Please critique my writing!!!

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beeurll
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#1
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#1
I’m in year 9 and interested in creative language,
I wrote a short piece, please tell me ways to improve and what you think about it. Thank you x

I stroked my colours against my paper, tearing past the orderly sketch I had made, my palms dented an abyss, swollen rose within the hours I drew. Slightly grasping the frayed edges of my “art” , I braced myself for the horror to come forth as I pry into my drawing; my eyes were painted bloodshot and crazed.

You’ve got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise.
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Bronfenbrennerzy
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#2
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#2
is tht last sentence for urself or?
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beeurll
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#3
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#3
It’s based on the person the piece is about, it’s sort of an inner monologue?
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Wired_1800
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#4
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#4
(Original post by beeurll)
I’m in year 9 and interested in creative language,
I wrote a short piece, please tell me ways to improve and what you think about it. Thank you x

I stroked my colours against my paper, tearing past the orderly sketch I had made, my palms dented an abyss, swollen rose within the hours I drew. Slightly grasping the frayed edges of my “art” , I braced myself for the horror to come forth as I pry into my drawing; my eyes were painted bloodshot and crazed.

You’ve got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise.
The last paragraph/sentence was so unnecessary.
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beeurll
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#5
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#5
Elaborate?
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ashvinsingh
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#6
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#6
(Original post by beeurll)
I’m in year 9 and interested in creative language,
I wrote a short piece, please tell me ways to improve and what you think about it. Thank you x

I stroked my colours against my paper, tearing past the orderly sketch I had made, my palms dented an abyss, swollen rose within the hours I drew. Slightly grasping the frayed edges of my “art” , I braced myself for the horror to come forth as I pry into my drawing; my eyes were painted bloodshot and crazed.

You’ve got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise.
Show not tell, don’t say I stroked my colours onto the page, a different way of phrasing would be the colours caressed the page. Delete the last sentence it adds no value. I’d suggest talking about the painting as a whole and then zooming into one specific point of the painting, try to refrain from the sentence beginning slightly grasping, as this is quite cliche imo. But it’s a good start, nice language and somewhat paints a picture in the readers mind, let me know if you have anymore questions
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ashvinsingh
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#7
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#7
(Original post by beeurll)
I’m in year 9 and interested in creative language,
I wrote a short piece, please tell me ways to improve and what you think about it. Thank you x

I stroked my colours against my paper, tearing past the orderly sketch I had made, my palms dented an abyss, swollen rose within the hours I drew. Slightly grasping the frayed edges of my “art” , I braced myself for the horror to come forth as I pry into my drawing; my eyes were painted bloodshot and crazed.

You’ve got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise.
The way I would approach this piece about a painting would be - Caressing the page, the vibrant colours provided solace (shelter) to the innocent canvas that shivered before gazing eyes. (In normal English the colours covered the canvas and were looked at by people)
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Wired_1800
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#8
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#8
(Original post by beeurll)
Elaborate?
Insulting
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beeurll
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#9
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#9
That was the intent
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da_nolo
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#10
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#10
(Original post by beeurll)
I’m in year 9 and interested in creative language,
I wrote a short piece, please tell me ways to improve and what you think about it. Thank you x

I stroked my colours against my paper, tearing past the orderly sketch I had made, my palms dented an abyss, swollen rose within the hours I drew. Slightly grasping the frayed edges of my “art” , I braced myself for the horror to come forth as I pry into my drawing; my eyes were painted bloodshot and crazed.

You’ve got the skills of an idiot who got too much praise.
try have periods instead of commas, getting rid of the run on sentence (s). short sentences can add to insanity that is felt.

take out "my." already understood that things are my colours and my palms. also makes "art" more inclusive where as you can take out the quotes. maybe change that to italics.

then since we know we are talking about self, give first person view as the person saying these things talk to themselves. within the mind.

so second to last semtence can be.
braced for the horror to come (or emerge - use thesaurus for come [forth]). I pry into the drawing. eyes painted bloodshot. crazed from compression of praize


or something like that. ending part is diffocult because it is insulting. so can express the praise is overwhelming.
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Wired_1800
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#11
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#11
(Original post by beeurll)
That was the intent
Ok
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beeurll
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#12
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#12
Thank you so much for the reply x I will continue to work on my piece and take what you’ve said into consideration.
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