Sleeping with my best friend's housemate

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Jennmc
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#1
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#1
Hi,

My best friend and I have known each other for over 20 years, she's like a sister to me.

We are now both in our 20s, she has housemates. I obviously met them when she moved in; we quickly started going out as a group, always had lots of fun.

It turns out one of her housemates - who also happened to be her favorite housemate - took a liking to me. I know he was her favorite because she told me. However, she always said that she was not attracted to him physically (to the point of being "disgusted" when thinking about being intimate with him), but she just really liked him as a friend, said he was more like a brother to her. Plus, her rule is to not date housemates. On a side note, she's also the one who used to constantly tell me he really liked me, even when I didn't realize it at first.

Fast forward to today: her housemate and I are sleeping together. I honestly didn't think much of it when it happened for the first time a few weeks ago (also because I was drunk). In my mind, I wasn't doing anything wrong. He's single, I'm single, my best friend was like "yuck" when talking about having a relationship with him. What's the big deal? We can still have sex while they're best buds... Or is that impossible? Am I being delusional here?

Because ever since that happened, she's been acting weird. She stopped having actual genuine and deep conversations with him, she sort of avoids him when she sees him at the house, makes it awkward. When we hang, she's different (I've been super close with her for years, she's never acted that way before). She's colder. When she talks to me, she avoids mentioning his name when she tells me a story about the house (which happens often because, I mean... she lives there).

How on earth did it get to this point? Why? Am I a selfish b*tch? Can't I have sex with my friends' friends? I really don't get it. I've been beating myself up over this for the past couple of days and it's driving me insane. I don't even know if I feel intense sadness or anger. I've been going through a rough patch lately - finally ended a horrible relationship that lasted years - I finally (and for the first time in my life) have a positive experience with a guy, and then this happens. I wish she could just be happy for me and we could hang the way we used to. But is he off limits to me because he's her housemate? Should I end things with him?

What are your thoughts on this? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Last edited by Jennmc; 3 months ago
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Zarek
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#2
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#2
Ask her what’s up. Maybe she fancied him really, maybe she resents the competition for time with you. People are funny
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Napp
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Dont **** where you eat is the general advice here.

How on earth did it get to this point? Why? Am I a selfish b*tch? I can't have sex with my friends' friends? I really don't get it. I've been beating myself up over this for the past couple of days and it's driving me insane. I don't even know if I feel intense sadness or anger. I've been going through a rough patch lately - finally ended a horrible relationship that lasted years - I finally (and for the first time in my life) have a positive experience with a guy, and she acts this way. I wish she could just be happy for me and I could talk to her about my experiences like we used to. But is he off limits to me because he's her (favorite) housemate? Should I end this thing we have going on? We have no future together anyway (due to circumstances), but I'd like to spend time with him while I still can. He always invites me over.
Its not completely unreasonable for her to be miffed at you sleeping with her friends imo. She might not have a particul;ar right to bve angry or the like as she didnt have any interest in him (although are you actually sure of thast given the reaction?). A fair few people dont like to mix their friend groups, let alone have them sleep togewther, as it can end rather badly - say if you and him blew up imagine the position thatll leave her in?

Either way, just corner her and ask her what her problem is. She might have likled him and not been entirely honest on it, not want her friend groups going about behind her in this way etc. We can only guess as to why shes not amused.
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Anonymous #1
#4
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I would be annoyed in her position because there were many other men you could have chosen for a FWB situation. I find the use of your past relationship to justify things manipulate and distasteful to be honest. You have put her in an awkward position and been selfish IMO.
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StriderHort
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#5
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Meh,

I can also see why they might not be too pleased, as from an entirely selfish view you are messing about with the dynamics of their home. On the other hand they are a free agent and it's a free country, any ongoing reaction beyond mild annoyance is hard to justify.
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Jennmc
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#6
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(Original post by Napp)
Dont **** where you eat is the general advice here.


Its not completely unreasonable for her to be miffed at you sleeping with her friends imo. She might not have a particul;ar right to bve angry or the like as she didnt have any interest in him (although are you actually sure of thast given the reaction?). A fair few people dont like to mix their friend groups, let alone have them sleep togewther, as it can end rather badly - say if you and him blew up imagine the position thatll leave her in?

Either way, just corner her and ask her what her problem is. She might have likled him and not been entirely honest on it, not want her friend groups going about behind her in this way etc. We can only guess as to why shes not amused.
Thanks for your answer. I did try to talk to her about it 3x before, she always says it's all in my head. But then when she gets drunk she says things that confirm my feelings. She loves mixing her friend groups and she knows I'm leaving the country in a few months, so even if things were to turn sour, it wouldn't matter. So that's not the reason she's acting weird. Maybe she did secretly like him, idk... Although that would surprise me.
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Jennmc
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#7
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I would be annoyed in her position because there were many other men you could have chosen for a FWB situation. I find the use of your past relationship to justify things manipulate and distasteful to be honest. You have put her in an awkward position and been selfish IMO.
Well that's the thing, I didn't choose him. It also happened gradually. I didn't even think he was special in the beginning, we'd been friends for months. We used to go out and he always respected my integrity and kept his distance, I had no idea. But then over the last couple of weeks he started giving me extra attention, was being extra sweet to me... Next thing you know we slept together. And now I actually do really like him. You don't choose who you like... I can't hide my own feelings from myself. How is her position awkward? Maybe if you explain I might agree and just ends things altogether.
Last edited by Jennmc; 3 months ago
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Jennmc
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#8
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(Original post by StriderHort)
Meh,

I can also see why they might not be too pleased, as from an entirely selfish view you are messing about with the dynamics of their home. On the other hand they are a free agent and it's a free country, any ongoing reaction beyond mild annoyance is hard to justify.
Ok thanks. How am I messing with the dynamics when I'm not there? She's not me. Why does it have to be awkward when they see each other in the house without me being around? I get that it would be awkward the first time, but after that, wouldn't people get over it?
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Jennmc
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#9
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(Original post by Zarek)
Ask her what’s up. Maybe she fancied him really, maybe she resents the competition for time with you. People are funny
Thanks, I did. She tells me I have a problem and I'm imagining things. However, when she gets drunk she randomly tells me things like "I don't want to hang with you guys anymore." We've never been lovey-dovey around her, I treat him the way I used to when she's around (and the ultimate proof is the fact that nobody in the house knows about us hooking up and I'd like to keep it that way for the time being). Makes me sad.
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Fruli
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#10
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#10
Sounds like she fancied him. It's not your fault she wasn't honest with you. That's her problem, not yours. You can't please everyone.
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Chicken.M.
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#11
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She fancies him and lied about it. Her fault tbh.
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Surnia
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#12
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#12
Maybe she resents you intruding on her domain, because the house is her thing, and she was kind of showing off to you that she's an adult and has all this (rhetorical question: what are your circumstances, eg did you move out first?). Maybe she did fancy him. Maybe she's more insecure than she lets on and is scared of losing 2 good friends and being a third wheel/left out completely; who knows? And you won't know if she won't talk, and you've made the effort. Has the guy noticed things being different, and has he spoken with her?

Otherwise, two single people hook up; nothing wrong with that!
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Jennmc
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#13
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(Original post by Surnia)
Maybe she resents you intruding on her domain, because the house is her thing, and she was kind of showing off to you that she's an adult and has all this (rhetorical question: what are your circumstances, eg did you move out first?). Maybe she did fancy him. Maybe she's more insecure than she lets on and is scared of losing 2 good friends and being a third wheel/left out completely; who knows? And you won't know if she won't talk, and you've made the effort. Has the guy noticed things being different, and has he spoken with her?

Otherwise, two single people hook up; nothing wrong with that!
I moved out first and did so years ago. Yes, he told me she's distant with him too and she avoids him. So I told him that maybe we should stop hooking up if this is the outcome (which in turn made him sad too). Thanks for your feedback. She decided to organize an only girls thing tonight (which is weird because we've never banned guys from our nights out before, who cares) and she doesn't want to end the party at their house anymore (which is also weird and doesn't make sense anyway because if I really wanted to see him, I could just send him a message and he'd let me in). I'll see how it goes and will try to assess the situation based on that. I am seriously considering ending things altogether.
Last edited by Jennmc; 3 months ago
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