I feel like I'm falling to the deep end

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#1
I turn 18 in less than a week and I was excited but now I'm dreading it. I don't think I'm ready to be an adult yet, I feel like I've missed out on my entire childhood. My "father" was abusive and my mother always looked up to me as the eldest daughter for support, as far as I can remember its always been tears and fights, I had to be strong and be there. I missed out on all the family trips, or going out with my friends, even when they got a divorce, my moms been terrified of something happening to me, not being able to date (I still had boyfriends who all have ended in heartbreak, but was never able to tell her about the guy I had a crush on, or the cute guy who I find really sweet). Being trusted with things I honestly wish I didn't have to know (like me being an unplanned mistake essentially, or my "fathers" extramarital relationships)

Being at uni now, but having to call her more than thrice a day, not being able to go out with my friends, having to get back before dark, letting her know where ever I am even if I'm in the other end of the world. It feels suffocating but I'd never say anything. I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, and being here (my family having to put one of our houses on an education loan and all the hate from distant relatives on sending me abroad to study even with financial issues), I'm a nerd and have always been ambitious and I aspire to be a criminal lawyer (something broke inside me with all the abuse, and I really want to do something to try and make a difference, fix the world atleast a little idk)

I just look back, and I'm gonna be a legal adult, next thursday but I've been an adult for as long as I remember. I haven't had time to make child like mistakes, or get hurt and try and learn, I feel like there has been so much I've missed on, experiences and childhood entirely. I feel overwhelmed and hurt, I find it hard to breathe.

To make things worse, the last guy I dated made me drink for the first time even though I thought I'd never have alcohol, we had sex even though I told him and strongly believed I'd wanna wait till marriage, he emotionally blackmailed me kinda, coerced me idk, i feel bad but I guess I did consent to it in the end so it's my fault. I've been drinking at parties and trying to find "true love" in every guy who shows me kindness (I guess growing up with a lack of love, messed me up). I'm too much of a romantic and an idealist when it comes to love, and it's hurt me so much lately. A week back at a party, a guy got me really drunk and brought me back to his place, as a law student in retrospect I know that was rape but it happened. I've still not fully accepted that.

I've also got anxiety, I overthink a lot, probably have depression, I get sad for days with no real reason, I've been finding it hard to sleep lately, life just seems to be day after day blending into the next, motions on repeat and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Life's been hard and I think I'm doing it all wrong.
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 2 weeks ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I turn 18 in less than a week and I was excited but now I'm dreading it. I don't think I'm ready to be an adult yet, I feel like I've missed out on my entire childhood. My "father" was abusive and my mother always looked up to me as the eldest daughter for support, as far as I can remember its always been tears and fights, I had to be strong and be there. I missed out on all the family trips, or going out with my friends, even when they got a divorce, my moms been terrified of something happening to me, not being able to date (I still had boyfriends who all have ended in heartbreak, but was never able to tell her about the guy I had a crush on, or the cute guy who I find really sweet). Being trusted with things I honestly wish I didn't have to know (like me being an unplanned mistake essentially, or my "fathers" extramarital relationships)

Being at uni now, but having to call her more than thrice a day, not being able to go out with my friends, having to get back before dark, letting her know where ever I am even if I'm in the other end of the world. It feels suffocating but I'd never say anything. I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, and being here (my family having to put one of our houses on an education loan and all the hate from distant relatives on sending me abroad to study even with financial issues), I'm a nerd and have always been ambitious and I aspire to be a criminal lawyer (something broke inside me with all the abuse, and I really want to do something to try and make a difference, fix the world atleast a little idk)

I just look back, and I'm gonna be a legal adult, next thursday but I've been an adult for as long as I remember. I haven't had time to make child like mistakes, or get hurt and try and learn, I feel like there has been so much I've missed on, experiences and childhood entirely. I feel overwhelmed and hurt, I find it hard to breathe.

To make things worse, the last guy I dated made me drink for the first time even though I thought I'd never have alcohol, we had sex even though I told him and strongly believed I'd wanna wait till marriage, he emotionally blackmailed me kinda, coerced me idk, i feel bad but I guess I did consent to it in the end so it's my fault. I've been drinking at parties and trying to find "true love" in every guy who shows me kindness (I guess growing up with a lack of love, messed me up). I'm too much of a romantic and an idealist when it comes to love, and it's hurt me so much lately. A week back at a party, a guy got me really drunk and brought me back to his place, as a law student in retrospect I know that was rape but it happened. I've still not fully accepted that.

I've also got anxiety, I overthink a lot, probably have depression, I get sad for days with no real reason, I've been finding it hard to sleep lately, life just seems to be day after day blending into the next, motions on repeat and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Life's been hard and I think I'm doing it all wrong.
Have you moved out yet or will that be after your 18th?
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
Have you moved out yet or will that be after your 18th?
I've already moved out. I'm an international student, but she keeps asking me to call. I get why and she misses me a lot and it's more of a I've always gotta be there, moving out wouldn't make a difference, my mom gets lonely too and I feel like a bad person when I want space it hurts me and I know it hurts her. I've got a date tomorrow night, my love life is a mess but this is a decent guy who I know through his best friends who I befriended and they're really protective of me so I know he'll treat me right, but I'm scared to tell my mom and sneaking around behind her back hurts me but I don't wanna end up 80 wishing I lived my life more.

She asks me to call her as soon as I'm up and she wants me getting up super early, when I overslept once she called the uni accom reception and they came to check on me cause she was worried. The after breakfast, before lunch, before dinner, before sleeping and sometimes randomly in the middle, unless I'm in the uni library but I've got to still message in the middle. It feels like too much
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PonchoKid
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#4
Report 1 week ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I've already moved out. I'm an international student, but she keeps asking me to call. I get why and she misses me a lot and it's more of a I've always gotta be there, moving out wouldn't make a difference, my mom gets lonely too and I feel like a bad person when I want space it hurts me and I know it hurts her. I've got a date tomorrow night, my love life is a mess but this is a decent guy who I know through his best friends who I befriended and they're really protective of me so I know he'll treat me right, but I'm scared to tell my mom and sneaking around behind her back hurts me but I don't wanna end up 80 wishing I lived my life more.

She asks me to call her as soon as I'm up and she wants me getting up super early, when I overslept once she called the uni accom reception and they came to check on me cause she was worried. The after breakfast, before lunch, before dinner, before sleeping and sometimes randomly in the middle, unless I'm in the uni library but I've got to still message in the middle. It feels like too much
Regarding calling, tell yer your getting busy and you will call her once or twice a day at certain times, you need to become independant for both her sale and yours.

Also finding love isnt the be all and end all especially at 18. I know very few people at 30 who are still with those they were with at 18.and if they were with them still i know lots are now getting divorced after marrying early 20s because they are different people now than they were back thn. By all means live your life but dont get sucked into settling down!
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Analyst89
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#5
Report 1 week ago
#5
(Original post by Anonymous)
I turn 18 in less than a week and I was excited but now I'm dreading it. I don't think I'm ready to be an adult yet, I feel like I've missed out on my entire childhood. My "father" was abusive and my mother always looked up to me as the eldest daughter for support, as far as I can remember its always been tears and fights, I had to be strong and be there. I missed out on all the family trips, or going out with my friends, even when they got a divorce, my moms been terrified of something happening to me, not being able to date (I still had boyfriends who all have ended in heartbreak, but was never able to tell her about the guy I had a crush on, or the cute guy who I find really sweet). Being trusted with things I honestly wish I didn't have to know (like me being an unplanned mistake essentially, or my "fathers" extramarital relationships)

Being at uni now, but having to call her more than thrice a day, not being able to go out with my friends, having to get back before dark, letting her know where ever I am even if I'm in the other end of the world. It feels suffocating but I'd never say anything. I'm grateful for everything she's done for me, and being here (my family having to put one of our houses on an education loan and all the hate from distant relatives on sending me abroad to study even with financial issues), I'm a nerd and have always been ambitious and I aspire to be a criminal lawyer (something broke inside me with all the abuse, and I really want to do something to try and make a difference, fix the world atleast a little idk)

I just look back, and I'm gonna be a legal adult, next thursday but I've been an adult for as long as I remember. I haven't had time to make child like mistakes, or get hurt and try and learn, I feel like there has been so much I've missed on, experiences and childhood entirely. I feel overwhelmed and hurt, I find it hard to breathe.

To make things worse, the last guy I dated made me drink for the first time even though I thought I'd never have alcohol, we had sex even though I told him and strongly believed I'd wanna wait till marriage, he emotionally blackmailed me kinda, coerced me idk, i feel bad but I guess I did consent to it in the end so it's my fault. I've been drinking at parties and trying to find "true love" in every guy who shows me kindness (I guess growing up with a lack of love, messed me up). I'm too much of a romantic and an idealist when it comes to love, and it's hurt me so much lately. A week back at a party, a guy got me really drunk and brought me back to his place, as a law student in retrospect I know that was rape but it happened. I've still not fully accepted that.

I've also got anxiety, I overthink a lot, probably have depression, I get sad for days with no real reason, I've been finding it hard to sleep lately, life just seems to be day after day blending into the next, motions on repeat and I don't know what I'm doing anymore.

Life's been hard and I think I'm doing it all wrong.
You can get support and there is a lot of support out there such as:

-The Samaritans, you can call 116 123, which is available 24 hours a day

-Mind, 0300 123 3393

-Saneline, 0300 304 7000, from 4.30pm-10.30pm

-The mix, 0800 808 4994, 11am-11pm

-SHOUT, text 852258, 24 hour text service

-Papyrus, 0800 068 4141, if you have thoughts of suicide or in emotional distress
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