He paid on the first date, but I don't want to see him again, I feel guilty

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
I was on the toilet, while he paid for me, so I wasn't able to do anything about that. I don't want to look like a someone, who only used him for a free dinner and then never talk to him again.
What should I do?
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Adz2042
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#2
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#2
why don't you want to see him again?

did you enjoy his company during the date?
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1582
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#3
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#3
Don't feel that him paying means you are obligated to go on a second date with him. If for any reason you didn't have a good time or it didnt feel right it's fine to not go on another.
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Reality Check
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#4
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I was on the toilet, while he paid for me, so I wasn't able to do anything about that. I don't want to look like a someone, who only used him for a free dinner and then never talk to him again.
What should I do?
'on the toilet'. Lovely image there.

It would be gracious to contact him in person or on the telephone (i.e. not online somehow) to tell him how much you enjoyed the dinner and his company, thank him for taking you out but say that you didn't feel a romantic connexion and didn't want to lead him on. Telling him straight, but with grace, kindness and a lightness of touch so as not to make him feel crushed or hurt his feelings in any way. Yes, it can be done. That would be the grown-up thing to do.
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oci9
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#5
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(Original post by Reality Check)
'on the toilet'. Lovely image there.

It would be gracious to contact him in person or on the telephone (i.e. not online somehow) to tell him how much you enjoyed the dinner and his company, thank him for taking you out but say that you didn't feel a romantic connexion and didn't want to lead him on. Telling him straight, but with grace, kindness and a lightness of touch so as not to make him feel crushed or hurt his feelings in any way. Yes, it can be done. That would be the grown-up thing to do.
Is this past experience for you, when you give the other person a reality check on your first dates
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londonmyst
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#6
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#6
Always trust your gut instinct.
You are not obligated to go on a date with anyone or accept a social invite from that you do not want to see.

Do you usually believe in asker pays or some type of split the bill arrangement?
Are you willing to meetup with the guy for coffee or send him a christmas gift to say thanks?
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Reality Check
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#7
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(Original post by oci9)
Is this past experience for you, when you give the other person a reality check on your first dates
hahaha

I just think it's really important to maintain impeccable politeness when dating - and that includes when you have a date which you know isn't going to lead anywhere. It really is no bother to contact the other person and explain that whilst the date was lovely, and they were lovely, you just didn't feel the spark, and it makes all the difference to that person's self-esteem and, most importantly, how they will feel about things when they go on their next date.

It costs nothing to be kind, sometimes
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TFEU
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#8
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#8
Why feel guilty? The obligation to see him does not arise just because he paid for your meal, especially when he did it without your knowledge.

Thank him for the meal, but make it clear that you don’t see it going anywhere and would not like to waste his time. Be respectful but don’t be wishy-washy about it. This can be done via text
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Reality Check
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#9
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(Original post by TFEU)
This can be done via text
DHL tells you when you can expect your parcel to be delivered 'via text'.
EDF tells me when it's time to submit an electricity meter reading 'via text'.
An oaf tells a lady he's taken out on a date that he doesn't want to see her again 'via text'.
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oci9
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Reality Check)
DHL tells you when you can expect your parcel to be delivered 'via text'.
EDF tells me when it's time to submit an electricity meter reading 'via text'.
An oaf tells a lady he's taken out on a date that he doesn't want to see her again 'via text'.
You're so hilarious , I love it 😂😂😂😂😂
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gjd800
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Reality Check)
DHL tells you when you can expect your parcel to be delivered 'via text'.
EDF tells me when it's time to submit an electricity meter reading 'via text'.
An oaf tells a lady he's taken out on a date that he doesn't want to see her again 'via text'.
I quite agree.
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TFEU
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Reality Check)
DHL tells you when you can expect your parcel to be delivered 'via text'.
EDF tells me when it's time to submit an electricity meter reading 'via text'.
An oaf tells a lady he's taken out on a date that he doesn't want to see her again 'via text'.
Not sure about the point you are making here. Does the fact that you receive texts for more trivial matters somehow undermine this method of communication?

Based on personal experience, text messages are more than sufficient. I would be perfectly content with a concise and respectful message, especially after only one date. People often initiate dates via messages/texts, and many often end them the same way.
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Reality Check
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(Original post by TFEU)
Not sure about the point you are making here. Does the fact that you receive texts for more trivial matters somehow undermine this method of communication?
The point is that text messages are ubiquitous, impersonal, often annoying and not remotely ideal for communicating messages about matters of the heart. You wouldn't formally reply to a wedding invitation via text, neither would you reply to an invitation to a dinner party - both of these are matters where the person has shown some deep interest in you personally. So why you would tell someone that you no longer wanted to continue to develop a personal relationship with them via text? It's crass and tasteless, and puts me in mind of the (apocryphal) story of Phil Collins divorcing his wife via a fax message - not in terms of extent or seriousness, but in terms of approach and mindset.

Based on personal experience, text messages are more than sufficient. I would be perfectly content with a concise and respectful message, especially after only one date. People often initiate dates via messages/texts, and many often end them the same way.
Indeed - if you're happy with SMS brush-offs, then that's fine for you. It's not for others, who would find it impersonal, thoughtless and not showing enough care or attention to someone's feelings. It's just good form to actually go to the bother to speak to someone when communication news like this. I understand that life has got more informal, and the old ways of doing things are sometimes seen as not necessary but sometimes the old ways reap dividends. As I said before, it really is a trifle to go to that extra effort to think about others and their feelings before yourself.
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TFEU
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Reality Check)
The point is that text messages are ubiquitous, impersonal, often annoying and not remotely ideal for communicating messages about matters of the heart. You wouldn't formally reply to a wedding invitation via text, neither would you reply to an invitation to a dinner party - both of these are matters where the person has shown some deep interest in you personally. So why you would tell someone that you no longer wanted to continue to develop a personal relationship with them via text? It's crass and tasteless, and puts me in mind of the (apocryphal) story of Phil Collins divorcing his wife via a fax message - not in terms of extent or seriousness, but in terms of approach and mindset.



Indeed - if you're happy with SMS brush-offs, then that's fine for you. It's not for others, who would find it impersonal, thoughtless and not showing enough care or attention to someone's feelings. It's just good form to actually go to the bother to speak to someone when communication news like this. I understand that life has got more informal, and the old ways of doing things are sometimes seen as not necessary but sometimes the old ways reap dividends. As I said before, it really is a trifle to go to that extra effort to think about others and their feelings before yourself.
Well for me and my social circle, texts/general e-messaging are not ubiquitous, impersonal, and unfit for "communicating messages about matters of the heart". We often share some of the most personal issues via texts - paragraphs of texts. I also do know people who happen to RSVP for dinner parties/formal events via Whatsapp. As preposterous as that might sound, it is fairly common amongst people in their late-teens and early 20s.

We just have different ideas surrounding wht each method of communication is appropriate for, and I don't think it's fair to say which one of us is correct. I am not encouraging her to be impolite, but the issue is that many people simply don't perceive SMS as brush-off in any way or form, nor does it denote a lack of care. In fact, I would be incredibly uncomfortable or annoyed if someone wanted to call or meet in person just to tell me they are not interested. For me, calling is mostly reserved for instances where someone requires my attention immediately.

We don't know what the guy prefers, and OP is free to do what makes her comfortable (although I would actively discourage her to meet them in person, for her own safety). I am simply informing the OP that texting can also be appropriate. It certainly does not always mean they did not take the "extra effort to think about others", as people have different ideas about what constitutes 'extra effort'
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