I hate my mums partner

My dad died when i was 7 (im now 17) and when i was 13 my mum bumped into this guy that she used to know from school and they started 'seeing eachother'.
I know its not upto me but I wasnt happy with this situation when it started and i tried to speak to my mum but she just gave me the 'dont u want me to be happy' line, and she wouldnt listen to how i felt and told me id get used to it. 4 years later im still in the same situation, my mum still wont listen to what i have to say and her partner is still as much of a d!ck as he was when i first met him. He doesnt treat her wrong or anything i just dont like who he is and some of my family including my bf of 2 years feels the same.
I know its not upto me but it just feels so wrong that she was married to my dad and then he passed away and now shes just moving on like it nevr happened. i know she doesnr see it like this and i know that if it makes her happy then i should be happy but i cant because it upsets me so much.
I just wondered does anyone have any advice on what i can do about this situation apart from speaking to my mum about it as she wont listen?
The only person i can speak to about it is my boyfriend as im too embarassed of him (my mums partner) to speak to my friends but im afraid my bf will get sick of it.
thanks

Reply 1

Profesh

20

Anonymous

My dad died when i was 7 (im now 17) and when i was 13 my mum bumped into this guy that she used to know from school and they started 'seeing eachother'.
I know its not upto me but I wasnt happy with this situation when it started and i tried to speak to my mum but she just gave me the 'dont u want me to be happy' line, and she wouldnt listen to how i felt and told me id get used to it. 4 years later im still in the same situation, my mum still wont listen to what i have to say and her partner is still as much of a d!ck as he was when i first met him. He doesnt treat her wrong or anything i just dont like who he is and some of my family including my bf of 2 years feels the same.
I know its not upto me but it just feels so wrong that she was married to my dad and then he passed away and now shes just moving on like it nevr happened. i know she doesnr see it like this and i know that if it makes her happy then i should be happy but i cant because it upsets me so much.
I just wondered does anyone have any advice on what i can do about this situation apart from speaking to my mum about it as she wont listen?
The only person i can speak to about it is my boyfriend as im too embarassed of him (my mums partner) to speak to my friends but im afraid my bf will get sick of it.
thanks

...

Well? Who is he?

Reply 2

Veni_vidi

9

Anonymous

My dad died when i was 7 (im now 17) and when i was 13 my mum bumped into this guy that she used to know from school and they started 'seeing eachother'.
I know its not upto me but I wasnt happy with this situation when it started and i tried to speak to my mum but she just gave me the 'dont u want me to be happy' line, and she wouldnt listen to how i felt and told me id get used to it. 4 years later im still in the same situation, my mum still wont listen to what i have to say and her partner is still as much of a d!ck as he was when i first met him. He doesnt treat her wrong or anything i just dont like who he is and some of my family including my bf of 2 years feels the same.
I know its not upto me but it just feels so wrong that she was married to my dad and then he passed away and now shes just moving on like it nevr happened. i know she doesnr see it like this and i know that if it makes her happy then i should be happy but i cant because it upsets me so much.
I just wondered does anyone have any advice on what i can do about this situation apart from speaking to my mum about it as she wont listen?
The only person i can speak to about it is my boyfriend as im too embarassed of him (my mums partner) to speak to my friends but im afraid my bf will get sick of it.
thanks

Get used to it, your mum needs to move on and it's unfair if you think she's doing something wrong and you bf might get sick of it soon if you keep talking about him(the partner) he hasnt really done anything wrong.

Reply 3

FadedJade

15

Your mum was single for six years after your dad died, which is a long time. It's not like she was with him after two weeks. I'm sure to you it feels like its insulting your dad's memory, but it must have been very hard for your mum to come to terms with too, and to move on from something like that. You can't expect her to live in the past forever. Maybe you should consider getting counselling or talking to someone professional about how your are feeling? It isn't your mum's partner's fault that your dad passed away, and you aren't really giving him a fair go.

Reply 4

Student2806

17

Maybe you don't like him because you feel like he's trying to replace your dad, and if he does then you're afraid he (your dad) will be forgotten.

Reply 5

Fleaux

I'm in the same situation. Ultimately though there isn't that much that you can or should do to change anything. Your mum's made the decision to stick with him and she must see something in him that you don't. If you're worried she's making a mistake, that's normal, but you have to allow her to do that if she wants to. It's understandable that it's hard for you to see her with someone else, and to have another man around, but presumably you'll be leaving home and moving on with your own life soon enough. There are ways of making him easier to put up with if you're really struggling - talk to your mum about this maybe - but essentially you just have to let her get on with it.

Reply 6

tazarooni89

20

Why don't you like him? What's so wrong with him, that you call him a d!ck?

I'm not like...trying to stick up for him or anything, I just don't think you really made it clear in your post :s-smilie:

Reply 7

SusDev

2

Get over yourself and you'd realise that he's actually a really nice guy and he makes your mother happy.

Reply 8

TheBlueBlur

Worst advice SusDev, I'm in a very similar situation except my dad hasn't died, he broke up and I see him as much as I see my mum. Apart from that I'm basically in the same situation and what you just said shows you have no idea what it's like.

(edited 8 years ago)

Reply 9

TheBlueBlur

Very similar situation to you, my mum's partner hasn't done anything wrong to my mum but he's still a dick. I know how it feels like. People here saying you should just get over it and like him have no idea what it's like. So if you are hoping they break up, I hope so too.

Reply 10

Anonymous #2

Is it a problem that she is with someone or is it a problem that she is with him.
Basically what I am asking is- Is it the idea of your mother being with someone that you don't like or is it the person your mother is with himself.

If it is the idea of her being with someone then you need to get over it. She can't be single forever just because you want her to be and if she is not with this man, she is just going to be with someone else. One day you are going to leave home and not see your mum as often and when this happens she will be alone because you wouldn't let her find happiness.

But if it is the man that you don't like then you should explain to her the reasons that you feel he is not a good fit for your family and then leave it alone. If you keep talking about it, with your mum or anyone else, you will just end up making problems when there aren't any and not liking someone can become an obsession that you can't get past.
Once you have clearly stated your feelings to your mother, verbally or in a letter, it has to be up to her to make the decision for what she feels is best for her life and happiness, and unfortunately this may not end the way you want it to. This situation would be different if there was actually something wrong with the man (for example he was abusive in some way) but you have already said that he treats her right so I don't believe there is a big problem that you need to address with her.
Remember what people say about teenagers - the more you tell them not to do something the more they are going to do it? Yeah well, this applies to parents too so don't keep talking to her about the same thing over and over again.

Reply 11

MoonlightSunsets

1

I’ve been in the exact same position as you before and I still am now, I was so angry that my mum could even love someone else with the same love she gave to my father. I was like she just cut him out. I started to do whatever I could take him out of the house and away from us, but It just grew deeper with worse. After I found out that my mother had fell pregnant I felt even more angry because I knew the baby would turn out just like him. I became angry and ashamed so I started to become rude and naughty. But it didn’t resolve anything so I started to talk to my sister about it and sometimes my mother they understood but not like me so I took all the good things about this man and kept it in and threw all of the bad things away. Sometimes I would even forget he was there and focus on one person myself no one else and it does help if you’re in this position too. Even though I miss my dad with all my heart I’m still happy to have a baby brother to share this with and keep passing on his memories and I would just remind you it will get better I promise :wink:

Reply 12

doodle_333

19

Your mum waited 6 years. That's a long time. She isn't forgetting your dad but if he died when you were 7 I'm guessing she was what 30-35? Do you think she should be alone for 50 years? Do you think your dad would want her to be miserable and alone forever?

Of course not.

Unless her partner is abusive or a leech or something else bad (ie something actually bad rather than you just don't like him) then you need to learn to accept him.

I get that is hard, my dad cheated on my mum and married the other woman eventually. I hated her. But all that was doing was making my dad and me miserable. Is she my best friend? No. She's not my type of person tbh. But he chose her so I need to be friendly and polite. As do you.

I hate my mums partner

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