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What should I do? I feel very hurt

Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and are in our early 20s. We love each other so much and our personalities gel together so well. He treats me really well and respects me so much.

However, he recently confessed to me that he 'fancies' one of my friends. It all started when she randomly decided to start changing in my room when we were in a group of our girl friends, but my boyfriend was there too. I know I shouldn't jump straight to blaming her, but I definitely found it so disrespectful that she decided it was appropriate to change whilst my boyfriend was in the room.

As for my boyfriend, he said he finds her attractive (which I don't mind as much, as I think you should still be able to find people attractive, like random people walking past) and he said that he sometimes thinks about how 'easier' it would be if he was with her instead. I know I can be an absolute ***** when we argue, but at the end of the day I have never thought of being with anyone else, and I was surprised he had thought this.

I do not know what to do. I don't know what is normal. I don't know who I should be upset with. I just feel really hurt right now because it isn't just simple attraction, it seems to involve feelings as well. I love my boyfriend and did see a future with him and I always felt treated well by him. He is very innocent and usually would cover his eyes when a sex scene with female nudity comes on in a movie because he doesn't want to 'betray' me or anything. He even is against porn. And once he got anxious about a girl who was trying to flirt with him and he told me immediately because he 'felt bad even though he did nothing'.

It confuses me because he does not seem like the person to cheat. He seems very loyal. And though he hasn't actually done anything with my friend, it just hurts when it is someone I am close to and I do feel betrayed by both.

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Original post by Anonymous
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and are in our early 20s. We love each other so much and our personalities gel together so well. He treats me really well and respects me so much.

However, he recently confessed to me that he 'fancies' one of my friends. It all started when she randomly decided to start changing in my room when we were in a group of our girl friends, but my boyfriend was there too. I know I shouldn't jump straight to blaming her, but I definitely found it so disrespectful that she decided it was appropriate to change whilst my boyfriend was in the room.

As for my boyfriend, he said he finds her attractive (which I don't mind as much, as I think you should still be able to find people attractive, like random people walking past) and he said that he sometimes thinks about how 'easier' it would be if he was with her instead. I know I can be an absolute ***** when we argue, but at the end of the day I have never thought of being with anyone else, and I was surprised he had thought this.

I do not know what to do. I don't know what is normal. I don't know who I should be upset with. I just feel really hurt right now because it isn't just simple attraction, it seems to involve feelings as well. I love my boyfriend and did see a future with him and I always felt treated well by him. He is very innocent and usually would cover his eyes when a sex scene with female nudity comes on in a movie because he doesn't want to 'betray' me or anything. He even is against porn. And once he got anxious about a girl who was trying to flirt with him and he told me immediately because he 'felt bad even though he did nothing'.

It confuses me because he does not seem like the person to cheat. He seems very loyal. And though he hasn't actually done anything with my friend, it just hurts when it is someone I am close to and I do feel betrayed by both.

I don't understand why he even told you that? Now it's making you overthink. Tell him that you're hurt by it.
I commend the fact that he's been completely honest and faithful to you. However, if he has feelings for someone else and entertains the idea of ending the relationship, he's probably falling out of love with you. Have a discussion about it to confirm this.
Reply 4
Try get some clarity on what he means by "fancies" and if it does involve feelings at all, move on. He's weird enough to mention he physically finds your friend attractive but it's excusable I guess, but if he meant emotionally to any extent then lose him. Mentioning something like that directly to your GF is TOO weird,
Reply 5
Your boyfriend is showing you exactly who he is.
I commend honesty, but not done like that.
“Sometimes I think it would be a lot easier with her instead”...he didnt have to go there.

is being with one of your friends is even an option? And of all people, yeah he’s just cruel.
(edited 1 year ago)
Original post by Anonymous
I don't understand why he even told you that? Now it's making you overthink. Tell him that you're hurt by it.


He said he told me because he felt guilty about it and didn’t want me to be oblivious to it. I don’t know what to do now because I asked him politely if he could remove her from Facebook, but he refused and said that would cause awkwardness, but surely our relationship is more important?! Was I wrong to make him choose between staying friends with her on Facebook or keeping our relationship?
Original post by Anonymous
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 4 years and are in our early 20s. We love each other so much and our personalities gel together so well. He treats me really well and respects me so much.

However, he recently confessed to me that he 'fancies' one of my friends. It all started when she randomly decided to start changing in my room when we were in a group of our girl friends, but my boyfriend was there too. I know I shouldn't jump straight to blaming her, but I definitely found it so disrespectful that she decided it was appropriate to change whilst my boyfriend was in the room.

As for my boyfriend, he said he finds her attractive (which I don't mind as much, as I think you should still be able to find people attractive, like random people walking past) and he said that he sometimes thinks about how 'easier' it would be if he was with her instead. I know I can be an absolute ***** when we argue, but at the end of the day I have never thought of being with anyone else, and I was surprised he had thought this.

I do not know what to do. I don't know what is normal. I don't know who I should be upset with. I just feel really hurt right now because it isn't just simple attraction, it seems to involve feelings as well. I love my boyfriend and did see a future with him and I always felt treated well by him. He is very innocent and usually would cover his eyes when a sex scene with female nudity comes on in a movie because he doesn't want to 'betray' me or anything. He even is against porn. And once he got anxious about a girl who was trying to flirt with him and he told me immediately because he 'felt bad even though he did nothing'.

It confuses me because he does not seem like the person to cheat. He seems very loyal. And though he hasn't actually done anything with my friend, it just hurts when it is someone I am close to and I do feel betrayed by both.



@SagaciousSag @JDTJDM @xox416

I was wondering if I could as for your opinions. I asked him if he could delete her from his friends list on Facebook. I told him it’s because I feel uncomfortable knowing that he likes her and she’s still on there. He refused because he thought it would cause awkwardness in the friendship, but I told him that him choosing not to do that just shows that he’s not actively trying to even get over her and is giving himself an excuse to get in contact with her if he wanted. Was I wrong to make him choose between a friendship with her or our long term relationship?
I don't think it's wrong really. It obviously makes you feel uncomfortable, if he cared enough he'd do it no hesitation?
Reply 9
Original post by Anonymous
It confuses me because he does not seem like the person to cheat.

He's emotionally cheating, plus being incredibly disrespectful by comparing you to someone else. And whilst you realise that arguing is bad, what have you done to change that trait in the relationship? Sounds like you'd be better off apart.
(edited 1 year ago)
Reply 10
Original post by Anonymous
@SagaciousSag @JDTJDM @xox416

I was wondering if I could as for your opinions. I asked him if he could delete her from his friends list on Facebook. I told him it’s because I feel uncomfortable knowing that he likes her and she’s still on there. He refused because he thought it would cause awkwardness in the friendship, but I told him that him choosing not to do that just shows that he’s not actively trying to even get over her and is giving himself an excuse to get in contact with her if he wanted. Was I wrong to make him choose between a friendship with her or our long term relationship?

It can get messy when these kind of ultimatums arise since it's very easy to be labeled as just "paranoid", however, in this case you know full well you're not paranoid and considering your relationship has been going 4 YEARS he should be more open to hearing your concerns at this level.

The fact he said that in the first place baffles me. Yes, It is possible for him to be faithful to you whilst having these thoughts but why would he willingly put that thought In your head and then refuse to do anything to about it. On top of that it's not even primarily his friend it's yours. Out of respect for your partner you don't do that. Sounds like he has a screw loose.

I think you did great. The choice *should* be easy for him as it is literally the case of do I pick my girlfriend of 4 years or my girlfriends friend.
IMO just talk to him about this. If he continues being disrespectful then you have to move on not only from him but there's a chance you'll have to move on from your friend as well because I wouldn't be surprised if they tried something together.
He seems completely socially unaware and utterly tactless. It’s common sense to not tell your partner you fancy someone else (especially your friend) unless you have genuine intentions of breaking up, which it seems he doesn’t. Sure, people find others hot while they’re in relationships but it’s just the kind of thing you don’t say as it’s likely to upset your partner and make them feel insecure. I think you need to have a word with him and let him know that it’s not OK for him to say these things to you and to keep those thoughts to himself. As for your friend, you also need to let her know that it’s not appropriate for her to get changed while your boyfriend’s in the room. As you say, that is very disrespectful and unless she’s incredibly dim she probably knew that your boyfriend was going to be looking at her.
Thank you for the responses guys. I was wondering if you all think it would be a good idea to tell the friend involved that he likes her. Because then it shows if she is really my friend or not, she would distance herself from him and support me if she was, but if not then I guess I’d know where I stand with both of them. What do you guys think?
Original post by Anonymous
Thank you for the responses guys. I was wondering if you all think it would be a good idea to tell the friend involved that he likes her. Because then it shows if she is really my friend or not, she would distance herself from him and support me if she was, but if not then I guess I’d know where I stand with both of them. What do you guys think?

I think you should deal with this privately with your boyfriend first. Then if you feel like you really need to mention it to her go for it.
Original post by Anonymous
I think you should deal with this privately with your boyfriend first. Then if you feel like you really need to mention it to her go for it.

I have though and he keeps saying he needs time to think and doesn’t want to unfriend her
I’ve been with my boyf 4 years, we are planning a future together and he sounds quite similar to yours - he was mortified when someone else tried flirting with him and although we both mention in passing to the other if we see someone who we think looks good/hot we compliment each other all the time and it’s nothing more than a visual thing with other people, not any thought of going any further.

I think if it was my relationship and he was actually thinking how a relationship would be with someone else and ‘wanting time to think’ I’d be pretty devastated tbh. I would tell him how that made me feel. I only want to be with someone who completely only wants to be with me, if his mind was wandering like that then as much as I love him and we have a connection, I would feel that connection and commitment is now somehow less - even though he hadn’t acted on it. I mean, our relationship has its ups and downs like any, but there’s never anything to do with another person.

I’m sorry you’re in such a rubbish position x
Original post by Anonymous
I have though and he keeps saying he needs time to think and doesn’t want to unfriend her

Well if he needs time to think when he's the one in the wrong, I think you have your answer. You deserve better than that.
Original post by Anonymous
@SagaciousSag @JDTJDM @xox416

I was wondering if I could as for your opinions. I asked him if he could delete her from his friends list on Facebook. I told him it’s because I feel uncomfortable knowing that he likes her and she’s still on there. He refused because he thought it would cause awkwardness in the friendship, but I told him that him choosing not to do that just shows that he’s not actively trying to even get over her and is giving himself an excuse to get in contact with her if he wanted. Was I wrong to make him choose between a friendship with her or our long term relationship?

4 years is a terribly long time. I agree with the previous advice. He should be trying to distance himself from her if he likes her and wants to remain in a relationship with you, but the fact that he needs to 'think about it' is worrying. I think if he doesn't decide himself, you need to tell your friend and see what she does. If she doesn't distance herself from him and he doesn't either, that's basically the end of the relationship and friendship. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.
Original post by Anonymous
Was I wrong to make him choose between staying friends with her on Facebook or keeping our relationship?


Yes. If your relationship is based around you gatekeeping who he is and isn't allowed to be friends with online then it's doomed anyway, and if he's actually looking elsewhere then whether he is or isn't friends with them on Facebook won't change anything.

How would you feel if he tried to control your Facebook friends list?

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