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my friend want to be white ( she is brown).

my friend is the same age as me, 16 and female. she has a crush on a white boy. like me, she is brown. she says that she wishes that she were white because white people have it so much easier when it comes to relationships and they are prettier, have lighter skin and that's everything a guy looks for in a girl.
as a brown woman myself, i think that what she said is PARTIALLY true: white boys do like white girls more.
at my school, a few boys were asked if they'd date a brown girl and many said "i've liked a brown girl but wouldn't date one".

my friend has been really upset over this, especially because that white boy she likes, he likes majority white women.

how do i help her? she came to me for advice as i am also brown so she hoped that i understand her. i do to a certain extent but i have just accepted the fact that white boys prefer white girls and it doesn't bother me much knowing that there will be a guy who will love me for who i am. but she doesn't seem to understand that

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Those people have "preferences". It is easy to fall into the trap of hating your skin colour as an ethnic minority. However, lighter is not prettier. You can be an absolutely gorgeous (subjective), light-skinned brown person or white person. Some will find you attractive. However, some people won't. You can be not as beautiful and dark-skinned. Some people won't find you attractive. Some will. Not all people are the same. Therefore, being 'pretty' is about how you perceive yourself, not the shade of your skin.

As long as you know that you are attractive (maybe you have amazing eyes, or a nice nose, or your hair is luscious and healthy, or you have a nice smile that you can focus on), others' opinions don't matter. You'll find someone eventually, so anything that people say now really doesn't matter. As long as you are sure of yourself and you know that you are beautiful regardless of your skin colour, it won't affect you.
Regardless of the colour of the skin, it's the personality that matters most for me. If I like spending time with someone, and we both get on well, then a relationship may form, and off we trot.
Your friend should just ask the crush to hang out and see where it goes.

You say that white people generally have it easier to form relationships. I wish this were true.
Different people have very different attraction dealbreakers and beauty standards.
Some people do have physical attraction dealbreakers or relationship preferences that focus upon elements like body shape, ethnicity, facial complexion, hair or height.

My best friend is asian and works as a model; she has always got plenty of dates & hookup offers in the uk, spain & india.
From guys of all backgrounds and nationalities.
Far more than me and most of our caucasian friends.

I know quite a few people in britain & usa who are not attracted to albinos, caucasians or 'lightskins' of any ethnicity.
I know plenty of single caucasians who struggle to get a date, most of whom have not been sexually active or dated in the last 2-3 years.
From what I've seen and heard many people in britain are open to dating those of all backgrounds that they are most sexually attracted to- when they think there is a good chance of their dating interest being reciprocated by the individual and little prospect of experiencing any serious negative consequences from their relatives or traditionalist community members/leaders.
Those kids have probably only met one or two brown people their entire lives. They'll probably change their mind when they get older and actually meet people from around the world.
Original post by Anonymous
my friend is the same age as me, 16 and female. she has a crush on a white boy. like me, she is brown. she says that she wishes that she were white because white people have it so much easier when it comes to relationships and they are prettier, have lighter skin and that's everything a guy looks for in a girl.
as a brown woman myself, i think that what she said is PARTIALLY true: white boys do like white girls more.
at my school, a few boys were asked if they'd date a brown girl and many said "i've liked a brown girl but wouldn't date one".

my friend has been really upset over this, especially because that white boy she likes, he likes majority white women.

how do i help her? she came to me for advice as i am also brown so she hoped that i understand her. i do to a certain extent but i have just accepted the fact that white boys prefer white girls and it doesn't bother me much knowing that there will be a guy who will love me for who i am. but she doesn't seem to understand that

Gosh, the amount of internalized racism is off the charts. I don't blame anyone because dating is one of those things where you have a preference in everything, but I think your friend should know she is more than just not this boy's "preferred" skin type - she is a beautiful person regardless of her skin colour and deserves so much better if that's what he sees her as.

I think your friend should definitely spend more time with her crush if she insists he isn't necessarily bigoted for having a colour preference...? (again, it's baffling). If he really has a thing for her then everything will fall into place, and it's important not to force it. You be a good friend and assure her that you'll be there for her in the worst.

Still, I just can't help but wonder what causes racial preferences in dating. I mean, I'm brown too and I just think that there has to be some sort of stigma with mixed race couples even now. My boyfriend is Puerto Rican but that didn't influence how I feel for him in the slightest?

Maybe you could ask her crush why his preference is white? I'm hoping it goes beyond Hollywood relationships but it just seems problematic that anyone has to feel they're not good enough because they're not white. It has not been easy for people of colour in the dating scene and I hope your friend moves on from what her crush said - she is SO much more than that and I'm cheering her on ! :wink:
This type of stuff is so depressing.
Original post by LawApplicant03
This type of stuff is so depressing.

Yeah like you think co-ed multinational schools are leagues ahead with diversity and acceptance in theory but nope not at all
Original post by LawApplicant03
This type of stuff is so depressing.

Maybe.
But it is a significant part of many people's ambitions & perceptions of relationship realities during school and uni life.
Wanting to be very popular socially, part of the 'high school a crowd' that rule the school or have the pick of the attractive guys/girls/both wanting to date and believing that the grass is greener for other people who either does apply to.
So many people will change their dating connected ambitions, 'types' and perspective a lot from the ages of 15-40.
hello ,
brown
white boys don't generally prefer white girls over non-white girls, and if they do, then you should be happy not to date them :smile: also, if he said he's liked a brown girl but wouldn't date her, then it still means he was attracted to her, but maybe (sorry for making assumptions) the cultural aspect didn't work out with his goals, for instance. Don't worry too much!
Original post by Anonymous
white boys don't generally prefer white girls over non-white girls, and if they do, then you should be happy not to date them :smile: also, if he said he's liked a brown girl but wouldn't date her, then it still means he was attracted to her, but maybe (sorry for making assumptions) the cultural aspect didn't work out with his goals, for instance. Don't worry too much!

In my experience, guys who say things like that merely fetishize brown or black people. having a crush on a brown girl but not wanting to date her is a sign of that :/
hello
brown person here !!!
listen listen listen
honestly I understand a lot about the whole thing of white ppl often not being attracted to brown people a lot of people here are arguing about how true it is but I don't think that's the important bit. imo it's true bc everyone has all that internalised racism which makes dating that bit more complex.
but thats not what's important!! your friend shouldn't have her self worth tied to what a man (or anyone) thinks of her. in fact, her value is not tied to her attractiveness at all. it is a hard concept to accept and truly understand, but it's true. men and crushes will always come and go. they will have preferences. they might be attracted to you,they might not.
but it is absolutely no reason to feel the need to change yourself, and to change YOUR RACE to gain the attraction of men. it is a horrifying concept that you should be insecure of the colour of your skin (although o understand it). it is not your fault that people in this world are racist/ have racjal bias. that is not something you have caused, nor something you will be able to fix by being white.

I get it, I really do. I feel all the time that if I were white , more people would be attracted to me. in all likelihood, given that I live in the west it is true. HOWEVER I I who I am. I will exist, as a brown person, and I will exist proudly and defiantly. if people find me unattractive then so be it. i am not defined by my attractiveness, as much as i would wish to be more attractive, by anybodies standards,by white beauty standards. these standards are not designed to help you. they are there to make yo feel insecure and have the exact feeling that your friend feels - that they must somehow change to be better and more desirable. why be more desirable? why should you change the colour of your skin?

all in all, you should not feel the need to change yourself for other people's racism.
Original post by Anonymous
white boys don't generally prefer white girls over non-white girls, and if they do, then you should be happy not to date them :smile: also, if he said he's liked a brown girl but wouldn't date her, then it still means he was attracted to her, but maybe (sorry for making assumptions) the cultural aspect didn't work out with his goals, for instance. Don't worry too much!

i thoroughly agree.
this guy used to be my best guy friend and people did use to ship us. he began acting so sh*tty towards my friend, saying that this white girl was prettier than her and that she could never compare to her. - he knows she's insecure. after this, i had a go at him for being so horrible to my best friend and now we are not as close. icl, he is a prick still.
she likes him so much i wish they could be happy
Original post by Anonymous
hello
brown person here !!!
listen listen listen
honestly I understand a lot about the whole thing of white ppl often not being attracted to brown people a lot of people here are arguing about how true it is but I don't think that's the important bit. imo it's true bc everyone has all that internalised racism which makes dating that bit more complex.
but thats not what's important!! your friend shouldn't have her self worth tied to what a man (or anyone) thinks of her. in fact, her value is not tied to her attractiveness at all. it is a hard concept to accept and truly understand, but it's true. men and crushes will always come and go. they will have preferences. they might be attracted to you,they might not.
but it is absolutely no reason to feel the need to change yourself, and to change YOUR RACE to gain the attraction of men. it is a horrifying concept that you should be insecure of the colour of your skin (although o understand it). it is not your fault that people in this world are racist/ have racjal bias. that is not something you have caused, nor something you will be able to fix by being white.

I get it, I really do. I feel all the time that if I were white , more people would be attracted to me. in all likelihood, given that I live in the west it is true. HOWEVER I I who I am. I will exist, as a brown person, and I will exist proudly and defiantly. if people find me unattractive then so be it. i am not defined by my attractiveness, as much as i would wish to be more attractive, by anybodies standards,by white beauty standards. these standards are not designed to help you. they are there to make yo feel insecure and have the exact feeling that your friend feels - that they must somehow change to be better and more desirable. why be more desirable? why should you change the colour of your skin?

all in all, you should not feel the need to change yourself for other people's racism.

I agree, it's literally just racism! I felt bad for wanting to say that in my reply since some people in the thread were saying that you can have racial preferences and stuff but it just didn't make sense to me in my mind because isn't ranking white people above other races just white supremacy? Plus, what makes brown people so repellant to his romantic preferences, anyways? His knowledge of harmful, prejudiced stereotypes? The mere aesthetic value of having darker skin?
It's disgusting how it's all so...normalized in this day and age.
Original post by Anonymous
i thoroughly agree.
this guy used to be my best guy friend and people did use to ship us. he began acting so sh*tty towards my friend, saying that this white girl was prettier than her and that she could never compare to her. - he knows she's insecure. after this, i had a go at him for being so horrible to my best friend and now we are not as close. icl, he is a prick still.
she likes him so much i wish they could be happy

It could just be the idea of him that your friend likes? Good that you put the crush in his place, he sounds horrible.
If I were you, I would not want the crush in my friend's life. You both seem better off without him and I think most friendships like that have expiry dates anyways. I'd definitely let her know that and suggest to hang out or set her up with somebody else.
Best of luck to both of you :smile:
What race actually are you? Maybe why don't you like your own ace more? Sounds like your friend just has low self-esteem and self-hate issues and needs to love herself more.
Original post by Anonymous
my friend is the same age as me, 16 and female. she has a crush on a white boy. like me, she is brown. she says that she wishes that she were white because white people have it so much easier when it comes to relationships and they are prettier, have lighter skin and that's everything a guy looks for in a girl.
as a brown woman myself, i think that what she said is PARTIALLY true: white boys do like white girls more.
at my school, a few boys were asked if they'd date a brown girl and many said "i've liked a brown girl but wouldn't date one".

my friend has been really upset over this, especially because that white boy she likes, he likes majority white women.

how do i help her? she came to me for advice as i am also brown so she hoped that i understand her. i do to a certain extent but i have just accepted the fact that white boys prefer white girls and it doesn't bother me much knowing that there will be a guy who will love me for who i am. but she doesn't seem to understand that

White people are generally attracted to white people, so of course white boys like white girls more...
It's the same for every other race.
Original post by sufys
White people are generally attracted to white people, so of course white boys like white girls more...
It's the same for every other race.

i wouldn't say that.
as a brown woman, i am more attracted to white people.
personally, i think it is due to the background you grow up in (i grew up in a white culture).
Original post by karl pilkington
What race actually are you? Maybe why don't you like your own ace more? Sounds like your friend just has low self-esteem and self-hate issues and needs to love herself more.

i am brown. my ethnicity is Indian to be exact but i grew up in a very white area. the same is for her. (both parents from india)

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