boyfriend has feelings for someone else

Watch
Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
My boyfriend (of two years) told me last night he had feelings for this girl on his course.

I appreciate his honesty, and I don't think for one second that he'll cheat on me with her simply because I’ve always trusted him and he doesn’t want to hurt me. But I can't help but be constantly miserable and paranoid about it.

For some context, we have been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of time we’ve been together. He admitted recently he’s been struggling not having someone physically there. I agree it’s challenging, but there is only one and a bit year until I come back home.

He and this girl are on the same course and also work together. I know they get on so well, hence I can't help but compare myself to her.

From what I know, she is single and it’s likely she fancies my boyfriend, because a lot of his female friends in the past have. I don't know what to do.
0
reply
Anonymous #2
#2
Report 1 month ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend (of two years) told me last night he had feelings for this girl on his course.

I appreciate his honesty, and I don't think for one second that he'll cheat on me with her simply because I’ve always trusted him and he doesn’t want to hurt me. But I can't help but be constantly miserable and paranoid about it.

For some context, we have been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of time we’ve been together. He admitted recently he’s been struggling not having someone physically there. I agree it’s challenging, but there is only one and a bit year until I come back home.

He and this girl are on the same course and also work together. I know they get on so well, hence I can't help but compare myself to her.

From what I know, she is single and it’s likely she fancies my boyfriend, because a lot of his female friends in the past have. I don't know what to do.
I think you should have a talk with him and explain to him how you feel
0
reply
1582
Badges: 22
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#3
Report 1 month ago
#3
It's normal to develop feelings for other people. How he responds to these feelings is the important part. So what is he doing about it?

To relate a bit, I fall for people very easily. My girlfriend knows this. When I'm aware I'm attracted to someone else I avoid letting myself get too close to them (e.g. I won't be messaging them out of the blue or making plans to hang out one-on-one) until those feelings pass.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I think you should have a talk with him and explain to him how you feel
Thank you for the reply. I’m going to speak to him tonight and see how it goes…
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by 1582)
It's normal to develop feelings for other people. How he responds to these feelings is the important part. So what is he doing about it?

To relate a bit, I fall for people very easily. My girlfriend knows this. When I'm aware I'm attracted to someone else I avoid letting myself get too close to them (e.g. I won't be messaging them out of the blue or making plans to hang out one-on-one) until those feelings pass.
Thank you so much for the reply and advice, it really helps to hear from someone else in a similar position to him.

All he’s said at the moment is he doesn’t know what to do. It seems he’s as confused and upset as me. I’m just hoping he’s alike you and he loves me enough to stop getting too close with her.

Don’t have to answer, but do you know how your girlfriend copes with it? Thanks.
0
reply
Anonymous #3
#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
My boyfriend (of two years) told me last night he had feelings for this girl on his course.

I appreciate his honesty, and I don't think for one second that he'll cheat on me with her simply because I’ve always trusted him and he doesn’t want to hurt me. But I can't help but be constantly miserable and paranoid about it.

For some context, we have been in a long-distance relationship for the majority of time we’ve been together. He admitted recently he’s been struggling not having someone physically there. I agree it’s challenging, but there is only one and a bit year until I come back home.

He and this girl are on the same course and also work together. I know they get on so well, hence I can't help but compare myself to her.

From what I know, she is single and it’s likely she fancies my boyfriend, because a lot of his female friends in the past have. I don't know what to do.
Well it is possible for him to have feeling for someone else and it is good that he told it to you instead of cheating behind your back. It is not your mistake that he has feelings for someone else it's just that you guys are not physically present with each other which is difficult. It is neither your fault nor his.

Try talking to him about your feelings maybe you guys need to communicate. Try to know if he wants to continue the relationship but if it still doesn't work out maybe he's not the one for you.
0
reply
1582
Badges: 22
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#7
Report 1 month ago
#7
(Original post by Anonymous)
Don’t have to answer, but do you know how your girlfriend copes with it? Thanks.
I showed her your post. She said she just trusts me and that it isn't really on her mind.
Last edited by 1582; 1 month ago
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
Well it is possible for him to have feeling for someone else and it is good that he told it to you instead of cheating behind your back. It is not your mistake that he has feelings for someone else it's just that you guys are not physically present with each other which is difficult. It is neither your fault nor his.

Try talking to him about your feelings maybe you guys need to communicate. Try to know if he wants to continue the relationship but if it still doesn't work out maybe he's not the one for you.
Thankyou for your reply. Communication has always been a hard thing for us, so you’re right, him being open with me shows it could be a lot worse. And I agree I need to try and work out if he wants to continue the relationship.

Without going into detail, he is struggling with things and I understand he definitely needs someone there for support, but I’m just praying we can fight to stay together, it’s not long now.
0
reply
Surnia
Badges: 19
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#9
Report 1 month ago
#9
He's already cheating on you, emotionally.

He agreed to be in an LDR with you; he can't just go liking someone else because he finds your situation difficult. What's he going to do next time things are tough, like if/when you have decisions to make on careers, living together, finances?

And this is speaking as someone who has been in an LDR for years, given my boyfriend's and my respective careers and often limited means of communication (being in the military, with separate tours and deployments).

Talk to him, but don't be negative about yourself in the conversation or see this as you not comparing favourably to this girl. This is not on you; he's looking for an easier life and it's him that needs to do the soul-searching. All the best, whatever happens :heart:
3
reply
Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#10
(Original post by Surnia)
He's already cheating on you, emotionally.

He agreed to be in an LDR with you; he can't just go liking someone else because he finds your situation difficult. What's he going to do next time things are tough, like if/when you have decisions to make on careers, living together, finances?

And this is speaking as someone who has been in an LDR for years, given my boyfriend's and my respective careers and often limited means of communication (being in the military, with separate tours and deployments).

Talk to him, but don't be negative about yourself in the conversation or see this as you not comparing favourably to this girl. This is not on you; he's looking for an easier life and it's him that needs to do the soul-searching. All the best, whatever happens :heart:
Thanks so much for the advice, you’re very kind.

I too am worried about the next time things get tough because we already know we’ll have very different career paths.

Thing is, one of the things I love about him is we’ve always had dreams and plans about the future together, so why the struggle now?

Just praying it is a bad phase for him and that, in the meantime, I can stop comparing myself…I’m talking with him soon. All the best too :heart:
0
reply
Anonymous #4
#11
Report 1 month ago
#11
I don't think it is normal to 'develop' feelings for someone else in a relationship - that is emotionally cheating. Finding other people attractive might be human nature, but developing feelings goes way beyond that. I also don't understand why you would want to continue dating someone who wants someone else - I'm not diagnosing you but it might be a self-esteem issue; you do deserve someone loyal.

I think it's best to evaluate whether this relationship is worth pursuing. You guys are still young, and if he is already developing feelings like this during a LDR, your feelings for eachother might just not be as strong. It might be easier and better for the both of you to end it instead of dragging it on.
0
reply
828582686989
Badges: 15
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#12
Report 1 month ago
#12
Unlucky, ask him if he's thinking of pursuing her. You'll get your answer (he seems honest).
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#13
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't think it is normal to 'develop' feelings for someone else in a relationship - that is emotionally cheating. Finding other people attractive might be human nature, but developing feelings goes way beyond that. I also don't understand why you would want to continue dating someone who wants someone else - I'm not diagnosing you but it might be a self-esteem issue; you do deserve someone loyal.

I think it's best to evaluate whether this relationship is worth pursuing. You guys are still young, and if he is already developing feelings like this during a LDR, your feelings for eachother might just not be as strong. It might be easier and better for the both of you to end it instead of dragging it on.
I feel like that’s exactly what my mates would say if I told them about it. But what they don’t realise is our relationship is actually good, this is just an unfortunate (and shocking) add-on.

I understand I seem like I’m just following him around like a sheep, but breaking something off (that is actually good!) so suddenly just isn’t possible.

But you are right about my self-esteem. It’s always been low, and right from the start I’ve felt insecure about myself. That is something I need to work on independently though.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#14
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#14
(Original post by HotIronOnEar)
Unlucky, ask him if he's thinking of pursuing her. You'll get your answer (he seems honest).
I will ask him that. It’s nerve wracking though because, I almost don’t want to hear it if he does wish to pursue her…
0
reply
Anonymous #4
#15
Report 1 month ago
#15
(Original post by Anonymous)
I feel like that’s exactly what my mates would say if I told them about it. But what they don’t realise is our relationship is actually good, this is just an unfortunate (and shocking) add-on.

I understand I seem like I’m just following him around like a sheep, but breaking something off (that is actually good!) so suddenly just isn’t possible.

But you are right about my self-esteem. It’s always been low, and right from the start I’ve felt insecure about myself. That is something I need to work on independently though.
There is a reason why they would say that - because developing feelings for someone else whilst being in a relationship is really not okay. The relationship might be 'good', but he's still developing feelings for others. Imagine if you guys actually get into rough patches - can you trust him to be loyal? It's not a simple 'add-on', it's enough to be a deal-maker not to be tolerated. It makes me question just how 'good' the relationship really is.

Some people naturally struggle to stay loyal or emotionally monogamous. He might be a good person, but I personally wouldn't risk investing more time on someone like this. However, if you insist on being okay with this then that's your decision. I do hope thinks work out for you guys.
0
reply
Anonymous #5
#16
Report 1 month ago
#16
does he have feelings for her in a way that he is attracted to her looks or her personality??

i feel like if it is looks, he'll get over it. but getting over personality is a lot harder
0
reply
828582686989
Badges: 15
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#17
Report 1 month ago
#17
(Original post by Anonymous)
I will ask him that. It’s nerve wracking though because, I almost don’t want to hear it if he does wish to pursue her…
It might help a bit if you ask him to give you a one-worded, yes or no answer.
0
reply
Anonymous #1
#18
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
does he have feelings for her in a way that he is attracted to her looks or her personality??

i feel like if it is looks, he'll get over it. but getting over personality is a lot harder
I asked, and he says it’s attractiveness in terms of looks, but also the attention he gets. Even though the ‘attention’ part upsets me, I think there’s hope that he’ll get over it once I return home and we don’t have a LDR anymore.

Thanks for your reply
0
reply
Briefprofile
Badges: 11
Rep:
? You'll earn badges for being active around the site. Rep gems come when your posts are rated by other community members.
#19
Report 1 month ago
#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
I asked, and he says it’s attractiveness in terms of looks, but also the attention he gets. Even though the ‘attention’ part upsets me, I think there’s hope that he’ll get over it once I return home and we don’t have a LDR anymore.

Thanks for your reply
You deserve more than this. Imagine the situation were reversed? This is not okay. Not at all. The fact that he told you also seems a bit off...?!

Why would he tell you something like that when he knows you can't do anything about it. Kinda like dangling an apple in your face out of your reach. It's a bit cruel.

I'm in agreement with the ones saying this is emotional cheating. It's up to you to decide if you are calling the whole thing off. Attention from third parties is a bad mix in LDRs.

I feel like if you agree to this, he will go ahead and deepen this whole 'attention' thing. Only to turn around and say, you said you were fine with it. Don't agree to things you haven't seen for yourself.
0
reply
X

Quick Reply

Attached files
Write a reply...
Reply
new posts
Back
to top
Latest
My Feed

See more of what you like on
The Student Room

You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

Personalise

When did you submit your Ucas application if you applied to go to university this year?

September 2021 (38)
6.52%
October 2021 (261)
44.77%
November 2021 (70)
12.01%
December 2021 (74)
12.69%
January 2021 (75)
12.86%
I still haven't submitted it yet! (46)
7.89%
Something else (19)
3.26%

Watched Threads

View All