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Any one willing to mark my gcse eng lang question 5 ?

June 2019 paper 1 aqa:

Just when life couldn’t get any worse, the whole earth turned its back on me.

I was abandoned.

Toby. I loved him with all my heart. He was my first love. My only love. We met when we were only 16 with our whole lives ahead of us with a shared wish to spend our years together. I met him on the 22/2/22 on a park bench watching the sunrise; the second I saw him he caught my eye, while the 2 hours we spent together felt like 2 seconds. I knew we were meant to be together, every second we were apart felt like a year while every moment was a memory in a blink of an eye. I loved him with all my heart, even at the young age of 16. I knew I would never love anyone the way I loved Toby.

But on an ordinary Saturday, my heart shattered. I got a phone call. The dreaded phone call. My Mum, Dad, Sister and Brother all died in a plane crash. All my loved ones were gone apart from Toby. It was the plane we were supposed to go on, as the pain only grew a dark part of me wished I too were on that plane so my heart wouldn’t feel so heavy. But my heart reminded me at least I had toby. When I was lost he was my guide. The light in the darkness. Before it, all turned to darkness!

He seemed off one day like he was fixed in a gaze yet he was as loving and gentle as ever. He went to work just like any day. Yet he hugged me tighter than ever. The warm embrace in which I could have been held in forever. Something was off. He even stood at the door adjared looked into my eyes as he said he loved me. It was 1:00 pm his lunch break, at which time he would always send me a text. But not today! It was 6:15 pm. He was never late home, just like how he always contacted me at lunch, but not today. Something wasn’t right. The mere 15 minutes made my heart pound.

Where is he? Is he ok? I called him 3 times but there was no answer. So I called the office. “Is Toby there, he hasn’t been in touch today and is never late home.” I quired in a panic-stricken tone, to which they replied “No sorry he hasn’t been in today”. My heart stopped. Just as I was about to dial 999, I got a text. It read-” I’m sorry Tabitha, I love you but I couldn't fight anymore”. I screamed as my soul left my body. I rang him more times than I can remember, I texted him and texted him but no reply. Until I got a call.

A call that made me question if I could keep on fighting.

Just when life couldn’t get any worse, the whole earth turned its back on me.

I was abandoned.
You will now get flagged for plagarism - delete thispost immediatly.
Original post by McGinger
You will now get flagged for plagarism - delete thispost immediatly.

Chill, this isn’t coursework - It’s a question they did at home, for practice. It isn’t going to be submitted anywhere (the only way this question is assessed is via a question on the Gcse paper, but the question will be different during the exam)
Marking notes:

Good use of a cyclical structure
Some effective use of imagery, but could be developed further
No use of extended linguistic devices (extended metaphor / semantic fields)
Effective and sustained use of paragraphing
Some improper sentence structure occasionally hinders communication

I would place this answer in Lower Level 3, mark for content (13-15 / 24). If I had to give an exact mark, I would say 13/24.

Some varied use of vocabulary
Some attempts at compound and complex sentence structures, but use of punctuation and connectives is often inconsistent
Correct usage of a semicolon, but followed by inaccurate usage of connectives.
No usage of a colon
Some misspellings

I would place it at a high level 2 (8/16 marks)

Approximate total: (21/40)

However, keep in mind that although I am a Grade 9 English student, I am not a teacher and therefore there is no guarantee that my marking is fully accurate.

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