HeadBoy Application

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Zayyan_9283
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#1
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#1
Hello everyone,

My sixth form is running Head Boy/Girl Applications for year 12 students. I have my final draft for my written application but I was wondering if anyone can give me some constructive criticism to it. I would greatly appreciate it and thank you in advance.

PS - I chose to remove some bits, like my school name or my local area for privacy reasons I replaced it with ----------


The role of a Head Boy is without doubt one of significant importance, playing a vital role in the school’s community. Becoming part of the student leadership team, does not highlight an individual of greater importance than the rest of the Sixth form, but an individual with the ability to inspire those around you, the drive to make a positive impact on student welfare and shows confidence in being a major representative for the school.

During my first term in sixth form, I did my best to support our school. Earlier this academic year I helped on year 6 open evening which involved giving tours to parents around the school and explaining to parents the ethos of our school. I have also supported lower school students through the literacy prefect programme, this enables them to further improve their reading, recently 3 students were taken out of this measure from my group as they have improved significantly. I believe I have shown a genuine passion for supporting our school this term and I would like to continue to this at an even higher level.

Outside of sixth form, I have taken part in numerous programs. For instance, I took part in NCS; part of the programme was to create a social action project, which I was the leading manager, our goal was to reduce sanitary deprivation in --------. To minimise this, we created multiple initiatives such as, working with the local council to set up a stand in Redbridge library and handing out sanitary products to raise awareness. We worked with charities like the Trussell Trust and Salvation Army, which we raised £133 for by fundraising, and we created a social media campaign which had engaged 500 people. This led to our group winning the whole competition, clearly demonstrating my leadership, organisational and my passion for helping and inspiring others.

Being Head Boy would mean I could go the "extra mile" for others; something I intend to do in the role would be to set up a drop in advice ‘clinic’ for younger students who feel they could not approach a member of staff; I hope to offer guidance and support, as I strongly believe that a problem shared is a problem halved.

Throughout my time in the lower School, I have contributed towards various projects in the ----- community and the wider outreach of the school. For example, I took part in an exhibition at Valentines mansion which commemorated Holocaust Memorial Day - the theme of the exhibition was “The Power of Words.” My submission was of a poem which highlighted the atrocities of the holocaust. Being a part of the student parliament and allocated with the role of Education Minster; this allowed me to bring much needed reforms to Valentines. One of my key points was reiterating the importance of the rising anxiety and overall wellbeing of students since remote learning began. Student Parliament has also allowed me to set up various awareness programs such as Black history month, make a difference to a child, Women’s history week, Go green week, and World refugee week

From my time at ----- High School and wider outreach of the school, it has allowed me to further enhance my transferrable skills such as critical thinking, analytical and investigation skills. Being heavily involved within the ------ community highlights strong communication and team working attributes that will allow me to thrive in an assiduous environment. From this I can deduce that I would be able to work with students, teachers and leaders of ------ and create new initiatives that benefit all and build on the school’s fundamental motto “In harmony, Achieving Excellence’’

Edit - I didn't get the role ;/
Last edited by Zayyan_9283; 4 months ago
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Cote1
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#2
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#2
Hi

Is it a speech? Or written application?

Where you mention ethos of the school I would say what the ethos is.
Last edited by Cote1; 4 months ago
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Zayyan_9283
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#3
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#3
(Original post by Cote1)
Hi

Is it a speech? Or written application?

Where you mention ethos of the school I would say what the ethos is.
Hi,
Its an written application, will definitely ensure that I talk about the ethos of the school
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Cote1
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#4
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#4
It reads very well indeed.

Possible suggested tweak:

Becoming part of the student leadership team does not mean that you are an individual...

End of that paragraph..
...and the confidence to represent the school.

Also:
helped at the year 6 open evening

...prefect programme, which enables them to further improve their reading, and recently.......they had improved significantly.

Just suggestions. Feel free to ignore 🙂

..continue this. not 'to' ?

I have also been involved in a number of charities. For example, I participated in the National Citizen Service as the leading manager of my team, to create a social action project with the goal of reducing sanitary deprivation in...

leadership and organisational skills..

..lower school..

......Memorial Day. The theme of the exhibition was 'The Power Of Words' and my submission was a poem....

and allocated the role of Education Minister allowed me to...

Maybe be consistent with capitals with student parliament?

set up various awareness programnes...

My time at. .......the wider outreach of the school has allowed me to..

community has helped me to develop strong communication and teamwork skills that will help me to thrive in a leadership role and enable me to work with students, teachers and leaders of..., creating new initiatives that benefit everyone, inspired by our school's motto: 'In harmony .....'

You could check the capitals in the motto.
Last edited by Cote1; 4 months ago
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Cote1
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#5
Report 4 months ago
#5
Remote learning anxiety...did you come up with any ideas to relieve the anxiety or solutions to deal with it...as well as highlighting it.

Last few lines of fifth paragraph ...check capitals?
Say why the awareness programmes are important?

you could take out 'awareness' and use it instead to explain why the programmes were important...so a final sentence to that paragraph like....
I felt that these were important because they raised awareness.


I would move the extra mile paragraph up to the bit about helping students read.

Student parliament is such relevant experience. I would be tempted to give it even more emphasis as leadership experience for the Head Boy role. Lots will have done NCS but the parliament thing can be presented as very useful and relevant experience.

You could also mention your written communication skills in terms of representing the school.

Btw the advice clinic is a great idea!

You write well, it reads very well and you have great experience. Good luck!
Last edited by Cote1; 4 months ago
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Zayyan_9283
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#6
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#6
(Original post by Cote1)
It reads very well indeed.

Possible suggested tweak:

Becoming part of the student leadership team does not mean that you are an individual...

End of that paragraph..
...and the confidence to represent the school.

Also:
helped at the year 6 open evening

...prefect programme, which enables them to further improve their reading, and recently.......they had improved significantly.

Just suggestions. Feel free to ignore 🙂

..continue this. not 'to' ?

I have also been involved in a number of charities. For example, I participated in the National Citizen Service as the leading manager of my team, to create a social action project with the goal of reducing sanitary deprivation in...

leadership and organisational skills..

..lower school..

......Memorial Day. The theme of the exhibition was 'The Power Of Words' and my submission was a poem....

and allocated the role of Education Minister allowed me to...

Maybe be consistent with capitals with student parliament?

set up various awareness programnes...

My time at. .......the wider outreach of the school has allowed me to..

community has helped me to develop strong communication and teamwork skills that will help me to thrive in a leadership role and enable me to work with students, teachers and leaders of..., creating new initiatives that benefit everyone, inspired by our school's motto: 'In harmony .....'

You could check the capitals in the motto.
Thank you for this again really do appreciate it, I have implemented all of your suggestions and tweaks aside from the capitals in the motto, my school is weird and prefers to have capitals on all the words aside from harmony.
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Cote1
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#7
Report 4 months ago
#7
(Original post by Zayyan_9283)
Thank you for this again really do appreciate it, I have implemented all of your suggestions and tweaks aside from the capitals in the motto, my school is weird and prefers to have capitals on all the words aside from harmony.
Good luck.
It reads really well!
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Zayyan_9283
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#8
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#8
(Original post by Cote1)
Remote learning anxiety...did you come up with any ideas to relieve the anxiety or solutions to deal with it...as well as highlighting it.

Last few lines of fifth paragraph ...check capitals?
Say why the awareness programmes are important?

you could take out 'awareness' and use it instead to explain why the programmes were important...so a final sentence to that paragraph like....
I felt that these were important because they raised awareness.


I would move the extra mile paragraph up to the bit about helping students read.

Student parliament is such relevant experience. I would be tempted to give it even more emphasis as leadership experience for the Head Boy role. Lots will have done NCS but the parliament thing can be presented as very useful and relevant experience.

You could also mention your written communication skills in terms of representing the school.

Btw the advice clinic is a great idea!

You write well, it reads very well and you have great experience. Good luck!
I moved the extra mile paragraph to your suggested location which I think suits it much better

For the student parliament (SP) experience, originally on my earlier drafts I talked about the initiatives which I put forward then the school enacting on them and then concluding the paragraph talking about the invaluable experience it brought me. However, I got 2 of my teachers to read over my application and they both said to cut it completely as firstly I was over the word limit it could only be 1 A4 side document on word - I was over by half an page. Secondly, that the experience that I've gained from SP I was repeating that on the next paragraph. This was the lines originally though

Although my teachers said that I could bring up the initiatives/ideas during the interview process.
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Cote1
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#9
Report 4 months ago
#9
(Original post by Zayyan_9283)
I moved the extra mile paragraph to your suggested location which I think suits it much better

For the student parliament (SP) experience, originally on my earlier drafts I talked about the initiatives which I put forward then the school enacting on them and then concluding the paragraph talking about the invaluable experience it brought me. However, I got 2 of my teachers to read over my application and they both said to cut it completely as firstly I was over the word limit it could only be 1 A4 side document on word - I was over by half an page. Secondly, that the experience that I've gained from SP I was repeating that on the next paragraph. This was the lines originally though

Although my teachers said that I could bring up the initiatives/ideas during the interview process.
Fair enough. Makes sense
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