddles glanced aggressively as the roaring thunder feeds them. The ignorant ivy climbed up the towering trees eagerly.
CLASH! BOOM! Screaming sounds of thunder deafened my ears like sirens. The spitting sea snips at my flesh aggressively, engulfing the path way. Momentarily, the lamp flickered – enveloping a sign of life. The covetous thunder lit the horizon above as the burning trees yelled with agony. The whirling wind faded the horizon, hiding the suffering like a merciless criminal. Firing flames grew like a firework display as the wind feeds its hunger. Suddenly, the storm stopped. The sun started to rise above the dull town. Is it really over? Yes. The populated windows started to glisten like stars as the screeching doors flung open desperately. Sounds of relished families, walking gracefully passed me. I was no longer alone.
I can help in any coursework, assignment, exam, dissertation, e.t.c. Please call/text/whatsapp +1 (515) 854-4976
Maybe find some synonyms for thunder and rumble, you've repeated them several times close to each other
Original post by Cote1
Great imagination but does thunder scream? It does boom and bang rather than scream.
and clap
Blinding my eye...you could maybe say 'blinded me'..... Darkening sky left me hopeless. My legs were shaking.
A suggestion - you could maybe leave out the signal bit and engrave bit and upon me.
What is the wooden structure...maybe just say what it is. If the sky is darkening the sun won't be blinding so maybe leave out the blinding sun.
You have some great use of repetition and alliteration and onomatopoeia.
You could say...the turbulent waves rippled and flowed over each other...
Goosebumps appeared as my hairs started to rise..
It was damp with moisture which seemed to seep into me...
You have some great vocabulary choices but some don't quite make sense. The ivy is probably not ignorant in this context, for example. You could try 'invasive ivy'. Stood straight....you could try...standing like a sentinel. 'Uncomforted' ....try something like 'bit into me' or lashed at me. I would remove 'relished'. I don't think the doors are screeching. You could maybe just say 'as doors were flung open'. I would remove 'Yes'. I wouldn't repeat the first sentence.
I love 'glaring lamppost' and last line.
It is very atmospheric but it is important to
just watch your tenses. They need to be consistent.
Also, not all your sentences are complete. You could try using the grammar check too maybe.
A suggestion - you could maybe leave out the signal bit and engrave bit and upon me.
What is the wooden structure...maybe just say what it is. If the sky is darkening the sun won't be blinding so maybe leave out the blinding sun.
You have some great use of repetition and alliteration and onomatopoeia.
You could say...the turbulent waves rippled and flowed over each other...
Goosebumps appeared as my hairs started to rise..
It was damp with moisture which seemed to seep into me...
You have some great vocabulary choices but some don't quite make sense. The ivy is probably not ignorant in this context, for example. You could try 'invasive ivy'. Stood straight....you could try...standing like a sentinel. 'Uncomforted' ....try something like 'bit into me' or lashed at me. I would remove 'relished'. I don't think the doors are screeching. You could maybe just say 'as doors were flung open'. I would remove 'Yes'. I wouldn't repeat the first sentence.
I love 'glaring lamppost' and last line.
It is very atmospheric but it is important to
just watch your tenses. They need to be consistent.
Also, not all your sentences are complete. You could try using the grammar check too maybe.
(edited 2 years ago)
Its really good! There is a lot of brilliant uses of sentence structure and imagery that you've used, the only things I would say is particularly in the first half of your piece, try to vary the sentence lengths a bit i.e. include more short sentences which I can see you've done in the second half. And make sure to vary some of the sentence starters so there aren't too many that begjn with 'the' hope this helps 
Original post by Cote1
Great imagination but does thunder scream? It does boom and bang rather than scream. I think it sounds less like a siren than an explosion.
Thank you for your advice!
Original post by xxx0xxxo
Maybe find some synonyms for thunder and rumble, you've repeated them several times close to each other
Will do, thank you!
Original post by Cote1
Blinding my eye...you could maybe say 'blinded me'..... Darkening sky left me hopeless. My legs were shaking.
A suggestion - you could maybe leave out the signal bit and engrave bit and upon me.
What is the wooden structure...maybe just say what it is. If the sky is darkening the sun won't be blinding so maybe leave out the blinding sun.
You have some great use of repetition and alliteration and onomatopoeia.
You could say...the turbulent waves rippled and flowed over each other...
Goosebumps appeared as my hairs started to rise..
It was damp with moisture which seemed to seep into me...
You have some great vocabulary choices but some don't quite make sense. The ivy is probably not ignorant in this context, for example. You could try 'invasive ivy'. Stood straight....you could try...standing like a sentinel. 'Uncomforted' ....try something like 'bit into me' or lashed at me. I would remove 'relished'. I don't think the doors are screeching. You could maybe just say 'as doors were flung open'. I would remove 'Yes'. I wouldn't repeat the first sentence.
I love 'glaring lamppost' and last line.
It is very atmospheric but it is important to
just watch your tenses. They need to be consistent.
Also, not all your sentences are complete. You could try using the grammar check too maybe.
A suggestion - you could maybe leave out the signal bit and engrave bit and upon me.
What is the wooden structure...maybe just say what it is. If the sky is darkening the sun won't be blinding so maybe leave out the blinding sun.
You have some great use of repetition and alliteration and onomatopoeia.
You could say...the turbulent waves rippled and flowed over each other...
Goosebumps appeared as my hairs started to rise..
It was damp with moisture which seemed to seep into me...
You have some great vocabulary choices but some don't quite make sense. The ivy is probably not ignorant in this context, for example. You could try 'invasive ivy'. Stood straight....you could try...standing like a sentinel. 'Uncomforted' ....try something like 'bit into me' or lashed at me. I would remove 'relished'. I don't think the doors are screeching. You could maybe just say 'as doors were flung open'. I would remove 'Yes'. I wouldn't repeat the first sentence.
I love 'glaring lamppost' and last line.
It is very atmospheric but it is important to
just watch your tenses. They need to be consistent.
Also, not all your sentences are complete. You could try using the grammar check too maybe.
Thank you for your advice!
Original post by eternaldevotiion
Its really good! There is a lot of brilliant uses of sentence structure and imagery that you've used, the only things I would say is particularly in the first half of your piece, try to vary the sentence lengths a bit i.e. include more short sentences which I can see you've done in the second half. And make sure to vary some of the sentence starters so there aren't too many that begjn with 'the' hope this helps
It did, thank you!
Quick Reply
Related discussions
- could someone please mark this and give me advice on how to improve
- Anyone willing to critique my Q5 English Language GCSE practice?
- Anyone experienced willing to critique my GCSE Q5 of English Language Paper 1?
- Do they care how much you write English Lang Paper 1 Q5?
- Where can a degree in creative writing actually get me?
- Ideas for my AS Film Studies coursework?
- Clearing spaces for English and Creative Writing
- english and creative writing degree
- Creative Writing Master, Birmingham or Durham?
- Writing prompts in HK public exam
- OU Masters entry requirements
- University Creative Writing- writer's block and no confidence
- Trinity College Dublin vs Galway University
- Hello!
- MA in Creative Writing
- Can I apply to 2-3 different courses?
- Creative Writing
- Edexcel GCSE English Language Paper 2 (1EN0 02) - 9th November 2023 [Exam Chat]
- Official Bath Spa University 2023 Applicant Thread
- Edexcel GCSE English Language Paper 1 (1EN0 01) - 5th June 2023 [Exam Chat]
Latest
Trending
Last reply 7 hours ago
what predicted poems for power and conflict 2024?Last reply 16 hours ago
AQA GCSE English Literature Paper 1 (8702/1) - 13th May 2024 [Exam Chat]Last reply 2 days ago
A-level English Literature Study Group 2023-2024Last reply 4 days ago
Edexcel GCSE English Literature Paper 1 (1ET0 01) - 17th May 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 week ago
AQA A-Level English Literature B Paper 2 (7716/2) - 8th June 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 week ago
OCR A-level English Literature Paper 2 (H472/02) - 8th June 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 month ago
AQA GCSE English Language Paper 1 (8700/1) - 7th November 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 month ago
Please mark my gcse english language paper 2 question 5!!!Last reply 1 month ago
AQA A-level English Language Paper 1 (7702/1) - 25th May 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 month ago
AQA A-level English Language Paper 2 (7702/2) - 5th June 2023 [Exam Chat]Trending
Last reply 7 hours ago
what predicted poems for power and conflict 2024?Last reply 16 hours ago
AQA GCSE English Literature Paper 1 (8702/1) - 13th May 2024 [Exam Chat]Last reply 2 days ago
A-level English Literature Study Group 2023-2024Last reply 4 days ago
Edexcel GCSE English Literature Paper 1 (1ET0 01) - 17th May 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 week ago
AQA A-Level English Literature B Paper 2 (7716/2) - 8th June 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 week ago
OCR A-level English Literature Paper 2 (H472/02) - 8th June 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 month ago
AQA GCSE English Language Paper 1 (8700/1) - 7th November 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 month ago
Please mark my gcse english language paper 2 question 5!!!Last reply 1 month ago
AQA A-level English Language Paper 1 (7702/1) - 25th May 2023 [Exam Chat]Last reply 1 month ago
AQA A-level English Language Paper 2 (7702/2) - 5th June 2023 [Exam Chat]
