I need creative writing help ASAP!

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beeurll
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#1
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#1
Hey I’m in y9 and I’m doing a creative piece, (my gsce pathway is 6-8) please rate and critique it, as well as informing on things I can do to achieve my pathway by year 11. Thank you x

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them; ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. As tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below, hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their sunlight luminous, elegant, kind. She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot; only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Negligence withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem
wilted, roots a mother’s child embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.
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Wolfiex
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#2
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#2
(Original post by beeurll)
Hey I’m in y9 and I’m doing a creative piece, (my gsce pathway is 6-8) please rate and critique it, as well as informing on things I can do to achieve my pathway by year 11. Thank you x

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them; ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. As tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below, hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their sunlight luminous, elegant, kind. She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot; only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Negligence withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem
wilted, roots a mother’s child embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.
Hi there! Tomorrow, I will read it through, and give you some constructive feedback, I will also give you some tips and pointers you can use! Hope this is okay with you! Thanks!!
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beeurll
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#3
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#3
(Original post by Wolfiex)
Hi there! Tomorrow, I will read it through, and give you some constructive feedback, I will also give you some tips and pointers you can use! Hope this is okay with you! Thanks!!
Thank uuu x
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beeurll
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#4
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#4
(Original post by essayexpert)
WhatsApp: +13322151854
Hey can you pm me instead?
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Sohello
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#5
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#5
(Original post by beeurll)
Hey I’m in y9 and I’m doing a creative piece, (my gsce pathway is 6-8) please rate and critique it, as well as informing on things I can do to achieve my pathway by year 11. Thank you x

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them; ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. As tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below, hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their sunlight luminous, elegant, kind. She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot; only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Negligence withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem
wilted, roots a mother’s child embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.
Oo i like the cyclical structure used, but it’s not a story it’s more of a description? There’s no climax , there’s nothing at all happening, but you’ve used a lot of subject terminology which is really good. I’m not an English teacher, im in year 11 myself so I can’t really give you proper feedback,only to keep up with the subject terminology and narrate rather than describe.
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beeurll
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Sohello)
Oo i like the cyclical structure used, but it’s not a story it’s more of a description? There’s no climax , there’s nothing at all happening, but you’ve used a lot of subject terminology which is really good. I’m not an English teacher, im in year 11 myself so I can’t really give you proper feedback,only to keep up with the subject terminology and narrate rather than describe.
I forgot to mention that it was a descriptive piece sorry
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Wolfiex
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#7
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#7
(Original post by beeurll)
Hey I’m in y9 and I’m doing a creative piece, (my gsce pathway is 6-8) please rate and critique it, as well as informing on things I can do to achieve my pathway by year 11. Thank you x

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them; ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. As tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below, hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their sunlight luminous, elegant, kind. She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot; only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Negligence withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem
wilted, roots a mother’s child embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.
Good Morning,

Hope you are well! I feel like you need to use more linguistic different techniques and sentence types to make your work look more professional and detailed. I feel like your over-using semi-colons since there is many of them embedded in your answer. You could maybe use Level 3 techniques like Pathetic Fallacy since it can show your teacher that your using techniques and using them in a sophisticated way. I believe that you can upgrade your work to a high standard with small changes as such. Have a go at making a slow write, this can help you stay on track and make sure you are using a variety of techniques to support your work. You could form different slow write checklists for each paragraph. I hope that this helps you develop your work into a new piece! Thank you!


Kind & Warm Regards
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beeurll
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Wolfiex)
Good Morning,

Hope you are well! I feel like you need to use more linguistic different techniques and sentence types to make your work look more professional and detailed. I feel like your over-using semi-colons since there is many of them embedded in your answer. You could maybe use Level 3 techniques like Pathetic Fallacy since it can show your teacher that your using techniques and using them in a sophisticated way. I believe that you can upgrade your work to a high standard with small changes as such. Have a go at making a slow write, this can help you stay on track and make sure you are using a variety of techniques to support your work. You could form different slow write checklists for each paragraph. I hope that this helps you develop your work into a new piece! Thank you!


Kind & Warm Regards
Thank you so much, I will have a go at putting those in place. Is it okay if I show you the piece after editing it?
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Wolfiex
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#9
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#9
(Original post by beeurll)
Thank you so much, I will have a go at putting those in place. Is it okay if I show you the piece after editing it?
Sure! I will be happy to give you some feedback! I am always here to help! :rofl3:
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beeurll
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Wolfiex)
Sure! I will be happy to give you some feedback! I am always here to help! :rofl3:
Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. She disperses her rays within rotting greenery; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them, ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. Lacy grey clouds escape car engines, as tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below :hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their caring sunlight elegant and luminous . She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot -only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Beauty cast away into a deluge of negligence ,mercilessly withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem wilted, roots a mother’s child ,embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

I've made some attempts at implying pathetic fallacy, could I add anything else to improve? Thanks 💜
Last edited by beeurll; 2 months ago
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Wolfiex
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#11
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#11
(Original post by beeurll)
Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. She disperses her rays within rotting greenery; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them, ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. Lacy grey clouds escape car engines, as tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below :hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their caring sunlight elegant and luminous . She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot -only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Beauty cast away into a deluge of negligence ,mercilessly withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem wilted, roots a mother’s child ,embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

I've made some attempts at implying pathetic fallacy, could I add anything else to improve? Thanks 💜
Hi again, do you have a picture assisting you with these piece? If so, please try and attach it. If not, it is fine! Just let me know, so I can give you more feedback!!
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beeurll
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Wolfiex)
Hi again, do you have a picture assisting you with these piece? If so, please try and attach it. If not, it is fine! Just let me know, so I can give you more feedback!!
Well it's an English task based on describing an image, which shows the contrast between South Africa's unkempt areas and the other part owned by white individuals during segregation. We are doing it on the poem "nothing's changed"
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Wolfiex
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#13
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#13
(Original post by beeurll)
Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. She disperses her rays within rotting greenery; the cans, the plastic, waste.

Glass buildings stroked by her ivory gaze, by the fair beams gently gliding against them, ricochetting the blue lining above. Like cascades, table sheets flow above tailored oak counters in their orderly pattern- the single rose. Only wisps of dust- light go noticed in the polished other realm. Lacy grey clouds escape car engines, as tires churn and howl tearing up layers of tarmac below :hellish sounds of bickered drivers and their thundering “prized” mobiles, annihilate the mere hearing I have left. Click.

Their caring sunlight elegant and luminous . She scorches our beings, existing as a maddening itch you can’t quite get rid of . Stones thumbtacks as they pierce within my soles forming a bleeding abyss underfoot -only whenever my movement is not bound by stubborn clusters of filth. Beauty cast away into a deluge of negligence ,mercilessly withering away it’s potential. Once charming foliage greeted by their unwavering demise, their stem wilted, roots a mother’s child ,embraced by the scarce drop of water they’ve managed to receive. District six.

Worlds collide under the watchful eye of a tender sun. Her rays disperse within rotting greenery ; the cans, the plastic, waste.

I've made some attempts at implying pathetic fallacy, could I add anything else to improve? Thanks 💜
Hey,

With your re-draft, I believe you are now implying Level 3 techniques and embedding them into your work. A few more paragraphs with the similar structure will assist you just fine. Just remember to use a variety of linguistic techniques in your work. This is now a good piece of work! Well done! :dancing2:


Regards!
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beeurll
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Wolfiex)
Hey,

With your re-draft, I believe you are now implying Level 3 techniques and embedding them into your work. A few more paragraphs with the similar structure will assist you just fine. Just remember to use a variety of linguistic techniques in your work. This is now a good piece of work! Well done! :dancing2:


Regards!
Thank you so much, you've been a great help! Have a wonderful rest of your day <3
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Slx.24
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#15
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#15
I'd say this is pretty crazy for a year 9 lmaoo
Keep on going like this and trying to incorporate lvl 3 stuff and by gcses you'll be cruising 💪
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Wolfiex
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#16
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#16
(Original post by beeurll)
Thank you so much, you've been a great help! Have a wonderful rest of your day <3
You too! If you need any more help, feel free to ask me more! I love helping out with English!!
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Wolfiex
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#17
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#17
(Original post by beeurll)
Thank you so much, you've been a great help! Have a wonderful rest of your day <3
Hi,

I have just found this Grade 9 piece of work that you can use. I suggest nabbing ideas from this piece and implementing them into your piece. You will be bound to achieve your pathway or even higher! Hope that this helps you out! Enjoy!

"Write about a frightening place. Your response could be real or imagined."

"The blurring dazzle of red and white lights distorting my vision; the screeching sound of wheels tearing up layers of tarmac as they move from left to right on the road; the putrid stench of bile rising from my throat: Sunday morning. Our fingers, bruised and red, prying onto the handles swinging either side from the ceiling as the crazed woman in the front throws her prized mini into the sixth gear, tearing through the orderly traffic in her usual disorderly fashion whilst we give apologetic looks to those we force off the road.

Every Sunday; our covers thrown back, a dishevelled lettuce sandwich placed just off-centre on a china plate in front of us, a neatly ironed collar smoothed down, the hasty bundling of Adam and I into the back seat of the mini, followed by the perilous journey to church. This particular morning, after being dragged from my beloved bed, force-fed a revolting lettuce sandwich and had my collar smoothed several hundred times by four different aunts and uncles, her driving is seemingly worse than ever. We’ve only passed the second junction and already several honking horns and bickering figures are shouting into our red-faced grandmother’s half-open window, no dismay reflecting in her red-rimmed frames as she rolls up the window and overtakes whoever is unfortunately in her line of vision at some ungodly speed. We’ve gotten used to her deranged driving by now; Adam and I often hold one of those reusable Tesco bags out for one another to lurch into; as gross as it seems, we have learnt to think practically rather than self consciously.

With the sign for our junction beginning to appear on the roadside, I lean forward and brace myself against the empty seat in front, the car jerking suddenly to the left across several lanes of traffic until she forces us in front of other patiently waiting drivers onto the slip road. I suck in a sharp intake of breath as she turns around and throws me back into my seat with one hand and glares, her other blindly turning the wheel the wrong way around the roundabout. My eyes widen as I point my shaking fingers at the oncoming drivers swerving frantically in all directions - but she smiles and calmly rectifies her mistake and pulls off into the third exit, swinging the car into the church car park.

Tilting my spinning head back against the headrest, I attempt to slow my breathing having finally reached the journey's end. Without much thought, one of my shaking hands seems to reach out to open the car door, my other hurriedly pulling at the seatbelt to escape the cage I've been trapped in throughout this weekly frightening ordeal."


Kind & Warm Regards!
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beeurll
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Wolfiex)
Hi,

I have just found this Grade 9 piece of work that you can use. I suggest nabbing ideas from this piece and implementing them into your piece. You will be bound to achieve your pathway or even higher! Hope that this helps you out! Enjoy!

"Write about a frightening place. Your response could be real or imagined."

"The blurring dazzle of red and white lights distorting my vision; the screeching sound of wheels tearing up layers of tarmac as they move from left to right on the road; the putrid stench of bile rising from my throat: Sunday morning. Our fingers, bruised and red, prying onto the handles swinging either side from the ceiling as the crazed woman in the front throws her prized mini into the sixth gear, tearing through the orderly traffic in her usual disorderly fashion whilst we give apologetic looks to those we force off the road.

Every Sunday; our covers thrown back, a dishevelled lettuce sandwich placed just off-centre on a china plate in front of us, a neatly ironed collar smoothed down, the hasty bundling of Adam and I into the back seat of the mini, followed by the perilous journey to church. This particular morning, after being dragged from my beloved bed, force-fed a revolting lettuce sandwich and had my collar smoothed several hundred times by four different aunts and uncles, her driving is seemingly worse than ever. We’ve only passed the second junction and already several honking horns and bickering figures are shouting into our red-faced grandmother’s half-open window, no dismay reflecting in her red-rimmed frames as she rolls up the window and overtakes whoever is unfortunately in her line of vision at some ungodly speed. We’ve gotten used to her deranged driving by now; Adam and I often hold one of those reusable Tesco bags out for one another to lurch into; as gross as it seems, we have learnt to think practically rather than self consciously.

With the sign for our junction beginning to appear on the roadside, I lean forward and brace myself against the empty seat in front, the car jerking suddenly to the left across several lanes of traffic until she forces us in front of other patiently waiting drivers onto the slip road. I suck in a sharp intake of breath as she turns around and throws me back into my seat with one hand and glares, her other blindly turning the wheel the wrong way around the roundabout. My eyes widen as I point my shaking fingers at the oncoming drivers swerving frantically in all directions - but she smiles and calmly rectifies her mistake and pulls off into the third exit, swinging the car into the church car park.

Tilting my spinning head back against the headrest, I attempt to slow my breathing having finally reached the journey's end. Without much thought, one of my shaking hands seems to reach out to open the car door, my other hurriedly pulling at the seatbelt to escape the cage I've been trapped in throughout this weekly frightening ordeal."


Kind & Warm Regards!
Thank you so much!! It's quite difficult to make my work reach that kind of level as of now,but I'll attempt to add a few ideas from this piece💜
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beeurll
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Slx.24)
I'd say this is pretty crazy for a year 9 lmaoo
Keep on going like this and trying to incorporate lvl 3 stuff and by gcses you'll be cruising 💪
Thank uuu💜 is it okay if you give me some examples of level three sentance structures/features?
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Wolfiex
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#20
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#20
(Original post by beeurll)
Thank uuu💜 is it okay if you give me some examples of level three sentance structures/features?
Hello,

Here are some example I just made:

1. Fog-tinted fairy trees stand alone in fields, noosed by coils of dragon breath.
2. The autumn sky was as bright as Zeus’ eyes. Nary a cloud blemished its bliss-blue complexion and the sun was like a glowing medallion pinned to a sheet of white paper.
3. Wriggling and writhing with the pain of its existence, it flashed once, glossy and polished, like the cold, gold prongs of the Apocalypse.

Enjoy!
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