She shut me down. Should I message her again?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
Hey, so for the last month and a half I've been seeing a girl. We've been on 4 dates all of which went amazingly. She always gave me positive responses in text, and in-person she was great. For the last week, she'd been quite quiet over text and I eventually asked her out again.

She shut me down, said that she thought I'm really fun, but thinks I was looking for something serious and thought it wasn't fair to keep seeing me. I told her that I didn't really know how I felt, and was going to just ask her and go from there - which is all true, I just wanted to do it in-person on our next meetup; she beat me to the cake, obviously.

I asked her if she'd want to keep seeing each other casually, and she still said no. Ouch. I just said it's alright, not a problem and thanked her for being honest and straight up about it. That was the last thing that's been said.

It's upsetting because I had reached a point where I was happy for it go either way. I really enjoyed her company, but was also down for it becoming serious. I don't have many friends that I can have that sort of fun with, as they're all in relationships now or just don't live near me. I thought with her I'd found a friend or a relationship, but she's told me no to both. I just wasn't expecting this to happen at all.

I've thought maybe I could leave it a month or even more, and if I still feel like this... maybe I could pop up to her again? Ask her how she's doing, or go for a coffee? Is that a bad idea?
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Jess1975
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#2
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#2
If she's said no, then the answer is no. I'm sorry mate. Sucks for you but you'll both find what you need. Just don't message or pester her. She has said no and that's your answer.
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1582
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#3
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It is a bad idea, yes. She has made clear that she doesn't want any further involvement with you and what you need to do is respect that
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Anonymous #1
#4
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(Original post by Jess1975)
If she's said no, then the answer is no. I'm sorry mate. Sucks for you but you'll both find what you need. Just don't message or pester her. She has said no and that's your answer.
Aye, seems to be the general consensus. Thanks for this. I suppose it's something I needed to hear.
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Zarek
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Dating is full of unpleasant surprises unfortunately. It’s very refreshing when you do find someone that reliably treats you well. It much better for your self esteem ultimately if you let things lie and instead focus on finding someone better
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Zarek)
Dating is full of unpleasant surprises unfortunately. It’s very refreshing when you do find someone that reliably treats you well. It much better for your self esteem ultimately if you let things lie and instead focus on finding someone better
I appreciate that, I just feel really confused and let down. Every time we were together it felt like we both had a really good time and we were so god damn similar. For her to just cut me off and even tell me that we can't even be friends just sucked. I don't know if I'm to blame at all or what. It's been stuck in my head for the past few days now and it's driving me nuts. Wish I could talk to her again.
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2886
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Well just go hey thats that I'm gonna find someone else and well whatever happens happens and well all's well if it ends well!

Hang in there have fun and find another girl!

Good Luck!
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Admit-One
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#8
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I appreciate that, I just feel really confused and let down. Every time we were together it felt like we both had a really good time and we were so god damn similar. For her to just cut me off and even tell me that we can't even be friends just sucked. I don't know if I'm to blame at all or what. It's been stuck in my head for the past few days now and it's driving me nuts. Wish I could talk to her again.
It happens. I’ve had a couple of great dates followed by “well it’s not working for me for whatever reason” type washout explanations. At the end of the day they are likely being polite and it just wasn’t the one for them. If they were keen but had some other concern they’d be more likely to discuss it. In this case they’ve been very clear and to your credit, you’ve dealt with it very maturely in your responses to them.

Try not to see it as a failure, you had 4 dates which went well so you’ve clearly got something going for you.
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Anonymous #1
#9
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(Original post by Admit-One)
It happens. I’ve had a couple of great dates followed by “well it’s not working for me for whatever reason” type washout explanations. At the end of the day they are likely being polite and it just wasn’t the one for them. If they were keen but had some other concern they’d be more likely to discuss it. In this case they’ve been very clear and to your credit, you’ve dealt with it very maturely in your responses to them.

Try not to see it as a failure, you had 4 dates which went well so you’ve clearly got something going for you.
I don't honestly believe the reason she gave me was the reason she ended it. Knowing what I know about her, I believe she didn't know how she felt either and this was her reaction to it. It wasn't a straight 'no', either, her exact words were - "i don't think that's a good choice"... though of course, sounds like a no to me. She just wasn't giving me 'casual' vibes, man. She'd hold my thigh on entire car journey's and refuse to leave the car without coming back in to makeout some more. She opened up to me alot about her anxieties and stresses, and a bunch of other stuff. Is there truly nothing more I can do on my part? I just wish I could discuss it, but messaging her again just really also seems like a bad move.

The other thing is, this likely won't be the last time I see her. My best friend is dating someone very close to her and I'm still being invited out to their social events (made up of my best friend, his gf, me, and the girl I like). I don't know what that'll be like when I see her next.
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Admit-One
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't honestly believe the reason she gave me was the reason she ended it. Knowing what I know about her, I believe she didn't know how she felt either and this was her reaction to it. It wasn't a straight 'no', either, her exact words were - "i don't think that's a good choice"... though of course, sounds like a no to me. She just wasn't giving me 'casual' vibes, man. She'd hold my thigh on entire car journey's and refuse to leave the car without coming back in to makeout some more. She opened up to me alot about her anxieties and stresses, and a bunch of other stuff. Is there truly nothing more I can do on my part? I just wish I could discuss it, but messaging her again just really also seems like a bad move.

The other thing is, this likely won't be the last time I see her. My best friend is dating someone very close to her and I'm still being invited out to their social events (made up of my best friend, his gf, me, and the girl I like). I don't know what that'll be like when I see her next.
She's clearly got some reservation about something. It can be very frustrating to not know why, (or disbelieve the explanation given), but you need to respect that and not see it as something to be 'fixed'. She may not even know the reason why, or be able to express it clearly, so she's given you the reason she has.

if it's likely you'll bump into her again in the future, I think it's even more important that you give her the space and don't pursue her for further explanations or attempts to resolve matters. You might end up being friends or you may not be comfortable with that, but please don't end up being 'that guy' who can't let it go.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Admit-One)
She's clearly got some reservation about something. It can be very frustrating to not know why, (or disbelieve the explanation given), but you need to respect that and not see it as something to be 'fixed'. She may not even know the reason why, or be able to express it clearly, so she's given you the reason she has.

if it's likely you'll bump into her again in the future, I think it's even more important that you give her the space and don't pursue her for further explanations or attempts to resolve matters. You might end up being friends or you may not be comfortable with that, but please don't end up being 'that guy' who can't let it go.
I will continue to respect it. This stuff is always so hard lol, the not-knowing-why thing is horrible. Just a shame, it's hard to let go of the hope that she might message me one night or something like that.

Thanks for the advice, especially on what'll happen when we meet next. I suppose if she wants to resolve it or rekindle what we had, the first move needs to be done by her at this point. A part of me really would want to bring it up and resolve it, but I need to avoid doing that. I'll give her space and I won't pursue anything.
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Trinculo
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#12
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I'm conflicted. On the one hand, you shouldn't be a gamma and go chasing after someone like a 5 year old who's lost their mum in John Lewis.

On the other hand - I don't like this idea of "she said no and that's the end of it". Since when is she the final authority on things? Just because she said she thinks blah doesn't mean you have to immediately jump to attention and do her (implied) bidding.

So it's a tough one.

Personally, I have a horrible feeling that those dates didn't go quite as well as you think. She wants to go in a different direction and just made up some dumb excuse. You could call her bluff and just say "no I wasn't looking for anything long-term. Just a bit of messing about and leave it whenever" just to see what she says - but ultimately does that really matter. I think she's just playing games and isn't worth your time.
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Anonymous #1
#13
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(Original post by Trinculo)
I'm conflicted. On the one hand, you shouldn't be a gamma and go chasing after someone like a 5 year old who's lost their mum in John Lewis.

On the other hand - I don't like this idea of "she said no and that's the end of it". Since when is she the final authority on things? Just because she said she thinks blah doesn't mean you have to immediately jump to attention and do her (implied) bidding.

So it's a tough one.

Personally, I have a horrible feeling that those dates didn't go quite as well as you think. She wants to go in a different direction and just made up some dumb excuse. You could call her bluff and just say "no I wasn't looking for anything long-term. Just a bit of messing about and leave it whenever" just to see what she says - but ultimately does that really matter. I think she's just playing games and isn't worth your time.
Yeah, it's a real conflicting thing for me too lol. Thanks for having a good read about it.

It was upsetting that she made the assumption that I was looking for a serious relationship. I wasn't really sure myself, but I was happy with becoming a friend, or pursuing her further. I didn't expect her to want to cut me off completely. I was one more date away from discussing this stuff with her, she just beat me to the cake. I had the entire date ready in my head too, man, it sucked. It may very well be possible that she's playing a game, though I just don't think that's the case - nor is assuming that worth the risk of blowing it completely. Right now, I still have something of a chance in the future, given I'm likely to see her again. I did ask her out alot, maybe I came on too strong too fast.

Also, I asked her if she'd want to continue casually, and she just said she didn't think it was a good choice. Nothing ever since.

I just don't think the dates went bad, man. I get what you're saying, but there was a point where she literally grabbed me by my shoulders, and exclaimed that she's really happy and she's having a great time. We never stopped talking or doing stuff. She always always wanted to go on more and see me more, it's just almost like she completely changed her mind about everything in a few days. Even the last time I saw her, she kept coming back in for another kiss when she had to get out of my car. She'd rarely let go of me.

She's an anxious person, and very introverted- I think she may have also only went through a breakup a few months ago, though that's guesswork. My theory is honestly she didn't know how she felt, and this was her reaction to it. Wishing I tried to discuss it with her when she last text me now, but it's too late.
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Trinculo
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#14
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Yeah, it's a real conflicting thing for me too lol. Thanks for having a good read about it.

It was upsetting that she made the assumption that I was looking for a serious relationship. I wasn't really sure myself, but I was happy with becoming a friend, or pursuing her further. I didn't expect her to want to cut me off completely. I was one more date away from discussing this stuff with her, she just beat me to the cake. I had the entire date ready in my head too, man, it sucked. It may very well be possible that she's playing a game, though I just don't think that's the case - nor is assuming that worth the risk of blowing it completely. Right now, I still have something of a chance in the future, given I'm likely to see her again. I did ask her out alot, maybe I came on too strong too fast.

Also, I asked her if she'd want to continue casually, and she just said she didn't think it was a good choice. Nothing ever since.

I just don't think the dates went bad, man. I get what you're saying, but there was a point where she literally grabbed me by my shoulders, and exclaimed that she's really happy and she's having a great time. We never stopped talking or doing stuff. She always always wanted to go on more and see me more, it's just almost like she completely changed her mind about everything in a few days. Even the last time I saw her, she kept coming back in for another kiss when she had to get out of my car. She'd rarely let go of me.

She's an anxious person, and very introverted- I think she may have also only went through a breakup a few months ago, though that's guesswork. My theory is honestly she didn't know how she felt, and this was her reaction to it. Wishing I tried to discuss it with her when she last text me now, but it's too late.
Ultimately, if you are really into her and you think she was at least on some level into you - then literally what have you got to lose by summoning her to a face-to-face and finding out what her deal is. If she won't even meet with you or gives you some nonsense like "it's too painful" then you know she's just playing games. If you meet and it's clearly over, then you're still better off because you have certainty.

Say "I want to meet up because I don't think this is a good way to end things and there are a few things I'd like to know and I'd hope you'd respect me enough to give me answers in person, and I can give you honest answers to anything you like". If she won't go for that, she's a time waster.
Last edited by Trinculo; 1 month ago
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Zarek
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#15
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I appreciate that, I just feel really confused and let down. Every time we were together it felt like we both had a really good time and we were so god damn similar. For her to just cut me off and even tell me that we can't even be friends just sucked. I don't know if I'm to blame at all or what. It's been stuck in my head for the past few days now and it's driving me nuts. Wish I could talk to her again.
Yep, it’s bad. I’ve experienced quite a few unpleasant twists and you have have to avoid feeling to blame and just see it as part of the intangible complexity of finding a decent partner. New and better love comes..
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Anonymous #1
#16
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(Original post by Trinculo)
Ultimately, if you are really into her and you think she was at least on some level into you - then literally what have you got to lose by summoning her to a face-to-face and finding out what her deal is. If she won't even meet with you or gives you some nonsense like "it's too painful" then you know she's just playing games. If you meet and it's clearly over, then you're still better off because you have certainty.

Say "I want to meet up because I don't think this is a good way to end things and there are a few things I'd like to know and I'd hope you'd respect me enough to give me answers in person, and I can give you honest answers to anything you like". If she won't go for that, she's a time waster.
I believe I might be able to find out more from my best friend, given he's dating a close friend of hers. I might see if he knows any more when I next talk to him and go from there.

I really would like to discuss this with her more but if it's just going to make me come across as too keen or overbearing etc then I just worry it'll be a really wrong move to do. Though, the whole "I don't think this is a good way to end things" is very true and a good idea lol. I'll definitely be seeing her again sometime in mid-December, though it will also be with others. Maybe I could wait until then and see what the vibe is like?
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Trinculo
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#17
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I believe I might be able to find out more from my best friend, given he's dating a close friend of hers. I might see if he knows any more when I next talk to him and go from there.

I really would like to discuss this with her more but if it's just going to make me come across as too keen or overbearing etc then I just worry it'll be a really wrong move to do. Though, the whole "I don't think this is a good way to end things" is very true and a good idea lol. I'll definitely be seeing her again sometime in mid-December, though it will also be with others. Maybe I could wait until then and see what the vibe is like?
This is entirely your call - you have first hand experience of all the persons involved. I personally don't like the "I'll get my mate to ask her mate" as it's all a bit Year 9 for me. As to the timing - again - that's your call. I personally wouldn't be too worried about how you appear - this is about you, not her, as from her point of view, she's ended it so it really doesn't matter. You could also see that if she's playing some dumb game - in 2-3 weeks time she might say something like "you left it ages before you asked me". But again, you actually know her, so your call will be the right one for you.
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