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Nearly 8 weeks on and I still feel friendless
I wasn't sure where this should be (here or uni) but since it's more about relationships - or the lack of - I plumped for here.
On Saturday I will have been at uni for 8 weeks and I still feel that I don't have any real friends. I get along with all my flatmates, but I definatly don't feel like they're friends - More acquaintances. One of the guys really confuses me - He can be really friendly one minute, and then really cold the next. When we go out and we're both drinking then we get along fine but tbh I'm quite shy around some lads and he is definatly the type that I'm less likely to talk to! I can chat happily to the other guy in our flat and I'm quite chummy/relaxed around him but I just can't seem to let my guard down with the other guy. The girls I get along with, one has lots of her own friends so she really keeps herself to herself but the other one is quite friendly and who I normally talk to. The problem with this is she has her own friends from back home - about 4 of them who she's really pally with. She doesn't go out with them all the time, in fact I think last night was one of the first in a while, but it's still more than I have.
I go out with them, when I can, and I have a good evening, but a lot of the time it feels like it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. This weekend a couple of them have got friends coming down and so they've been talking all about their plans - I'm going to a family thing this weekend so I can't join in and I feel so left out! Not their fault, but it always seems to work out that way.
People on my course, whilst being nice, are just not the kind of people I click with. I'm in a few societies but tbh again they're not my sort of people; one is very cliquey already and there's little room for any new people in there. The other one is a massive soc. however it's not... it's not unsocial, it's just the nature of it is forces you to keep to yourself.
Back home I had lots of people I'd call acquaintances, but only really 4 or 5 friends who I could rely on for whatever. Here I have loads more acquaintances and no-one who I'd really call a friend. I miss having my old little group back... But obviously, they've all coped a hell of a lot better than me and moved on and found new friends.
On Saturday I will have been at uni for 8 weeks and I still feel that I don't have any real friends. I get along with all my flatmates, but I definatly don't feel like they're friends - More acquaintances. One of the guys really confuses me - He can be really friendly one minute, and then really cold the next. When we go out and we're both drinking then we get along fine but tbh I'm quite shy around some lads and he is definatly the type that I'm less likely to talk to! I can chat happily to the other guy in our flat and I'm quite chummy/relaxed around him but I just can't seem to let my guard down with the other guy. The girls I get along with, one has lots of her own friends so she really keeps herself to herself but the other one is quite friendly and who I normally talk to. The problem with this is she has her own friends from back home - about 4 of them who she's really pally with. She doesn't go out with them all the time, in fact I think last night was one of the first in a while, but it's still more than I have.
I go out with them, when I can, and I have a good evening, but a lot of the time it feels like it wouldn't matter if I wasn't there. This weekend a couple of them have got friends coming down and so they've been talking all about their plans - I'm going to a family thing this weekend so I can't join in and I feel so left out! Not their fault, but it always seems to work out that way.
People on my course, whilst being nice, are just not the kind of people I click with. I'm in a few societies but tbh again they're not my sort of people; one is very cliquey already and there's little room for any new people in there. The other one is a massive soc. however it's not... it's not unsocial, it's just the nature of it is forces you to keep to yourself.
Back home I had lots of people I'd call acquaintances, but only really 4 or 5 friends who I could rely on for whatever. Here I have loads more acquaintances and no-one who I'd really call a friend. I miss having my old little group back... But obviously, they've all coped a hell of a lot better than me and moved on and found new friends.
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Reply 1
14
Sorry to hear you feel so lonely, you're obviously sociable so i doubt people are avoiding you
hang on in there, you'll find people you click with soon enough, atleast your not trying to sponge off fake friendships xx
hang on in there, you'll find people you click with soon enough, atleast your not trying to sponge off fake friendships xxReply 2
Just give it time 
Keep making an effort with people, and I'm sure that you will find some amazing friends soon!
And you never know your old friends might me feeling the same way that you do. Have you told them how you feel? Because they just might not have said anything.
I'm sure there are lots of people in the same situation as you are - if that makes you feel an better
I'm sure it will get better
Keep making an effort with people, and I'm sure that you will find some amazing friends soon!
And you never know your old friends might me feeling the same way that you do. Have you told them how you feel? Because they just might not have said anything.
I'm sure there are lots of people in the same situation as you are - if that makes you feel an better
I'm sure it will get better
Reply 3
I know where you're coming from. In Uni, outside your course (and for me, inside my course) you don't tend to associate with people as much as you would have done with your old friends. You've made bonds with them, and you have to start again here.
I came here with the intention of making new friends, but I've basically ended up with a pile of acquaintances. Sure, there are old school friends here (so, sorry OP, I'm not in exactly the same boat as you), but everyone else is either someone 'closely associated' with me, or someone I know by name/face/phone number.
I don't think it's your own fault really. Look on the bright side - you're bound to find someone you click with immediately.
[anecdote follows]
By that, I mean, there is someone who you will get on with - Uni is a big place. I have a mate from my Spanish class, and we met on Facebook before the term started, so we were ahead of people really; we end up doing most of the paired assessments together it seems. In other Unis, surprisingly, I've clicked with more people - I went to Exeter to visit a friend on Tuesday and I really got on well with her housemates; three in particular. I suppose it just goes to show that:
a) don't judge books by their cover - don't think "Oh, they want to go out all the time" or "Oh, they want to stay in all the time" or "Oh, they don't like the same band as me". Somewhere, once you start prying, there's someone really cool.
b) don't be afraid to just walk up to someone and talk to them on a night out. It's how my entire Freshers went - "Hi, are you a fresher?" and go from there. You might pick up another acquaintance - you might find your prospective best friend for the next four years.
Don't panic though. You're eight weeks in - it could be worse - you could have been four years in and thought this was a problem.
I came here with the intention of making new friends, but I've basically ended up with a pile of acquaintances. Sure, there are old school friends here (so, sorry OP, I'm not in exactly the same boat as you), but everyone else is either someone 'closely associated' with me, or someone I know by name/face/phone number.
I don't think it's your own fault really. Look on the bright side - you're bound to find someone you click with immediately.
[anecdote follows]
By that, I mean, there is someone who you will get on with - Uni is a big place. I have a mate from my Spanish class, and we met on Facebook before the term started, so we were ahead of people really; we end up doing most of the paired assessments together it seems. In other Unis, surprisingly, I've clicked with more people - I went to Exeter to visit a friend on Tuesday and I really got on well with her housemates; three in particular. I suppose it just goes to show that:
a) don't judge books by their cover - don't think "Oh, they want to go out all the time" or "Oh, they want to stay in all the time" or "Oh, they don't like the same band as me". Somewhere, once you start prying, there's someone really cool.
b) don't be afraid to just walk up to someone and talk to them on a night out. It's how my entire Freshers went - "Hi, are you a fresher?" and go from there. You might pick up another acquaintance - you might find your prospective best friend for the next four years.
Don't panic though. You're eight weeks in - it could be worse - you could have been four years in and thought this was a problem.
Reply 4
I would stick it out. I mean is it really getting you down? Only in the worst cases (e.g. feeling depressed etc), then i would consider going elsewhere, but otherwise i would hold on in there and see what happens. I mean you are at uni for around 3-4 years usually (unless you are doing medicine or something), so there's plenty of time to socialise, for things to happen, etc. You are only 2 months in. I wasnt really good friends with anyone in the first 2 months of college (might be different at uni but i wouldnt know). Attempting to find a good point here, if worst comes to worst and nothing really develops, you will be able to focus on the work more? Im not saying nothing will happen, since it almost certainly will, but im trying to find that silver lining
And im sure there are hundreds of students feeling the same.
And us TSR lot will be your friends!!
Are you male or female btw?
And im sure there are hundreds of students feeling the same.
And us TSR lot will be your friends!!
Are you male or female btw?
Reply 5
14
I started Uni 3 years ago and for the entire first term had NO friends (as in, not even a few acquaintances to hang out with). Like you, I had a really close little group back home, and didn't feel that anyone I met could measure up.
However - you've got to realise that you've known your group from back home for much longer than you've known anyone at Uni. You're going to be closer to them because you've had the time to develop the relationships. Give people time. And if you feel you're not close to the people you know right now, join a few new societies and start talking to different people. In my experience, I made a load of friends from societies and 2 very very close friends who I'm probably closer to than my crowd from home now.
People never seem to talk about how hard Uni is, and how isolating it can be. But look at it this way, you are learning how to fend for yourself in the real world. Learning to love your own company is no bad thing. Stick it out.
However - you've got to realise that you've known your group from back home for much longer than you've known anyone at Uni. You're going to be closer to them because you've had the time to develop the relationships. Give people time. And if you feel you're not close to the people you know right now, join a few new societies and start talking to different people. In my experience, I made a load of friends from societies and 2 very very close friends who I'm probably closer to than my crowd from home now.
People never seem to talk about how hard Uni is, and how isolating it can be. But look at it this way, you are learning how to fend for yourself in the real world. Learning to love your own company is no bad thing. Stick it out.
Reply 6
CatatonicStupor
By that, I mean, there is someone who you will get on with - Uni is a big place. I have a mate from my Spanish class, and we met on Facebook before the term started, so we were ahead of people really; we end up doing most of the paired assessments together it seems. In other Unis, surprisingly, I've clicked with more people - I went to Exeter to visit a friend on Tuesday and I really got on well with her housemates; three in particular. I suppose it just goes to show that:
a) don't judge books by their cover - don't think "Oh, they want to go out all the time" or "Oh, they want to stay in all the time" or "Oh, they don't like the same band as me". Somewhere, once you start prying, there's someone really cool.
b) don't be afraid to just walk up to someone and talk to them on a night out. It's how my entire Freshers went - "Hi, are you a fresher?" and go from there. You might pick up another acquaintance - you might find your prospective best friend for the next four years.
Don't panic though. You're eight weeks in - it could be worse - you could have been four years in and thought this was a problem.
By that, I mean, there is someone who you will get on with - Uni is a big place. I have a mate from my Spanish class, and we met on Facebook before the term started, so we were ahead of people really; we end up doing most of the paired assessments together it seems. In other Unis, surprisingly, I've clicked with more people - I went to Exeter to visit a friend on Tuesday and I really got on well with her housemates; three in particular. I suppose it just goes to show that:
a) don't judge books by their cover - don't think "Oh, they want to go out all the time" or "Oh, they want to stay in all the time" or "Oh, they don't like the same band as me". Somewhere, once you start prying, there's someone really cool.
b) don't be afraid to just walk up to someone and talk to them on a night out. It's how my entire Freshers went - "Hi, are you a fresher?" and go from there. You might pick up another acquaintance - you might find your prospective best friend for the next four years.
Don't panic though. You're eight weeks in - it could be worse - you could have been four years in and thought this was a problem.
Mmm, tbh, I think that's in someways part of the problem, I'm always quite concious of the fact that the guy I don't feel relaxed around and the girl I want to be mates with arrrived and clicked instantly. They too chatted on facebook and up until last week were on the same course and in all the same lectures so naturally they went to everything together. (One of them has changed courses now, to the course that the girl who doesn't live in our flat but we're all pretty friendly with - the aforementioned guy and girl moreso - does) I can see links between them all that they have connecting them; I have none. They're all doing science based subjects, I'm humanities. They're all from big cities where you can go out every night, I'm from a lazy little town where the main attraction is the over priced bowling alley. They have all been on holiday with friends, mine couldn't afford to go. That kind of thing. But thank you, that does help.
Fandellos, I'm a girl
I went to an all girls school which is why I think I find it hard to relax around some guys - I'm just uptight all the time. It's slowly getting better but I can't ever see myself being one of the girls who can just be really friendly with a guy. I do feel sometimes that it's an almost 'Oh, see if (me) wants to come, we have to ask' rather than 'Oh, is (me) coming?' or even a 'Oh, (me) wants to come... If she has to'. I can't work out whether I'm just being uber paranoid or not
(It's likely!)Reply 7
I'm having a similar exerience to u OP. I feel so alone here, i feel like other people are bonding more than i am(i.e. i don't 'click' with anyone & when i make an effort with people they don't really make an effort back.
did u go to an all girls school or are you just not used to male company?
There was a guy i met who was really friendly in freshers week & i felt comfortable talking to him then. But after freshers week, i couldn't pluck up the courage to go & talk to him, i felt so shy & i can't understand why...it's wierd.
But yeah, about uni, everyone else seems like they are developing friendships fine.. Also people came with people they knew already therefore they have someone to hang out with/feel relaxed around.
I think it will take time for real friendships to develop...it's just so lonely though!
did u go to an all girls school or are you just not used to male company?
There was a guy i met who was really friendly in freshers week & i felt comfortable talking to him then. But after freshers week, i couldn't pluck up the courage to go & talk to him, i felt so shy & i can't understand why...it's wierd.
But yeah, about uni, everyone else seems like they are developing friendships fine.. Also people came with people they knew already therefore they have someone to hang out with/feel relaxed around.
I think it will take time for real friendships to develop...it's just so lonely though!
Reply 8
I'm in the same situation. My floor is large which I actually think is a bad thing, there are 12 people on my floor including me. I don't think anybody feels like they can be best friends with everyone so they're sub divided into other groups which seems to be broardly: internationals/people who go out every night/people who stay in every night.
My problem is that I am somewhat in the middle. I'd love to go clubbing with certain people more often but they never ask me now because of the time I didn't want to go, and they all have eachother and don't need me. In fact some of the 'going out' group blank me a bit these days.
Then the staying in group are all nice and everything but obviously ... they stay in! I do like to go out fairly often. I find myself hanging out with this American guy on my floor and all his friends. They're the ones I most consider to be friends of mine here, yet the fact they're all going back to Ohio in just over half a years time stops me getting so excited about that.
On my course there seem to be close groups of 2-5 people. I am an acquaintance of around 15 people on the course, but I don't sit by any particular ones, I'm not that close to any.
So I know exactly how you feel; piles of idle chit chat but nobody who wants to hang out in my room, nobody who is like "oh yeah must get Ben in on our night out", nobody to confide in etc ... I am just hoping that two months is still very early, and that having my fingers in lots of pies means that while other people who seem good friends now with a few people get sick of their group but can't change that - I get to actually pick and choose my close friends more, as I slowly get to know everyone better.
My problem is that I am somewhat in the middle. I'd love to go clubbing with certain people more often but they never ask me now because of the time I didn't want to go, and they all have eachother and don't need me. In fact some of the 'going out' group blank me a bit these days.
Then the staying in group are all nice and everything but obviously ... they stay in! I do like to go out fairly often. I find myself hanging out with this American guy on my floor and all his friends. They're the ones I most consider to be friends of mine here, yet the fact they're all going back to Ohio in just over half a years time stops me getting so excited about that.
On my course there seem to be close groups of 2-5 people. I am an acquaintance of around 15 people on the course, but I don't sit by any particular ones, I'm not that close to any.
So I know exactly how you feel; piles of idle chit chat but nobody who wants to hang out in my room, nobody who is like "oh yeah must get Ben in on our night out", nobody to confide in etc ... I am just hoping that two months is still very early, and that having my fingers in lots of pies means that while other people who seem good friends now with a few people get sick of their group but can't change that - I get to actually pick and choose my close friends more, as I slowly get to know everyone better.
Reply 9
Hm, I'm in the same boat. I have people I am friendly with and people I talk to from my course, but no-one I would call a friend. Not yet, anyway. They're acquaintances for now, I suppose. I haven't yet met anyone I really click with, but I suppose that may still come in time. On the bright side, I have probably become more independent and I don't really rely on people. I'm not someone who cannot possibly go out by themselves, which I think is a good thing. I don't think there's much point to this post, except to say that I know how you feel. Hang on in there, it'll happen eventually.
Reply 10
16
tis_me_lord
So I know exactly how you feel; piles of idle chit chat but nobody who wants to hang out in my room, nobody who is like "oh yeah must get Ben in on our night out", nobody to confide in etc ... I am just hoping that two months is still very early, and that having my fingers in lots of pies means that while other people who seem good friends now with a few people get sick of their group but can't change that - I get to actually pick and choose my close friends more, as I slowly get to know everyone better.
So I know exactly how you feel; piles of idle chit chat but nobody who wants to hang out in my room, nobody who is like "oh yeah must get Ben in on our night out", nobody to confide in etc ... I am just hoping that two months is still very early, and that having my fingers in lots of pies means that while other people who seem good friends now with a few people get sick of their group but can't change that - I get to actually pick and choose my close friends more, as I slowly get to know everyone better.
Ditto this.
I'm living with 5 girls and 2 guys, and I can already tell I'm not going to ever click with them. One of the girls is a complete bitch, and as such bitchiness entails. I've been criticized for being 'closed off' because I refused to go into explicit details of my loved ones/relationships in the first couple of weeks when I was informed everyone in the flat was apparently 'bonding' through discussion. Didn't appear to have worked though for a couple of girls have just been through a situation whereby one of the girls felt excluded. It doesn't take someone of a high EQ to realize that the girls or guys haven't bonded in this flat, at least not to any significance.
Drama queens aside, and before I digress, it seems rather normal that friendships have yet to be made among many freshers, at least not any of real substance. I don't think people are being paranoid in thinking they are alone, as looks can be deceiving, and those who appear to be socially active/happy often feel lonely. It's true though, often in an attempt to solve this, as tis_me_lord pointed out, friendship groups are sought within the first few weeks whereas I am more reserved and look to expand my options leaving me with a group that I join naturally, not as a result of contrived desperation.
Reply 11
I'm in my fourth year and my closest friends at uni now are people I mostly met at the end of 1st year or 2nd year. 1 girl on my corridor I was friendly with but never spent much time with cos she had other friends. Then aroun January time we suddenly clicked & I ended up living with her for the next 2yrs! It is tough & it sounds like you are doing your best so good luck, I'm sure in time you will make some closer friends. As a result of taking longer to make friends I now have many more friends than I would have if I'd formed a close group of friends straight away which can only be a good thing!
Reply 12
Anonymous
did u go to an all girls school or are you just not used to male company?
Nope, all girls school - My guy contact before uni consisted of staring at them over the fence and talking to the guys going out with my mates. Somewhat sheltered, yes.
Tis_me - Sounds like we're about the same in sitatuations, don't get me wrong, the girl asks me what I'm up to and whether I'm coming so it's not completly shut off, but it still feels like a bit of an afterthought sometimes - Last week I said to her that I'd like to go down to the bar for a quiet drink, she agreed and I went back to my room presuming that she'd knock when ready, in the end the guy turned up and they left without me. I got a text about half an hour later saying that they'd forgotten to knock for me and I should come to join them anyway (which I did) but for that half an hour I felt like ****. I don't want to be muscling in on their old friendships, I wouldn't mind being a new friendship though!
Going from having a few really good friends that I see every day to not really having any is the hardest thing ever... Everyone has to do it I suppose but it feels like I've been cheated of something; Obviously no-one *has* to be my friend but it'd be nice if they were!
Reply 13
I was in the same boat, I think I might just look unfriendly.
Didnt really get better for a few months.
Stick it out.
Didnt really get better for a few months.
Stick it out.
Reply 14
What I'm really worrying about is accomodation for next year - I've spoken to a few second and third years and they've all said you need to be looking just before christmas and definatly before February because all the best places go really quickly. I don't think I'm going to have anyone to live with.
Reply 15
This sounds uncannily like the situation I find myself to be in these days. I live in a flat with my cousin so, apart from a few nights out where I've been able to tag along with his uni mates, I've had one night out with a mate from my course and a few of his flatmates. In case you thought otherwise, I'm in 1st year and really should have done the halls of residence thing first but I haven't so that's depressing me somewhat. Also, I was down with the flu/bad cold during FW so only went out once (and that wasn't even with Freshers, it was with my cousin's mates ).
I'm home this weekend for Scotland rugby internationals, but next week I'm just going to start organising nights out with course mates. Unfortunately, my course is 90+% guys on a course of more than 100 and many of them don't seem like the people I'd get on well with. I think I've just been setting my expectations too high for what I expected university to be like.
Sorry for hijacking the thread, OP. Just needed to get that off my chest.
). I'm home this weekend for Scotland rugby internationals, but next week I'm just going to start organising nights out with course mates. Unfortunately, my course is 90+% guys on a course of more than 100 and many of them don't seem like the people I'd get on well with. I think I've just been setting my expectations too high for what I expected university to be like.
Sorry for hijacking the thread, OP. Just needed to get that off my chest.
Reply 16
Captain Biggles
This sounds uncannily like the situation I find myself to be in these days. I live in a flat with my cousin so, apart from a few nights out where I've been able to tag along with his uni mates, I've had one night out with a mate from my course and a few of his flatmates. In case you thought otherwise, I'm in 1st year and really should have done the halls of residence thing first but I haven't so that's depressing me somewhat. Also, I was down with the flu/bad cold during FW so only went out once (and that wasn't even with Freshers, it was with my cousin's mates ).
I'm home this weekend for Scotland rugby internationals, but next week I'm just going to start organising nights out with course mates. Unfortunately, my course is 90+% guys on a course of more than 100 and many of them don't seem like the people I'd get on well with. I think I've just been setting my expectations too high for what I expected university to be like.
Sorry for hijacking the thread, OP. Just needed to get that off my chest.
). I'm home this weekend for Scotland rugby internationals, but next week I'm just going to start organising nights out with course mates. Unfortunately, my course is 90+% guys on a course of more than 100 and many of them don't seem like the people I'd get on well with. I think I've just been setting my expectations too high for what I expected university to be like.
Sorry for hijacking the thread, OP. Just needed to get that off my chest.
No, go ahead
I'm sorry that you're feeling like this! Maybe there needs to be a 'University isn't all it cracked up to be' thread/society 
Random thought - Can you not see if the uni has any on campus accomodation going? That's if you do want to get onto campus to live, of course.
Reply 17
most of the time, the problem is because you expect others to make you feel like you matter. When they don't, you don't feel like part of the group. Maybe the problem lies with you AS WELL as with them?
Reply 18
Anonymous
No, go ahead I'm sorry that you're feeling like this! Maybe there needs to be a 'University isn't all it cracked up to be' thread/society
Random thought - Can you not see if the uni has any on campus accomodation going? That's if you do want to get onto campus to live, of course.
I'm sorry that you're feeling like this! Maybe there needs to be a 'University isn't all it cracked up to be' thread/society Random thought - Can you not see if the uni has any on campus accomodation going? That's if you do want to get onto campus to live, of course.
I was seriously considering that, but since my parents are paying a hefty price per month on the mortgage for this place (and it is a really good flat) I don't think they'd see the logic. Plus, I think it would be worse turning up in a flat having missed the first 8 weeks, including FW, and having to endure all their inquisitive questions. "So why are you moving in so late?" "I don't have any friends". Not cool.
If nothing kicks off next week after I try and organise a few nights out, then I'll admit defeat and start firing into studying.
Reply 19
strawberry
most of the time, the problem is because you expect others to make you feel like you matter. When they don't, you don't feel like part of the group. Maybe the problem lies with you AS WELL as with them?
Entirely probable, in fact, it's quite possible. I found it quite hard to find the good group of friends that I had back at home; it took me a while and several false starts but it happened.
Looking at the above sentance should make me realise what an idiot I'm being but that's just me all over; I can't take my own advice.
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