I ended things with my bf of 4 years - I need someone to talk to

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#1
Hi guys.

I'll try to be brief.

My bf & I have been together for 4 years and a half. The first 2 years were wonderful, but somewhere down the line, things started changing. I soon realized what kind of man he is (mostly good, but he has his dark moments of emotional manipulation & making me feel guilty & playing the victim).

To me, our relationship ended at the beginning of this year, because at one point, I felt we both stopped caring/trying. No love, no passion, no chemistry, nothing.

I've been contemplating on how to tell him for the past several months. I was really scared because he's the type of person who threatens to 'destroy me', 'f*** me over', and 'ruin my life'. I was really scared he would spread false rumors about me to our mutual friends & our families.

Bear in mind he's the first guy I introduced my friends & family to. They all loved him. But they don't know how much emotionally abusive he can be (I've written many threads here on TSR within the past few years about his abuse & lots of you told me to leave him). But I couldn't. Because I loved him. But after sitting with myself for a long time, I realized that I do deserve better. I deserve to be happy. I deserve the full package, not whenever he feels like it. (He really reminds me of the guy from the tv series on Netflix "Maid" & how emotionally abusive he can be).

Can you imagine that we haven't been fully intimate in 2 years? (we didnt go all the way for 2 whole years - sorry for tmi). We live 20 mins away but he stopped attempting to see me... and then I got busy with my postgraduate studies & work & been under lots of stress & personal things I was dealing with.. yet he would text & blame me and curse at me and say that I'm not making an effort... I told him it's a 2 way thing but he won't hear it.

So I decided enough was enough. I wanted to do it in person and call him over to my apartment, but I got scared that he would start breaking things (he did that before, broke my phone, other things, etc.) So I texted him & told him that I can't do this anymore.. we barely talk, there's no connection.. everything died.. even being in his presence feels depressing.. all he does is emit negative energy & he's never happy like before.. so I told him it's over.

And as predicted, he didnt take it well. He told me you're out of my life, I'm cutting you off and all our mutual friends, and to you, I'm dead tonight, just forget me. I told him this isn't the mature thing to do, that it's childish & that I still want us to be in each other's lives because we went through so much together & have mutual friends and we got to know each other's families..I also told him that I still love u as a person and a part of me always will, but I can't lie to myself and love someone who doesn't reciprocate the same feelings either... but he wouldnt have it.. he blamed it all on me.. I told him I was brave enough to do what you couldn't.. I told him you felt the exact same thing but you didnt want to admit it... and I told him you dont care about me, u just care about the love I gave you because you like being needed.. and it's the truth guys, I invested so much in this relationship, loved him like no one ever did and he admits this to me all the time. It sucks that after going through so much together, he could easily cut me off like it meant nothing.. I told him if u cared, u would at least fight for me.. he's like I wont because the door can fit 100 people, do what u want, but i was waiting for that msg from you...so u see, he kinda expected it... he felt the same thing but wanted ME to be the one who ends things.. because he has ego issues and just wants another reason to blame me for all of it...

I'm speechless right now. I still haven't processed it.. I honestly dont know what to do.. He blocked me from everywhere, whatsapp, social media, etc. And I'm terrified what he'll tell our mutual friends... I told him you know me better than anyone and you know all my vulnerabilities and insecurities & u know this will kill me.. & he just replied with i dont care, u did this to yourself.

I honestly dont know what to feel. Half of me is relieved it's over because I deserve better but the other half is shocked, upset, and I know I'm gonna feel really bad about this tomorrow morning.

I'm really sorry about the long post but I have no one to talk about this right now
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starmus
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#2
Report 1 week ago
#2
Remember that regardless of what happens, you will continue to breathe and the sun will continue to shine and life will go on.

It’s precisely because you are a sweet soul that you are having your ‘other half’ torturing you at the moment. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel loss and regret as you end a long term relationship. It proves that your feelings to him were genuine. However, you need to assemble all the will power in you to resist allowing your current emotional state (which was triggered by your realisation that you broke up) to make you renege on the decision you made when you were thinking rationally and decided to end the relationship.

I don’t know about your previous posts and I’m certainly not in a position to judge who’s right and who’s wrong. However, a romantic relationship that is devoid of intimacy for two years is (In most cases) not a relationship at all and regardless of all the other details this alone can justify your decision.

The sadness you experience now can’t stop the clock, it will pass, whether it’s two weeks or two months but it will pass. Speak to people, listen to music, cry, wander aimlessly in the street, live through the experience but never give up hope and never forget that you are an independent human being that has no objective dependency on this boyfriend.

Even if every single person you know will drop dead this very moment, you will continue to breathe and you will eventually smile.

I wish I could be of more help
Last edited by starmus; 1 week ago
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Dentaldreams
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#3
Report 1 week ago
#3
I hope you’re alright.
It can be devastating to lose someone who was such a big part of your life.
Honestly time heals everything, it really sucks but in the end you’ll be okay,
You need to focus on yourself, think of everything you have yet to achieve.
Think of the better things out there waiting for you, because they most certainly are.
You can always talk to someone if you need to, friends, family and if no one else then you can speak out on here x
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#4
(Original post by starmus)
Remember that regardless of what happens, you will continue to breathe and the sun will continue to shine and life will go on.

It’s precisely because you are a sweet soul that you are having your ‘other half’ torturing you at the moment. It’s perfectly natural for you to feel loss and regret as you end a long term relationship. It proves that your feelings to him were genuine. However, you need to assemble all the will power in you to resist allowing your current emotional state (which was triggered by your realisation that you broke up) to make you renege on the decision you made when you were thinking rationally and decided to end the relationship.

I don’t know about your previous posts and I’m certainly not in a position to judge who’s right and who’s wrong. However, a romantic relationship that is devoid of intimacy for two years is (In most cases) not a relationship at all and regardless of all the other details this alone can justify your decision.

The sadness you experience now can’t stop the clock, it will pass, whether it’s two weeks or two months but it will pass. Speak to people, listen to music, cry, wander aimlessly in the street, live through the experience but never give up hope and never forget that you are an independent human being that has no objective dependency on this boyfriend.

Even if every single person you know will drop dead this very moment, you will continue to breathe and you will eventually smile.

I wish I could be of more help
Thank you so so very much. I really needed to hear this. I literally woke up this morning and while I wasn't happy, I was relieved, like something huge was lifted off my chest. I can't describe it. I know it's gonna get to me eventually but right now it still hasn't been processed. Thank you for your kind and beautiful words, I really really appreciate it x
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 week ago
#5
(Original post by Dentaldreams)
I hope you’re alright.
It can be devastating to lose someone who was such a big part of your life.
Honestly time heals everything, it really sucks but in the end you’ll be okay,
You need to focus on yourself, think of everything you have yet to achieve.
Think of the better things out there waiting for you, because they most certainly are.
You can always talk to someone if you need to, friends, family and if no one else then you can speak out on here x
Thank you so much. You're right, it's just time which I believe will work for both me and him. Even now, I still want him to be alright and not suffer from this breakup. Thank you once again for your kind words, I really appreciate it x
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Anonymous #1
#6
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
#6
So just a quick update for anyone following my story:

He hasn't blocked me from Whatsapp or any of his social media channels, but he's not talking to me either. What does this mean?
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Anonymous #2
#7
Report 6 days ago
#7
It probably just means he's sulking. Eventually he'll get over it. With me when I was last dumped by a girl, it took a month or so for me to get over it, then we chatted a bit and agreed to be friends and even met up for coffee as friends. Give it a few weeks. It sounds you've made the right decision.
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
It probably just means he's sulking. Eventually he'll get over it. With me when I was last dumped by a girl, it took a month or so for me to get over it, then we chatted a bit and agreed to be friends and even met up for coffee as friends. Give it a few weeks. It sounds you've made the right decision.
Do u think this means that he might reconsider and agree to be friends?
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Anonymous #2
#9
Report 6 days ago
#9
Yes but probably only after a month or two
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starmus
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#10
Report 6 days ago
#10
It looks like you continue to be ambivalent about the relationship and that you really wish he would ‘fight’ to win you back. You’ve been together long enough for you to be able to make an objective assessment of whether you’re compatible or not. I think you need to have a frank conversation with yourself to get to the bottom of it.

If you indeed want to break up and move on you need to withdraw from any activity that will remind you of him for now, you shouldn’t even know if he’s blocking you or not, it’s not the right time now to seek remaining on good terms or be friends, you can try that later.

However, if you regret breaking up with him and believe the relationship can be fixed (which is a very common feeling with breakups) then try to involve a third person, a mutual friend or a family member, preferably someone who is neutral or closer to him than to you. Get in touch with that person and ask them to mediate between you both.
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Adz2042
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#11
Report 6 days ago
#11
(Original post by Anonymous)
Do u think this means that he might reconsider and agree to be friends?
why would you want to be friends given all the drama you've gone through with putting up with him?

He might pull the whole 'friends with benefits' card, given you're no longer in a relationship, but he will still feel the need for intimacy.

You've done the hard part (the breakup), and now focus on you, your lifestyle and make your life the best it can be.
Try not to worry about 'what if?, but focus on the 'what now?'.
Positive can-do attitude, not negative.
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Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
#12
(Original post by starmus)
It looks like you continue to be ambivalent about the relationship and that you really wish he would ‘fight’ to win you back. You’ve been together long enough for you to be able to make an objective assessment of whether you’re compatible or not. I think you need to have a frank conversation with yourself to get to the bottom of it.

If you indeed want to break up and move on you need to withdraw from any activity that will remind you of him for now, you shouldn’t even know if he’s blocking you or not, it’s not the right time now to seek remaining on good terms or be friends, you can try that later.

However, if you regret breaking up with him and believe the relationship can be fixed (which is a very common feeling with breakups) then try to involve a third person, a mutual friend or a family member, preferably someone who is neutral or closer to him than to you. Get in touch with that person and ask them to mediate between you both.
Actually, on the contrary, I know deep down that it is over. It has been for quite a while to be honest. And I don’t have second thoughts or anything because I do know it’s for the best. I’m just saying that I want us to remain friends, because investing in a relationship for many years and then ending up being strangers is a great tragedy. I do still care and have love for him, but nothing more than a friend. My feelings for him are 100% over so I’m not even reconsidering. My close friends also think it's for the best.
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Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 6 days ago
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(Original post by Adz2042)
why would you want to be friends given all the drama you've gone through with putting up with him?

He might pull the whole 'friends with benefits' card, given you're no longer in a relationship, but he will still feel the need for intimacy.

You've done the hard part (the breakup), and now focus on you, your lifestyle and make your life the best it can be.
Try not to worry about 'what if?, but focus on the 'what now?'.
Positive can-do attitude, not negative.
Well, as a friend, he tends to be less dramatic. But you never know. And I'm not gonna wait for him or do the whole "friends with benefits" thing because I have 0 feelings for him. And yes, I started focusing on my lifestyle, going out, hanging out with friends, and opening myself to love. Thank you so much for your advice
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starmus
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#14
Report 6 days ago
#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
Actually, on the contrary, I know deep down that it is over. It has been for quite a while to be honest. And I don’t have second thoughts or anything because I do know it’s for the best. I’m just saying that I want us to remain friends, because investing in a relationship for many years and then ending up being strangers is a great tragedy. I do still care and have love for him, but nothing more than a friend. My feelings for him are 100% over so I’m not even reconsidering. My close friends also think it's for the best.
If that’s how you feel I don’t see why you would worry too much about making sure that you remain friends at this stage.

If someone breaks up with me and keep checking my socials and/or messaging me and/or seeking my friendship I would interpret it as mixed messaging, second thoughts or that the breakup was an attempt to bring attention to the issues in the relationship rather than a genuine and final breakup.

It’s not enough to be sure how you feel, it’s important that your behaviour is congruent with how you feel. Seeking contact at this stage can be easily misunderstood and doesn’t really match your stated intentions.

Apologies if I’m challenging you, I’m only trying to help you see things from a different point of view but I could be wrong!
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Anonymous #1
#15
Report Thread starter 5 days ago
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(Original post by starmus)
If that’s how you feel I don’t see why you would worry too much about making sure that you remain friends at this stage.

If someone breaks up with me and keep checking my socials and/or messaging me and/or seeking my friendship I would interpret it as mixed messaging, second thoughts or that the breakup was an attempt to bring attention to the issues in the relationship rather than a genuine and final breakup.

It’s not enough to be sure how you feel, it’s important that your behaviour is congruent with how you feel. Seeking contact at this stage can be easily misunderstood and doesn’t really match your stated intentions.

Apologies if I’m challenging you, I’m only trying to help you see things from a different point of view but I could be wrong!
You don't need to apologize, this is super helpful advice, so thank you!

He messaged me this morning saying that he's angry, upset and sad, and that he didn't want it to end this way. Then he was like good luck with everything and I hope you achieve whatever you want from life. And he was like from this point on, consider me dead, and if your friends ask about me, tell them I left the country and I've gone somewhere far away. And he was like I packed all the gifts and presents that you've ever gotten me in those 4 years in a box and it will be delivered to your place.

Sigh. I don't know what else to say, guys. Surely if you still care about someone, you'll find a way of keeping them in your life, right? The worst thing is that a few days back when all this went down, he was like I can never be friends with you. I was like well you're still friends with your ex. He was like yes and that's none of your business and we will always remain close friends. So I told him that means your ex was more important than me. Anyway, it's done. I don't know what to say anymore. I felt like those past 4.5 years was a waste of my time and effort and at the end, I was just insignificant.
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starmus
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#16
Report 5 days ago
#16
How old are you?

Being in a romantic relationship is an element of human lives it’s never a ‘waste of time’ to be in a relationship, your life is a very long dance and changing partners is not necessarily a bad thing as you will become more experienced and be more mature in your next relationship(s). Most people in our generation would live to their 90s what’s 4.5 years?

It’s a sad state of affairs that we are raised in a society that makes the ‘end’ of the relationship the main point of the relationship.

On the one hand, If you had good moments with him during these 4.5 years, be thankful and appreciate how lucky you are, many single people would envy you for that experience. How the relationship ends shouldn’t wipe out the happy memories you had with him.

On the other hand, If the relationship was indeed very toxic (I can’t tell without hearing the other side), consider yourself lucky that you managed to get out that quickly. A lot of people get stuck in a toxic relationship for decades.

In both cases you should be able to wangle yourself into a positive mood. Don’t make the classic mistake that many people do during breakups and make the breakup ugly enough to create a life long malice between the two of you.

If you indeed care about maintaining a chance of future friendship with him then I advice you to take a very stoic stance and absorb any harsh words and actions from him without retaliation. After all you are the one who broke up with him, it was your decision, it was under your control. Allow him to be indignant, he’s on the receiving end.

And to be honest, If my partner argues with me about my ex DURING the time he/she are breaking up with me then I would feel very relieved that they are breaking up with me and would not want anything to do with them.

Breathe in deep, breathe out slow.. you’ll be fine
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Anonymous #1
#17
Report Thread starter 5 days ago
#17
(Original post by starmus)
How old are you?

Being in a romantic relationship is an element of human lives it’s never a ‘waste of time’ to be in a relationship, your life is a very long dance and changing partners is not necessarily a bad thing as you will become more experienced and be more mature in your next relationship(s). Most people in our generation would live to their 90s what’s 4.5 years?

It’s a sad state of affairs that we are raised in a society that makes the ‘end’ of the relationship the main point of the relationship.

On the one hand, If you had good moments with him during these 4.5 years, be thankful and appreciate how lucky you are, many single people would envy you for that experience. How the relationship ends shouldn’t wipe out the happy memories you had with him.

On the other hand, If the relationship was indeed very toxic (I can’t tell without hearing the other side), consider yourself lucky that you managed to get out that quickly. A lot of people get stuck in a toxic relationship for decades.

In both cases you should be able to wangle yourself into a positive mood. Don’t make the classic mistake that many people do during breakups and make the breakup ugly enough to create a life long malice between the two of you.

If you indeed care about maintaining a chance of future friendship with him then I advice you to take a very stoic stance and absorb any harsh words and actions from him without retaliation. After all you are the one who broke up with him, it was your decision, it was under your control. Allow him to be indignant, he’s on the receiving end.

And to be honest, If my partner argues with me about my ex DURING the time he/she are breaking up with me then I would feel very relieved that they are breaking up with me and would not want anything to do with them.

Breathe in deep, breathe out slow.. you’ll be fineSubmit reply

Thank you for this. Really helpful advice. I'm 29 and he's 23. And before it gets confusing (and because I forgot to mention it), we're both guys.
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