Juggling A-Levels and an ED?

TRIGGER WARNING: Eating Disorder

*Please don't read this if you think it may upset you, my intentions are not to influence anyone else's thoughts and feelings, just simply to express my own.*






If I'm honest I'm not really sure what I am asking or why I am even writing this. I have always struggled with confidence and the way in which I perceive myself. After not getting the grades I wanted this summer in my A-Levels I decided to resit one of them which means I have had plenty of time at home by myself outside of college. For the past couple of months, I have been losing a lot of weight by heavily restricting my food intake intentionally and engaging in scheduled binges ( which I know sounds weird). This isn't the first time that I have gone through this but this time it feels much more intense.

Whilst my family and friends have noticed that I have lost weight, none of them is aware of the extent to which I am restricting and the crippling guilt I experience after binging (mainly because I avoid eating around them so that they can't spot patterns in my behaviour).

I don't intend to stop anytime soon, and therefore I can't tell any of my family or friends what's really going on in case they try to stop me. But I can't help but feel like I sort of want them to notice and I want them to help, which I know sounds so ridiculous and childish since it's completely contradictory and selfish of me.

I have never been formally diagnosed and I don't exactly tick all of the boxes for anorexia or bulimia, for example:
- I'm not underweight
- I don't have strict rituals around eating (like having a special cup etc)
- I rarely purge (only when I am really panicking)
- I don't cut my food into small pieces
- I don't wear baggy clothes to hide my body
- My binges aren't that big compared to what I have seen others describe as a binge
- And physically I am fine except for the odd headache

One of the things that prompted me to write this was the fact that yesterday (on one of the rare occasions that I purged) I took 4 times the recommended dosage of laxatives to purge something I'd eaten because I felt so ashamed. After realising what I had done I panicked and tried to throw as many of them up as possible but I didn't get them all as it's made me feel ill.

I know what I am doing is technically dangerous but for the most part, I just don't care, I hate the way I look. I can't bring myself to come to terms with how dangerous this is else it will put me off and so I almost try to normalise it and I guess gaslight myself and tell myself I'm fine.

As I said, I don't know what I was trying to achieve with this post (It certainly wasn't to trigger anyone or stir up any competitive feelings hence why I put a trigger warning - I don't condone pro anna content and never will). Being able to vent anonymously makes me feel a bit better (even if nobody responds to this). I think it would just be nice to know that I am not alone and my feelings are valid. I think the one thing that scares me more than seeing the way that I look at the minute is the thought of someone invalidating my struggle and making me sound like I want attention (this is another reason why I have found this anonymous vent slightly helpful and refuse to talk to my family and friends).

If you made it this far, thank you for listening to me. It really does mean a lot. Even though I've not technically asked anything of you.

I think it’s best you go to your GP ASAP and be referred to a ED clinic. I was like you, until I became dangerously underweight and was hospitalised. It is not worth any second of being thin. You will not be better, you will get worse. You might die. Your memory will deteriorate, as well as everything else. I was left with stomach issues. The only way I can help is through fear because it honestly is incredibly dangerous.

Thanks for the TW, but it would be better if you put the text into a spoiler. Can you edit your post? Thanks

I don't think anons can edit their posts or delete them for that matter.

Oh, of course. You'd think I'd know that by now

@CoolCavy - could you edit this, or are you happy with it not in a spoiler? Thanks Cavster!!

❤️❤️ I hope things get better for you. Your struggle is real, don’t let anyone invalidate you. Is there anyone you can talk/vent to irl? It might help to speak to your gp for example, but if not hopefully just venting on here will help you feel a little bit better. But yeah, I’d definitely recommend talking to a professional as these things can spiral out of control quite quickly and unexpectedly and it’s not worth the consequences.

Thanks for the TW, but it would be better if you put the text into a spoiler. Can you edit your post? Thanks

Yeah of course, how do I do that?
I'm really sorry for not making it very clear, I'm new to TSR so I'm still learning how to navigate things

Well done for sharing OP, that must have been really difficult for you to try to make sense of your concerns on a public forum. It’s good that you acknowledge that you’re concerned about your behaviour, as that step can be a huge barrier to overcome when on the journey to ED recovery. Even though you’ve said that you don’t care, posting on here about it clearly sends the message that you want to change or understand what’s going on. You can’t fully tackle this by yourself, and as others have said it will be best if you can track down some support. You could start with parents, friends, school nurse, trusted teachers or go straight to your GP - you’re not a burden, they will do their best to help you, even if you don’t think you fall on the ED ‘spectrum’. If you’re worried about your parents finding out, make sure you talk about this concern with your GP to understand what your confidentiality rights involve.

There will also be a number of charities that can help. Mind.co.uk deal with mental health concerns, and the NHS has more info about helpful organisations here: https://www.nhs.uk/mental-health/feelings-symptoms-behaviours/behaviours/eating-disorders/overview/

You’re not alone, you’re not the only one suffering, and the sooner you tackle it by letting someone else in the stronger you will be to take control.

Anorexia isn’t the ‘best’ or the worst eating disorder depending on your perspective. On some levels it doesn’t matter that you don’t fit neatly into a diagnostic box, although I appreciate it might not feel like that.
It’s up to you to recover, therapy might help with what ever is underlying this, people don’t do these things to themselves for no reason, the ball is in your court. If you push this far you’ll either end up dead, with severe long term side effects or being forced to put on weight.
Your hurting probably for a reason that’s got nothing to do with weight, there’s nothing wrong with wanting someone to notice or someone to help.

Hey there,

I'm sorry that you're struggling. Regardless of whether or not you have a diagnosis, struggling with a condition that is inherently isolating can be extremely detrimental to anyone over time. As others have suggested, it really is important that you get yourself referred to an ED clinic and get help.

I was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 13 and I'm 23 this year, and I recently sat for (hopefully) my final A-level retake. Although my ed has more to do with childhood trauma than body image, it definitely goes hand in hand with my maladaptive perfectionism, perpetuating a destructive cycle of 'failure'/relapse fueled by the academic expectations I have for myself. After 10 years of being in and out of hospitals and rehab, missing school, and losing friends who grew busy actually living—I can tell you that the validation/sympathy I initially received would diminish fairly quickly once my family and friends got sick of my antics. I'd subconsciously retaliate by getting worse; at the same time, I remained stubbornly ill even when I received love and support. Eating disorders are ruthless, contradictory and cruel that way.

That being said, you are not alone. Wherever you are, I'm sending you love and I feel for you. X

I think it’s best you go to your GP ASAP and be referred to a ED clinic. I was like you, until I became dangerously underweight and was hospitalised. It is not worth any second of being thin. You will not be better, you will get worse. You might die. Your memory will deteriorate, as well as everything else. I was left with stomach issues. The only way I can help is through fear because it honestly is incredibly dangerous.

That's OK - no problem A member of the Volunteer Team has done it now, so that's fine.