Boyfriend of five years has low sex drive

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Shell2017
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#1
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#1
Hi!

I really need some advice and I didn’t know where to turn. I have been with my boyfriend for five and a half years, I’m 23 and he is 32.

for the past four years I would say our sex life has been very poor. We used to be fine but then it has been going downhill for years.

We have sex about once every couple of weeks to once a month and we are supposedly trying to conceive. This isn’t the main thing that bothers me as I am young and children can wait.

I have quite a high sex drive and would like sex at least two to three times a week but this isn’t ever going to happen I feel.

He has been to the doctors and has been diagnosed with high iron which fan permanently negatively affect his sex drive. I just don’t think I can cope with this forever but everything else is perfect.

I miss the excitement as any time we have sex we are drunk and I’m so frustrated every day. He only lasts about a minute when we do have sex but honestly this doesn’t bother me as we have foreplay.

I don’t want to break up with him but also he is my first partner and I have never experienced a good sex drive that I want, I feel like things are becoming awkward now and it’s only going to get worse. Because it is due to a medical conditional I feel like I can’t say anything anymore so I’m stuck.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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Anonymous #1
#2
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#2
Did the doctors check his testosterone and DHT levels? As this is one of the main reason affecting the sex drive.

Assuming you had spoken to him regarding your needs - Are there any actions that have been taken to resolve this issue? e.g taking supplements to stimulate sex drive or setting out a schedule for weekly date nights to have sex etc.
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Shell2017
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#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Did the doctors check his testosterone and DHT levels? As this is one of the main reason affecting the sex drive.

Assuming you had spoken to him regarding your needs - Are there any actions that have been taken to resolve this issue? e.g taking supplements to stimulate sex drive or setting out a schedule for weekly date nights to have sex etc.
Hi thank you for your reply.

His testosterone is normal. I have spoken to him a lot about it and it’s constantly is I will try but never changes.

We do a lot of date nights and stay in hotels once a month but even then we do not have sex as much as it disappointments me. I bought some vitamins that are supposed to help bht he doesn’t like the idea of these so won’t take these. I just don’t think there’s anything to fix it but I want to get married and be with him forever but I don’t know if this is something I can put up with.
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sleepyjoe2222
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saassaassasa
Last edited by sleepyjoe2222; 3 months ago
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MedicWil
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#5
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Shell2017 You seem to be saying that sex is more important in a relationship than anything else and that your feelings and wants are the only things that matter. Basically you’re coming off very immature and a “me, me, me” type of person.

Sex is only one part of a relationship, there’s a multitude of things that make one. One of these things is SUPPORTING EACH OTHER

In your post you only talk about your wants and desires, but you don’t say what he wants. You also seem to be failing to consider how he feels about the situation. Having known people with libido issues before, he’s probably feeling really low about it and a lot of people feel that it makes them less of a man.

You want to know why it’s being going downhill for years? Because you’re being unsupportive of him and he’s most likely feel really down about the situation, both of which is just going to exacerbate things and make it so that, eventually, you’ll be having no sex at all
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Anonymous #1
#6
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#6
(Original post by Shell2017)
Hi thank you for your reply.

His testosterone is normal. I have spoken to him a lot about it and it’s constantly is I will try but never changes.

We do a lot of date nights and stay in hotels once a month but even then we do not have sex as much as it disappointments me. I bought some vitamins that are supposed to help bht he doesn’t like the idea of these so won’t take these. I just don’t think there’s anything to fix it but I want to get married and be with him forever but I don’t know if this is something I can put up with.
No worries.

I was in the same position as you so I feel like i can relate to your frustrations.

As with every relationship, I feel that compromises should be made at times to meet each others needs.

You are right, 2-3 times a week might not be possible though I feel that he should have compromised to put in effort to make it happen at least once a week. After all, you guys are trying to conceive~
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Shell2017
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
No worries.

I was in the same position as you so I feel like i can relate to your frustrations.

As with every relationship, I feel that compromises should be made at times to meet each others needs.

You are right, 2-3 times a week might not be possible though I feel that he should have compromised to put in effort to make it happen at least once a week. After all, you guys are trying to conceive~
What did you do?
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Shell2017
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#8
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#8
(Original post by MedicWil)
Shell2017 You seem to be saying that sex is more important in a relationship than anything else and that your feelings and wants are the only things that matter. Basically you’re coming off very immature and a “me, me, me” type of person.

Sex is only one part of a relationship, there’s a multitude of things that make one. One of these things is SUPPORTING EACH OTHER

In your post you only talk about your wants and desires, but you don’t say what he wants. You also seem to be failing to consider how he feels about the situation. Having known people with libido issues before, he’s probably feeling really low about it and a lot of people feel that it makes them less of a man.

You want to know why it’s being going downhill for years? Because you’re being unsupportive of him and he’s most likely feel really down about the situation, both of which is just going to exacerbate things and make it so that, eventually, you’ll be having no sex at all
I am absolutely not saying that sex is more important than anything at all, if that was the case we would have broken up four years ago and to make that assumption is unfair.

What would you suggest I do then? Nothing? Because I have tried that, don’t say anything and hope it gets better. It doesn’t.

I think your response is unhelpful. He says he wants a family but if we don’t have sex that isn’t going to happen.

It’s not all me me me, we have gone months and months before where I haven’t said anything to see if he will compromise and initiate but he doesn’t. If you haven’t got any advice then please do not bother to post.
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Anonymous #1
#9
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#9
(Original post by Shell2017)
What did you do?
Like you I have extremely high libido and my significant other doesn't.

I understood that we're definitely not going to have sex as much as I would love to but I could see her trying to put in the effort into making it happen from time to time which I do appreciate.

Whilst it is frustrating at times to have high libido, I usually take care of it myself when she doesn't want to do it.

I love sex, but at the same time I also feel that too much sex kinda makes it meaningless. Similarly, I also want to be with her for the rest of my life and therefore I am willing to compromise given that I could see her efforts into making it happen at times.

Based on my experience, I just felt that your boyfriend could have at least put in some effort into making it happen.

We also don't know the whole story and his attitude towards the situation - perhaps there may be some things that he might not be telling you with regards to how he feel about it?
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Shell2017
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
Like you I have extremely high libido and my significant other doesn't.

I understood that we're definitely not going to have sex as much as I would love to but I could see her trying to put in the effort into making it happen from time to time which I do appreciate.

Whilst it is frustrating at times to have high libido, I usually take care of it myself when she doesn't want to do it.

I love sex, but at the same time I also feel that too much sex kinda makes it meaningless. Similarly, I also want to be with her for the rest of my life and therefore I am willing to compromise given that I could see her efforts into making it happen at times.

Based on my experience, I just felt that your boyfriend could have at least put in some effort into making it happen.

We also don't know the whole story and his attitude towards the situation - perhaps there may be some things that he might not be telling you with regards to how he feel about it?
Yeah if I’m being honest I’m up and down, sometimes I’ll be fine about it and it gets to a couple of months without sex and he hasn’t attempted anything, spoken to me about it and just likes to pretend it’s not happening. Of course I know I don’t want to pressure him as I want to be supportive but usually after a month or two I will let him know I’m frustrated which ends in an argument.

I think it’s only going to get worse when we get more serious about trying for children as I have been off contraception for two years now and have never even really had sex around the time of ovulation so it could be a long journey.

It’s just hard for me to understand because of course we have different sex drives hence why I get frustrated, but I wish I knew how to help the situation more because I don’t want him to resent me either.
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candydiva
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#11
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#11
Yeah big prob here. Being limited by assumed conventional rel perspective doesn't help.

1. Ask him for a hall pass so u can bang nsa. Agree on the parameters like how to handle this and follow the agreement.

2. Accept the current sit and it's alltooinevitable outcome which you understand well enough.

3. Get him to try viagra calls or whatever. Actually this can work for a certain time but it still means sex becomes a challenge for him to prepare for. That is not good for anyone woman or man.
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Anonymous #1
#12
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#12
(Original post by Shell2017)
Yeah if I’m being honest I’m up and down, sometimes I’ll be fine about it and it gets to a couple of months without sex and he hasn’t attempted anything, spoken to me about it and just likes to pretend it’s not happening. Of course I know I don’t want to pressure him as I want to be supportive but usually after a month or two I will let him know I’m frustrated which ends in an argument.

I think it’s only going to get worse when we get more serious about trying for children as I have been off contraception for two years now and have never even really had sex around the time of ovulation so it could be a long journey.

It’s just hard for me to understand because of course we have different sex drives hence why I get frustrated, but I wish I knew how to help the situation more because I don’t want him to resent me either.
Sorry to hear. It seems like the issue lies with the conversation ending in an argument rather than a solution.

If it is possible - I would suggest to find some time to have a conversation where both parties speak about their feelings regarding this issue (without being interrupted or frustrated) and work towards a viable long-term solution.

Alternatively, couple counselling could help and this might be a better option than online advices as the counsellor would get a more comprehensive understanding of your relationship & feelings towards this issue to help find a long-term solution.

In every long term relationship, there will definitely be certain obstacles that both parties have to overcome together as a test of the relationship. Given that both of y'all are serious about having a long term relationship with each other, it is respectable that you're actively seeking to alleviate & help the situation and I genuinely hope that you find a solution to your troubles in due time.
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Anonymous #2
#13
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#13
Maybe you need to make it romantic and get back to being affectionate with each other. Don’t think of sex to finish… just try to enjoy it and forget about conceiving. Just have fun. Maybe it’s putting pressure and making not as pleasurable. Hopefully that makes sense. Possibly, he could finish beforehand so he lasts longer during sex and try out new sex positions or something. Change it up a bit. Be open with him about it and tell him that you don’t feel that you have sex that often. Maybe u make the first move
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Proxenus
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#14
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#14
there's libido boosting supplements like ashgwana and macca root
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gjd800
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#15
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#15
He is still young to have a haemochromatosis diagnosis, so it's not a given that the iron overload is large enough for his sex drive to permanently damaged by it - is he having treatment (i.e. venesection)?
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