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creative writing GCSE

as the english language paper1 exam is in less than a week can someone give me feedback on this pre-planned plot.

From silvery grey clouds, strong and bold, fell snowflakes like angels, fluttering down from the sky with such grace and elegance as they softly land on the earth with an inaudible thud. They began dancing along the whistling winds and twirling around for their audience- an immense crowd of eager children who welcomed the performance with laughter and gratitude.

Moments before, a pitch-black car emerged from a distance and arrived at a service station labelled by a blue sign which reads “visitors' service area”. There were dozens of rest areas along the motorway. Some bigger, more advanced, all less isolated. But this one, apparently, was the one fate had chosen for the woman driving the car while her tears formed a relentless stream travelling down her face in a response to the rather heart-breaking news she had just received.

The visitor’s rest area was one room a long rectangle following the spine of the roof, with public restrooms in the back. Wooden chairs, a broad table, and benches along the wall, none of which were particularly comfortable as they would twist and creak with every slight movement, filling the vast silence with loud echo. Nearby, a vending machine and racks of tourism brochures in radiant, vibrant colours drawing the attention of whoever walks through the door and change the look in their eyes from boredom to curiosity in no time. The room felt both cramped and cavernous, for there was an approximate number of six other visitors within the room.

Currently, the woman was headed back to the building, feeling another migraine nip at the edges of her thoughts. The snowstorm had kicked up again, obscuring the mountains with windswept snowflakes. A sharp gust of wind raced up behind her, creaking the fir trees, whipping her jacket taut. She unconsciously counted the cars in the parking lot as she walked three, plus her pitch-black car. A grey car, a red one, and an unidentified vehicle, all half-buried by rolling waves of frost.

On her way, she chose to circle through the parking lot, around this small collection of trapped cars. No reason really. She would later look back on this mindless decision many times tonight and wonder how differently her night might’ve played out if she’d merely headed back to where she departed from. She passed the row of vehicles. There was a car, completely buried, just an unrecognisable mound of snow. She couldn’t even discern the paint colour it could be a skip for all she knew. Something broad and boxy. It’d been here the longest of the four vehicles. The woman chose to ignore it, and instead, she headed for the grey bulky vehicle.

Catching a blade of reflected light as she passed it, and inside of it, she glimpsed something pale. A hand. A tiny, doll-like hand. She halted mid-step, a breath trapped in her lungs. This petite hand began shaking as it slowly reached to thud against the icy glass with trivial force, followed by a gentle whisper of a single dreadful word over and over again "help". On the fifth whisper, all five fingers wrapped around a grate-like material before abruptly drawing back into the still darkness. Gone from the view.

Perplexed. It all happened in three, maybe four seconds, leaving the women in stunned silence searching desperately for any traces of the pale petite hand that moments ago caused a rush of panicked adrenaline.

It has to be a dream. The interior was quiet. Motionless again. She crept closer, cupping her hands against the window, squinting inside. Her eyelashes fluttered on the frosty glass near where the tiny hand had vanished, The woman exhaled a mistake and the glass went opaque with her breath. But she’d seen it. There was no way to overlook it. She stepped away, leaving a handprint on the door, feeling her heartbeat pounding in her neck. An intensifying rhythm. With certainty, she concluded:

There’s a child locked inside.
That is really good , only thing I would say is just to try and make it really clear what is happening at different parts.
Reply 2
Original post by kiran.k.s.16
That is really good , only thing I would say is just to try and make it really clear what is happening at different parts.

thank you, i have been told to condense it by my teacher and to avoid relating to a dream so i will definetly make it more clear and concise
well done - it's really good and i like the cold imagery you used! small thing, but make sure you're being consistent with the past tense - for example, in the first paragraph, the snowflakes 'softly landed', and for the last line it makes more sense to say 'There was a child locked inside', since the rest is in past tense. also, you might want to avoid contractions, as i think you get more marks for having a formal tone - e.g. in the 5th paragraph, say 'it had' instead of 'it'd'. im not sure which exam board you do, but i do aqa and my teacher always tells us to try to incorporate cyclical structure. maybe include something about the snowflakes at the end too, but slightly develop the description, describing them as evil or malicious rather than as 'angels' like they were at the start. this would also demonstrate the contrast between the happy children at the start and the trapped one at the end. make sure you explain a bit more what the heartbreaking news is, as it's a little confusing for the reader at the moment. other than that, there is lots of good vocab and a range of language devices, so i think you'll do really well!

good luck :smile:
Reply 4
ha

Original post by potatoes25
well done - it's really good and i like the cold imagery you used! small thing, but make sure you're being consistent with the past tense - for example, in the first paragraph, the snowflakes 'softly landed', and for the last line it makes more sense to say 'There was a child locked inside', since the rest is in past tense. also, you might want to avoid contractions, as i think you get more marks for having a formal tone - e.g. in the 5th paragraph, say 'it had' instead of 'it'd'. im not sure which exam board you do, but i do aqa and my teacher always tells us to try to incorporate cyclical structure. maybe include something about the snowflakes at the end too, but slightly develop the description, describing them as evil or malicious rather than as 'angels' like they were at the start. this would also demonstrate the contrast between the happy children at the start and the trapped one at the end. make sure you explain a bit more what the heartbreaking news is, as it's a little confusing for the reader at the moment. other than that, there is lots of good vocab and a range of language devices, so i think you'll do really well!

good luck :smile:

thank you so much you dont understand how much you have helped me, i follow aqa and when looking at some model examples i have been told by my teacher that leaving confusing events allow readers to guess which makes them engaged to find out what actually happened. i will fix the tense and have a g at creating a cyclical structure but thank you so much again.
Reply 5
Original post by potatoes25
well done - it's really good and i like the cold imagery you used! small thing, but make sure you're being consistent with the past tense - for example, in the first paragraph, the snowflakes 'softly landed', and for the last line it makes more sense to say 'There was a child locked inside', since the rest is in past tense. also, you might want to avoid contractions, as i think you get more marks for having a formal tone - e.g. in the 5th paragraph, say 'it had' instead of 'it'd'. im not sure which exam board you do, but i do aqa and my teacher always tells us to try to incorporate cyclical structure. maybe include something about the snowflakes at the end too, but slightly develop the description, describing them as evil or malicious rather than as 'angels' like they were at the start. this would also demonstrate the contrast between the happy children at the start and the trapped one at the end. make sure you explain a bit more what the heartbreaking news is, as it's a little confusing for the reader at the moment. other than that, there is lots of good vocab and a range of language devices, so i think you'll do really well!

good luck :smile:

I have attempted to fix the text and here are some things that i kept in mind:
- maintaing a past tense
- single word scentences
- presenting nature as a villian
- naming the woman
- consolidating and condensing the text
could you please have a look at it if you could? thank you in advance

From silvery grey clouds, strong and bold, fell snowflakes like angels, fluttering down with such grace and elegance as they softly landed on the earth with an inaudible thud. They began dancing along the whistling winds, twirling around for their audience: an immense crowd of eager children who gathered around to welcome the performance with laughter and gratitude.

Ivy was headed back to the visitors’ rest area, feeling another migraine nip at the edge of her thoughts following the relentless stream of tears which had become a company for her after receiving the heartbreaking news of her mother’s death. The snowstorm had kicked up again, obscuring the mountains with windswept snowflakes. A sharp gust of wind raced up behind her, creaking the fir trees, whipping her jacket taut. She unconsciously counted the cars in the parking lot as she walked- three, plus her black car. A grey car, a red one, and an unidentified vehicle, all half-buried with rolling waves of frost.

Curious about the unidentified mould of snow, Ivy courageously headed towards the vehicle oblivious of what awaits her. She would later look back on this decision and wonder how differently her day might’ve played out if she had simply headed back to where she departed from.

There settled a car, completely buried, wrapped like a gift with pearly white snow. Ivy stood an arm length away from the car, contemplating her decision of discovering what lies beneath the dozen layers of snow. She couldn’t even discern the paint colour- it could be a skip for all she knew. Something broad and boxy. Nonetheless, Ivy remained certain that her decision was righteous and heroic.

Catching a blade of reflected light as she passed it, and inside of it, she glimpsed something pale. A hand. A tiny, doll-like hand. She halted mid-step, a breath trapped in her lungs. This petite hand began shaking as it slowly reached to thud against the icy glass with trivial force, followed by a gentle whisper of a single dreadful word over and over again….

“Help”

As Ivy reached for the miniature hand through a tiny crack in the window, snowflakes rushed to occlude the view with brutal force, hindering Ivy’s attempts to save the frostbitten abandoned child..

Perplexed.

The interior was quiet. Motionless again. Alarmed, Ivy began desperately wiping away the snow in futile attempts until her hands grew numb with cold. She stepped away leaving a handprint on the door, feeling her heartbeat pounding in her neck. An intensifying rhythm. With certainty, she concluded:

There was a child locked inside.
Hi! this seems really good! i really like the bit about the snowflakes blocking her view at the end. the beginning is very effective, but there a few things i would change in the middle paragraphs. i'll just add a few small changes below in bold :smile:




Curious about the unidentified mould of snow, Ivy courageously headed towards the vehicle, oblivious of what awaited her. She would later look back on this decision and wonder how differently her day might have played out if she had simply headed back to where she departed from.

There settled a car, completely buried, wrapped like a gift with pearly white snow. Ivy stood an arm's length away from the car, contemplating her decision of discovering what lay beneath the dozen layers of snow. She could not even discern the paint colour- it could be a skip for all she knew. Something broad and boxy. Nonetheless, Ivy remained certain that her decision was righteous and heroic.

Catching a blade of reflected light as she passed it, she paused, and inside of it, she glimpsed something pale. A hand. A tiny, doll-like hand. She halted mid-step, a breath trapped in her lungs. This petite hand began shaking as it slowly reached to thud against the icy glass with trivial force, followed by a gentle whisper of a single dreadful word over and over again….

“Help.

As Ivy reached for the miniature hand through a tiny crack in the window, snowflakes rushed to occlude the view with brutal force, hindering Ivy’s attempts to save the frostbitten abandoned child... (it would be better not to mention the child here, as the ending is more effective if the reader is previously unaware of them)

Perplexed.

The interior was quiet. Motionless again. Alarmed, Ivy began desperately wiping away the snow in a futile attempt to reveal the hand once more, but her fingers grew numb with cold. She stepped away, leaving a handprint on the door, feeling her heartbeat pounding in her neck. An intensifying rhythm. With certainty, she concluded:

There was a child locked inside.



hope this helps! its really good though
Reply 7
Original post by potatoes25
Hi! this seems really good! i really like the bit about the snowflakes blocking her view at the end. the beginning is very effective, but there a few things i would change in the middle paragraphs. i'll just add a few small changes below in bold :smile:




Curious about the unidentified mould of snow, Ivy courageously headed towards the vehicle, oblivious of what awaited her. She would later look back on this decision and wonder how differently her day might have played out if she had simply headed back to where she departed from.

There settled a car, completely buried, wrapped like a gift with pearly white snow. Ivy stood an arm's length away from the car, contemplating her decision of discovering what lay beneath the dozen layers of snow. She could not even discern the paint colour- it could be a skip for all she knew. Something broad and boxy. Nonetheless, Ivy remained certain that her decision was righteous and heroic.

Catching a blade of reflected light as she passed it, she paused, and inside of it, she glimpsed something pale. A hand. A tiny, doll-like hand. She halted mid-step, a breath trapped in her lungs. This petite hand began shaking as it slowly reached to thud against the icy glass with trivial force, followed by a gentle whisper of a single dreadful word over and over again….

“Help.

As Ivy reached for the miniature hand through a tiny crack in the window, snowflakes rushed to occlude the view with brutal force, hindering Ivy’s attempts to save the frostbitten abandoned child... (it would be better not to mention the child here, as the ending is more effective if the reader is previously unaware of them)

Perplexed.

The interior was quiet. Motionless again. Alarmed, Ivy began desperately wiping away the snow in a futile attempt to reveal the hand once more, but her fingers grew numb with cold. She stepped away, leaving a handprint on the door, feeling her heartbeat pounding in her neck. An intensifying rhythm. With certainty, she concluded:

There was a child locked inside.


hope this helps! its really good though

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
That was so helpful I really appreciate it I will definitely take your advice, I hope you have a wonderful day.
Original post by MAJ856
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!
That was so helpful I really appreciate it I will definitely take your advice, I hope you have a wonderful day.

no problem :smile:

good luck for exams!

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