This discussion is now closed.
Check out other Related discussions
- how to comfort friend
- Am I overthinking?
- when ur sad, how do u lift urself up?
- Didn't attend friends fathers funeral
- Dealing with unexpected bad news
- year 11 gyg 🎀
- crying in class
- I need help please
- How good is this 30 maker? illiad
- Not got a job since graduating nearly 3 years:worried my degree is now stale
- Contextual offer Queens University Belfast
- Still having flashbacks
- Othello a level helpppp
- can someone mark my q5 pls!
- Grieving my Mum
- Edexcel A-Level English Literature, Drama, Hamlet 2023
- Placed on reserve list PhD- advice
- zoology degrees
- Is it normal for your gf to eat all your food?
- do you think we should be allowed to do homework in detention instead of essays ?
Dealing with Grief
I thought that I would post here because I really don't know what else I can do.
My mother died about two and a half weeks ago now and I still doesn't seem to have hit me. I am sad that she is gone but I am not as upset as I feel that I should be. After she died we went through the motions and planned the funeral and while it was sad it was more surreal than anything. Now I am back at university and it doesn't feel like anything has changed. I know that I should be really upset and I want to be really upset but I'm not I'm just sort of numb.
She had MS and had been unwell for a long time however her dying still wasn't really expected. When she was in hospital the doctors were talking about when she came out rather than if she came out and I wonder if I am just in shock.
I suppose what I am wondering really in this rambling post is whether this is normal. I know that there isn't really a normal when it comes to grieving for someone but is it possible that it still hasn't hit me and that I am just going to collapse in a a few weeks? I haven't really lost anyone who is close to me before. My grandfather died when I was 10 and a few family friends have but that's really different to this.
I want to get through this because I know that is what she would want. But I don't think that I have even started yet and to be honest I don't really know what I am doing.
I hope that makes sense
My mother died about two and a half weeks ago now and I still doesn't seem to have hit me. I am sad that she is gone but I am not as upset as I feel that I should be. After she died we went through the motions and planned the funeral and while it was sad it was more surreal than anything. Now I am back at university and it doesn't feel like anything has changed. I know that I should be really upset and I want to be really upset but I'm not I'm just sort of numb.
She had MS and had been unwell for a long time however her dying still wasn't really expected. When she was in hospital the doctors were talking about when she came out rather than if she came out and I wonder if I am just in shock.
I suppose what I am wondering really in this rambling post is whether this is normal. I know that there isn't really a normal when it comes to grieving for someone but is it possible that it still hasn't hit me and that I am just going to collapse in a a few weeks? I haven't really lost anyone who is close to me before. My grandfather died when I was 10 and a few family friends have but that's really different to this.
I want to get through this because I know that is what she would want. But I don't think that I have even started yet and to be honest I don't really know what I am doing.
I hope that makes sense
Sorry to hear about that!
You will mourn in your own time, and that time will come, trust me.
There is no set way to mourn, everyone deals with it differently and so be the way you feel, don't think "Oh wait, I should be sad". Go with it, you will come round to it when everything sinks in. This is a good thing for you (when the mourning comes) cos it allowed you to overcome something and helps you move on and until you do this, things will go on in your mind like "Should I feel this way" etc. Its not the in the films where people break down in tears at the sight of a death.
For now try and live life as you would and like I said, go with your feelings and don't think of what you should be feeling! People get so stung up on this that they forget about normal life.
If you feel you have to, speak to your GP, they can help with things like this and sometimes just talking to someone can help a lot. Friends and close family members will also help.
And finally, try to think positive.
You will mourn in your own time, and that time will come, trust me.
There is no set way to mourn, everyone deals with it differently and so be the way you feel, don't think "Oh wait, I should be sad". Go with it, you will come round to it when everything sinks in. This is a good thing for you (when the mourning comes) cos it allowed you to overcome something and helps you move on and until you do this, things will go on in your mind like "Should I feel this way" etc. Its not the in the films where people break down in tears at the sight of a death.
For now try and live life as you would and like I said, go with your feelings and don't think of what you should be feeling! People get so stung up on this that they forget about normal life.
If you feel you have to, speak to your GP, they can help with things like this and sometimes just talking to someone can help a lot. Friends and close family members will also help.
And finally, try to think positive.
I think its normal, people deal with grief differently. when my friend died, i didnt cry at all, wheras my other friend was in meltdown. it was only after a year that it hit me she wasnt coming back and i kind of grieved then. i still think somedays ill just ring her but i still dont think ive come to terms with it over 2 yrs later. the same with my Gran who dies 5 years ago at age of 53, i still dont think its sunk in and that i havent grieved properly. But if this is how you deal with it, its fine. just dont feel like you cant speak about it. Are you keeping yourself really busy, because sometimes when you sit back and reflect it can become real.
Personally, even though it hit me straight away, it took me years to actually get over it.
I'd maybe suggest seeing your uni counselor, just to ramble on about exactly how you feel... Even if all you do is speak, it might help in the future. Also, to have someone who listens to you and doesn't judge you when you say what could seem the silliest of things, can be a really good way of 'getting over it', so to speak.
Also, how about Cruse Bereavement Care? I think they have a phone number, as well as trained counselors to talk to, specifically for the grieved.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I'm very sorry for your loss <3
Time is a healer, but you might just be in a sort of shock over it all. Or maybe you might have been subconsciously getting yourself ready for it all along, and therefore it's not hit you as badly as it could have if it had been sudden.
Feel free to PM me, as a grieved person myself, I like to think I know a little on the subject. I also like to think that it happened to me so I can help others, which is generally what I try to do =)
I'd maybe suggest seeing your uni counselor, just to ramble on about exactly how you feel... Even if all you do is speak, it might help in the future. Also, to have someone who listens to you and doesn't judge you when you say what could seem the silliest of things, can be a really good way of 'getting over it', so to speak.
Also, how about Cruse Bereavement Care? I think they have a phone number, as well as trained counselors to talk to, specifically for the grieved.
Everyone grieves in their own way, and I'm very sorry for your loss <3
Time is a healer, but you might just be in a sort of shock over it all. Or maybe you might have been subconsciously getting yourself ready for it all along, and therefore it's not hit you as badly as it could have if it had been sudden.
Feel free to PM me, as a grieved person myself, I like to think I know a little on the subject. I also like to think that it happened to me so I can help others, which is generally what I try to do =)
I'm sorry about the loss of your mother. To be honest, I cannot identify because I've never really lost anyone that close but all I know is that it takes time. It's a gradual process and just don't rush it. Cry when you want to and if you can't that's OK. Just do what you feel is best about it but try not to bottle anything up.
Some people (myself included) go kind of numb when something like this happens - I know what you mean when you say you didnt feel as sad as you 'should' have done.
It may be that you will feel like this for some time (maybe its a subconscious defense mechanism?) and then the floodgates will open when you least expect it and the emotions will come flooding out (this is what happens to me and its darned inconvenient!).
You just have to give it time, and like the previous poster said, talk about your mum to people who know you and understand.
*hugs* xx
It may be that you will feel like this for some time (maybe its a subconscious defense mechanism?) and then the floodgates will open when you least expect it and the emotions will come flooding out (this is what happens to me and its darned inconvenient!).
You just have to give it time, and like the previous poster said, talk about your mum to people who know you and understand.
*hugs* xx
I don’t know how much use this will be to you...
You know that everyone grieves differently but that there tend to be 5 stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People can go through all of these steps, at different times or only some of them, and in any order. It sounds at the moment, that you are in the acceptance stage but there’s no guarantee that that’s where you will stay and it’s always possible that you might go through the other stages at some point as well. Though you did mention that you felt you weren’t starting to get over things so it’s difficult to tell really I think.
I think that if you feel you should be upset, you might end up feeling guilty which is not likely to help you get on with things.
I agree with other people suggesting that time is one of the best healers. Take advantage of anything offered by the uni in terms of help as well.
Don’t know whether I sound more like a medical student trying to show off knowledge I’m trying to be sympathetic and helpful so apologise if I sound more like the above!
You know that everyone grieves differently but that there tend to be 5 stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. People can go through all of these steps, at different times or only some of them, and in any order. It sounds at the moment, that you are in the acceptance stage but there’s no guarantee that that’s where you will stay and it’s always possible that you might go through the other stages at some point as well. Though you did mention that you felt you weren’t starting to get over things so it’s difficult to tell really I think.
I think that if you feel you should be upset, you might end up feeling guilty which is not likely to help you get on with things.
I agree with other people suggesting that time is one of the best healers. Take advantage of anything offered by the uni in terms of help as well.Don’t know whether I sound more like a medical student trying to show off knowledge
I’m trying to be sympathetic and helpful so apologise if I sound more like the above!kate0904
Don’t know whether I sound more like a medical student trying to show off knowledge I’m trying to be sympathetic and helpful so apologise if I sound more like the above!
Don’t know whether I sound more like a medical student trying to show off knowledge
I’m trying to be sympathetic and helpful so apologise if I sound more like the above!You do know that the OP's a 4th year med student too? Hehe
I'm sorry to hear this 
I know how you feel, to some extent anyway. My father died of Cancer a few years ago, when I was about 15 years old. I remember it vividly and still get reoccurring nightmares about the day of his death. I can relate to what you're saying about how you feel like it's more surreal than sad and how nothing seems to have changed- this is exactly how I felt. I often thought I should feel far more upset than I actually was- but I eventually realised I was just numb from the grief. I was absolutely distraught that he'd died- he was the closest person to me so I'd lost a father and my best friend. In a way, I kind of liked how my family got so close through it- we saw more of each other, mainly to consolidate, arrange the funeral, talk about him etc and I 'enjoyed' that. But I also kept thinking to myself "I should be more upset than this, I should be crying my heart out every minute, I should be generally depressed" etc... but I just felt numb, I felt sick and tired of crying, I didn't want to cry any more because I didn't want to upset my mum and brother. So I pretended as if nothing happened. I think it's normal. I don't know why I acted that way, but I kind of regret it in hindsight. My friend's even avoided me for a while because they didn't know how to react- they assumed I'd go off on one if they even mentioned my dad, or THEIR dad for that matter. Or they'd assume that I'd get offended if they so much as to laughed in front of me. But the truth of it is, all I really wanted was for someone to sit me down and talk to me- ask me about him, ask what it was like etc. I guess it looked like that I was ok and they didn't want to bring it up. But all I can suggest for you is to try and talk to your friends, or your nearest and dearest because this is something I wish I'd have done. Instead, I ignored it and hoped it would get better- which it did, don't get me wrong, but it took a lot more time than it should have done. I don't think it's something which anyone can just 'get over'. It'll stay with you forever, but eventually, instead of remembering the bad times, like I did for years (mainly seeing my dad in pain, going through chemo, operations and lying on his death bed), eventually you'll remember the good things about your mum. As I do now. Sorry this has been more of a ramble and beside the point but it was almost like attempting some free-association writing. Weird.
I know how you feel, to some extent anyway. My father died of Cancer a few years ago, when I was about 15 years old. I remember it vividly and still get reoccurring nightmares about the day of his death. I can relate to what you're saying about how you feel like it's more surreal than sad and how nothing seems to have changed- this is exactly how I felt. I often thought I should feel far more upset than I actually was- but I eventually realised I was just numb from the grief. I was absolutely distraught that he'd died- he was the closest person to me so I'd lost a father and my best friend. In a way, I kind of liked how my family got so close through it- we saw more of each other, mainly to consolidate, arrange the funeral, talk about him etc and I 'enjoyed' that. But I also kept thinking to myself "I should be more upset than this, I should be crying my heart out every minute, I should be generally depressed" etc... but I just felt numb, I felt sick and tired of crying, I didn't want to cry any more because I didn't want to upset my mum and brother. So I pretended as if nothing happened. I think it's normal. I don't know why I acted that way, but I kind of regret it in hindsight. My friend's even avoided me for a while because they didn't know how to react- they assumed I'd go off on one if they even mentioned my dad, or THEIR dad for that matter. Or they'd assume that I'd get offended if they so much as to laughed in front of me. But the truth of it is, all I really wanted was for someone to sit me down and talk to me- ask me about him, ask what it was like etc. I guess it looked like that I was ok and they didn't want to bring it up. But all I can suggest for you is to try and talk to your friends, or your nearest and dearest because this is something I wish I'd have done. Instead, I ignored it and hoped it would get better- which it did, don't get me wrong, but it took a lot more time than it should have done. I don't think it's something which anyone can just 'get over'. It'll stay with you forever, but eventually, instead of remembering the bad times, like I did for years (mainly seeing my dad in pain, going through chemo, operations and lying on his death bed), eventually you'll remember the good things about your mum. As I do now. Sorry this has been more of a ramble and beside the point
but it was almost like attempting some free-association writing. Weird.
My mother died at the start of September, so that would be two months ago yesterday actually.
We were never close, at all, and she kicked me out of the house in January infact.
She had been ill since I was 10 with cancer, and was in a hospice since May. I visited her once, but she wasn't interested. I actually planned to see her again and make her make it up with me on the Friday, and she died on the Thursday morning. I cried when I found out, and I cried at the funeral. But, that was about it. I don't know how I feel about it really.
I hope you feel better soon, but remember everyone has diffferent ways of dealing with grief.
We were never close, at all, and she kicked me out of the house in January infact.
She had been ill since I was 10 with cancer, and was in a hospice since May. I visited her once, but she wasn't interested. I actually planned to see her again and make her make it up with me on the Friday, and she died on the Thursday morning. I cried when I found out, and I cried at the funeral. But, that was about it. I don't know how I feel about it really.
I hope you feel better soon, but remember everyone has diffferent ways of dealing with grief.
Im so sorry for your loss xx
when it happened to me i was in shock for at least a week.. i had to go on holiday to disneyland which was the most difficult thing, i was just totally numb the whole time, have no idea how i got through those days without cracking up every minute but the adrenaline had set in - i had to get through the days & put on a smile and keep my sister going aswell, then when i got back every day for weeks id stay up every night just thinking & thinking over everything that happened,, im not quite sure when that stopped, i just had to keep strong & sensible and help my mum organise everything for funeral / remembrance service & sorting out all other bits & bobs cause she was completely distraught. Was only when that part was over & i was back to school, GCSE year that it hit me..i just totally shut off from everything, cried myself to sleep everynight for months, had horrrible nightmares everynight, had to remember what happened again every morning when i woke up which burst me into tears each morning before school, i felt SO guilty and so angry with the world that it'd happened, i was just a total mess really, except i didnt really ever let anyone see the full extent of that cause i knew itd be more stress for my mother which she really couldnt take.
im not trying to scare you with things to come, op... everyone handles these things differently, you'll go through it all in your own time and dont feel bad that you arent feeling certain things yet... i know it sounds weird but all the time i was going through that grief i felt glad that i was, cause it meant i wasnt forgetting her for a second and i didnt really care what else was going on.
I think the numbness is a defence mechanism, just getting you though things, 2&1/2 weeks really is nothing, time (although i know its the last thing you ever want to hear or believe right now, i seriously felt like hitting anyone who said it to me), is a great healer.xxxx
when it happened to me i was in shock for at least a week.. i had to go on holiday to disneyland which was the most difficult thing, i was just totally numb the whole time, have no idea how i got through those days without cracking up every minute but the adrenaline had set in - i had to get through the days & put on a smile and keep my sister going aswell, then when i got back every day for weeks id stay up every night just thinking & thinking over everything that happened,, im not quite sure when that stopped, i just had to keep strong & sensible and help my mum organise everything for funeral / remembrance service & sorting out all other bits & bobs cause she was completely distraught. Was only when that part was over & i was back to school, GCSE year that it hit me..i just totally shut off from everything, cried myself to sleep everynight for months, had horrrible nightmares everynight, had to remember what happened again every morning when i woke up which burst me into tears each morning before school, i felt SO guilty and so angry with the world that it'd happened, i was just a total mess really, except i didnt really ever let anyone see the full extent of that cause i knew itd be more stress for my mother which she really couldnt take.
im not trying to scare you with things to come, op
... everyone handles these things differently, you'll go through it all in your own time and dont feel bad that you arent feeling certain things yet... i know it sounds weird but all the time i was going through that grief i felt glad that i was, cause it meant i wasnt forgetting her for a second and i didnt really care what else was going on.I think the numbness is a defence mechanism, just getting you though things, 2&1/2 weeks really is nothing, time (although i know its the last thing you ever want to hear or believe right now, i seriously felt like hitting anyone who said it to me), is a great healer.xxxx
it's shock, and i think it just happens to some people. i'm really sorry to hear. i feel a little the same, i'm having trouble understanding my grandad dying four months ago which was insanely unexpected and a friend was in a car crash a few days ago and "might not pull through" so i can empathize to an extent.
i think it really takes time to come to terms with it. my nan didn't cry for about a month, she was just blown away it was so surreal for her. and i still don't understand it, i started crying about a month after but it still hasn't sunk in.
i made a thread a few days ago and people told me to talk to someone so i'm not alone grieving, so maybe you should do the same. a friend, a family membr, someone completely out of the picture who can just take it all in and comfort you without being directly upset by it themself?
i think it really takes time to come to terms with it. my nan didn't cry for about a month, she was just blown away it was so surreal for her. and i still don't understand it, i started crying about a month after but it still hasn't sunk in.
i made a thread a few days ago and people told me to talk to someone so i'm not alone grieving, so maybe you should do the same. a friend, a family membr, someone completely out of the picture who can just take it all in and comfort you without being directly upset by it themself?
So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my grandma in july, and i know its not the same as losing your mum, but i was like you, numb and unable to express my grief. It took me a good few months, when finally at the start of october i realised i wasnt going to see her again. how you are feeling is completely normal, make sure you take it easy, and dont push yourself too much too soon
I'm really really sorry
My mom died when i was nearly 15, she had MS and was ill for a very long time but her death still came as a shock as she'd always pulled through infections or what ever before. I remember feeling very numb- like i was just floating not really taking anything in. It did just feel surreal and wrong. I remember feeling like i should be feeling different or that I was dealing with it "normally"- me and my sister coped very differently. Honestly everyone deals with things like this differently and no way is wrong- you will get through this and deal with it in your own way. I remember feeling very lost and unsure of what I was doing- I think that it will probably "hit" you at some point but it might not be a sudden jolt- it might just build up until you let it out, but that was just me. My sister got upset but went back to normal very quickly and blocked most of it out where as I didn't and fell apart after a few weeks.
I don't know if any of this really helps at all- its just our experience with greif but its a very individual thing.
I hope your ok, things get better with time x
My mom died when i was nearly 15, she had MS and was ill for a very long time but her death still came as a shock as she'd always pulled through infections or what ever before. I remember feeling very numb- like i was just floating not really taking anything in. It did just feel surreal and wrong. I remember feeling like i should be feeling different or that I was dealing with it "normally"- me and my sister coped very differently. Honestly everyone deals with things like this differently and no way is wrong- you will get through this and deal with it in your own way. I remember feeling very lost and unsure of what I was doing- I think that it will probably "hit" you at some point but it might not be a sudden jolt- it might just build up until you let it out, but that was just me. My sister got upset but went back to normal very quickly and blocked most of it out where as I didn't and fell apart after a few weeks.
I don't know if any of this really helps at all- its just our experience with greif but its a very individual thing.
I hope your ok, things get better with time x
I'm terribly sorry for your loss =[
Like others have said, eveyone respnds differently and never ever feel that you're 'doing it wrong' or anything. You can't change how you react...try and see someone so you can talk about it if you want? Or just speak to a close friend or something.
When I lost my granddaddy [ who I was very very close to] I carried on normally for about whilst the rest of my family broke down and grieved. I cried at the funeral but I think that was just the atmosphere..... 6 months later I went into meltdown and I still cry everytime I talk about him.
Like others have said, eveyone respnds differently and never ever feel that you're 'doing it wrong' or anything. You can't change how you react...try and see someone so you can talk about it if you want? Or just speak to a close friend or something.
When I lost my granddaddy [ who I was very very close to] I carried on normally for about whilst the rest of my family broke down and grieved. I cried at the funeral but I think that was just the atmosphere..... 6 months later I went into meltdown and I still cry everytime I talk about him.
I'm sorry for your loss OP.
I lost my mother 2 and a half years ago when I was 19 and I still find it surreal that she has gone. I still can't quite grasp that she isn't coming back. I'm afraid that I don't really have any advice other than it will get easier with time. Don't feel like you 'should' be being really upset or not being upset, do what you feel like, as grieving is very personal. Perhaps you could see a counsellor?
I lost my mother 2 and a half years ago when I was 19 and I still find it surreal that she has gone. I still can't quite grasp that she isn't coming back. I'm afraid that I don't really have any advice other than it will get easier with time. Don't feel like you 'should' be being really upset or not being upset, do what you feel like, as grieving is very personal. Perhaps you could see a counsellor?
randdom
I thought that I would post here because I really don't know what else I can do.
My mother died about two and a half weeks ago now and I still doesn't seem to have hit me. I am sad that she is gone but I am not as upset as I feel that I should be. After she died we went through the motions and planned the funeral and while it was sad it was more surreal than anything. Now I am back at university and it doesn't feel like anything has changed. I know that I should be really upset and I want to be really upset but I'm not I'm just sort of numb.
She had MS and had been unwell for a long time however her dying still wasn't really expected. When she was in hospital the doctors were talking about when she came out rather than if she came out and I wonder if I am just in shock.
I suppose what I am wondering really in this rambling post is whether this is normal. I know that there isn't really a normal when it comes to grieving for someone but is it possible that it still hasn't hit me and that I am just going to collapse in a a few weeks? I haven't really lost anyone who is close to me before. My grandfather died when I was 10 and a few family friends have but that's really different to this.
I want to get through this because I know that is what she would want. But I don't think that I have even started yet and to be honest I don't really know what I am doing.
I hope that makes sense
My mother died about two and a half weeks ago now and I still doesn't seem to have hit me. I am sad that she is gone but I am not as upset as I feel that I should be. After she died we went through the motions and planned the funeral and while it was sad it was more surreal than anything. Now I am back at university and it doesn't feel like anything has changed. I know that I should be really upset and I want to be really upset but I'm not I'm just sort of numb.
She had MS and had been unwell for a long time however her dying still wasn't really expected. When she was in hospital the doctors were talking about when she came out rather than if she came out and I wonder if I am just in shock.
I suppose what I am wondering really in this rambling post is whether this is normal. I know that there isn't really a normal when it comes to grieving for someone but is it possible that it still hasn't hit me and that I am just going to collapse in a a few weeks? I haven't really lost anyone who is close to me before. My grandfather died when I was 10 and a few family friends have but that's really different to this.
I want to get through this because I know that is what she would want. But I don't think that I have even started yet and to be honest I don't really know what I am doing.
I hope that makes sense
When my Nan died (who I was very close too) I felt the same numbness as you are. Maybe its just our way of coping?
I found it difficult to talk about this with friends as I didn't think they'd understand so I held it in. Same with my family, who seemed to grief instantly. At the time I was in shock so I couldn't feel anything, even though the death was expected. Bad choice- I was crying non-stop throughout the funeral.
I'm sorry for your loss (probably sick of that by now). I think we grieve in the same way, so message me if you want to talk x
I'd love to be able to help you but I can't Because I know how you feel. I lived with my Grandparents, and my Grandfather passed away unexpectadly almost 4 weeks ago, and I still don't feel as though it's hit me yet
I am of course sorry to hear about your loss.
Because I know how you feel. I lived with my Grandparents, and my Grandfather passed away unexpectadly almost 4 weeks ago, and I still don't feel as though it's hit me yet I am of course sorry to hear about your loss.
Related discussions
- how to comfort friend
- Am I overthinking?
- when ur sad, how do u lift urself up?
- Didn't attend friends fathers funeral
- Dealing with unexpected bad news
- year 11 gyg 🎀
- crying in class
- I need help please
- How good is this 30 maker? illiad
- Not got a job since graduating nearly 3 years:worried my degree is now stale
- Contextual offer Queens University Belfast
- Still having flashbacks
- Othello a level helpppp
- can someone mark my q5 pls!
- Grieving my Mum
- Edexcel A-Level English Literature, Drama, Hamlet 2023
- Placed on reserve list PhD- advice
- zoology degrees
- Is it normal for your gf to eat all your food?
- do you think we should be allowed to do homework in detention instead of essays ?
Latest
Trending
Last reply 1 month ago
Mum makes a big deal about me having locked my phoneLast reply 1 month ago
Will they put it on my medical records if I ask for stronger painkillers?Health
8
24
