The Student Room Group

Am I not inlove anymore?

Hello! I'm 19 year old female and I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 2 years now. He is my first boyfriend so I can say that I don't have a lot of experience in relationships and everything I know about them is from movies or books. I can say that I'm happy with him but I'm asking my question in the title of this because I have started to compare our relationship to relationships in those books and movies that I have been watching. In them girls explain how kissing their boyfriend makes their insides burst into flames or how they have this burning passion, how they always have butterflies in their stomach or how their skin is burning or they get goosebumps when he touches them somewhere and so many other bodily reactions to everything their boyfriend does. And then there is me... I had butterflies in my stomach the first few months of us dating and I don't remember any since then, also I don't get goosebumps of anything like that when he touches me, when we kiss it's not that inside melting feeling, when we have sex it's not that passionate experience. Everything feels dull compared to the romance books and movies. I know that probably for the sake of the book or movie everything might be exaggerated but since he is my only experience I don't know if I'm supposed to feel stuff like that when we do anything intimate or not intimate. I hope I don't sound stupid but I just feel broken for not feeling these things which sound so amazing and I would love to feel exactly for him.
The goosebumps is the honeymoon stage. Most people stop experiencing that after a few months. Your partner should be your best friend, if you dont enjoy spending time with them then its a sign you should break up but just because you dont experience the same ways you felt during the honeymoon stage doesn't mean you're not in love. If you have to ask a student room thread if you're no longer in love with your bf of two years then i think you might already know the answer.

Don't throw it away because you're comparing your relationship to a idealized romance novel
ummmmmm
Reply 3
Original post by realove_6
ummmmmm

Um? Thanks I guess😅
Reply 4
Original post by Anonymous
The goosebumps is the honeymoon stage. Most people stop experiencing that after a few months. Your partner should be your best friend, if you dont enjoy spending time with them then its a sign you should break up but just because you dont experience the same ways you felt during the honeymoon stage doesn't mean you're not in love. If you have to ask a student room thread if you're no longer in love with your bf of two years then i think you might already know the answer.

Don't throw it away because you're comparing your relationship to a idealized romance novel

Thank you for the answer
Reply 5
The first 'sparks' of love can be a wonderful thing to behold, it is difficult to explain what that feeling of 'being in love' is. Excitement at meeting and seeing the man of your desires, and being consumed by thinking about them every second of every day. Not wanting to be apart because they are such an important part of your life in that moment. If you are lucky any sex is passionate, consuming and pleasurable in every place and everywhere. As time progresses sometimes the passion wears off somewhat and is replaced by a deeper more fulfilling love of absolute trust and enjoyment. You know your best friend, your lover is all rolled into one and has your back and best interests at heart. Sex is still good, enjoyable, all consuming but perhaps less frequent. Its a bit like trying to keep sprinting toward the finishing line of a marathon. It's just never going to happen as the distance is too great and something called exhaustion hits. Working, children, social commitments all suddenly take over and the competing time thieves insist on taking the very last ounce of energy from you.

I think I have to ask what is it at the moment that makes you stay with this man? Do you feel obligated in any way? Are you both still deeply in love or has the relationship changes to a more platonic relationship? Sex can be very mechanical, clumsy and sometimes painful if you are both inexperienced. I'm sure a lot of newcomers to the sex scene would wonder what all the fuss was about. Good sex is about pleasuring another human being. Taking time to find likes and dislikes, off the wall stuff, what is good, bad and just ok? Part of that is good communication. There is a lot to learn and explore about yourself and your partner to have good fulfilling sex. And it is not the sex that happens in books or films (sometimes it can be) but more often its pretty basic David Attenborough stuff of function.

Are you really still in love with this man? Do you love the very bones of his body and is that sense of love that you give returned? Or has something changed? Only really you can answer that question. It is ok to acknowledge that the light has gone from the first love and to find a partner that makes your heart sing all the time?

Am I encouraging you to split from your partner? No. But I think you could probably benefit from having some one to one communication about just how happy each of you are. Your sex life can be worked on with different techniques and trial and error to find likes and dislikes If you feel there is something physically not working for you you please go and chat with your GP.

But no one can change your emotional relationship if the lights have dimmed and one of you is 'out of love' after such a short time. You need to be honest with yourself and honest with each other. Do you still want to wake up next to this man every day from now for several decades? Take your time. You have a lifetime ahead of you to commit to and to find the man of your dreams.

You owe it to yourself to find a partner with whom your heart sings every time you see them. Then that flutter of your heart skipping a beat when you see them, as your lover, your best friend, your soulmate will last a lifetime and be free of huge heartache.
Reply 6
Do these romance novels and movies cover the part where you are together in bed and he puts his cold feet on you and steals the covers and snores, or one of you needs to sort out the greasy rubbish after beers and takeaway pizza, or you are hunting for a sock while sorting the laundry and he eventually admits it's an odd one and not a pair? Course they don't, because your average rom-com audience want hearts and flowers and rainbows, not real life!

Kissing and sex is only part of a relationship; you have to deal with the lows and plateaus of the everyday as well as the highs. It's the company, someone to have your back, and with whom you can share things from that knowing smile to in-jokes, and where you can sit together in silence and be comfortable. If you are happy with your boyfriend without the Hollywood filter, don't spoil it.
Reply 7
Original post by Surnia
Do these romance novels and movies cover the part where you are together in bed and he puts his cold feet on you and steals the covers and snores, or one of you needs to sort out the greasy rubbish after beers and takeaway pizza, or you are hunting for a sock while sorting the laundry and he eventually admits it's an odd one and not a pair? Course they don't, because your average rom-com audience want hearts and flowers and rainbows, not real life!

Kissing and sex is only part of a relationship; you have to deal with the lows and plateaus of the everyday as well as the highs. It's the company, someone to have your back, and with whom you can share things from that knowing smile to in-jokes, and where you can sit together in silence and be comfortable. If you are happy with your boyfriend without the Hollywood filter, don't spoil it.

Thank you! I just thought that I have to feel something when we kiss or have sex rather than nothing but from all the answers I guess it's normal to not feel anything if you feel good in his company. I hope you don't judge me for my lack of experience but I have only ever kissed him and reading about all these feeling in books I thought that something was wrong with me for not ever feeling anything even similar to all that.

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