I don't have anyone to talk about this in real life so I am posting this on TSR.
I know for sure I am attracted to girls as I have always known since I was 5/6 but I never questioned my attraction to men, I just assumed I was attracted to guys?
I remember pretending to have crushes on guys at school to join conversations with my peers. At secondary, I got bullied really bad and one of the things I got bullied for was a rumour that I was gay. I soon after this rumour started dated a guy who asked me out. However, looking back I wonder if I just accepted to try and prove maybe that I wasn't gay? He kept saying that he knew I wasn't attracted to him which I felt bad about (I did try and reassure him that I was but he didn't believe me and I don't think I believed myself either tbh). I also hated PDA with him and like kissing or doing anything.
After we broke up I started to have creeping doubts and told my friend at the time that I thought that I was gay. I hooked up with this guy maybe a couple of months after I said that and just hated it. I wonder like if I just got scared and that's why I hooked up with him? People at the time was saying I wasn't 'easy' and that there was a reason behind it (aka that I was gay). I had also been beaten up for being gay and was struggling to keep friends because of this rumour by this point. I quickly decided though, that if I was able to sleep with a guy, I couldn't possibly be gay and moved on.
At College I got into a relationship and quickly became bored. I avoided sleeping with him and long periods of time cuddling/kissing. Although, I did feel like I loved him at the time.
After we broke up, I socialised more and was meeting more people. I met some lesbians in a bar and they started talking about the way they feel about women and how they knew that they were gay because of how completely different they feel about guys and how in prior relationships with men they just saw them as friends rather than a boyfriend. This made me think about myself and question my sexuality even more.
I thought that maybe if I hooked up with a girl I would have some sort of revelation but I didn't and it was actually disappointing. I really enjoyed everything leading up to hooking up but the actual hook up was idk not great. I don't know if it was because it was just bad sex or maybe I just hate intimacy and something is wrong with me.
I don't know why but this is really bothering me. My mum and my sister keep bringing up stuff that makes me feel weirded out. For example, my mum and sister semi frequently say stuff like I'll find a nice boyfriend someday and settle down. Or "don't worry because boys like that", when I am pregnant ..., are there any boys I am interested in etc...
I find personally this weird because even if I am just bi, its not like they don't know I also like girls. I used to tell my mum about all the crushes (mostly all being girls) I had, I came out to my mum when I was like 7, I talk openly about any dates with women I have been on. I also have similarly always said I'd like to adopt and I actually feel especially awkward around the pregnancy stuff. Maybe I'm overreacting to that. I am lucky to have an accepting family.
I just would like to figure it out so if anyone has any advice for me, it would be much appreciated.