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GCSE English 40 marker

I have my upcoming exams soon and was wondering if some people could look over what I have written and tell me what I did wrong and how to improve, as well as some overall feedback.



WRITE THE OPENING PART OF A STORY ABOUT A PLACE DURING A STORM…



The light and frail drops of rain began to fall out of the sky in a hurry, I looked up wondering what on earth could be happening on such a gorgeous day but, it would seem my senses were off, this was not a gorgeous day. Soon the wind began to pick up and the once warmth and earthy soil began freezing and transforming into an almost permafrost that gnawed at my toes as I ran bare foot to the car, feeling every drop of a branch or fall of a nest through vibrations in the ground. Water began pouring as I ran through the forest, the liquid clouding my vision and making everything a soft blur, flashes and crackles of lightning and thunder struck and hammered down on the emerald green trees behind me, the bang creating a shockwave that would blast me to the ground, in its place all that was left from the mighty and gargantuan tree was a crooked stump with ash and whisps of fire swaying around it on the ground. I heard a clock ticking.



It was clear to me now. Summer. It was a cruel trick that could churn my mind into a false sense of security and barrage my brain with exciting and rapid thoughts, firing neuron after neuron like little fireworks in my head. All this blinded me from seeing the deadly destruction of nature and its friends. As the wind picked up it almost seemed like I was as well, each pulse of shivering wind swept my feet off the ground and after a moment or two sent me rapidly blasting me back to the ground. Dropping into a puddle that was trying to become a lake and succeeding, like a lake it seemed to be swallowing my body as I lay there on the ground, lifeless as the rain kept on pouring, each droplet adding to my weight and dampening my mood into a new low that I could not stop. The bruises and scuffs on my knees were throbbing as ruby red blood eagerly attempted to clots the gashes in my knees, the wounds opening my body like a portal for all the world to see, a new wave of vulnerability and distortion entered my conscience and nature clearly took no pity. Tick tock tick tock.



As my body trembled and murmured, I began to feel life send a shockwave into my body, the same feeling as the bolt had done only a few moments ago, my nails scratched the thick mud around me, clawing it at so my body could find stability. The end of my fingers were going numb and rabid as new scratched and sensations blinded my senses once more. Slowly my corpse found more stability on the ground and my eyes darted around to see what I could do, the greens now grey. The flowers that I saw but only an hour ago were now curled up and shrivelled on the ground and I knew I would be next. I eventually managed to scramble my way off the floor as my feet were enveloped with mud, the solution at my feet now turning into quicksand, as I began to move my feet once again the mud gripped at my feet and held me back, requiring more impulses of energy to get me out of this trap that my friends had put me into. The clock struck three.



Soon I began to see life once again, a rusty and tattered old car that I had parked, a new hope at salvation and freedom. I assembled what energy I had left and began to sprint to the car as the rain dragged me down and my hair grasping at what droplets it could, my own flesh was working against me like something was taking me down from the inside out. The closer I got to the finish line the further away it seemed, the dusty pebbles that the wheels and tyres had created were now enveloped and inflamed with course and watery gravel. The wind picked up, finally something was on my side as I sprinted down the old path, all senses has been destroyed at this point, my only focus was that damn car. As I kept on going faster and faster the wind pushed at me even more until I somehow got too close, I couldn’t stop fast enough! SLAM! My rugged and spot-filled face had now slammed into the car, that was when the ringing began. A high-pitched frequency echoed in and out of my ears as my hearing went silent and my eyes went numb. My only hope had been destroyed and soon after I was enveloped into a cloudy blanket of searing white light with light chimes from butterflies that were circling my head and I abandoned what was left of my body and jumped into the car and drove away as what was left was once a part of me but now it was covered in dark green foliage and lost to the harsh clock of time.
(edited 1 year ago)
amazing
Reply 2
Your sentences are too long and need to be broken up with punctuation other than commas. Read it out loud, find the natural breaks and amend accordingly.

Some of it makes no sense or you are using the wrong word, eg "eagerly attempted to clots the gashes in my knees", "were going numb and rabid as new scratched and sensations blinded my senses once more."

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