So obsessed with someone (famous) that I feel suicidal..

Kurt cobain huh?

You know what, theres nothing on here we can't do..we can't help you, this is the internet. There are professionals out there however who can, seek them out. Could be the best google search you will ever do.

Not Kurt, no. I'm a big Kurt fan, but not to this extent.

I'd rather not disclose who it is though, I have my reasons for this.

I already have a psychiatrist (due to my disorder), and a therapist. But I can't admit this to anyone. People know I'm obsessed with him, but not the extent. I don't think I can admit it to anyone, which is why I came on here

I realise how ridiculous this is going to sound, so if you're going to tell me I'm being an idiot, then please be sure that I already know and I just can't cope with anyone confirming that for me..Also, I will say at this point that I'm not a silly little girl with a stupid teenage crush - I'm way past that stage in my life. Nor am I ugly, or desperate, and I am in a steady relationship. Also, just to give a bit of background, I have a personality disorder ('Borderline Personality Disorder', which is known as emotionally unstable personality disorder in this country)

Since I was 13-14 I have been interested in a (guy from a band whos name I wont mention). An album he wrote was something that got me through my teenage years, and as he was getting a lot of media coverage at that time my interest in him developed steadily. He's not with us anymore, but his legacy truly lives on, and everywhere I turn there's a constant reminder. His lyrics hit my like a knife cutting through my stomach, and although they make me feel very depressed, I listen to his words daily. I've bought and read nearly every book that he loved (not in a 'I'm going to love everything you love' kinda way, but more so that I could read the same words that he read and see if I feel the same things he did when I read them). I've been to places that I know he's been to, I even plan to try and stay in a hotel room that I know he's slept in, just because knowing that he's been there gives me the most amazing (yet very, very sad) feeling. It's not lust, I don't 'fancy' him - I just feel something deep when I hear the things he says in lyrics/old interviews etc.....Noone has touched me more than he has..

I self harm (not so much now as before, but still quite frequently), and sometimes it's to do with him. I feel so much pain knowing that I will never know him in person, speak to him. It hurts so f***ing much, sometimes I can't breathe just thinking about it. And the pain has been so unbearable lately that I have contemplated suicide. Now this isn't a post to get sympathy, or attention. This is a real issue, and I'm scared. I don't want to die, I know that. I have a good life, a good future. But I feel like none of it matters without him. I need him. And I just don't know any other way to get rid of the pain. Self-harm, yes, but that never lasts, it always comes back. I can't cope right now. Can anyone help me?

Am I crazy?

Am I crazy?

Morrissey?

Morrissey?

Sorry, that's not helpful. Err, I'd love to be able to help you, but I know little. Hugs.

Not Kurt, no. I'm a big Kurt fan, but not to this extent.

I'd rather not disclose who it is though, I have my reasons for this.

I already have a psychiatrist (due to my disorder), and a therapist. But I can't admit this to anyone. People know I'm obsessed with him, but not the extent. I don't think I can admit it to anyone, which is why I came on here

Hiya, I don't know much about borderline personality disorder, nor your life that has brought you to this stage but I'll just give you my 2 cents.

I don't for one second want to belittle what you are feeling and going through as I can understand how problems can affect people, although I have never been in a similar situation so I doubt I will fully be able to understand the ins and outs etc.

Anyway, I think that this obsession you have with this famous person is not the root of your problems, it isn't the cause, but the result of you using the comfort you find in listening to his words and surrounding yourself in his world to ease away underlying psychological pain.

Have you ever been to counselling to help you talk through your thoughts and feelings and help you overcome them? I strongly suggest you try it if you feel this way, many people are scared of counselling because they think it means that they are weak or crazy but its just not like that. If you have psychological problems they can strengthen you - same way you would go to a doctor to sort out a physical problem.

A suggestion I think might help is if you try to develop your own creativity a bit more - it might sound trivial but I really think it could do you a lot of good. You seem to be a very deep person with a lot of thoughts ready to be expressed and described. I suggest you write, a diary/blog/poetry/music and express how you are feeling - it can really boost your confidence. The same way this famous person has touched you, you can emulate creativity.

This way you can more strongly develop your own individuality, and recognise that you don't have to rely so much on this famous person as a means of putting what you feel into words.

I hope you will at least give it a try. write down what you are thinking unapologetically - just clear your mind and get some perspective. Write it down and once you've finished read over it and recognise the different interpretations from when you are writing and when you are reading it back to yourself.

https://www.blogger.com/start

Sign up! You can make the blog private so nobody else can read it, it can be for your eyes only.

Don't judge yourself, don't criticise yourself - just let yourself express yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

Please don't seriously contemplate suicide - you have to know that everyday won't be the same for the rest of your life, this day will one day be the past. Stick to counselling because there is hope so much psychological research is out there and therapists have seen problems like yours over and over and there is always a way out.

You owe it to yourself to give yourself a break - nobody can do it on their own. My advice is writing (start now you will feel better) and counselling.

All the best x