Does this sentence make sense - dissertation

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ovets
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#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#1
" Watching the pharmacist give clinical advice on health concerns, and side-effects that patients may be concerned about from certain medication such as stomach cramps from paracetamol showed the responsibility the pharmacist had in removing the worrisome and fear the patient displayed. This reminded me about being a peer mentor in secondary to a younger student, using my experience to guide them away from their anxiety in life in secondary school. "
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emrex03
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#2
Report 3 months ago
#2
I'll add in bold what needs to be changed:

" Watching the pharmacist give clinical advice on health concerns, (remove comma) and side-effects that patients may be concerned about from certain medication such as stomach cramps from paracetamol (add comma) showed the responsibility the pharmacist had in removing the worrisome (maybe change that word - worrisome is an adjective) and fear the patient displayed. This reminded me about (of) being a peer (not really needed) mentor in secondary school to a younger student, using my experience to guide them away from their anxiety in life in secondary school (redundant - remove underlined section). "
using my experience to guide them away from their anxiety in life - this is quite vague, "guiding someone away from anxiety" doesn't really make sense, maybe say something along the lines of "helping them overcome/manage their anxiety".

Hope that's ok!
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