How do you know if you are a lesbian?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#1
I don't have anyone to talk about this in real life so I am posting this on TSR.

I know for sure I am attracted to girls as I have always known since I was 5/6 but I never questioned my attraction to men, I just assumed I was attracted to guys?
I remember pretending to have crushes on guys at school to join conversations with my peers. At secondary, I got bullied really bad and one of the things I got bullied for was a rumour that I was gay. I soon after this rumour started dated a guy who asked me out. However, looking back I wonder if I just accepted to try and prove maybe that I wasn't gay? He kept saying that he knew I wasn't attracted to him which I felt bad about (I did try and reassure him that I was but he didn't believe me and I don't think I believed myself either tbh). I also hated PDA with him and like kissing or doing anything.

After we broke up I started to have creeping doubts and told my friend at the time that I thought that I was gay. I hooked up with this guy maybe a couple of months after I said that and just hated it. I wonder like if I just got scared and that's why I hooked up with him? People at the time was saying I wasn't 'easy' and that there was a reason behind it (aka that I was gay). I had also been beaten up for being gay and was struggling to keep friends because of this rumour by this point. I quickly decided though, that if I was able to sleep with a guy, I couldn't possibly be gay and moved on.

At College I got into a relationship and quickly became bored. I avoided sleeping with him and long periods of time cuddling/kissing. Although, I did feel like I loved him at the time.

After we broke up, I socialised more and was meeting more people. I met some lesbians in a bar and they started talking about the way they feel about women and how they knew that they were gay because of how completely different they feel about guys and how in prior relationships with men they just saw them as friends rather than a boyfriend. This made me think about myself and question my sexuality even more.

I thought that maybe if I hooked up with a girl I would have some sort of revelation but I didn't and it was actually disappointing. I really enjoyed everything leading up to hooking up but the actual hook up was idk not great. I don't know if it was because it was just bad sex or maybe I just hate intimacy and something is wrong with me.

I don't know why but this is really bothering me. My mum and my sister keep bringing up stuff that makes me feel weirded out. For example, my mum and sister semi frequently say stuff like I'll find a nice boyfriend someday and settle down. Or "don't worry because boys like that", when I am pregnant ..., are there any boys I am interested in etc...

I find personally this weird because even if I am just bi, its not like they don't know I also like girls. I used to tell my mum about all the crushes (mostly all being girls) I had, I came out to my mum when I was like 7, I talk openly about any dates with women I have been on. I also have similarly always said I'd like to adopt and I actually feel especially awkward around the pregnancy stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting to that. I am lucky to have an accepting family.

I just would like to figure it out so if anyone has any advice for me, it would be much appreciated.
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karl pilkington
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#2
Report 3 months ago
#2
Well I don't understand the bit about your family being accepting but they still say that they expect you to become pregnant etc you know in your heart if you are attracted to women or men, there is no point in being unhappy life what makes you feel most comfortable and happy and fulfilled.
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Anonymous #2
#3
Report 3 months ago
#3
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't have anyone to talk about this in real life so I am posting this on TSR.

I know for sure I am attracted to girls as I have always known since I was 5/6 but I never questioned my attraction to men, I just assumed I was attracted to guys?
I remember pretending to have crushes on guys at school to join conversations with my peers. At secondary, I got bullied really bad and one of the things I got bullied for was a rumour that I was gay. I soon after this rumour started dated a guy who asked me out. However, looking back I wonder if I just accepted to try and prove maybe that I wasn't gay? He kept saying that he knew I wasn't attracted to him which I felt bad about (I did try and reassure him that I was but he didn't believe me and I don't think I believed myself either tbh). I also hated PDA with him and like kissing or doing anything.

After we broke up I started to have creeping doubts and told my friend at the time that I thought that I was gay. I hooked up with this guy maybe a couple of months after I said that and just hated it. I wonder like if I just got scared and that's why I hooked up with him? People at the time was saying I wasn't 'easy' and that there was a reason behind it (aka that I was gay). I had also been beaten up for being gay and was struggling to keep friends because of this rumour by this point. I quickly decided though, that if I was able to sleep with a guy, I couldn't possibly be gay and moved on.

At College I got into a relationship and quickly became bored. I avoided sleeping with him and long periods of time cuddling/kissing. Although, I did feel like I loved him at the time.

After we broke up, I socialised more and was meeting more people. I met some lesbians in a bar and they started talking about the way they feel about women and how they knew that they were gay because of how completely different they feel about guys and how in prior relationships with men they just saw them as friends rather than a boyfriend. This made me think about myself and question my sexuality even more.

I thought that maybe if I hooked up with a girl I would have some sort of revelation but I didn't and it was actually disappointing. I really enjoyed everything leading up to hooking up but the actual hook up was idk not great. I don't know if it was because it was just bad sex or maybe I just hate intimacy and something is wrong with me.

I don't know why but this is really bothering me. My mum and my sister keep bringing up stuff that makes me feel weirded out. For example, my mum and sister semi frequently say stuff like I'll find a nice boyfriend someday and settle down. Or "don't worry because boys like that", when I am pregnant ..., are there any boys I am interested in etc...

I find personally this weird because even if I am just bi, its not like they don't know I also like girls. I used to tell my mum about all the crushes (mostly all being girls) I had, I came out to my mum when I was like 7, I talk openly about any dates with women I have been on. I also have similarly always said I'd like to adopt and I actually feel especially awkward around the pregnancy stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting to that. I am lucky to have an accepting family.

I just would like to figure it out so if anyone has any advice for me, it would be much appreciated.
I’m probably not a lot of help as I’m straight, but I do have friends who are gay. I don’t think you need to put a label on it. Go at your own pace, and go on dates with people you find attractive. My friend used to hide the fact that she liked girls, and would go out with boys, but it just didn’t work for her. Don’t feel pressured to feel a certain way.
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Anonymous #3
#4
Report 3 months ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't have anyone to talk about this in real life so I am posting this on TSR.

I know for sure I am attracted to girls as I have always known since I was 5/6 but I never questioned my attraction to men, I just assumed I was attracted to guys?
I remember pretending to have crushes on guys at school to join conversations with my peers. At secondary, I got bullied really bad and one of the things I got bullied for was a rumour that I was gay. I soon after this rumour started dated a guy who asked me out. However, looking back I wonder if I just accepted to try and prove maybe that I wasn't gay? He kept saying that he knew I wasn't attracted to him which I felt bad about (I did try and reassure him that I was but he didn't believe me and I don't think I believed myself either tbh). I also hated PDA with him and like kissing or doing anything.

After we broke up I started to have creeping doubts and told my friend at the time that I thought that I was gay. I hooked up with this guy maybe a couple of months after I said that and just hated it. I wonder like if I just got scared and that's why I hooked up with him? People at the time was saying I wasn't 'easy' and that there was a reason behind it (aka that I was gay). I had also been beaten up for being gay and was struggling to keep friends because of this rumour by this point. I quickly decided though, that if I was able to sleep with a guy, I couldn't possibly be gay and moved on.

At College I got into a relationship and quickly became bored. I avoided sleeping with him and long periods of time cuddling/kissing. Although, I did feel like I loved him at the time.

After we broke up, I socialised more and was meeting more people. I met some lesbians in a bar and they started talking about the way they feel about women and how they knew that they were gay because of how completely different they feel about guys and how in prior relationships with men they just saw them as friends rather than a boyfriend. This made me think about myself and question my sexuality even more.

I thought that maybe if I hooked up with a girl I would have some sort of revelation but I didn't and it was actually disappointing. I really enjoyed everything leading up to hooking up but the actual hook up was idk not great. I don't know if it was because it was just bad sex or maybe I just hate intimacy and something is wrong with me.

I don't know why but this is really bothering me. My mum and my sister keep bringing up stuff that makes me feel weirded out. For example, my mum and sister semi frequently say stuff like I'll find a nice boyfriend someday and settle down. Or "don't worry because boys like that", when I am pregnant ..., are there any boys I am interested in etc...

I find personally this weird because even if I am just bi, its not like they don't know I also like girls. I used to tell my mum about all the crushes (mostly all being girls) I had, I came out to my mum when I was like 7, I talk openly about any dates with women I have been on. I also have similarly always said I'd like to adopt and I actually feel especially awkward around the pregnancy stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting to that. I am lucky to have an accepting family.

I just would like to figure it out so if anyone has any advice for me, it would be much appreciated.
i id as a lesbian and can heavily relate to what you’ve said about relationships with men - if you don’t enjoy being romantic with them or sleeping with them chances are you probably aren’t attracted to them. it shouldn’t be a chore or boring to be with someone you’re actually attracted to. i don’t know you personally so i can’t tell you your sexuality but from this at least it sounds like you don’t like men. i feel like your experience with a woman is giving you doubt about whether you are a lesbian or not - you’re right it’s possible you just had bad sex, or there’s possibly some internalised shame or homophobia you need to unpack that’s getting in the way of things, or if you just don’t enjoy or want sex you could be asexual. whatever the reason nothing is wrong with you, it’s very normal to have a complicated relationship with sex. regardless you don’t have to have it all figured out now, it’s a journey getting to know yourself. if you wanted to try out labelling yourself as a lesbian that’s fine, labels aren’t set in stone and if it doesn’t work for you you can change it! equally you don’t have to label yourself, just do what feels best and you don’t owe it to anyone else to put a label on that experience to describe it for them. thé things that your family say seem odd, it sounds like despite being generally accepting they still have some hangups about you being attracted to women/the future with that and are focusing on your assumed attraction to men. again i don’t know your situation fully and there might be more to it but based on what you’ve said here it seems odd and i don’t think you’re overreacting to think that.
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Angel in the sky
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#5
Report 3 months ago
#5
I came out as Bi about six months ago
But even though I still like men I prefer to be with girls as I feel a lot more comfortable and relaxed with girls
And I probably wouldn't look at dating another man
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squirrelmonkey12
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#6
Report 3 months ago
#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
I don't have anyone to talk about this in real life so I am posting this on TSR.

I know for sure I am attracted to girls as I have always known since I was 5/6 but I never questioned my attraction to men, I just assumed I was attracted to guys?
I remember pretending to have crushes on guys at school to join conversations with my peers. At secondary, I got bullied really bad and one of the things I got bullied for was a rumour that I was gay. I soon after this rumour started dated a guy who asked me out. However, looking back I wonder if I just accepted to try and prove maybe that I wasn't gay? He kept saying that he knew I wasn't attracted to him which I felt bad about (I did try and reassure him that I was but he didn't believe me and I don't think I believed myself either tbh). I also hated PDA with him and like kissing or doing anything.

After we broke up I started to have creeping doubts and told my friend at the time that I thought that I was gay. I hooked up with this guy maybe a couple of months after I said that and just hated it. I wonder like if I just got scared and that's why I hooked up with him? People at the time was saying I wasn't 'easy' and that there was a reason behind it (aka that I was gay). I had also been beaten up for being gay and was struggling to keep friends because of this rumour by this point. I quickly decided though, that if I was able to sleep with a guy, I couldn't possibly be gay and moved on.

At College I got into a relationship and quickly became bored. I avoided sleeping with him and long periods of time cuddling/kissing. Although, I did feel like I loved him at the time.

After we broke up, I socialised more and was meeting more people. I met some lesbians in a bar and they started talking about the way they feel about women and how they knew that they were gay because of how completely different they feel about guys and how in prior relationships with men they just saw them as friends rather than a boyfriend. This made me think about myself and question my sexuality even more.

I thought that maybe if I hooked up with a girl I would have some sort of revelation but I didn't and it was actually disappointing. I really enjoyed everything leading up to hooking up but the actual hook up was idk not great. I don't know if it was because it was just bad sex or maybe I just hate intimacy and something is wrong with me.

I don't know why but this is really bothering me. My mum and my sister keep bringing up stuff that makes me feel weirded out. For example, my mum and sister semi frequently say stuff like I'll find a nice boyfriend someday and settle down. Or "don't worry because boys like that", when I am pregnant ..., are there any boys I am interested in etc...

I find personally this weird because even if I am just bi, its not like they don't know I also like girls. I used to tell my mum about all the crushes (mostly all being girls) I had, I came out to my mum when I was like 7, I talk openly about any dates with women I have been on. I also have similarly always said I'd like to adopt and I actually feel especially awkward around the pregnancy stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting to that. I am lucky to have an accepting family.

I just would like to figure it out so if anyone has any advice for me, it would be much appreciated.
Hey there,
Sounds to me like you might actually be asexual? It's where, even though you might like someone romantically, you don't like sex, and that could also extend to things like hugging or kissing.
So you could be lesbian because you like girls but you could also be asexual and not interested in a sexual relationship.

https://www.healthline.com/health/am-i-lesbian
https://www.healthline.com/health/ar...-relationships
https://www.slice.ca/10-signs-you-are-probably-asexual/
https://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#7
(Original post by karl pilkington)
Well I don't understand the bit about your family being accepting but they still say that they expect you to become pregnant etc you know in your heart if you are attracted to women or men, there is no point in being unhappy life what makes you feel most comfortable and happy and fulfilled.
Thanks for replying to my post and apologies for the late reply.
What I meant by 'accepting' is that my family isn't going to me kick me out or never talk to me again and they do accept that I have an attraction to women.

I do know that I am attracted to women, I am just unsure and go back and forth a lot in my head whether I am also attracted to men.
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
I’m probably not a lot of help as I’m straight, but I do have friends who are gay. I don’t think you need to put a label on it. Go at your own pace, and go on dates with people you find attractive. My friend used to hide the fact that she liked girls, and would go out with boys, but it just didn’t work for her. Don’t feel pressured to feel a certain way.
Thank youu
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
i id as a lesbian and can heavily relate to what you’ve said about relationships with men - if you don’t enjoy being romantic with them or sleeping with them chances are you probably aren’t attracted to them. it shouldn’t be a chore or boring to be with someone you’re actually attracted to. i don’t know you personally so i can’t tell you your sexuality but from this at least it sounds like you don’t like men. i feel like your experience with a woman is giving you doubt about whether you are a lesbian or not - you’re right it’s possible you just had bad sex, or there’s possibly some internalised shame or homophobia you need to unpack that’s getting in the way of things, or if you just don’t enjoy or want sex you could be asexual. whatever the reason nothing is wrong with you, it’s very normal to have a complicated relationship with sex. regardless you don’t have to have it all figured out now, it’s a journey getting to know yourself. if you wanted to try out labelling yourself as a lesbian that’s fine, labels aren’t set in stone and if it doesn’t work for you you can change it! equally you don’t have to label yourself, just do what feels best and you don’t owe it to anyone else to put a label on that experience to describe it for them. thé things that your family say seem odd, it sounds like despite being generally accepting they still have some hangups about you being attracted to women/the future with that and are focusing on your assumed attraction to men. again i don’t know your situation fully and there might be more to it but based on what you’ve said here it seems odd and i don’t think you’re overreacting to think that.
I have noticed I have a lot of internalised shame/homophobia which I am trying to work through atm. I am a lot better than I used to be. I think once I move out to somewhere a bit more LGBT it'll hopefully be a bit easier. I just find opening up about it hard sometimes. This is probably the first time I have probably opened up about in depth.
I might try out labelling myself even if its just privately and see how it feels.
Thanks for the advice x
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Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#10
(Original post by squirrelmonkey12)
Hey there,
Sounds to me like you might actually be asexual? It's where, even though you might like someone romantically, you don't like sex, and that could also extend to things like hugging or kissing.
So you could be lesbian because you like girls but you could also be asexual and not interested in a sexual relationship.

https://www.healthline.com/health/am-i-lesbian
https://www.healthline.com/health/ar...-relationships
https://www.slice.ca/10-signs-you-are-probably-asexual/
https://time.com/2889469/asexual-orientation/
Thanks for the links. I'll check them out and do a bit of researching.
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