Is anyone else completely alone?

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ShybutHi
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#1
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#1
I was wondering what other peoples experiences or thoughts are on this, particularly if you are in a similar situation.

Questions like:
How has it affected you?
What do you think of it?
Does it make you depressed?


-I'm a guy in my mid 30's and I have never been in a proper relationship. Women just don't seem to like me in that way and I have had very very few female friends. Women are friendly to me, and I could in my youth have been considered as having a few female acquaintances, but basically no female friends.
-I have no friends in general and haven't for many years. I speak to someone that could possibly considered a friend maybe once every few months or longer, maybe even once a year.
-I just have a few family members dotted around near me, I get on with them well but there are not many and don't see them massively often.


So basically I'm pretty much just totally alone. The only people I speak to on some kind of proper social level, so talking to more often, anything close to a friend, are work colleagues. Even then though I know they aren't really friends, more like acquaintances still. If I changed job, we likely would not speak again, or very rarely.

I'm "kind of" ok about it. I actually deal with it very well I think compared to most as usually I'm fine. Mainly I think because I have a ton of ambition with my career to go far, and with my many hobbies. So in a career sense and hobby sense I have a good future in these ways I think. There are some positives knowing no one because there is no drama in my life or anything of the sort too.

The disadvantages are obviously though... I'm alone with no social interaction. When it comes to a relationship, no one to share anything with. No higher purpose like having someone to care for and love.

So sometimes it does get a bit depressing for sure and I get sad... Thoughts about what could have been in the past if things worked out better, and I made better decisions in life, or didn't have any problems in the past. Thoughts of maybe I'm just one of the unlucky ones who had a rough teens and 20's. But also thoughts of maybe this is just how my life is going to be, and that it isn't something the will actually change whatever I try... In other words, that it is practically pre-destined due to how I am as a person and my past, that I always will be alone, and eventually, will die alone.
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tinyperson
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#2
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#2
find a hobby
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ShybutHi
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#3
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(Original post by tinyperson)
find a hobby
I have many.
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0ptics
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#4
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#4
(Original post by ShybutHi)
How has it affected you?
I’d say it affected me both ways. I feel happy being alone and would prefer being alone. It’s relaxing and doesn’t induce additional pressure on me. I find that I’m more happy chilling in a park, on a bench alone as opposed to wasting mental energy to socialise. However, there are times where I wish that I was in a friendship group as friendships can be seen as advantageous and besides, my brain is literally asking me for human interaction. But the inability to make friends causes me to get stressed and that subsequently causes me to prefer being alone again and the cycle repeats…
What do you think of it?
I’m not sure, tbh. I think that I should just embrace being myself but at the same time, there’s something telling me to mask to socialise and I just find it irritating. I think that I should happily be myself without getting crushed by societal norms.
Does it make you depressed?
At times, yes. It’s a long and harsh cycle and if nothing happens, I’ll lose faith and start believing that, as you said, I’m pre-destined to fail no matter what. I don’t have that mentality now but I sense it would come slowly if nothing happens.
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Anonymous #1
#5
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Yeah, I feel the same way you do actually. I am in my early 20s and I already regret my life and I keep looking back and thinking, what if I had approached things in a slightly different way, because I am actually very very anti-social. I've always had this personality defect in me, but I always think, what if I had used the opportunities that I had in the past to connect with more people and to form meaningful relationships. I keep regretting my decisions and not being social enough.

It has affected me in a very negative way. I always think that because everyone has a girlfriend or they have more friends, they always have greater value and they live happier lives, but the fact is that this might not always be true, like we don't know what other people are going through in their lives. Someone might have lots of friends and girlfriends but they might be struggling with their careers, which is the opposite to your case. I've always been self-conscious about the fact that I am terrible at making friends, let alone talking to girls and seeing everyone else being successful in this aspect makes me feel upset and makes me feel like I am much worse than other people.

It is also important to remember that you can always change things. For example, you might want to try improving your conversation skills and putting yourself out there. You can try dating sites. I would recommend against this because for guys dating sites are far less beneficial and can have detrimental effect on your self-esteem and mental health because usually people always look at how you look on dating sites rather than their personality or their interests. That's just how these dating sites are, so I'd recommend have more frequent conversations with people in real-life for higher success, but you could still have a go.

Overall, my biggest tip to all of this is to NOT think about it. The more you think about this the more upset you're going to get. I am trying not to think about it too much because I don't want to be depressed about it. Be bold and be brave. Use as many opportunities as you can to talk to people and reach out to them. Especially since you're in your 30s, so I think you've got nothing to lose, so like, put yourself out there more and be very brave. If people don't want to talk to you that's on them. If people don't want to accept what you offer to them, that's on them and that's their problem. If you continue to keep going, try new things, challenge yourself and learn new skills you will eventually meet people who will like you in that way. Remember that everyone's different. I have reached out to quite a few girls in my life and every single one of them had a different mindset and different personality. Some girls ignored me, some girls were very talkative and some were shy and some were more confident. I think it is true that if you keep going and meet new people, eventually, you will come across the person/girl that will make time for you and like you. That's what I try to think and that's how I try to cure myself from my anti-social personality.
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black tea
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#6
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#6
I am female, in my late twenties, single (by choice; I have been in relationships before) and with a similar friend situation (few close friends that I see fairly infrequently). I'm pretty introverted and my social interaction with colleagues is enough social contact for me. I'm happy with things as they are and I prefer the prospect of dying alone over the prospect of leaving lots of people upset by my death.
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londonmyst
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#7
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#7
I'm happily single and enjoy living alone.
I know quite a few girls & guys who are almost completely alone and don't want to be.
Mostly traumatised survivors of horrifying crime or abuse, vulnerable singles with serious health issues that restrict their earning potential/opportunities to make a positive first impression and lonely singles estranged from their closest relatives desperate to start a family but hampering their chances with far too many unrealistic dealbreakers.
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ShybutHi
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#8
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#8
(Original post by londonmyst)
I'm happily single and enjoy living alone.
I know quite a few girls & guys who are almost completely alone and don't want to be.
Mostly traumatised survivors of horrifying crime or abuse, vulnerable singles with serious health issues that restrict their earning potential/opportunities to make a positive first impression and lonely singles estranged from their closest relatives desperate to start a family but hampering their chances with far too many unrealistic dealbreakers.
I'm generally pretty fine being single and living alone too.

For me personally though, while I don't care so much about friends, I think finding the right person for a relationship can be very positive and worth it. For me at least I think it would be because I have a lot of time that I spend on career and hobbies which I enjoy and hope to attain a very high quality of life. A relationship for me then is something that just adds to that and enhances life. But the "right person" seems incredibly difficult to find.

So, if I am to speak about it in biologically, psychological, and social terms, humans have needs and desires. If I met the right person, it 'should' enhance life, it 'should' make you happier right? The social interaction can be positive psychologically for a human being. Having someone close to show affection to, share that close physical bond with, and to be blunt have sex with, is also positive biologically and psychologically. Then apart from that, having someone to go on holidays with, share experiences and memories with I think is all just positive too. Emotionally I think, a good balanced relationship can be a very healthy and positive thing.

Anyway perhaps I'm starting to go a bit too in depth! Just throwing thoughts out really.

To summarise, I think it could potentially be very positive and it is likely worth trying but seems so difficult. I feel like for someone like me in my situation it is practically impossible though. Finding a woman who also has her own ambitions, hobbies etc, cares not for drama at all, and isn't necessarily interested in social circles and family gatherings and all that, but also wants someone close to share company, time and a closeness with (whether that is living together, or just apart and seeing each other weekends, and going on holidays together), is practically impossible.
Last edited by ShybutHi; 5 days ago
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Anonymous #2
#9
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#9
I'm very much an introvert and struggle to make strong connections and really good friends. I'm still in university and I've always had a friend group it's just that everyone else seems much closer than I am. I also feel mostly okay about it because I enjoy my alone time and get too tired from socialising too often. However, I really would reccomend trying to see people regularly outside of work I think it's important for a healthy life balance. Maybe you are busy with your job and hobbies but if you had time you could try volunteering or maybe making your hobbies more social if they are not already.
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londonmyst
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#10
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(Original post by ShybutHi)
I'm generally pretty fine being single and living alone too.

For me personally though, while I don't care so much about friends, I think finding the right person for a relationship can be very positive and worth it. For me at least I think it would be because I have a lot of time that I spend on career and hobbies which I enjoy and hope to attain a very high quality of life. A relationship for me then is something that just adds to that and enhances life. But the "right person" seems incredibly difficult to find.

So, if I am to speak about it in biologically, psychological, and social terms, humans have needs and desires. If I met the right person, it 'should' enhance life, it 'should' make you happier right? The social interaction can be positive psychologically for a human being. Having someone close to show affection to, share that close physical bond with, and to be blunt have sex with, is also positive biologically and psychologically. Then apart from that, having someone to go on holidays with, share experiences and memories with I think is all just positive too. Emotionally I think, a good balanced relationship can be a very healthy and positive thing.

Anyway perhaps I'm starting to go a bit too in depth! Just throwing thoughts out really.

To summarise, I think it could potentially be very positive and it is likely worth trying but seems so difficult. I feel like for someone like me in my situation it is practically impossible though. Finding a woman who also has her own ambitions, hobbies etc, cares not for drama at all, and isn't necessarily interested in social circles and family gatherings and all that, but also wants someone close to share company, time and a closeness with (whether that is living together, or just apart and seeing each other weekends, and going on holidays together), is practically impossible.
Good luck!
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ShybutHi
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#11
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(Original post by black tea)
I am female, in my late twenties, single (by choice; I have been in relationships before) and with a similar friend situation (few close friends that I see fairly infrequently). I'm pretty introverted and my social interaction with colleagues is enough social contact for me. I'm happy with things as they are and I prefer the prospect of dying alone over the prospect of leaving lots of people upset by my death.
That is fair to a certain extent but if you found someone who loves you, sure they would be upset if you died, but the point is to celebrate the life that was and the happy memories and times spent together. That is really what life is about in my opinion. It is really about sharing the experience, rather than selfishly living just for yourself (which I currently do too, but I also hope it doesn't last until my death!).
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black tea
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(Original post by ShybutHi)
That is fair to a certain extent but if you found someone who loves you, sure they would be upset if you died, but the point is to celebrate the life that was and the happy memories and times spent together. That is really what life is about in my opinion. It is really about sharing the experience, rather than selfishly living just for yourself (which I currently do too, but I also hope it doesn't last until my death!).
I don't see what is selfish about living just for yourself.
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ShybutHi
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#13
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(Original post by black tea)
I don't see what is selfish about living just for yourself.
Well it is kind of complicated. I think there is a certain amount of selfishness in it because you are essentially only caring about your own life, when if you were to find a partner and have a mutual loving relationship, you are not just doing it for yourself but essentially for the other person too, because you are also caring for them and their wellbeing. To an extent most humans are selfish and only care about themselves.

Have to be careful though because some people might get into a relationship just to appease them self, and not to actually truly care about the other person in the relationship. I think that actually happens very often.
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black tea
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(Original post by ShybutHi)
Well it is kind of complicated. I think there is a certain amount of selfishness in it because you are essentially only caring about your own life, when if you were to find a partner and have a mutual loving relationship, you are not just doing it for yourself but essentially for the other person too, because you are also caring for them and their wellbeing. To an extent most humans are selfish and only care about themselves.

Have to be careful though because some people might get into a relationship just to appease them self, and not to actually truly care about the other person in the relationship. I think that actually happens very often.
You can do a lot for other people (a lot more than some partners do for each other) and still be single so I disagree with you.
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ShybutHi
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#15
(Original post by black tea)
You can do a lot for other people (a lot more than some partners do for each other) and still be single so I disagree with you.
Sounds like you are confusing something like giving to charity or helping friends or family, with actually sharing your life with someone and caring for them. That is a very different thing to me.

This is a perspective thing. I see living only for yourself with no desire for a relationship as a bit of a selfish way to live compared to someone in a serious loving relationship. The reason is because I perceive a relationship as wanting to do things for the other person to make their life better, because you want to be with them and care for them and make them happy. Not, for example, the other way around, and being in a relationship because you want someone who will do things for you instead.

You can guarantee some people get into relationships with exactly that perspective that they want someone to do things for them. A good example would be those who expect their partner to entertain them. I would argue they have no clue what a healthy relationship, or perhaps what love, really is.
Last edited by ShybutHi; 5 days ago
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black tea
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(Original post by ShybutHi)
Sounds like you are confusing something like giving to charity or helping friends or family, with actually sharing your life with someone and caring for them. That is a very different thing to me.

This is a perspective thing. I see living only for yourself with no desire for a relationship as a bit of a selfish way to live compared to someone in a serious loving relationship. The reason is because I perceive a relationship as wanting to do things for the other person to make their life better, because you want to be with them and care for them and make them happy. Not, for example, the other way around, and being in a relationship because you want someone who will do things for you instead.

You can guarantee some people get into relationships with exactly that perspective that they want someone to do things for them. A good example would be those who expect their partner to entertain them. I would argue they have no clue what a healthy relationship, or perhaps what love, really is.
No, I mean people like carers, nurses etc. who literally spend their working lives caring for other people and trying to make their lives better. You cannot say these people are selfish if they choose not to be in a relationship and to live for themselves outside of work.
Last edited by black tea; 5 days ago
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SaucissonSecCy
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Yup. I'm totally alone. Let the girl of my dreams slip through my fingers, actually 2 of them, don't even fathom why. I figure that God won't give me too many chances to meet the ideal person and keep kicking myself for what could have been.
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londonmyst
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(Original post by SaucissonSecCy)
Yup. I'm totally alone. Let the girl of my dreams slip through my fingers, actually 2 of them, don't even fathom why. I figure that God won't give me too many chances to meet the ideal person and keep kicking myself for what could have been.
Plenty more compatible single fish in the dating sea who you are yet to meet.
Good luck!
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SaucissonSecCy
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#19
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(Original post by londonmyst)
Plenty more compatible single fish in the dating sea who you are yet to meet.
Good luck!
Thanks but not judging by online dating. Just don't think I'm that type. 2 or 3 times I've met the ideal person where the feeling was mutual and it's either slipped away or I've blown it by being introverted and perversely self absorbed when they were trying to show me. Now at my age it seems like the chances are much lower of meeting someone.
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ShybutHi
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#20
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(Original post by black tea)
No, I mean people like carers, nurses etc. who literally spend their working lives caring for other people and trying to make their lives better. You cannot say these people are selfish if they choose not to be in a relationship and to live for themselves outside of work.
Yeah people who dedicate their life to help others are certainly not living a selfish life compared to most that is true. I'm still talking even further than that though. Like if you have kids and do everything to raise them well, you are essentially giving up your life for them. Your kids come before you own life essentially. That is also how I view a proper serious relationship where you love your partner. Your partners happiness in life essentially comes before your own.
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