Husband limits how often my baby can see my parents

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 5 days ago
#1
Hi all

I have a 9 month old baby. My husband has never been a family man and doesn’t have a good relationship with his family. I on the other hand do. My husband has insisted that our baby only sees my parents twice a month as he doesn’t want the baby to become too attached to them. He also wouldn’t let her stay there overnight.

I don’t think this is reasonable, if he doesn’t want her to see his parents, that’s between him and them. However I would like my parents to have a relationship with my daughter, and they would aswell. They live 1 hour drive away, which they are happy to do. Husband will never make the trip there however. He says I can see them as often as I want, but only wants our baby to see them maximum twice a month. I could understand this if my parents showed no interest or if they expected us to make the drive all the time, but they always do the drive and they dote over her and she has a great time with them.

Am I being unreasonable to think this is unfair and frankly not his decision to make?

He claims he should be able to decide as it’s his daughter, but I don’t agree.

Thanks
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tinyperson
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#2
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#2
it is not
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Surnia
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#3
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#3
Unreasonable and controlling. What other areas of your life does/could he do this? What will he be like when your daughter is older and more aware of her grandparents?
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Queenbee1323
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#4
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#4
I agree with the above people^^^, it seems unfair that you're not able to take your child to their grandparents.
Last edited by Queenbee1323; 4 days ago
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uberteknik
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#5
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#5
ngl Divorce.
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XxAlizaxX
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#6
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(Original post by uberteknik)
ngl Divorce.
Periodt.
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Admit-One
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#7
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#7
He sounds like a tosspot even by TSR relationship standards, which is saying something.

“Actually I’m not comfortable with you dictating that, here’s what I’d like to do…”
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londonmyst
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#8
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#8
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
You can quietly visit your parents and ask them to be discrete about seeing your baby, if you would rather avoid a fight with your husband over the issue or prefer to save the costs/disruption of childcare when you are visiting them.
Or you can have a frank discussion explaining your stance to him, knowing that there is a significant risk of an argument and neither of you are likely to change your mind to the point of a compromise that will involve an agreement that your child will be able to have regular contact with your parents as a 12-17 year old if the child wants to.

I do understand some of your husband's position, my viewpoint is a bit similar.
I won't date anyone who is still in regular contact with their ancestors or close relatives and any future child that I have will never meet, speak to or have any contact with grandparents.
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Doomotron
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#9
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#9
(Original post by londonmyst)
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
You can quietly visit your parents and ask them to be discrete about seeing your baby, if you would rather avoid a fight with your husband over the issue or prefer to save the costs/disruption of childcare when you are visiting them.
Or you can have a frank discussion explaining your stance to him, knowing that there is a significant risk of an argument and neither of you are likely to change your mind to the point of a compromise that will involve an agreement that your child will be able to have regular contact with your parents as a 12-17 year old if the child wants to.

I do understand some of your husband's position, my viewpoint is a bit similar.
I won't date anyone who is still in regular contact with their ancestors or close relatives and any future child that I have will never meet, speak to or have any contact with grandparents.
May I ask why you don't want to date people who are in contact with their grandparents, and why don't you want your children to meet their grandparents? What a strange and sinister position to have...
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londonmyst
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#10
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(Original post by Doomotron)
May I ask why you don't want to date people who are in contact with their grandparents, and why don't you want your children to meet their grandparents? What a strange and sinister position to have...
I'm going to go down the ivf coparenting route and am no fan of the close family dynamic.
Nor the extended family system or so called "grandparents rights".

I escaped from a toxic household before a levels were over.
Grew up surrounded by unreasonable adults into all manner of noisy revolutionary politics and religious lunacy who imposed their bizarre rules upon me.
I cut contact with all my surviving ancestors years ago, avoid them & their vilest pals like the plague and am unlikely to ever speak to any of them again.
I date with a minimum 15 year age gap and have a long list of dating dealbreakers.
I won't date any guy who has a close family dynamic, wants any contact with my parents or to have me meet/talk to any of his relatives.
Incompatible ambitions and lifestyles.
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Callicious
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#11
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#11
(Original post by londonmyst)
I'm going to go down the ivf coparenting route and am no fan of the close family dynamic.
Nor the extended family system or so called "grandparents rights".

I escaped from a toxic household before a levels were over.
Grew up surrounded by unreasonable adults into all manner of noisy revolutionary politics and religious lunacy who imposed their bizarre rules upon me.
I cut contact with all my surviving ancestors years ago, avoid them & their vilest pals like the plague and am unlikely to ever speak to any of them again.
I date with a minimum 15 year age gap and have a long list of dating dealbreakers.
I won't date any guy who has a close family dynamic, wants any contact with my parents or to have me meet/talk to any of his relatives.
Incompatible ambitions and lifestyles.
prsom
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Doomotron
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#12
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#12
(Original post by londonmyst)
I'm going to go down the ivf coparenting route and am no fan of the close family dynamic.
Nor the extended family system or so called "grandparents rights".

I escaped from a toxic household before a levels were over.
Grew up surrounded by unreasonable adults into all manner of noisy revolutionary politics and religious lunacy who imposed their bizarre rules upon me.
I cut contact with all my surviving ancestors years ago, avoid them & their vilest pals like the plague and am unlikely to ever speak to any of them again.
I date with a minimum 15 year age gap and have a long list of dating dealbreakers.
I won't date any guy who has a close family dynamic, wants any contact with my parents or to have me meet/talk to any of his relatives.
Incompatible ambitions and lifestyles.
You didn't like having strange rules placed upon you, yet you're preventing your children from having contact with their family? It seems that you are putting unreasonable restrictions on your future children, and your own love life, because of issues during your childhood - issues that will only affect your children because you place strange rules upon them, and not the same issue itself.
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londonmyst
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Doomotron)
You didn't like having strange rules placed upon you, yet you're preventing your children from having contact with their family? It seems that you are putting unreasonable restrictions on your future children, and your own love life, because of issues during your childhood - issues that will only affect your children because you place strange rules upon them, and not the same issue itself.
Any future child I have will have a nuclear family .
One most likely composed of two unmarried parents who have never been sexually involved or lived together.
Protected in their home during their childhood from exposure to all violent adults, convicted sex offenders, religious cranks and any other predatory creeps.

No child in the uk should have to cope with a very violent parent, bellowing politically militant noise nuisance adults or a self-harming religious fanatic with a medieval mindset in the habit of spewing fire&brimstone style rants about sin/hell/the devil.
Nor a bitter legal battle between overbearing grandparents trying to impose their presence and demands upon their despised descendants or have the last word with an in-law who has always refused to speak a word to them/be their silent audience.

I was and will be covering the physical scars from childhood attacks with makeup for the rest of my life.
But that cycle is over and will never become a tradition while I am alive.
I'm not going back and won't allow anyone else's attempts to resurrect the worst episodes of my family tree to blight the childhood of the next generation.
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Doomotron
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#14
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#14
(Original post by londonmyst)
Any future child I have will have a nuclear family .
One most likely composed of two unmarried parents who have never been sexually involved or lived together.
Protected in their home during their childhood from exposure to all violent adults, convicted sex offenders, religious cranks and any other predatory creeps.

No child in the uk should have to cope with a very violent parent, bellowing politically militant noise nuisance adults or a self-harming religious fanatic with a medieval mindset in the habit of spewing fire&brimstone style rants about sin/hell/the devil.
Nor a bitter legal battle between overbearing grandparents trying to impose their presence and demands upon their despised descendants or have the last word with an in-law who has always refused to speak a word to them/be their silent audience.

I was and will be covering the physical scars from childhood attacks with makeup for the rest of my life.
But that cycle is over and will never become a tradition while I am alive.
I'm not going back and won't allow anyone else's attempts to resurrect the worst episodes of my family tree to blight the childhood of the next generation.
That didn't actually answer my question, but I'll let you win anyway.
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Anonymous #1
#15
Report Thread starter 3 days ago
#15
(Original post by londonmyst)
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
You can quietly visit your parents and ask them to be discrete about seeing your baby, if you would rather avoid a fight with your husband over the issue or prefer to save the costs/disruption of childcare when you are visiting them.
Or you can have a frank discussion explaining your stance to him, knowing that there is a significant risk of an argument and neither of you are likely to change your mind to the point of a compromise that will involve an agreement that your child will be able to have regular contact with your parents as a 12-17 year old if the child wants to.

I do understand some of your husband's position, my viewpoint is a bit similar.
I won't date anyone who is still in regular contact with their ancestors or close relatives and any future child that I have will never meet, speak to or have any contact with grandparents.
Thanks for the tip but I can’t quietly visit my parents as my husband only works part time and is home the majority of the week

My parents did come over a few times without him knowing as he was at work. However he ended up finding out (and an argument followed) and he has since installed one of those video door bells so he can see who comes and goes whilst he’s not home...
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Anonymous #1
#16
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#16
There’s also rules he insists on during the 2 times a month they can come

- they’re not allowed to push her pram if we go out, it has to be me
- we’re not allowed to go out for a meal, as he wants us to go as a ‘family’
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Greebo85
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#17
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#17
Oh Op my heart is breaking for you.
This sounds like a truly dreadful situation. You recently gave birth and your parents want to be a part of their granddaughters life. You really shouldn’t have to hide their visits.
I am tempted to say that your husband has got issues that he needs to deal with, that he’s being completely unreasonable and that you shouldn’t put up with it. BUT, he’s clearly got issues, is totally unreasonable and you shouldn’t put up with it, ahem.
This is a huge red flag. I’m sure he has his reasons but that doesn’t make it ok.
Grandparents can give so much to a child’s life.
She’s a baby now but she will grow quicker than you know. Please tackle this now before your little girl is 5 and wondering why she can’t see her grandparents.
Don’t teach your daughter deceit and lies.
She deserves to be loved by those that love her.
Good luck and be strong
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Honey57
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#18
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#18
Listen, he sounds very very controlling. I’d suggest you have a talk with him so he can understand you and what you’re going through. Explain to him that you want your daughter to have a relationship with your parents. You have to be stern about it because being a new parent is hard and sometimes raising a child can seem overwhelming, but with what sounds like a lovely parental support you can rest assure that you’ll raise your child well and have all the help as you need. Just make it clear to your husband.
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Greebo85
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Honey57)
Listen, he sounds very very controlling. I’d suggest you have a talk with him so he can understand you and what you’re going through. Explain to him that you want your daughter to have a relationship with your parents. You have to be stern about it because being a new parent is hard and sometimes raising a child can seem overwhelming, but with what sounds like a lovely parental support you can rest assure that you’ll raise your child well and have all the help as you need. Just make it clear to your husband.
Couldn’t agree more
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rosy_posy
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#20
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#20
He has control issues and is taking his preferences way too far.
Last edited by rosy_posy; 2 days ago
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