Guy I'm seeing won't help?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#1
I started talking to a guy who is a PhD student. Initially he came across as a very quiet and serious guy who is very focussed on his studies.
So when I noticed him staring at me a lot, I decided to approach him thinking he's shy and quiet.

Turns out, he is not whom he appears to be. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing a PhD myself so I thought he would be of great help.
However, when I asked him about his research, all he said was the topic he was writing on. I asked him about his fieldwork, he simply replied I have my fieldwork.
He didn't tell me anything nor seemed interested in his own research. I also asked him how difficult it is or how he manages his time, and again he went like "Anyone can do a PhD, I'm not organised and I barely get any work done as I come in late and go out a lot".

Which is true that the only time he comes in early when he's 2 weeks away from the deadline. Otherwise, he's always going out, drinking or even hooking up with girls (which he denies) .

He also told me that I don't have to worry about PhD either and offered no help.

Should I stop seeing this guy?
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Scotney
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#2
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#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
I started talking to a guy who is a PhD student. Initially he came across as a very quiet and serious guy who is very focussed on his studies.
So when I noticed him staring at me a lot, I decided to approach him thinking he's shy and quiet.

Turns out, he is not whom he appears to be. Anyway, I'm thinking of doing a PhD myself so I thought he would be of great help.
However, when I asked him about his research, all he said was the topic he was writing on. I asked him about his fieldwork, he simply replied I have my fieldwork.
He didn't tell me anything nor seemed interested in his own research. I also asked him how difficult it is or how he manages his time, and again he went like "Anyone can do a PhD, I'm not organised and I barely get any work done as I come in late and go out a lot".

Which is true that the only time he comes in early when he's 2 weeks away from the deadline. Otherwise, he's always going out, drinking or even hooking up with girls (which he denies) .

He also told me that I don't have to worry about PhD either and offered no help.

Should I stop seeing this guy?
What exactly is your relationship based on?
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Anonymous #1
#3
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#3
(Original post by Scotney)
What exactly is your relationship based on?
I dont even know. We have lots of things in common but like he doesn't offer any help on anything. So I'm assuming it's just looks/physical considering he stares ate a lot?
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Scotney
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#4
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#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I dont even know. We have lots of things in common but like he doesn't offer any help on anything. So I'm assuming it's just looks/physical considering he stares ate a lot?
Is that enough for you?How long have you been together.Is he happy with his own Phd?
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Anonymous #1
#5
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(Original post by Scotney)
Is that enough for you?How long have you been together.Is he happy with his own Phd?
Not for me hence asking this question. 3 months and he never says anything . His colleagues talk so much in depth, how its a rewarding experience etc and they are always very busy with their work too.
But he's a completely different case.

He comes in, sits 2 hours then gone. Sometimes he even ghosted me but tried to revive us by chatting in person.
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Scotney
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Not for me hence asking this question. 3 months and he never says anything . His colleagues talk so much in depth, how its a rewarding experience etc and they are always very busy with their work too.
But he's a completely different case.

He comes in, sits 2 hours then gone. Sometimes he even ghosted me but tried to revive us by chatting in person.
Maybe he is having a hard time with his Phd or is struggling with depression.Bottom line is you have a communication problem and unless you two are able to talk to each other about how you are feeling you are going nowhere fast.Many people do not have a great phd experience and he may not want to admit it but after 3 months unless he is fantastic fun and great in bed I think I would look elsewhere .But I do not go for moody silent blokes!
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Scotney)
Maybe he is having a hard time with his Phd or is struggling with depression.Bottom line is you have a communication problem and unless you two are able to talk to each other about how you are feeling you are going nowhere fast.Many people do not have a great phd experience and he may not want to admit it but after 3 months unless he is fantastic fun and great in bed I think I would look elsewhere .But I do not go for moody silent blokes!
But he seems relaxed ???
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StriderHort
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
But he seems relaxed ???
seems.
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Anonymous #1
#9
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#9
(Original post by StriderHort)
seems.
But if he was struggling he wouldn't be going out this much???
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StriderHort
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#10
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#10
(Original post by Anonymous)
But if he was struggling he wouldn't be going out this much???
He might? Stress does odd things to people and they don't always wear it clearly on their sleeves.
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Anonymous #1
#11
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(Original post by StriderHort)
He might? Stress does odd things to people and they don't always wear it clearly on their sleeves.
But if he's so stressed, he can't be hanging out so much all the time???
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Chicken.M.
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#12
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#12
He doesn't owe you anything lol. It's annoying having random people trynna mooch off you while offering nothing in return. I always ignore those people.

You need to come to people offering value instead of expecting things from them for nothing. Otherwise they'll just see you as a nuisance at best.
Last edited by Chicken.M.; 3 months ago
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Faith.A
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#13
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#13
The way I see it is people make time and effort for the things they care about. If you observe that his actions would suggest he doesn't then take it for what it is. Granted that's easier said than done. Perhaps draw back a bit and focus on other things/ people.

Some people are really competitive and they may think that helping you puts you in a better position than them. He may not want to help because he doesn't want you surpassing him. Hence why he's so vague with his field work and not offering to help.

In any case, regardless of what the reasoning behind his actions are, he's shown himself to be cryptic and reluctant to help, so take it for what it is - a man not wanting to help. We tend to focus too much on the why (which is very understandable) but don't waste too much time on it when the end result (him being vague, unreliable and unhelpful) is the outcome he chose.
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Admit-One
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#14
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#14
Is this the chap with the messy hair who doesn't cook for himself or somesuch?
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Faith.A
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#15
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#15
Also I know you mentioned you thought he'd be a good person to get advice from but ever since talking to him he's shown you otherwise. He's disorganised, he doesn't manage his time well, he's vague with content of his fieldwork, he goes out partying etcetc and admits to all this and yet you still see him as someone worth seeking advice from? From the looks of it, it doesn't seem he is of much help to himself talk less of anyone else.
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Anonymous #1
#16
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(Original post by Faith.A)
The way I see it is people make time and effort for the things they care about. If you observe that his actions would suggest he doesn't then take it for what it is. Granted that's easier said than done. Perhaps draw back a bit and focus on other things/ people.

Some people are really competitive and they may think that helping you puts you in a better position than them. He may not want to help because he doesn't want you surpassing him. Hence why he's so vague with his field work and not offering to help.

In any case, regardless of what the reasoning behind his actions are, he's shown himself to be cryptic and reluctant to help, so take it for what it is - a man not wanting to help. We tend to focus too much on the why (which is very understandable) but don't waste too much time on it when the end result (him being vague, unreliable and unhelpful) is the outcome he chose.
He's in his 5th year while I will be starting this year. There's really nothing to be competitive about . Furthermore, love and affection between partners or couples always lead to care and help. This guy doesn't seem like he doesn't know the basics of a relationship
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Anonymous #1
#17
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(Original post by Admit-One)
Is this the chap with the messy hair who doesn't cook for himself or somesuch?
What's this about?
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Admit-One
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Anonymous)
What's this about?
Previous posts about a relationship with a staring PhD student.

As above, how's your man with self care?
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Admit-One
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
I'm the one providing value , from concern and care. All while receiving nothing in return.
Yeah, I recognise your stance on this from your previous posts. You've posted about this fella before haven't you?
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1582
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#20
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#20
He may just not want to talk to you specifically about his work. If you have a romantic relationship (which the last sentence seems to imply) then he may wish to keep the two separate.
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