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Difficulty talk to people
Hey,
Over the past one or two years I have noticed an decrease in my ability to talk to people. This applies to near enough everybody, except my long term girlfriend.
I am usually quite a popular guy, well liked and who gets along with most. However, whenever I'm in a one on one situation is always have difficulty making conversion and being comfortable. I always feel like I have to try and be a fun person to be with in order to make them like me. Conversation doesn't flow, I always just end up making observations of the things around us and it never really goes anywhere. Exactly how do you find things to talk about? I remember when I was 13-15 I could chat to people so well, we would always have a laugh. Now those same people I am always in hollow conversation or silence with.
Whenever I go round my mates houses, usually 2-4 of us go round. Things are usually fun then, I am good at chatting with people whenever it's in a big group. I guess it's because the pressure is off, if nobody is having a good time it's not my fault. When its one on one or in a group or 3 I always feel that we should be laughing or having fun, it always makes me feel awkward and it always makes me feel like I should be doing something.
This isn't just teenage awkwardness or the growing up thing, I'm 18 and leaving for university next year.
Anyone else feel like this? I don't want you all to thing I'm a mute or a loser, if people know I was posting this they'd be quite shocked I think.
Thanks
PS. Anon or delete.
Over the past one or two years I have noticed an decrease in my ability to talk to people. This applies to near enough everybody, except my long term girlfriend.
I am usually quite a popular guy, well liked and who gets along with most. However, whenever I'm in a one on one situation is always have difficulty making conversion and being comfortable. I always feel like I have to try and be a fun person to be with in order to make them like me. Conversation doesn't flow, I always just end up making observations of the things around us and it never really goes anywhere. Exactly how do you find things to talk about? I remember when I was 13-15 I could chat to people so well, we would always have a laugh. Now those same people I am always in hollow conversation or silence with.
Whenever I go round my mates houses, usually 2-4 of us go round. Things are usually fun then, I am good at chatting with people whenever it's in a big group. I guess it's because the pressure is off, if nobody is having a good time it's not my fault. When its one on one or in a group or 3 I always feel that we should be laughing or having fun, it always makes me feel awkward and it always makes me feel like I should be doing something.
This isn't just teenage awkwardness or the growing up thing, I'm 18 and leaving for university next year.
Anyone else feel like this? I don't want you all to thing I'm a mute or a loser, if people know I was posting this they'd be quite shocked I think.
Thanks
PS. Anon or delete.
Reply 1
I sometimes get like this, but usually only with people I'm not really comfortable with, which I guess is slightly different to you.
I find that it helps to think about the things you have in common with the people you're with?
Like how you know them, what you like about them and things like that.
I think everyone has awkward times though, so don't worry too much!
Hope I was helpful
I find that it helps to think about the things you have in common with the people you're with?
Like how you know them, what you like about them and things like that.
I think everyone has awkward times though, so don't worry too much!
Hope I was helpful
Reply 2
I think you're trying TOO hard and that's where things are going wrong. If you are trying too hard to make conversation about everything around you and not just relaxing when there are silences it will start to make people uncomfortable.
Instead of trying to prove how funny/witty you are, focus on making the other person feel good ie ask them questions about themselves and actually listen when they reply. It's obvious when someone is just firing out questions to appear interested and when someone is genuinely taking in what you're saying. If you listen carefully to what people are saying in conversation, you can follow on from what they say ie "You mentioned you lived abroad...how did you find that?"...it's a really easy thing to do yet works wonders because it shows your taking in what someone is telling you and not just trying to butt in and talk about yourself.
As for topics of convo, why don't you start off with something simple like asking someone how their weekend was or how revision is going. Don't be afraid of asking seemingly boring questions, people tend to enjoy talking about themselves whatever the topic. If you feel that you genuinely have nothing interesting to say there are a number of ways you can broaden your conversation skills. Try reading the newspaper or watching the news regularly as it'll give you something to talk about, bring up a film you have seen recently and ask whether people have seen/enjoyed it; also perhaps you should make a folder of topics which you could use in awkward silences with funny stories or controversial topics - you could pull something out the bag when the convo turns stale, there are lots of ways around this!
Most importantly you need to develop more confidence from within, don't worry about trying to prove yourself to others in convo, being friendly is one thing, but coming across as edgy and desperate is another. If you learn more about yourself, ie what you like/dislike you will find it easier to react and talk to others in conversation. For example, one of my friend told a funny story about what happened on a trip abroad and I was able to join in because a similar thing had happened to me. More often than not however, you're not gonna automatically have something in common with someone, so at the very least laugh at what they're saying (if it's funny!) and take an interest and that should get you far in life!
Instead of trying to prove how funny/witty you are, focus on making the other person feel good ie ask them questions about themselves and actually listen when they reply. It's obvious when someone is just firing out questions to appear interested and when someone is genuinely taking in what you're saying. If you listen carefully to what people are saying in conversation, you can follow on from what they say ie "You mentioned you lived abroad...how did you find that?"...it's a really easy thing to do yet works wonders because it shows your taking in what someone is telling you and not just trying to butt in and talk about yourself.
As for topics of convo, why don't you start off with something simple like asking someone how their weekend was or how revision is going. Don't be afraid of asking seemingly boring questions, people tend to enjoy talking about themselves whatever the topic. If you feel that you genuinely have nothing interesting to say there are a number of ways you can broaden your conversation skills. Try reading the newspaper or watching the news regularly as it'll give you something to talk about, bring up a film you have seen recently and ask whether people have seen/enjoyed it; also perhaps you should make a folder of topics which you could use in awkward silences with funny stories or controversial topics - you could pull something out the bag when the convo turns stale, there are lots of ways around this!
Most importantly you need to develop more confidence from within, don't worry about trying to prove yourself to others in convo, being friendly is one thing, but coming across as edgy and desperate is another. If you learn more about yourself, ie what you like/dislike you will find it easier to react and talk to others in conversation. For example, one of my friend told a funny story about what happened on a trip abroad and I was able to join in because a similar thing had happened to me. More often than not however, you're not gonna automatically have something in common with someone, so at the very least laugh at what they're saying (if it's funny!) and take an interest and that should get you far in life!
Reply 3
You are definitely not alone. I feel like this most of the time and it is worse for me because I am 25 and really should be more self assured with more conversational ability.
I absolutely hate being alone with one other person, in any situation whether it be in the pub, at work, popping out for lunch etc. I try to avoid being with just one other person because I am convinced that I am not being interesting/funny/intelligent enough and the conversation will break down at any minute. For example, I was meeting someone yesterday at a certain time but I knew that another guy was coming a little later, so I did my best to delay my arrival so I wouldn't have to be in that situation. It is nothing to do with the other person because I am like this with everyone, whether I have known the person for 5 years or have just met them.
I absolutely hate being alone with one other person, in any situation whether it be in the pub, at work, popping out for lunch etc. I try to avoid being with just one other person because I am convinced that I am not being interesting/funny/intelligent enough and the conversation will break down at any minute. For example, I was meeting someone yesterday at a certain time but I knew that another guy was coming a little later, so I did my best to delay my arrival so I wouldn't have to be in that situation. It is nothing to do with the other person because I am like this with everyone, whether I have known the person for 5 years or have just met them.
Reply 4
Sorry to hijack your thread but I have the same problems. The only person who I feel totally at ease with, and can always make conversation with is my long-term boyfriend. Even with my small group of best friends, after a while I'll find it hard to think of anything to say. I'm just not chatty at all and I worry that people will mistake this lack of things to say for me being a really boring person. I pretty much avoid talking to strangers and if someone new tries to introduce themselves at a party I just politely say hello then find and excuse to get away before they try and start a conversation.
I'm absolutely terrible with phones. I don't mind answering my mobile because I know who's ringing, but if I'm at home and the house phone rings, I hate answering and generally don't, which annoys my mum, but I really do fear answering it!
It's so bad that in my student home, if I know that one of my house mates is leaving to walk to uni at the same time as me, I'll go ten minutes earlier to avoid walking with them, and thus avoid awkward conversation. But if there's more than one person walking to uni, I'm happy to walk with them. If I do find myself stuck talking with a person I don't know that well, I always revert to small talk, and as a typical Brit, I usually end up commenting on the weather.
I think it's partly the reason why I've put off getting a job for so long. I had one for a couple of months when I was 16 but my boss was shouty and strict and I could never follow her instructions. I'd also find it really hard to work in a shop or restaurant because if I saw someone I knew or had to serve them, I'd feel so nervous and embarrassed. I definitely wasn't this bad in my younger teens, but now I'm 20 and I feel so socially retarded!
Sorry that I can't offer any help OP, but at least you know you're not the only one.
I'm absolutely terrible with phones. I don't mind answering my mobile because I know who's ringing, but if I'm at home and the house phone rings, I hate answering and generally don't, which annoys my mum, but I really do fear answering it!
It's so bad that in my student home, if I know that one of my house mates is leaving to walk to uni at the same time as me, I'll go ten minutes earlier to avoid walking with them, and thus avoid awkward conversation. But if there's more than one person walking to uni, I'm happy to walk with them. If I do find myself stuck talking with a person I don't know that well, I always revert to small talk, and as a typical Brit, I usually end up commenting on the weather.
I think it's partly the reason why I've put off getting a job for so long. I had one for a couple of months when I was 16 but my boss was shouty and strict and I could never follow her instructions. I'd also find it really hard to work in a shop or restaurant because if I saw someone I knew or had to serve them, I'd feel so nervous and embarrassed. I definitely wasn't this bad in my younger teens, but now I'm 20 and I feel so socially retarded!
Sorry that I can't offer any help OP, but at least you know you're not the only one.
Reply 5
AdaD
You are definitely not alone. I feel like this most of the time and it is worse for me because I am 25 and really should be more self assured with more conversational ability.
I absolutely hate being alone with one other person, in any situation whether it be in the pub, at work, popping out for lunch etc. I try to avoid being with just one other person because I am convinced that I am not being interesting/funny/intelligent enough and the conversation will break down at any minute. For example, I was meeting someone yesterday at a certain time but I knew that another guy was coming a little later, so I did my best to delay my arrival so I wouldn't have to be in that situation. It is nothing to do with the other person because I am like this with everyone, whether I have known the person for 5 years or have just met them.
I absolutely hate being alone with one other person, in any situation whether it be in the pub, at work, popping out for lunch etc. I try to avoid being with just one other person because I am convinced that I am not being interesting/funny/intelligent enough and the conversation will break down at any minute. For example, I was meeting someone yesterday at a certain time but I knew that another guy was coming a little later, so I did my best to delay my arrival so I wouldn't have to be in that situation. It is nothing to do with the other person because I am like this with everyone, whether I have known the person for 5 years or have just met them.
Face your fears and you'll live your dreams. Avoiding the situation for the rest of your life is not going to get you anywhere. You have to make a hash of things at some point in order to improve. You may think your happier cutting yourself off from people like this, but deep down you'll feel begin to feel lonely and inadequate. Conversation is probably the hardest and most underrated skill of all, and the only way to improve, like with everything else, is practise.
Reply 6
Anonymous
Sorry to hijack your thread but I have the same problems. The only person who I feel totally at ease with, and can always make conversation with is my long-term boyfriend. Even with my small group of best friends, after a while I'll find it hard to think of anything to say. I'm just not chatty at all and I worry that people will mistake this lack of things to say for me being a really boring person. I pretty much avoid talking to strangers and if someone new tries to introduce themselves at a party I just politely say hello then find and excuse to get away before they try and start a conversation.
I'm absolutely terrible with phones. I don't mind answering my mobile because I know who's ringing, but if I'm at home and the house phone rings, I hate answering and generally don't, which annoys my mum, but I really do fear answering it!
It's so bad that in my student home, if I know that one of my house mates is leaving to walk to uni at the same time as me, I'll go ten minutes earlier to avoid walking with them, and thus avoid awkward conversation. But if there's more than one person walking to uni, I'm happy to walk with them. If I do find myself stuck talking with a person I don't know that well, I always revert to small talk, and as a typical Brit, I usually end up commenting on the weather.
I think it's partly the reason why I've put off getting a job for so long. I had one for a couple of months when I was 16 but my boss was shouty and strict and I could never follow her instructions. I'd also find it really hard to work in a shop or restaurant because if I saw someone I knew or had to serve them, I'd feel so nervous and embarrassed. I definitely wasn't this bad in my younger teens, but now I'm 20 and I feel so socially retarded!
Sorry that I can't offer any help OP, but at least you know you're not the only one.
I'm absolutely terrible with phones. I don't mind answering my mobile because I know who's ringing, but if I'm at home and the house phone rings, I hate answering and generally don't, which annoys my mum, but I really do fear answering it!
It's so bad that in my student home, if I know that one of my house mates is leaving to walk to uni at the same time as me, I'll go ten minutes earlier to avoid walking with them, and thus avoid awkward conversation. But if there's more than one person walking to uni, I'm happy to walk with them. If I do find myself stuck talking with a person I don't know that well, I always revert to small talk, and as a typical Brit, I usually end up commenting on the weather.
I think it's partly the reason why I've put off getting a job for so long. I had one for a couple of months when I was 16 but my boss was shouty and strict and I could never follow her instructions. I'd also find it really hard to work in a shop or restaurant because if I saw someone I knew or had to serve them, I'd feel so nervous and embarrassed. I definitely wasn't this bad in my younger teens, but now I'm 20 and I feel so socially retarded!
Sorry that I can't offer any help OP, but at least you know you're not the only one.
Why do you avoid talking to people?
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