My sister opened up about something strange

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#1
My sister owned up to me about something and I was a bit shocked and not sure what to say. She’s 39 in a few months and never really had sex. She said the only relationship she had was with a much older man and that she didn’t actually have sex as she backed away/didn’t like it. I know she has been on dates but I’m her words they never get past the meeting up for a drink stage as they always feel like a chore. She said she would like a relationship but never feels she has time. She said part of her feels like a loser/weirdo as she’s never experimented in her youth and it seems odd as if she does have sex for the first time it will be with an older man.

Not exactly sure how to pinpoint her issue but are there any wise folk on here who could give advice
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Anonymous #2
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Woah.. okay so first of all, nothing wrong with not having had sex at 39. Tbh much of the sex that she would have experienced in her youth would likely be pretty crap because no one really knows what they’re doing or communicates. Having a sexual relationship with a more experienced man could be a great thing (I say could because experience doesn’t equal skill lol but more experience does often mean these conversations around sex are easier to have).

The only advice to give is maybe for her to delve into the reason why dating doesn’t go past the point of one date. Is there a feeling internally holding you back? You mention she said it feels like a chore - going on a date definitely should not feel like a chore. This suggests to me one of two things - either she is dating the wrong guys or she isn’t ready to engage with a man. Either way, these things can be fixed! So essentially - she needs to do some personal reflection and maybe even therapy (sounds extreme but seriously everyone would benefit from therapy).

The comment about backing away/not liking it suggests she was not ready for intimacy. Nothing wrong with this at all but it is something she should work through, again this comes back to talking therapies etc. if this is out of reach (I know therapy can be expensive/ inaccessible) then gather some resources for her! Books, podcasts, articles etc on the subject around sexuality and the social construct of virginity. Also some resources about self development and reflection could help.

I really wish her the best of luck and I hope she knows there is absolutely nothing wrong with her situation and she can identify the root cause and overcome it, if she wants!

Take care
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Muttly
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#3
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Yes - just allow her to explore this world at her own pace. The key in life is finding our own likes and dislikes. For many never having sex until you are a thirty (nearly 40 +) something is a big deal, others - it doesn't even demand a second look. Who cares or judges. It doesn't really matter about 'how old' as long as not co-erced, tricked, forced or anything else on those lines. Thank goodness we are free to choose.

To put it into context - some people pay huge sums of money to have sex with a 'virgin'
Others pay you to have sex and it becomes a normalised commodity
Somewhere in between there are a multitude of other variations and a loving relationship

The best advice is to have the absolute choice to do what you want to do with your body, at what ever (legal) age, and what ever your beliefs or underpinning ethos might be. As long as you are informed and free to choose.

It's your sisters life and hers to do as she would wish. Life experience and her own self esteem will be the guiding lights here. No one else should moralise or implant their own set of beliefs. It's your Sister's choice alone. One day at a time.
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Anonymous #1
#4
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Woah.. okay so first of all, nothing wrong with not having had sex at 39. Tbh much of the sex that she would have experienced in her youth would likely be pretty crap because no one really knows what they’re doing or communicates. Having a sexual relationship with a more experienced man could be a great thing (I say could because experience doesn’t equal skill lol but more experience does often mean these conversations around sex are easier to have).

The only advice to give is maybe for her to delve into the reason why dating doesn’t go past the point of one date. Is there a feeling internally holding you back? You mention she said it feels like a chore - going on a date definitely should not feel like a chore. This suggests to me one of two things - either she is dating the wrong guys or she isn’t ready to engage with a man. Either way, these things can be fixed! So essentially - she needs to do some personal reflection and maybe even therapy (sounds extreme but seriously everyone would benefit from therapy).

The comment about backing away/not liking it suggests she was not ready for intimacy. Nothing wrong with this at all but it is something she should work through, again this comes back to talking therapies etc. if this is out of reach (I know therapy can be expensive/ inaccessible) then gather some resources for her! Books, podcasts, articles etc on the subject around sexuality and the social construct of virginity. Also some resources about self development and reflection could help.

I really wish her the best of luck and I hope she knows there is absolutely nothing wrong with her situation and she can identify the root cause and overcome it, if she wants!

Take care
Cheeers, our family think that she is just independant and just mustn’t want a relationship. She has told me she is unsure whether she does or not and it does appear to be that she feels some sort of internal pressure to try just because everyone else has a family. I know someone single who might suit her but don’t really want to mess him about if she’s not ready
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Anonymous #2
#5
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Cheeers, our family think that she is just independant and just mustn’t want a relationship. She has told me she is unsure whether she does or not and it does appear to be that she feels some sort of internal pressure to try just because everyone else has a family. I know someone single who might suit her but don’t really want to mess him about if she’s not ready
I see.. maybe it is the case that she really is quite happy with her life alone. If that is the case then there’s nothing for her to worry about, she can continue being independent and living her life!

I do think she needs to understand why she is this way (again, not that’s it’s wrong) but I think some exploration first to decide what she wants before any kind of dating is pursued..

She is really lucky to have you supporting her!
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