Why do I want to punish myself?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#1
I didn't want to start another thread, but I don't think this question will be answered on the previous thread I made "https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6663548" cause I've written an essay at the start. No need to click on the link above - it's not a clickbait thing and I am not looking for sympathy etc. I just have a question below which has been bothering me for a long time.

Does anyone on TSR know what this means (I've explained below)? I don't understand why I want to do this to myself and I was wondering if there is a name to what I am doing or if anyone has ever experienced this?

I hurt myself with self-destructive mannerisms and thoughts. I've failed my exams ON PURPOSE just to hurt myself/or fantasise about how sad I would feel when I fail my exam. In school, I used to let people beat me in running races. Another way to explain it is if a test consists of 10 multiple choice questions and I had to get 8 correct to pass the exam, I would only do 8 of the questions correctly even if I knew the answers to all 10 of them.

I am a whole different level of messed up, but I don't understand why I want to do this? I emphasise, want.
I don't want to commit suicide, nor have I self-harmed or anything like that, but I like screwing myself up in some way.

I think the last time I actually tried for anything and wanted to be the best version of myself was when I was 10 - I was competitive back then and wanted to do my best.

So what does this all mean? I am really trying to wrack my brain for answers but I don't have an explanation for this strange thing I do.
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Ciel.
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#2
Report 3 months ago
#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I didn't want to start another thread, but I don't think this question will be answered on the previous thread I made "https://www.thestudentroom.co.uk/showthread.php?t=6663548" cause I've written an essay at the start. No need to click on the link above - it's not a clickbait thing and I am not looking for sympathy etc. I just have a question below which has been bothering me for a long time.

Does anyone on TSR know what this means (I've explained below)? I don't understand why I want to do this to myself and I was wondering if there is a name to what I am doing or if anyone has ever experienced this?

I hurt myself with self-destructive mannerisms and thoughts. I've failed my exams ON PURPOSE just to hurt myself/or fantasise about how sad I would feel when I fail my exam. In school, I used to let people beat me in running races. Another way to explain it is if a test consists of 10 multiple choice questions and I had to get 8 correct to pass the exam, I would only do 8 of the questions correctly even if I knew the answers to all 10 of them.

I am a whole different level of messed up, but I don't understand why I want to do this? I emphasise, want.
I don't want to commit suicide, nor have I self-harmed or anything like that, but I like screwing myself up in some way.

I think the last time I actually tried for anything and wanted to be the best version of myself was when I was 10 - I was competitive back then and wanted to do my best.

So what does this all mean? I am really trying to wrack my brain for answers but I don't have an explanation for this strange thing I do.
i don't know your age but you could be into some form of masochism. or might be in the future (that doesn't necessarily mean you enjoy physical violence or anything like that, some people are into humiliation and other stuff)
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
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(Original post by Ciel.)
i don't know your age but you could be into some form of masochism. or might be in the future (that doesn't necessarily mean you enjoy physical violence or anything like that, some people are into humiliation and other stuff)
I am 22. I don't enjoy humiliating myself and I don't enjoy putting myself down. It makes me sad and question why I would do such a thing in the moment. Was taken aback by your suggestion lol. I know I am getting better after identifying the narcissistic/abusive nature of my parents plus going to my GP and getting my ADHD diagnosis. Forgiving myself even when I mess up badly has been changing my outlook on things and I feel more determined to look out for myself. After being accustomed to keeping my parents happy and making sure not to upset them for years, I've acknowledged that I've never put myself first and never thought about how I truly feel and what I want.
I will keep moving forward (and forgive myself every time I mess up) and enjoy my life - keep myself happy. The most important thing is my happiness and health. Life is too short. It's ok if no one on TSR can relate to this. I don't have to fit the mould.
One day I will look back at these posts and reflect on how this period was a turning point in my life, a point in my life when I started loving myself and recovering and be proud of how far I've come. I shouldn't cringe or be weirded out when I think of myself in a positive light - it's good to compliment myself. It's perfectly healthy and normal to tell myself how great I am, how talented I am, how intelligent I am (no ifs and buts). I don't need to do anything differently or change myself for others, and nor do I need to accept criticism or rejection from others. Just do what I feel comfortable with and push myself when I feel ready - rushing things is the devil's work.
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Ciel.
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#4
Report 3 months ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I am 22. I don't enjoy humiliating myself and I don't enjoy putting myself down. It makes me sad and question why I would do such a thing in the moment. Was taken aback by your suggestion lol. I know I am getting better after identifying the narcissistic/abusive nature of my parents plus going to my GP and getting my ADHD diagnosis. Forgiving myself even when I mess up badly has been changing my outlook on things and I feel more determined to look out for myself. After being accustomed to keeping my parents happy and making sure not to upset them for years, I've acknowledged that I've never put myself first and never thought about how I truly feel and what I want.
I will keep moving forward (and forgive myself every time I mess up) and enjoy my life - keep myself happy. The most important thing is my happiness and health. Life is too short. It's ok if no one on TSR can relate to this. I don't have to fit the mould.
One day I will look back at these posts and reflect on how this period was a turning point in my life, a point in my life when I started loving myself and recovering and be proud of how far I've come. I shouldn't cringe or be weirded out when I think of myself in a positive light - it's good to compliment myself. It's perfectly healthy and normal to tell myself how great I am, how talented I am, how intelligent I am (no ifs and buts). I don't need to do anything differently or change myself for others, and nor do I need to accept criticism or rejection from others. Just do what I feel comfortable with and push myself when I feel ready - rushing things is the devil's work.
if you say so
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Anonymous #1
#5
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#5
(Original post by Ciel.)
if you say so

Not gonna lie, typing out these posts are therapeutic. Something I can reflect on later on.
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