Asclepeion's quarter life crisis [TW]

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asclepeion
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#1
Report Thread starter 4 months ago
#1
TD;LR - I finally got into med school and I'm rethinking everything

TW: mentions of depression and suicide

As some of you may know, I've been an aspiring medic for however many graduate entry medicine cycles it's been now.

Today, after years of applying for GEM, I received my first offer only to feel absolutely nothing at all except the continuation of the crippling depression I've felt for a good 1.5 decades, which is really all I've ever known. The feeling of relief and euphoria that should have come with an offer has sadly been clouded by my depression, a consultant colleague's suicide and a break-up with someone I was building a life with, all within the same week.

For so many years, my identity has been tied to two things:
  1. depression
  2. being a med applicant

Today, one of those has ended and I feel a bit lost because I truly didn't actually expect to ever see the end of this application journey. I'm aware it feels ungrateful of me to say/feel all this because really, I should be so lucky to have an offer after 4 GEM cycles.

I want to say my offer was hard work but I think much more than that, it was luck and I believe it's something people don't credit enough. The hard work was in the application itself but I personally felt like the interviews weren't really down to me at all or my prep. It didn't help that many offer holders I spoke to said they got lucky with their interviews/interviewers and the kinds of questions asked, especially for more subjective panel interviews.

Medicine is something I've wanted for a long time and persisted with and I didn't want to have spent a good half decade trying to get in as a graduate for it to all have been for nothing, hence continuous reapplications. The danger of course, was potentially wasting 10-15 years applying for GEM and never getting in, which is now something I don't have to worry about.

I'm very grateful to the TSR community for answering questions, sharing links and bits of wisdom to help me on this journey. I've also had a bit of a rough few months (or years really) where after all this effort, I'm now potentially reconsidering medicine in favour of a PhD with a fantastic, supportive supervisor who is also happy for me to drop out of the PhD if I change my mind and end up choosing medicine. The application cycles have taken their toll on me and I feel so exhausted at how much I've sacrificed that the thought of never having to sit the entrance exams ever again hasn't even hit me, I'm past the point of caring. Walking in knowing the sacrifices required for medicine doesn't make it any easier to go through and I'm already lucky that I don't have any dependents and a family to uproot.

I've decided to create this wellbeing blog because it's very clear that I need some help with mine and perhaps posting on the internet will help me with accountability towards certain wellbeing goals and general personal growth. Ideally, this won't be something I neglect after a couple weeks/months as is so often the case whenever I have a new goal.

My wellbeing goals for 2022:
  • Cardiovascular exercise at least 4 times a week for 30 mins.
  • 10,000 steps a day - find a way to do this even if WFH maybe download Pokemon Go or something idk.
  • Keep a daily gratitude journal, no matter how small e.g., I'm grateful the sky is blue.
  • Do one thing a day that will benefit future me, even if I hate it.
  • Do one thing a week that is purely for fun even if it costs a lot - life is for the living and all I've been doing is surviving.
  • Learn to let go of anger towards the world.
  • Remove this victim mentality when my hard work and sacrifices doesn't pay off. The world doesn't owe me anything and it's always been unfair. That will not change.


I have realised some of these are not SMART goals and probably won't be completed in 2022 or a set time-frame because it's a process but oh well. I hope to be doing post updates every so often to keep track.

If anyone is interested, I can also do a separate post here or somewhere else about my stats and the multiple GEM applications and journey.
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BurstingBubbles
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#2
Report 4 months ago
#2
(Original post by asclepeion)
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Just seen this! Welcome to the wellbeing blogs section! I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time and I hope things start to improve soon. I hope the goals help towards this too :yep:
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asclepeion
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#3
Report Thread starter 2 months ago
#3
BurstingBubbles okay lol this didn't quite work out the way I intended - I only remembered because I've been getting tagged to update

Been super, super busy with a new job which I absolutely love to bits and has massively helped with my depression
Didn't quite realise just how detrimental a job could be to my mental health if I absolutely hated every part of it

I HAVE TWO OFFERS FOR MED SCHOOL NOW!

Just waiting on the last one now, so that makes 4/4 interviews, 1 rejection, 2 offers, and 1 awaiting decision
Only took me 4 GEM cycles lol
I'm now actually excited to start medicine and the doubts have mostly been removed because I've recently come to terms and accepted a lot of things I've lost and what this journey has cost me. Can't get off the train now lol

Does running to catch the bus to/from work and the morning rush to get ready and leave the house in 15 mins count as cardiovascular exercise? If so, I have been definitely doing that 5 days a week and that is probably the only thing I've been doing aside from quitting my previous job to improve mental health

Might end up turning this into a weekly checklist type thread to better keep track of what I have done
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BurstingBubbles
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#4
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#4
(Original post by asclepeion)
BurstingBubbles okay lol this didn't quite work out the way I intended - I only remembered because I've been getting tagged to update

Been super, super busy with a new job which I absolutely love to bits and has massively helped with my depression
Didn't quite realise just how detrimental a job could be to my mental health if I absolutely hated every part of it

I HAVE TWO OFFERS FOR MED SCHOOL NOW!

Just waiting on the last one now, so that makes 4/4 interviews, 1 rejection, 2 offers, and 1 awaiting decision
Only took me 4 GEM cycles lol
I'm now actually excited to start medicine and the doubts have mostly been removed because I've recently come to terms and accepted a lot of things I've lost and what this journey has cost me. Can't get off the train now lol

Does running to catch the bus to/from work and the morning rush to get ready and leave the house in 15 mins count as cardiovascular exercise? If so, I have been definitely doing that 5 days a week and that is probably the only thing I've been doing aside from quitting my previous job to improve mental health

Might end up turning this into a weekly checklist type thread to better keep track of what I have done
Congratulations! That's amazing :woo:

All sounding really positive, so happy for you!

A weekly checklist and check in sort of thing would be great
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micholate9
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#5
Report 1 month ago
#5
(Original post by asclepeion)
BurstingBubbles okay lol this didn't quite work out the way I intended - I only remembered because I've been getting tagged to update

Been super, super busy with a new job which I absolutely love to bits and has massively helped with my depression
Didn't quite realise just how detrimental a job could be to my mental health if I absolutely hated every part of it

I HAVE TWO OFFERS FOR MED SCHOOL NOW!

Just waiting on the last one now, so that makes 4/4 interviews, 1 rejection, 2 offers, and 1 awaiting decision
Only took me 4 GEM cycles lol
I'm now actually excited to start medicine and the doubts have mostly been removed because I've recently come to terms and accepted a lot of things I've lost and what this journey has cost me. Can't get off the train now lol

Does running to catch the bus to/from work and the morning rush to get ready and leave the house in 15 mins count as cardiovascular exercise? If so, I have been definitely doing that 5 days a week and that is probably the only thing I've been doing aside from quitting my previous job to improve mental health

Might end up turning this into a weekly checklist type thread to better keep track of what I have done
I'm so happy to hear you're excited about medicine now!! Which offer will you pick?

Also very sorry about everything that's happened. Your colleague's suicide must have been such a shock. I hope you're getting support.

Best of luck with your wellbeing journey. After suffering from depression for like 10 years, I'm finally starting to feel like i might win the battle. I wish the same for you!
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Lilou_18
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#6
Report 1 month ago
#6
Congratulations on your offers! I’m also a GEM student, first time applicant and was very fortunate to get 2 offers, 1 waitlist and 1 rejection. I ended up choosing an undergrad course which I’m excited but also very nervous for. What have you decided to do?
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