Found a condom in my boyfriend's suitcase

We live together and generally have a good relationship. Sex has definitely slowed down since living together and both busy with full time jobs but when we do it's always still good. We've always argued quite a bit. The past couple of weeks it has been pretty bad and this weekend we had quite a big one. The arguments start from my boyfriend being stressed and blowing up minor things. We talked about living separately but concluded that we don't actually want to do that.

The day after the argument, things are fine. He's packing his bag for a work trip he's going on for a few days. He's going on a work trip with a big group (mix of boys and girls).

I generally trust my boyfriend, but he can be quite secretive. Taking his phone everywhere, not telling me things until afterwards (or until I find out myself).

He cheated on his last girlfriend a couple of times when he was drunk and unhappy and said he would never do it again. Just kissing girls, not sleeping etc.

Obviously something is up because for the first time I counted how many condoms we had the night before. As he was about to leave, I had a quick look in the box and saw we had 1 missing. I confronted him and he immediately denied and then came clean. Saying it's not how it looks and he likes to masturbate with them. I told him I'm done.

He then reveals an elaborate story about how he likes to masturbate and said he was too ashamed to tell me. He said he did it this week when I was out and he was going to do it again on this trip. He said he would never cheat and if he did he wouldn't bring one, and he would just buy some. I don't need to hear that but ok.

I've never seem him so apologetic and profess his love so much to me. Usually if I've confronted him about something like this, he would deny, apologise, try and get things back to normal, then get defensive and angry and turn it around on me. Which is usually a sign of him lying. However, maybe he was just really scared of losing me. He hadn't actually cheated yet, it just crossed his mind so he could claw it back as there's no actual evidence of cheating.

I believe his elaborate masturbation story as they were very specific details. But I'm still not sure where the condom comes in. He prefers sex without them, he has never mentioned masturbating with one before, I've never noticed missing condoms and surely he would do it more often if he likes it. Plus why just the one condom? He said once is enough but I'm not sure I believe that.

Worst case scenario: the masturbation story is true but the condom was packed just in case if something ever happened - always better to be prepared. Wouldn't want an sti or a pregnancy. If someone offered themself to him, he wouldn't turn it down because how would I know if he's away?

Best case: he's telling the truth, he's gutted at how bad it all looks, all he can try and do is try and make me believe. maybe he'll be a better boyfriend after putting me through that.

I really don't want to break up with him but I am not staying with him if he was planning on cheating. He got spooked this time but now I'm just going to be even more untrusting and trying to catch him out. But if he is telling the truth, I would hate to end out relationship as I really do think he is the one.

What do you guys think?

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Reply 1

Adz2042

bit weird for a guy to be enjoying himself with a condom solo.
i don't buy it, but you're asking strangers on the internet for advice, so we don't know the full story of why he is doing it, or what benefit it is to him for doing it.

some guys always carry spares. same can be said with a car / house key. you carry a spare in case you lose your car in a busy car park lot, or the house key doesn't fit the locks first few times, so you try the spare one.

i'd focus on yourself and the relationship. leave this in the past, create memories together, and if you're saying that sex is lacking a bit, ask that he put these condoms to use with you than doing things individually.

Reply 2

cuisson

Original post by Adz2042

Yeah I'm not sure I buy it. So many times we've talked about condoms and preferences and nothing has ever come up. He could have easily once said 'I don't mind wearing a condom during sex, in fact sometimes I masturbate with one on because it feels good'. But it seems so out of character. I understand him not sharing the other side of the story but the condom part? I wouldn't bat an eyelid if he told me he likes having posh wanks.
He said he did it this week and got rid of the condom in the kitchen bin (which we have now taken out) so I can't even look in the bin to see. If there was a wrapper then I'd believe it but it's hard to now.

Yeah I know but a spare for what? It wasn't already in his bag, he had specifically put it in that morning. Spare condoms in his car - fair enough. But if I was going away without him, there is no chance in million years I would pack a condom just in case. Or even shave just in case. If he has packed a spare in case then that's dumpable in my opinion which is why I told him I'm done. He knows that too. So it feels like he scrambled and talked about the elaborate masturbation story as a cover up.

Masturbating is fine, we generally have an open conversation about that. It doesn't bother me if he does or not. Although a part of me is a bit sad that he had such a wild secretive time when I was out this week and is eagerly planning on it while away. While at home, we're arguing so much that we don't even have sex.

It's terrible timing. If our relationship was happier at the moment, I'd be more inclined to believe him. I really can't tolerate cheating which is why I feel like I'm always playing detective because I'd want to know early on so I could get out. I know people give second chances, and I have for various hiccups along the way. But I don't know if I could forget the idea of him purposefully packing a condom. Sorry I feel like I'm going on. I just can't talk to anyone about it in real life because it wouldn't be fair on him. I understand there's not much people can say without knowing the full story, but I feel like I need some outside perspectives. At the moment he's obviously still away so we are having time apart and it's all I can think about.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 3

Anonymous #1

To be brutally honest, he probably took it just in case an opportunity presented itself for him to have sex. I’m guessing you’ll stay with him until you find out for certain he has cheated even though you’ve said you fight all the time (which seems incredibly toxic). In which case just focus on the good. What I mean is, if you’re not going to end things why worry about what may or may not happen? Life’s too short.

Reply 4

cuisson

Original post by Anonymous

Yeah that is kind of what I think. The type of person who would take the opportunity but be considerate enough to use a condom. Yeah I know, I've been at breaking point recently because of the arguing. Previously it would be a mutual thing, but now it is just him getting immediately worked up over minor things. We discussed a lot the night before he went away and it seemed like we were going to try and work through things. We both want to be together but living together can be challenging. I just can't believe he'd take the chance of packing a condom (even if it was innocent) after we've discussed all of that. Surely it's not worth the risk.
Cheating or not, this will probably give him a shakeup. But I cannot stay with someone who packs a condom in case the opportunity presents itself. So I either let him convince me more and more, eventually move on. Or just break up with him because there is a chance that he's lying to me.
Thanks both of you for your replies.

Reply 5

cuisson

Also I already told him we're done when I first found out. We didn't actually break up, instead we talked and I listened to what he had to say. He went on his trip and we've kept in touch but it does feel like we're in limbo. Should I break up with him to see how he reacts or is that a bad idea? Would it be better to continue being in relationship and see if he proves himself. Or should I just break up with him and see if he even fights for it? Normally I'm against all of that and I think it can be toxic to threaten to break up. But if he doesn't fight for it then I feel like I'll know it was the right decision.
I'm also a bit stuck because we live together in a flat in his hometown. I'm guessing he would move back home and then I'd take over the flat but I don't know. It's a very scary thought, we've put so much into this flat and our relationship.

Reply 6

ageshallnot

If he was planning to cheat why would he only take one condom? Is he always one-and-done?

Reply 7

cuisson

Original post by ageshallnot

If he was planning to cheat why would he only take one condom? Is he always one-and-done?

I'm not sure. If he was planning on using it for masturbation and he's there for 4 days surely he would take more than one? I think if there was a female colleague he had hopes and plans for he'd take a couple of condoms. But it worries me that he took only one just in case the opportunity does arise so he at least has one. Then he can always buy some more. Worries me that he's such an idiot that he'd give in if an attractive woman gave him the opportunity. Especially since we're only having sex once a week at the moment and it's not like anyone could find out. I don't know if there's a specific situation he has planned but it worries me that he would be careful enough to take a condom just in case.
He already had a condom (+specials) session a few days ago when I was out. So it has only been a few days since his next session so surely he'd hope to do it as much as he can and not just once. He said used to do it when he was younger so if he's only now getting back into it, it's weird that he's only taken one. In his previous relationship they didn't use condoms so I can imagine he probably didn't have as much access but we always have them in so I'm surprised he hasn't done it more often when I'm out or when we lived apart?

Btw I'm not just talking about a posh w4nk. Apparently it's all part of an act that he does which he is deeply embarrassed about and has never told anyone. Which is why I kind of believed him when he was telling me. But after spending more time thinking about it, it still doesn't make sense to me. The additional parts do because he had some other paraphernalia in his bag. But I'm wondering if maybe he's just very h0rny and is hoping to either sleep with someone (and use condom) or masturbate with his paraphernalia and not use a condom. Btw the condom isn't a protection from anything in the act, it's purely for the feeling apparently.

Reply 8

1582

Volunteer Team

Original post by cuisson

Should I break up with him to see how he reacts or is that a bad idea? Would it be better to continue being in relationship and see if he proves himself. Or should I just break up with him and see if he even fights for it?

The problem with all of these options is that your choice is being motivated by the type of reaction you are hoping to see in response. Stay together if you want to stay together. Break-up if you want to break-up. Make a firm decision and aim to stick by it regardless of his reaction.

However, if you want an opinion, it was clear from the moment you said that you actually counted the condoms and then went and checked them that you shouldn't be dating this person. That action shows that you don't trust him. People who trust their partners wouldnt do this. If you can't trust him then you shouldn't stay with him.

Reply 9

ageshallnot

Original post by cuisson

Does his "routine" involve edging? That might explain why he only needs one.

"He already had a condom (+specials) session... part of an act.. other paraphernalia..." I'm intrigued!!! But surely that would imply its a solo interest of his? Or could all the extra gear be used by a partner as well?

Reply 10

cuisson

Original post by 1582

Of course I want to stay together. But it's just me taking his word. If I knew the truth and it was true it was taken just in case then I would break up with him. I do think people make mistakes and deserve second chances but I couldn't forgive something so premeditated. That's no drunken mistake, that's something you've prepared for in case it happens.

Yeah trust me, I know. He's gone away with a female colleague from work before and I did wonder if he took condoms but I didn't count them or anything like this. I just made sure we stayed in contact. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and he had previously lied about giving lifts to her which I found weird. I wish he would just tell me things and be up front instead of me finding out things and then they look way more suspicious than they are. She wasn't on this trip btw.
I trust that he loves me and sees a future, but yeah sadly I don't trust that he would turn someone down. Especially knowing he has had drunken kisses with female friends in his previous relationship. The thing is, we spend so much time together and with covid etc there hasn't really been much opportunity for separate nights out.
I know it is weird to count condoms etc but yeah it's because I feel like I can't trust him. And in this case, if I had never counted I would never have known. I feel like there's so much I'd never find out if I didn't become a detective in our relationship. This is definitely not the kind of relationship that I want. He has improved and now he tells me things a bit sooner instead of keeping from me. But it's still not perfect.

Reply 11

cuisson

Original post by ageshallnot

I'm not sure to be honest, I need to chat with him a bit more to find out where the condom comes into all of this. Unfortunately because it's a work trip we haven't had much opportunity to talk.
The gear could be used by a partner but I don't think it's something he would use on a one night stand. We have used related items before but if he wanted to use this specific item I would have hoped one day he would just use it.
So yeah basically I do believe this is a solo interest and it's not something I would have expected. In fact it has thrown me quite a bit and I can see why he was worried about revealing it to me. I just don't know if the condom is actually a part of that. And tbh I've told him everything about me, so it's a bit strange to find out something so big after all these years. So yeah definitely think he was planning on masturbating with the gear, but I don't know 100% if the condom is part of it. Because I know he prefers sex without a condom and posh w4nks are fairly talked about so it wouldn't be strange to tell me.

Reply 12

Funtimes01_

Taking a condom on a solo trip? Getting bad vibes from this just by reading it. Confront him, as this looks like for the life of me, that he's planning on cheating on you

Reply 13

cuisson

Original post by Funtimes01_

Taking a condom on a solo trip? Getting bad vibes from this just by reading it. Confront him, as this looks like for the life of me, that he's planning on cheating on you

Thanks yeah, I will talk to him more about it. It's rubbish, I'm meant to be wfh but it's all I can think about and I can't even talk to him about it yet because he's busy. I just can't work out his reaction. It wasn't his usual defensiveness but I can't seem to decide if his reaction was 'sh1t, I can't believe i've been found out, I'm a terrible boyfriend, I need to tell her how much I love her and wouldn't cheat on her' or if it was 'this looks so bad, she's never going to believe the truth, she needs to know I would never cheat on her' .
I've never seen him like that so I don't know how to take it. And to be honest I think it's the first time he's believed we might be over so I've never seen him so desperate. But I just don't know if it's because he got caught out and realised he's an idiot.

I also don't know how our relationship can improve. Apart from him being nicer to me maybe and trying to regain my trust. I think i'd rather we were fighting and him not carry a condom. Maybe these things can make you stronger as a couple but I can't stop thinking about it.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 14

uberteknik

Masturbating with a condom is utterly ridiculous.

The more detailed the alibi, the greater the indication he's not telling the truth. He fessed up some fantastical story because he was found out and not because he considered you first.

It may well be he has not cheated - yet. But clearly he"s thought about acting on the opportunity if one presented itself.

He has previous form.

Apologies mean nothing when he's simply executing damage limitation and saving he own skin by feigning love and remorse. He is playing on your sympathy and knowing you have invested so much of yourself in the relationship that you will give him another chance.

In my humble opinion and through experience, if you have reached the point of telling him you are done, then trust your instincts and don't look back.

If course he will try to dissuade you but that is, once again, protecting himself. He will not jump ship until has something else secured to go to. And when he does, he will not hesitate to drop you without a second glance.

You know what to do no matter how hard it will be. Good luck.

(edited 2 years ago)

Reply 15

miser

He was too naive to think his girlfriend wouldn't go snooping on him. Next time he'll buy them.

It's his job to make you feel secure in the relationship. If you feel too insecure you'll break up with him. That's a problem for him to solve (or not if he finds it too annoying). Either he'll realise you're feeling insecure and do something about it, or he won't and you'll eventually break up.

There's nothing in particular for you to do, so not much advice to give. For as long as you don't trust him you'll keep on snooping and confronting, and he'll give you answers you can't verify, until either he makes you feel secure enough to stop snooping or you feel insecure enough to break up.

Reply 16

cuisson

Original post by uberteknik

Masturbating with a condom is utterly rudiculous.

The more detailed the alibi, the greater the indication he's not telling the truth. He feared up some fantastical story because he was found out and not because he considered you first.

It may well be he has not cheated - yet. But clearly he"s thought about acting on the opportunity if one presented itself.

He has previous form.

Apologies mean nothing when he's simply executing damage limitation and saving he own skin by feigning love and remorse. He is playing on your sympathy and knowing you have invested so much of yourself in the relationship that you will give him another chance.

In my humble opinion and through experience, if you have reached the point of telling him you are done, then trust your instincts and don't look back.

If course he will try to dissuade you but that is, once again, protecting himself. He will not jump ship until has something else secured to go to. And when he does, he will not hesitate to drop you without a second glance.

You know what to do no matter how hard it will be. Good luck.

Thanks for your reply. To be honest the story is pretty bizarre. He was worried it'd give me the ick and I'm not gonna lie it has made me feel a bit strange. He did have the gear in his bag so I do believe the masturbation technique and that he was planning on it. But yes I'm not sure how the condom is involved because it doesn't make sense. I can't imagine after going through all of that effort to then put on a condom? When he clearly doesn't use one day to day or has any history of using one on special occasion. But I don't really know and have no idea what it's like for boys.

Yeah definitely. When I replay the conversation, I see someone guilty who is saying anything and everything to save themselves. It was more him apologising than explaining which makes it seem like there's something to apologise for. Yes he should apologise for how bad it looks, but the reaction was a bit strange. I'm just trying to think how I would react if I had to explain myself out of a bad mixup. And his reaction was unlike anything I've seen which does make it seem like he was caught out and had no other way of getting out of it.

Yep he definitely thinks I will give him another chance. Aside from what I've mentioned here, I do believe we both want to spend the rest of our lives together. Which is why I'm so annoyed at him for messing it up when we have both said we would not forgive cheating. I do agree he is protecting himself.

At this stage, I can only take his word for it. There is no more evidence to uncover really. I don't think I can handle breaking up right now but I also can't imagine being intimate with him. I also don't really know how to talk to him. He's been messaging me telling me he loves me and trying to make things normal but I just feel numb and I can't talk to him. However, if we don't talk then it will get swept under the rug.

Reply 17

cuisson

Sorry I can't PM on this account. But tbh I don't know enough about his routine to know if the condom is necessary for the cleanup. He said it was because of how it felt and the "control". It's something he does in complete privacy so I'd imagine he could lay a towel down or do it somewhere he can wipe clean. I'll have to ask more to find out. But yeah pretty much it's because of how it feels, not sure if it reminds him of sex? But he prefers sex without a condom anyway.

Reply 18

Callicious

They tend to make it cleaner to deal with, imo, to anyone wondering why you'd use one for a quick jobby.

That being said OP, I find this suspicious imo. You don't take one of them for a multiday trip for fun and mind you, he's cheated in the past. Being suspicious is only human and given what you've said I think it's healthy to be cautious.

Ultimately you've no way of knowing if he does it or not with another gal while on his trip. But a friends trip where he packs condoms? There's using them for convenience and them there's poor taste
And this is definitely the latter.