Best friend not sharing my romantic feelings. How do I get it off my mind?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 52 years ago
#1
I told her about my feelings about a week ago and she doesn't feel the same. We have been very very good friends about 4 years now, and I started having feelings for her the past one or so. I am 23 years old, male, she is 22.

I do not want to cut her off my life since I value what we have, but it's not easy for me when she talks to me about other men.

Since I told her about my feelings she hasn't mentioned anyone, but knowing that she is still probably dating others without telling me still makes me feel bad (she will tell me at some point though, inevitable). The thought that she is still talking to the man she likes on the instagram and was telling me about a few weeks ago.

How do I get over it? Normally I would just walk away or keep some prolonged no-contact, but as I said, I value what we have. She is my best friend, and we started as friends. I only started seeing her differently the past months.
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Wired_1800
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#2
Report 3 months ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I told her about my feelings about a week ago and she doesn't feel the same. We have been very very good friends about 4 years now, and I started having feelings for her the past one or so. I am 23 years old, male, she is 22.

I do not want to cut her off my life since I value what we have, but it's not easy for me when she talks to me about other men.

Since I told her about my feelings she hasn't mentioned anyone, but knowing that she is still probably dating others without telling me still makes me feel bad (she will tell me at some point though, inevitable). The thought that she is still talking to the man she likes on the instagram and was telling me about a few weeks ago.

How do I get over it? Normally I would just walk away or keep some prolonged no-contact, but as I said, I value what we have. She is my best friend, and we started as friends. I only started seeing her differently the past months.
You need to cut her off and move on. The time you spend fighting battles in your mind could be spent building yourself up.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#3
(Original post by Wired_1800)
You need to cut her off and move on. The time you spend fighting battles in your mind could be spent building yourself up.
You are right man. I made the mistake to start talking to her again those past few days and only thing it did was make me feel even worse. Today I told her I need time, and I think that it's going to be indefinite time.

Yesterday that guy she was talking to on instagram came to her house from far away, I found out through a friend. She agreed on him staying for the night. He is going to stay tonight as well. She hasn't been on social media for hours, I think it's pretty self explanatory what they are doing right now.

It hurts a lot man. The thought that right now she is cuddling with him, having sex with him, playing games with him, it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about my feelings. ''Who cares what he feels about me? It's his problem. I will have fun with this guy because I like him''. And I know for a fact that she doesn't have to care. It's not like she has to stop dating others just because I like her. It's unreasonable from my side to be expecting that. But it still makes me feel like ****.

But it hurts man. The thought. The fact. The truth. Everything.

This also happened during a very stressful state in my life overall. It was just the cherry on the top. I am sorry for venting. I just wanted to get them off my chest.

I truly appreciate your comment.
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Wired_1800
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#4
Report 3 months ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
You are right man. I made the mistake to start talking to her again those past few days and only thing it did was make me feel even worse. Today I told her I need time, and I think that it's going to be indefinite time.

Yesterday that guy she was talking to on instagram came to her house from far away, I found out through a friend. She agreed on him staying for the night. He is going to stay tonight as well. She hasn't been on social media for hours, I think it's pretty self explanatory what they are doing right now.

It hurts a lot man. The thought that right now she is cuddling with him, having sex with him, playing games with him, it doesn't matter. She doesn't care about my feelings. ''Who cares what he feels about me? It's his problem. I will have fun with this guy because I like him''. And I know for a fact that she doesn't have to care. It's not like she has to stop dating others just because I like her. It's unreasonable from my side to be expecting that. But it still makes me feel like ****.

But it hurts man. The thought. The fact. The truth. Everything.

This also happened during a very stressful state in my life overall. It was just the cherry on the top. I am sorry for venting. I just wanted to get them off my chest.

I truly appreciate your comment.
I am sorry that you are going through this painful time but I hope this experience teaches you a valuable lesson. You need to put yourself as the priority and focus on your own interests.

Don't spend time being an emotional tampon for girls who would leave you for other lads when they have a chance. Focus on girls who value and focus on you.

You also need to go out and meet more girls. Make friends and live your life.
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#5
(Original post by Wired_1800)
I am sorry that you are going through this painful time but I hope this experience teaches you a valuable lesson. You need to put yourself as the priority and focus on your own interests.

Don't spend time being an emotional tampon for girls who would leave you for other lads when they have a chance. Focus on girls who value and focus on you.

You also need to go out and meet more girls. Make friends and live your life.
Honestly if it wasn't a friend (we started as friends, we have been friends for many years now and I started developing feelings for her the past months) then I would have stopped talking to her immediately.

But what are we saying now anyway, right now she is having fun with her new date, while I am here being miserable and hurting. Lost a potential partner, and most importantly a good friend.

Thanks for your comment. We move on.
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Surnia
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#6
Report 3 months ago
#6
(Original post by Wired_1800)
Don't spend time being an emotional tampon for girls who would leave you for other lads when they have a chance. Focus on girls who value and focus on you.
What, so if a girl is friends with a guy she has to focus on him and never have a partner?

She doesn't value him less because she is going on a date; you can't force romantic feelings and she shouldn't have to put her life on hold because she only wants to be friends.
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Wired_1800
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#7
Report 3 months ago
#7
(Original post by Surnia)
What, so if a girl is friends with a guy she has to focus on him and never have a partner?

She doesn't value him less because she is going on a date; you can't force romantic feelings and she shouldn't have to put her life on hold because she only wants to be friends.
No, that was not the meaning or point of that paragraph.

It is perfectly fine to have a healthy friendship between a guy and a girl where there are mutual benefits in the friendship such as being there for each other etc.

“An emotional tampon is a guy who will always be there to provide a girl with the proverbial 'shoulder to cry on' or some other outlet for her to otherwise vent her emotional frustration, problems, and other struggles. Ultimately, he becomes the only person for whom this behaviour is reserved as nobody else will tolerate it but him.”

Being an emotional tampon exists where there is an imbalance in the “friendship” and one party benefits more by getting the time, resources, attention and emotional load while the other person secretly suffers because of the hope of getting something “more” from that interaction such as being the girl’s bf.

Again, it is perfectly fine to be in a strictly platonic friendship with mutual benefits just like the OP in the early stages of his friendship. Once things change and feelings evolve into seeking a romantic relationship but it is not reciprocated, it is time to move on imho. Else, one would live in constant pain of rejection and worthlessness as seen with the OP.
Last edited by Wired_1800; 3 months ago
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