creative writing help!! pls help lol

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clauclauclau
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#1
Report Thread starter 4 days ago
#1
hiii im new to this but will somebody pls mark my creative writing sample i wrote up? any feedback counts, thank u!!


“journey to hell”

silence. complete and utter silence. slowly, after what felt like an eternity, James peeled his eyes open, held out his heavy hands in front of him and began to comprehend the world around him. with his best Sunday school alb laid down next to his, he sat on what seemed to be an ancient, uncomfortable, harsh hospital bed that creaked loudly into the vast emptiness surrounding it at every slight movement - this was definitely not the pinnacle of relaxation James had in mind when he thought of the afterlife.

“Am I, am I dead?” he stuttered, his fragile feeble body rising from the bed.

James wasn’t exactly an exemplar man; he used to be a cynical sinner with nothing on his mind but violence. Violence that would end up taking his life. Yet, he turned his life around and became a priest, devoting his life to God while guiding others to do so too. As he stood up from the bed, he felt something call out his name. It was heaven. Walking out of the pale grey mist that swallowed his every step, his heart felt jubilant as he sauntered towards the golden gates glowing in the distance. The walk felt as natural as a new born baby entering the arms of its mother. It was euphoric.

Birds were chirping in symphony besides him as he vacantly glared into the eternal blue ocean above him. A light petrichor emanating from the bright green grass brought the place to life - it was as though the ground breathed back at him. A state of nirvana engulfed his body. It was beautiful.

After a hellishly long walk, he finally reached heaven’s doors. He couldn’t believe it! This is where I belong. This is home.

“Access denied”

He couldn’t believe it.

His smile suddenly turned into panic. Confused, he frantically tried again and again, pressing onto the fingerprint scanner, resulting in the same answer. The silence was deafening. Panic quickly turned to hysteria. It didn’t make any sense. How could an angel like him be banned from heaven’s doors?

Unknowingly accepting of what was yet to come, James turned around and reluctantly started making his way down the beaming stairs to the only other option. The abhorrent place he has been warning his people about for years: hell.

The once joyous birds now lay dead, their chirping sounds being replaced by a cold shriek. The glorious blue sky was now just a memory as the fiery copper blanket trapped everything beneath it. The macabre air was suffocating. James knew this was a mistake.

Hesitantly, he lowered his sweaty finger upon the scanner at the gates of hell, trembling uncontrollably.

“Access granted.” the scanner read out.

James let out a final sigh and closed his eyes. Silence.

Complete and utter silence.
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Silverwolf16
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#2
Report 3 days ago
#2
It's really good with some great adjectives and different sentence structures. I would however add a few more metaphors, alliteration and similes though adding more detail on the other senses. Exaggeration is also a good way show hysteria, a good way to do this is to repeat a word or phrase 3 times, thus technique is called epizuxis. Exp " it didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense. It didn't make ANY sense." Sibilance also would add to the atmosphere.

Over all from an a level lit lang student I would guess it would be a solid 5 or above. Hope this helps and gives you ideas. Good luck
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clauclauclau
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#3
Report Thread starter 3 days ago
#3
(Original post by Silverwolf16)
It's really good with some great adjectives and different sentence structures. I would however add a few more metaphors, alliteration and similes though adding more detail on the other senses. Exaggeration is also a good way show hysteria, a good way to do this is to repeat a word or phrase 3 times, thus technique is called epizuxis. Exp " it didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense. It didn't make ANY sense." Sibilance also would add to the atmosphere.

Over all from an a level lit lang student I would guess it would be a solid 5 or above. Hope this helps and gives you ideas. Good luck
thank you so much!! where abouts would you suggest to add some more metaphors/similes?
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