How Do I cope?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#1
Well, where to begin.I will start off by saying that I am tired from everything that I have faced as a recent young (f) 21 year old marketing graduate from a strict catholic family . I am in the process of looking for a new and good paid job after lots of work experience and a current low minimum wage job but I don’t have any offers just yet instead lots of interviews.
It worries me as I don’t have any savings. I apply for new jobs everyday. I work a mix of both from the office and form home in a theatre.My father is a crazy narcissist , who my mother has a restraining order against him and her divorce is almost finalised this summer after 3 years of waiting. My mother has been unable to get a job as she got a grant from the court to cover the hearings and court applications, as getting a job her wage would go to the court. My father made my mother ill and stole her finances. She is on welfare an stays home alot. My mother has a new partner that I am scared of as he is disrespectful and when drunk he gets violent and even hit my mother and broke her tooth.I love my mother but I am tired of staying up in my room and hiding my emotions until I am alone as she thinks I am too sensitive. I don’t have any hobbies apart from reading books, I don’t see my friends. I cry almost every night but I need to pretend like nothing is wrong as she does not like it when I don’t smile. I don’t reward myself at all but I do like to go to the park and sometimes video call my friend. I am not allowed to buy any clothes for myself as my mother thinks that she knows better and i can’t wear trousers because of her new partner as it would be a disgrace ad not in his culture. I tried to tell her that her relationships have all been toxic and unhealthily but she ignores this. However my mother has been arguing with a lot as she says that i am lazy and don't do anything. She is also insisting that I should talk to a ‘good boy’ that she has found from her distant family, he is her half brothers son and she keeps on talking about me meeting him a couple of times and getting married this summer and then moving from the UK to Canada.I am not interested in this man at all and his patriarchal family, where women can't wear trousers or work but instead cook and clean all day. I tried to explain this to my mother but she says that I will never find someone myself and calls me stupid. I said that she can bring one or 100 people that she can find I will say No to them and talk to them as I am not marrying him, anyone or leaving england as he disgusts me. I find that he has similar traits to my mothers current partner. I get constantly laughed at and belittled for trying to share my thoughts and I have no other family apart from my mother, I can't drive yet either.I pay all my mothers household bills and everything else. I spend most of my time taking care of my little brother and mother, while I live with her. I have terrible anxiety and I think that I am traumatised but I can’t tell my mother or my two best female friends. My mother knows about my desire to have my own place, yet she says that I am too stupid to have one but wants me to marry.Unfortunately, I would love to move out but I don't have the option yet and my friends and they live at home plus my mother is constantly home. I feel so hopeless in a lot of things including achieving my dream of working in advertising or my first love as I never dated any guys.
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Anonymous #2
#2
Report 3 months ago
#2
Wow, it sounds like you're going through a lot and it really sucks that you're going through this while trying to navigate getting a new job and dealing with life as it is...
I'm not sure if I could give you any meaningful advice. But I want to touch on some of the things you've shared.

Good luck with the job interviews. I hope they go well, if you're having any difficulties I would suggest reaching out to your university's career/employability hub as they may be able to offer services such as interview preps, cv building etc.. that could help you secure a job. That being said I know the job market isn't great at the moment, so don't take any rejections personally, just do your best to improve for the next interview you're going to get a job at.

It is crazy difficult to save in today's world, with prices going up on everything and inflation and the fact that you're paying your mum's bills. Can I recommend doing something like the 1p saving challenges which will allow you to start saving from a small amount? I'm not sure how much you're currently earning but there is a possibility that you may be eligible for some benefits you can use this website to see.

Can I also suggest checking out some Reddit subs for your family issues, there is r/raisedbynarcissists and r/JustNoFamily. I am recommending these subs as they sometimes have useful advice on dealing with narcissistic and abusive parents which unfortunately, is what both your parents are - narcissistic and abusive. Your mother is financially abusing you by trying to control the money that you've earned and then calling you lazy, you're an adult who is limited from wearing trousers and who feels the need to smile and not show any emotion. You're also her daughter, not a second parent to your little brother. She is also trying to emotional coerce you into marrying someone you don't know and aren't interested in. She also enables her abuser.

I don't blame you for empathising with your mother or feeling the need to help financially. Your mother has clearly been through something horrible and is still going through it. I think you should focus on yourself however because as they say on planes you can't strap an oxygen mask to someone else if you haven't strapped one to yourself and can't breathe. How long can you do this for? You have nothing to prove to your mother. There shouldn't be an argument over your decisions, they should be final. If you don't want to marry someone you don't know then you're not "stupid". You shouldn't be belittled

I'm concerned you're crying at night and feel unable to share with your best friends. Things can feel worse when we feel alone and unable to share. IS there anyone else you could reach out to? Have you looked at referring yourself to IAPT services in your area or speaking to your GP?

I also want to recommend speaking to Citizens advice. There's a lot going on here and they can offer professional advice. It can seem scary to get professionals involved. But do you want your brother to experience the same feelings you are? And again, how long can you do this for?

This isn't a forever situation and you will be able to achieve things.
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 3 months ago
#3
Hello,
Thank you I have taken your advice into consideration and attended some counselling sessions earlier in the week as it seems that I still have access to my university Chaplin as well as the nhs talk therapy, which has helped and booked in.I have also looked at some reddit threads that have opened my eyes a bit as I seem to identify with Asian Families threads mostly. I am not Asian but Dutch nationality but raised in England since I was young.
I feel much better, already especially with sleeping and one of my friend’s knows about some of the stuff too.

Job wise, thanks for the reminder as I still have access to the careers services which have opened up more jobs and I have sent more applications and secured a one more interview, which is good and I have started the 1 p savings challenge too. I’ve stopped paying some of my mother’s bills and only will pay 2 of them but that still doesn’t leave much left over from my low salary and I even got an apology from her on this matter.

As for that guy things seem to have cleared up as I got a call from one of his relatives explaining that apparently this guy is not my mother’s half-brother’s son but in fact a family friends’ son, who is wealthily and educated, the same age as me. He explained that in this guy's culture women are allowed to work or stay home but they need to wear dresses, skirts and are not allowed to wear trousers. This makes things a bit better but don’t agree with the no trousers thing, but I still don’t want to be near him as he is a stranger to me. He speaks polish mostly and Russian as well as English apparently. Looks wise he resembles a skinner and Russian version of the singer maluma which is one of my mother’s favourite singers.
I tried to reason with my mother with the fact that I don’t want to talk to him, but she did not agree. I told her that I don’t love him, and I am not ready to be with any guy. My mother responded with the fact 'it's time to grow up and not have a baby brain anymore as I had you when I was 24', she had confidence though and had been 'dating' my father for years before setting down , after meeting him at school.

She said that love comes later in a relationship and that there is no such thing as love at first sight. She said that in the end if I don’t want to be with him then I obviously don’t have to, but she explained that we will have to talk, video call then he will come to over with his family and stay over asking me if I want to marry him, and that I will visit him there too. (I am not going anywhere). Then she said, ‘you can marry him if you like him over the summer’ as there is no dating in this man’s culture’ so if you marry him then you move in with him in Canada, have kids and then get to know him.
She said that ‘ I will talk to him whenever I like it or not as she said that I haven’t found anyone and that I am old and I will never find someone myself as I don’t go out and he is the ‘best’ that I can do as there are much prettier younger ladies than me ‘as I wear glasses and am a bit overweight. I am tall with a slim build and long brown hair.She also said that the ONLY reasons that this family will introduce to their son as they are looking for a good wife from a good family, My mother added that they it’s tradition in their culture for a man’s first wife to be a young virgin lady, which she says makes me perfect for him and if I am not then there would be no chance that I would be able to marry him. I feel mortified by this as my mother was not supposed to share this, I disclosed this many years ago when I was really young, of course she knows that I always wanted to wait till I was married or in a long-term relationship before being intimate with someone on my terms,though not hers.

She also stated the fact in an angry tone that ‘ I am am not capable of living by myself as I am too stupid and who would want a disabled young lady with arthritis , who can’t even squat to pick something up or is so clumsy that if I hurt myself , no one would help me and that I would die alone in my own house’. She also added that ‘I am slow at everything I do from cooking to cleaning and that no man will ever want me and the fact that even if did find someone that he would only use me for sex and then leave me with nothing but with blood everywhere from a broken hymen and maybe a baby to take care of’’. ( I know that I would never do such as thing as I am not interested in short term relationships). She says that her reputation matters to her and that I have to be a good girl and give this man a chance.(There would also be a big language barrier with regards to Russian and Polish).

I can’t believe that she would say such things to me and the fact that she can’t accept this, so I will not bring this up again as it always ends with a no from her. This young man has now texted me a ‘hello’ on WhatsApp a couple of days ago that I haven’t replied to, yet.
I don’t care what happens and if he does come over, I will say no. I know that there is no harm in taking but I think that she will make more problems if I don't as she has been asking every day if he’s messaged me. I try to ignore this, but it's getting annoying and making me feel a bit anxious. Today she asked why do you look awful? When it comes to my emotions, I only try to hide when I'm upset or want to cry as she always makes fun of me and release my emotions when she's not there.

I have a notebook that I remind myself that I can’t give in to what she wants to make her happy and make me miserable, that I will do what I want. I do feel as if some of this is my fault though as I never did get asked out any guy or even a valentine’s card or a date.
Not to mention that no conversations apart from a ‘hello’ or even a text message, I have never been interested in online dating though and the guys at school would always bully / laugh at me, so I spend most of my school life in the library and with no partner in p.e neither same at university. No guy friends either, I always wanted to have a guy friend .
I went to Prom with my 2 gal friends.This upsets me as I know that I need to work on myself first as I believe that I have strong trust issues as I’ve never really trusted or been close with any guy including my estranged father and other brother, so I am scared of most guys anyway and feel insecure as I have nothing interesting to say but work has helped me to be less anxious about guys as I work in a theatre,

I am a introvert and a deep thinker so maybe that's why no one likes me?

I have a distant uncle who has the same opinion as my mother and is of no help, no other close people or family but he did tell me to think of these meetings with this guy as non serious dates with no pressure to marry him , but I still need to give him a chance.I think I had a small crush on Justin Bieber growing up and Zac Efron in HSM and 17 Again, Charlie St Cloud. It's been years since I had a crush, now it's Cole sprouse though, I think that he has the most amazing mind and humour as a humble person.

I always thought that when I did meet someone that,I would be in love with a guy and that we would take it slow and date exclusively for a couple of years and then eventually get married with a winter wedding, get a house and have kids eventually. I was always the sentimental type of person over most things as I don't care about money just happiness.

Hopefully, I will be able to get a new job soon and hold down some savings before I eventually move out. I don’t feel good enough anymore and I don’t have a lot of stuff to move with me anyway. But my father still lives near us, and he is much worser that than my mother.
However, my mother is focusing on relocating to get a new home, so jobs may open up as there is not a lot going where I live. I can’t drive yet either, but I am thinking of starting to learn theory in the library and then practical driving too once I get a provisional license

I still feel lost as I don't like my current job anymore and feel like an imposter both professionally and personally when my friends have a lot of better things like their own room, desk and car not to mention clothes and social media made this ( Tik Tok) clearer as I never noticed before.One of my friends has moved out with her boyfriend and my other friend drives and lives at home with her parents but they are good gal friends that I have been friends with since high school.
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