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I can't take this anymore, I really hate my life.

I don't know why I'm doing this - I suppose it's probably just a craving for attention, and I honestly don't know where to begin. I suppose I'll just start by saying, I'm really sorry for you to have to read this, but I guess I need someone else's opinion on my life - an outside view.

I really, really hate my life. I mean I don't just dislike it, I hate it. I hate the person that I am, I hate how lowly and pathetic I make myself feel as I'm typing these very words, and the fact that I feel a downright disgust towards myself - I can't look at myself. To be completely honest, I've never taken my own photograph, I never look at myself in the mirror, and I never let others take photographs of me.

My grandma passed away just a day before I got my AS results, and that really broke me down. I got sub-par results (although I'm glad I can salvage some dignity from them). I also HATE the school I go to - I used to go to a private school in a middle-class area, and now I'm in the "ghetto" (so to speak) where I feel as though I'm a social outcast because I pronounce my "t" sounds and don't say "innit" and "safe" every sentence. I know this sounds really pretentious and makes me seem like I think I'm better than everyone else, but I don't - I've been bullied in the past, and come to think of it, I'm still being mentally bullied now. I've endured an entire year of this, but I'm dreading to do any more... I just can't do it...

I hate the people at my school - I hate the fact that ever since I've gone there, I've driven myself to both alcohol and gaming addiction (Yes, I know). I hate going out of the house, and I think I'm depressed - I hate getting up in the morning and going to school every day, just to put on a thick coat and pretend all of their taunting and jeering at me and the way I speak ("'posh' and 'bare stupid') and the fact that apparently, I'm not a REAL Indian. Apparently just because I don't speak like everyone else, I'm not liable to be classed as like anyone else.

Obviously, I've got no friends apart from those that I had before I came here who I can only keep MSN contact with. I sort of sit in the library every break/lunch doing homework, and when I come home I just drown myself in booze and gaming... that's it, really. Go to sleep at 9, get up again, do it all again. For the next ~200 days. I really, really hate this. I'm a geek, but at least I'm not pretending to be something I'm not.

For the past year I've sort of adopted the belief that university is the only way I can steer myself to... but what can I do? I've just recently had more suicidal thoughts recently and I thought I'd need to do something about it - I mean, I was thinking of phoning up Samaritans, but I don't think I can bear to speak to someone about this, so I decided to type it out and post on a forum. Not much of a difference really, I guess the latter is just more pathetic... God, seriously, any advice would help...

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Haven't posted on here before now, but just saw your message and felt I had to..

Life sounds **** at the moment, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You're going through an extremely difficult time and there probably doesn't appear to be a light at the end of the tunnel. However, suicide is definitely not the answer.

Everyone goes through difficult times, and perspective does help with these things. There are people with far bigger problems than you who remain hopeful that things will get better, and this is crucial in their survival. By believing that things will get better (you probably believe they can't get much worse), you take the first step to improving your life.

I'm obviously not very experienced at dealing with things like this but I would urge you to push these negative thoughts out of your mind and focus on getting to university, where you can create a new identity for yourself and reinvent your image.

Hope this helps..
For the past year I've sort of adopted the belief that university is the only way I can steer myself to...

I'm reassuring myself with that, too.

But that's beside the point..
I'd suggest getting in touch with a professional about it all.
A friend of mine was recently diagnosed with severe depression and has been having counselling and has made a visible improvement.. then again, it's really difficult to go to somebody like that.. but if you've recognised that you have a problem then it seems as though you're making a step towards making yourself feel better.
oh, in fact.. she mentioned that her counsellor talks to people over msn and such, so maybe you could find somebody like that if you're not comfortable talking face to face or over the phone..?

Would it be possible to meet up with your friends who you talk to over msn? to talk with them (or your parents perhaps? ) about how you're feeling, it might make you feel better to talk to somebody about it.
Eeh, I wish I could be of more help..


eta:

I suppose it's probably just a craving for attention,

many people who are depressed have this thought running through their head.. and in fact it can make you feel worse. I assure you, the way you're feeling isn't how you're supposed to be, but it's not your fault, so please don't beat yourself up about it..

There are people with far bigger problems than you who remain hopeful that things will get better, and this is crucial in their survival. By believing that things will get better (you probably believe they can't get much worse), you take the first step to improving your life.

I agree with what you mentioned about focusing on university etc. but asking people to think about people that are in worse situations tends to make them think they're in the wrong for being unhappy- feeding the depressive feelings..


also, depression usually arises from low self esteem. Can you remember times when you felt good about yourself and what made you feel this way? Perhaps try and get reinvolved with those kinds of behaviours..
OP I am really sorry Im not going to add anything too helpful but I just wanted to say:

Chin Up and Smile. I believe that if you go into Uni you will see a whole new world. You will make new friends and you will really enjoy your life.

Im guessing you are doing A Levels now - therefore its a few months until you can go into the world of Uni. It will fly by - trust me.

Smile :smile: Take Care
Reply 4
I get that it's probably a bit difficult but if you wanna talk on msn, I'd really like to get to know you a bit. Pm me if you like.
Reply 5
freaky_t
I get that it's probably a bit difficult but if you wanna talk on msn, I'd really like to get to know you a bit. Pm me if you like.


Same, really. I'm feeling pretty similar to you right now. I'm slightly better off in the sense that my college situation isn't as bad, but yeah.

You'll probably get a small number of stupid responses, but I think talking to strangers about your problems is much better than to somebody you already know.
Op first of all Alcohol is a depressant and is probably making you feel 100x worse :frown: :hugs:

If sixthform is making you feel suicidal I suggest you leave and start somewhere different next year? When your heads in a better place.

You can't keep up with something that's making you feel this ****. Also see your GP for anti depressants :smile:
I really do think you sound depressed, and not surprisingly when you think of what you have had to put up with. The death of your Grandma probably set things off and everything else as well now seems too much. Do you have a Dr you can get to as I'm sure they would be very sympathetic and be able to help you.

I can't offer any different advice than anyone else other than this. Hope you try and get the help available and soon feel better. Please try your Dr though!
See your doctor...maybe anti-depressants?
Reply 9
Please, hang on in there, things will get better. Try to talk to someone (Parents, friends from your old school, Samaratans). Set a goal and go for it.
Get yourself down to your GP and tell him you feel depressed. This is something that can be fixed.

Personally, I've never found the Samaritans particularly helpful, but emailing them does at least make me feel that someone out there knows my problems.
Well, I don't think loading up on anti-depressants is probably the best way to tackle this.

I've been bullied in the past (many years ago) and it's not a nice feeling .....feeling an outsider is also quite common, and moving to a different school just adds to that.

I know how hard it can be, if you think you're in rut...just doing things like a robot - but in my opinion (I'm not giving advice - I'm not in any position to do so) I think that just getting on with things that you enjoy and make you feel more cheerful will probably be my safest bet. Surround yourself with family (they know you best - especially when asian :wink:) and arrange to meet up with old friends. It can be difficult to integrate at a new school - especially if you're only there for a short period of time....but all I can say, is just be as friendly as possible - and break as many of their sterotypes as possible! - it probably the case that a lot of them don't really know how to react around you - and prob think your snobbish or posh.... - try and show them otherwise.


As for the drinking and gaming...if this is really out of control (which I think it may be) get professional help - that is one too many battles to fight on your own.

Good luck!
Go to the GP. Phone the Samaritans. Join a club or something.

Most importantly, TALK.
Look mate, I can relate to your situation a lot. I was addicted to gaming because I really didnt like my school either, world of warcraft *cough*....

But yeah, suicide is definitely not an option, the old cliche that its a quitters way out is the way i look at it. You're an individual, your own person and keep it that way. Life can suck at times, but think how much you would ruin your parents lives if you were to commit suicide.

Your best bet is to 1. Go to a GP and explain your situation about your depression and alcoholism. Like what a very wise person said earlier in the forum, alcohol is indeed a depressant and so it'll only make you feel worse. 2. Let it be known your being bullied, you shouldn't have to deal with that. 3. Exercise! Doctors are now starting to prescribe people with depression with exercise!!! It releases endorphins that make us feel good :biggrin:.

Anyways, thats my little bit of advice, just keep going and you'll be alright, cut down on the gaming though, theres a lot more to life than staring at a computer screen, trust me, i've been there!
Hey, hang in there. My advise firstly would be to stop the drinking, it only makes you more depressed in the long run and will just continue this bleak cycle. Please see a counsellor of some sort as it is evident you are suffering from depression, I think it will help you massively as the advice is confindetial and you can talk to a nuetral source....you can vent all you want! :smile: The more you talk the more you find your problems loosening up.

This sounds trivial, but I find immersing myself in music helpful sometimes, as well as having regular walks. I understand your curent predicament (I'm in a predominantly middle class sixth form and made to feel like an outsider because I'm working class no matter how friendly I am with them), but its only 6th months! Hang in there! Daydreaming works wonders and makes me happy, its nice to think of the future because its motivation to keep you going. I like to set myself mini goals for each day too to keep myself busy and not worry so much...I find this really helps. Even silly things that make you feel good like painting your nails!

Good luck with everything x
Reply 15
I just wanna say i feel the same way about my life right now and i wish we could be friends, I'm a gamer as well. I have xbox live, if you ever want to hang out or talk my e-mail address is [email protected] I'm not a kid, by the way, I'm 18 and my name is Erin. Hope I hear from you.
You could always catch a snorlax. That makes anyone smile, even Alan Rickman
Your not alone I really hate my life too. i spent most of the year on my own. We live in a sick world which just seems to get sicker by the day.
My pets help and I try to keep busy but most of the time I just want to sleep. I hate waking up I just want to die in my sleep. I think how long it would be until my body was found. I have two cat which gives me a reason to get out of bed.
We just started a new year. I hope 2016 will be better for everyone but for myself I not going to be here for much longer. I want to die and for the emptiness I feel inside to end.
I spent the vast majority of my high school years being tormented by my peers, physically and verbally. I was depressed, felt like I had no future, felt like I was unattractive. I was a social outcast, always spending my free time at home playing video games. That was my life. Go to school, get bullied, go home, play games.

College wasn't much better, but the bullying subsided somewhat.

But, things began to work out for me. I worked hard, and I didn't stop, no matter how much I wanted to. I just kept at it because I knew it was the only way things would ever get better again.

Keep at it. Smile. Be yourself. You'll fight through the bull****. I promise you. I did, and so can you!
OP whenever you feel low and down about yourself remember this:

You have to fight through the bad days to earn the best days of your life.

What you are going through are the bad days in your life. Learn to battle them and see them as obstacles that are there in life for you to overcome. Believe me there will be a time later on in your life when you will look back on these particular days and think to yourself "wow, I cant believe I used to let those things get to me"

All the very best :smile: