I don't want to talk about this with anyone in real life

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LJ234
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#1
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#1
It's a cliché and I never thought I'd be in this situation, but I'm in Year 13 and obviously have A-Levels in about 5 months. After that, I want to go to Cardiff University, and my boyfriend, who I've been with for just under a year, wants to go to Sheffield. We would never change our pathways just to be close to each other, but I'm beginning to get anxious that we won't last the 200-mile-long-distance relationship. I'm already anxious that I'll miss my family and friends a lot, let alone him. We're pretty much a perfect couple thus far- haven't had any fights or arguments, love each other a lot, and try to see each other as often as possible yet not all the time. Does anyone have any tips on not being so paranoid about us breaking up? I've never had a relationship before, especially not a long-distance one, and don't want to speak to anyone in real life about it because they'll probably just say stop being stupid or something, also I'm not a big fan of discussing relationship matters in the first place. I know that a lot of 'childhood' relationships don't last, and a lot of long-distance relationships don't last, so that means the odds are pretty against us but I think we're pretty strong so could make it, but that doesn't stop the paranoia :/ I don't think he has any concerns like this at all, he only sees a future with me, and I can't tell if that's just naïvety or he genuinely believes it (either is fine, of course I want us to last forever, but obviously there's something niggling at the back of my mind) and I want to be able to think the same way he does. Thanks for reading
Last edited by LJ234; 4 months ago
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hamlethoratio
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#2
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#2
(Original post by LJ234)
It's a cliché and I never thought I'd be in this situation, but I'm in Year 13 and obviously have A-Levels in about 5 months. After that, I want to go to Cardiff University, and my boyfriend, who I've been with for just under a year, wants to go to Sheffield. We would never change our pathways just to be close to each other, but I'm beginning to get anxious that we won't last the 200-mile-long-distance relationship. I'm already anxious that I'll miss my family and friends a lot, let alone him. We're pretty much a perfect couple thus far- haven't had any fights or arguments, love each other a lot, and try to see each other as often as possible yet not all the time. Does anyone have any tips on not being so paranoid about us breaking up? I've never had a relationship before, especially not a long-distance one, and don't want to speak to anyone in real life about it because they'll probably just say stop being stupid or something, also I'm not a big fan of discussing relationship matters in the first place. I know that a lot of 'childhood' relationships don't last, and a lot of long-distance relationships don't last, so that means the odds are pretty against us but I think we're pretty strong so could make it, but that doesn't stop the paranoia :/ I don't think he has any concerns like this at all, he only sees a future with me, and I can't tell if that's just naïvety or he genuinely believes it (either is fine, of course I want us to last forever, but obviously there's something niggling at the back of my mind) and I want to be able to think the same way he does. Thanks for reading
That is such a tricky situation! I mean first of all, I would express your concerns to your boyfriend and make sure that you’re both willing to put in the work for a long-distance relationship. You will need to make the effort to message, video chat and meet up regularly (think of where the halfway point would be between you possibly?) The odds are against you, admittedly, but if you truly do love each other then it won’t necessarily be an issue and I think the reason most long-distance relationships fail is because the couple don’t make enough effort to make it work! But do you have a post-uni plan? Because if you two are never going to be near each other and have no future being in the same area, can you really have a meaningful relationship?

The other thing is that I guess you could meet other people at uni that you feel attracted to and when your bf isn’t there physically or vice versa it might be more tempting to be with someone else. Saying that I wouldn’t give up as so many long-distance relationships fail before they even begin as people don’t give it a go and well it might, just might, work for you!! And I hope it does as you sound like you genuinely care I don’t know how you can stop the paranoia but I would say to try and enjoy your time together now when you CAN see each other in person.
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Muttly
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#3
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#3
A year is quite a long time get to know someone but it can be a limited fragile relationship if you are not absolutely comfortable with each other and have still to appreciate each others foibles.

You both have to go out there and take the risk - do the very things you both want to do - get fully immersed in Uni life and then see where life takes you. If you don't you could end up feeling resentful that you have not enjoyed Uni life because you were 'tied' to an ethereal external distractor. It would be stupid to think otherwise that you wouldn't consider straying with other new friends along the way. The demands of Uni life just to get to know new friends are huge. That can put a lot of pressure on both of you, but ideally you both need that agreement to be free to explore life to the max? If you can still do that and at the end of 3 yrs, 4 yrs, 5 yrs still be devoted to each other then you may decide to be there for each other for life?

The opportunities to try new things are wonderful and you may find yourself experiencing resentment if you have already agreed to meet up and stick with your old relationship, particularly when the boat is calling for you to get on and sail away to other exciting adventures.

By mutual agreement there are so many ways to meet and catch up - planes, trains, car. Meet half way, swapping and sharing the travelling time. Phone, skype, etc You could agree to see each other face to face at weekends, or perhaps once a month (or more) You could share events with new circles of friends. If you work out some ground rules to stick to so neither partner feels threatened it could work. However the opportunities are there to stray with a whole new set of personalities and exciting faces. Maybe you might have to agree to be open if ever either one of you has met a new significant other and be honest enough to say so if this happens.

Have you met enough people to know your other is 'the one' and this is shared 100% - From a few comments here I feel that this might not be the case, and that the glue on your partner might be stronger than your own? You are young and inexperienced at life generally (because of your age)

Its tricky because so many established relationships cope - many happily married people have partners who work abroad, are in the Forces or who commute a huge distance to work Monday to Friday and return at the weekend. A resigned but comfortable love.

You can only try and see how it all works out, If it is meant to be ..... it may well be pure sweetheart bliss and you go on to live to a 100! Who can say and who knows. Or you can agree to try and see how it works in principle and separate when the 'significant other' finds a new road to Amarillo and then be pragmatic about the whole thing.

That's the thing - it really is only your choice
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LJ234
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#4
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#4
(Original post by hamlethoratio)
That is such a tricky situation! I mean first of all, I would express your concerns to your boyfriend and make sure that you’re both willing to put in the work for a long-distance relationship. You will need to make the effort to message, video chat and meet up regularly (think of where the halfway point would be between you possibly?) The odds are against you, admittedly, but if you truly do love each other then it won’t necessarily be an issue and I think the reason most long-distance relationships fail is because the couple don’t make enough effort to make it work! But do you have a post-uni plan? Because if you two are never going to be near each other and have no future being in the same area, can you really have a meaningful relationship?

The other thing is that I guess you could meet other people at uni that you feel attracted to and when your bf isn’t there physically or vice versa it might be more tempting to be with someone else. Saying that I wouldn’t give up as so many long-distance relationships fail before they even begin as people don’t give it a go and well it might, just might, work for you!! And I hope it does as you sound like you genuinely care I don’t know how you can stop the paranoia but I would say to try and enjoy your time together now when you CAN see each other in person.
Thanks a lot, I really appreciate your reply currently neither of us have solid plans for after we leave uni- both of us are sort of just playing by ear. We have no issue with messaging each other at the moment- we have either seen each other in person or spoken on Instagram every day since January last year, so hopefully that won't change even with the pressure of uni, even if it's just messaging once or twice a day. The way I see it, I couldn't ever see anyone in the same way I see him (he's the only person I've ever had romantic feelings for), and he seems to think the same about me, but because I'm so insecure and self-conscious, I can't help but think about all the issues and imperfections I have. I have no fears of either one of us cheating, but his sister has a load of mental health issues which I know makes him feel upset sometimes and I feel like an extra burden on him because I get anxious a lot. I say 'sorry' to him way too often and he always reassures me but I get worried that it just gets annoying after a while. I think the main issue is my insecurity in myself- I feel too imperfect for him when he's so perfect to me :/ I'll let him know how I'm feeling and work from there
Last edited by LJ234; 4 months ago
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LJ234
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#5
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#5
(Original post by Muttly)
A year is quite a long time get to know someone but it can be a limited fragile relationship if you are not absolutely comfortable with each other and have still to appreciate each others foibles.

You both have to go out there and take the risk - do the very things you both want to do - get fully immersed in Uni life and then see where life takes you. If you don't you could end up feeling resentful that you have not enjoyed Uni life because you were 'tied' to an ethereal external distractor. It would be stupid to think otherwise that you wouldn't consider straying with other new friends along the way. The demands of Uni life just to get to know new friends are huge. That can put a lot of pressure on both of you, but ideally you both need that agreement to be free to explore life to the max? If you can still do that and at the end of 3 yrs, 4 yrs, 5 yrs still be devoted to each other then you may decide to be there for each other for life?

The opportunities to try new things are wonderful and you may find yourself experiencing resentment if you have already agreed to meet up and stick with your old relationship, particularly when the boat is calling for you to get on and sail away to other exciting adventures.

By mutual agreement there are so many ways to meet and catch up - planes, trains, car. Meet half way, swapping and sharing the travelling time. Phone, skype, etc You could agree to see each other face to face at weekends, or perhaps once a month (or more) You could share events with new circles of friends. If you work out some ground rules to stick to so neither partner feels threatened it could work. However the opportunities are there to stray with a whole new set of personalities and exciting faces. Maybe you might have to agree to be open if ever either one of you has met a new significant other and be honest enough to say so if this happens.

Have you met enough people to know your other is 'the one' and this is shared 100% - From a few comments here I feel that this might not be the case, and that the glue on your partner might be stronger than your own? You are young and inexperienced at life generally (because of your age)

Its tricky because so many established relationships cope - many happily married people have partners who work abroad, are in the Forces or who commute a huge distance to work Monday to Friday and return at the weekend. A resigned but comfortable love.

You can only try and see how it all works out, If it is meant to be ..... it may well be pure sweetheart bliss and you go on to live to a 100! Who can say and who knows. Or you can agree to try and see how it works in principle and separate when the 'significant other' finds a new road to Amarillo and then be pragmatic about the whole thing.

That's the thing - it really is only your choice
Thanks so much Yeah, I mean I guess I haven't been exposed to everyone in the world, but the only reason I have doubts is my own self confidence issues, and fears. Neither of us would ever let the other get in the way of pursuing our dreams, we've made that much clear, and I guess if it turned out that parting would be the best option then that's what's best. It's just in my best interest to do everything in my power to not let that happen, since, as cliché as it sounds, he's genuinely the most wonderful person I've ever had the fortune of meeting. Thus far, there is nothing that I would break up with him over, my fears are us just drifting apart one day. I have no fears of either one of us cheating.
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candydiva
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#6
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#6
If u want real thoughts and not makebelieve feelgood social media bubblegum....then u should acclimate urselfs to the reality.

There is no prospect this rel will last. The pre-uni bubble where high schoolers have moved to the top of the maturity/pecking order (year 13) will explode when both of u have to do ur own laundry, pay electric and PutinGazProm bills for ur apartments and deal with noisy/antisocial roommates as well as course stress and living by urselves without the friends/fam safety net of living at home. Additionally u will both meet other interesting ppl that will test ur rel in ways u cannot yet anticipate.

I know this sounds dire and prolly it is from ur pov. But that's how things work in the big world. It's very big and life circumstances make a step-change directly after hs. It's a huge step. Post back here in 2 yrs and tell us how it's going.
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Pluto bat
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#7
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#7
Having been in a similar situation myself, I hope I can offer some perspective (I even went to uni at Cardiff aha and he went to a uni over 400 miles way)

You have to live in the moment really. Try and make the most of being together now. You have months until you even depart ways for uni.

Yes there is a slim chance that you guys are going to be together forever and its great you've realised that but you also can't dwell too much on it. Everyone really is their own unique case and at the end of the day you really don't know. There are plenty of different outcomes to this. I mean for example, my aunt broke up with her boyfriend just before uni begun but after uni they decided to get back together and are still together today. However, my brother stayed together with his girlfriend but broke up in the last year of uni and haven't spoken since and some people do long distance and stay together. You really don't know so there's little point in worrying, although I can sympathise.

It feels really crap rn thinking about being apart but trust me when I say when you get to uni it really won't be as bad as you think it will be. You will be occupied with a new environment and try and make the most of that. Keep yourself doing stuff when you get there so you don't think too much about him. After a couple of weeks it will be the new normal. What's great is that loads of people in the first year of uni have either broken up with their partner or are trying to make long distance work. This means you will not be alone at all whichever camp you are in.

Also when you go home for holidays you will likely see each other. People also do go and visit each other when they have the time and stay in each others accommodation. Normally most accommodation's allow you to have a guest for at least a few days (obviously check with your accommodation). So, there are opportunities to meet up if you so wish.

I think its probably best to have a proper conversation about it closer to the time of going to uni when you actually know for sure what the situation is like. It might be the case he or you feels differently when the time comes or at uni.
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Surnia
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#8
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#8
(Original post by LJ234)
I'm beginning to get anxious that we won't last the 200-mile-long-distance relationship.
What in particular are you anxious about?
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LJ234
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Pluto bat)
Having been in a similar situation myself, I hope I can offer some perspective (I even went to uni at Cardiff aha and he went to a uni over 400 miles way)

You have to live in the moment really. Try and make the most of being together now. You have months until you even depart ways for uni.

Yes there is a slim chance that you guys are going to be together forever and its great you've realised that but you also can't dwell too much on it. Everyone really is their own unique case and at the end of the day you really don't know. There are plenty of different outcomes to this. I mean for example, my aunt broke up with her boyfriend just before uni begun but after uni they decided to get back together and are still together today. However, my brother stayed together with his girlfriend but broke up in the last year of uni and haven't spoken since and some people do long distance and stay together. You really don't know so there's little point in worrying, although I can sympathise.

It feels really crap rn thinking about being apart but trust me when I say when you get to uni it really won't be as bad as you think it will be. You will be occupied with a new environment and try and make the most of that. Keep yourself doing stuff when you get there so you don't think too much about him. After a couple of weeks it will be the new normal. What's great is that loads of people in the first year of uni have either broken up with their partner or are trying to make long distance work. This means you will not be alone at all whichever camp you are in.

Also when you go home for holidays you will likely see each other. People also do go and visit each other when they have the time and stay in each others accommodation. Normally most accommodation's allow you to have a guest for at least a few days (obviously check with your accommodation). So, there are opportunities to meet up if you so wish.

I think its probably best to have a proper conversation about it closer to the time of going to uni when you actually know for sure what the situation is like. It might be the case he or you feels differently when the time comes or at uni.
Thanks, yeah, I've mulled it over and it's pretty early to start getting hung up on that so I'm just gonna try and live in the moment from now on.
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LJ234
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Surnia)
What in particular are you anxious about?
That we'll break up I guess- that the distance will figuratively and literally drive us apart by whatever method. But I guess there's no point in dwelling on it at the moment so I'm just gonna see where it goes at the moment we seem pretty strong, and have even had (albeit jokingly) discussions about us living together with millions of pets with stupid food-related names. I'm aware of how childish I sound, but obviously relationships are difficult even if there's nothing wrong literally- it's the fear of it all falling to ****. In my case I haven't dated just to experience dating- as I say, I've never had feelings for anyone else and would rather not have to experience that kind of heartbreak, even if the odds are against me (I reckon I'm demiromantic or something so these feelings may be really rare so obviously I wanna hold onto him if I can since he's so great and we seem to be so great together)
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alskldks
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#11
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#11
(Original post by LJ234)
That we'll break up I guess- that the distance will figuratively and literally drive us apart by whatever method. But I guess there's no point in dwelling on it at the moment so I'm just gonna see where it goes at the moment we seem pretty strong, and have even had (albeit jokingly) discussions about us living together with millions of pets with stupid food-related names. I'm aware of how childish I sound, but obviously relationships are difficult even if there's nothing wrong literally- it's the fear of it all falling to ****. In my case I haven't dated just to experience dating- as I say, I've never had feelings for anyone else and would rather not have to experience that kind of heartbreak, even if the odds are against me (I reckon I'm demiromantic or something so these feelings may be really rare so obviously I wanna hold onto him if I can since he's so great and we seem to be so great together)
Hey, Im first year Uni and I have just broken up with my boyfriend as I found out he had been getting off with quite a few people on nights out at Uni, not to worry you as I know a lot of couples that have lasted. I just have to be straight up and say it is hard. Me and my boyfriend were about a hundred miles, Im in Sheffield, he's in Newcastle and to be fair, we did see each other a lot. But you do worry on nights out and are constantly wanting to know what they're doing, especially if you're already paranoid now. You will both likely feel tempted at one point, Uni is a weird experience, thousands of people all left on their own to do what they want, its natural. But the most important thing is communication and trust, if you can't trust each other you will have an awful time at uni being worried all the time. Communicate with each other about who they've met and what they're doing etc and make sure you talk beforehand about whether you definitely feel ready. Because if you go into the mindset that one of you might get off with someone in a club during freshers etc, there's no point going in a relationship. Hope this doesn't come across confrontational or anything just think its important to speak to your s/o about your intentions and boundaries etc.
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candydiva
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#12
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#12
The proportion of ppl who remain faithful to their partner throughout their entire time at uni is vanishingly now...not that this is a surprise or anything we humans have been this way for thousands of years
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LJ234
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#13
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#13
(Original post by alskldks)
Hey, Im first year Uni and I have just broken up with my boyfriend as I found out he had been getting off with quite a few people on nights out at Uni, not to worry you as I know a lot of couples that have lasted. I just have to be straight up and say it is hard. Me and my boyfriend were about a hundred miles, Im in Sheffield, he's in Newcastle and to be fair, we did see each other a lot. But you do worry on nights out and are constantly wanting to know what they're doing, especially if you're already paranoid now. You will both likely feel tempted at one point, Uni is a weird experience, thousands of people all left on their own to do what they want, its natural. But the most important thing is communication and trust, if you can't trust each other you will have an awful time at uni being worried all the time. Communicate with each other about who they've met and what they're doing etc and make sure you talk beforehand about whether you definitely feel ready. Because if you go into the mindset that one of you might get off with someone in a club during freshers etc, there's no point going in a relationship. Hope this doesn't come across confrontational or anything just think its important to speak to your s/o about your intentions and boundaries etc.
Thanks for telling me your experience. As I've said to someone else, I don't really have a fear of either one of us cheating, it's just the thought that physical distance will metaphorically drive us away from each other. He's had a few friends become absolute ********s when drunk (and known multiple people who were just ********s sober) so has a sort of fear of getting drunk so I don't think he'd ever get drunk and get with someone else or whatever (I just have a fear of getting drunk but if I so happened to one day, as I say- demisexual/romantic) I'm gonna talk to him about it and we'll just take it from there
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LJ234
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#14
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#14
(Original post by candydiva)
The proportion of ppl who remain faithful to their partner throughout their entire time at uni is vanishingly now...not that this is a surprise or anything we humans have been this way for thousands of years
...okay... what if neither of us are human?
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candydiva
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#15
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#15
Well then u would be a very interesting kind of creature Maybe u could star in one of those scifi Netflix specials!
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