The Student Room Group

P1 Q5 english language

could someone take a look at this and give it a mark pleaseee would appreciate it so much!
It was 11 pm. I just got off from closing at the boxing gym, I look out the window and, to my dismay I see the rain pouring down like a shroud of misery. I walked out of the boxing gym, pulled my hood up, and began to walk home. The night was dark and deserted, yet it felt suffocating as the rain fell like bullets. I was alone in solitary… no one was to be seen. Huge gusts of wind started to violently howl like a pack of wolves which furiously swayed the trees back and forth which made me quicken my pace and grasp my hood as tight as ever. I had a sense of foreboding but quickly dismissed it and blamed it on the treacherous weather which didn't make me feel much better. I turned the corner and faced the alleyway I always dreaded when walking home.

The alleyway was dark and sinister.Shivers ran down my spine when encountering the alleyway, but I had to walk through it. I didn't have a problem defending myself if I ever encountered someone strange but I always felt a sense of foreboding and nausea which disturbed me the most. The smell of the alleyway was overwhelming and grotesque as if a pile of dead bodies had been dumped near the location. Overtowering piles of garbage and liquor bottles were left discarded to the side of the alley and the liquor bottles smashed against the consolidated wall. The thoughts of what must go on in this alley are truly disturbing and it's just a matter of time before I am in that situation.

I resumed grasping my hood to shelter myself from the shards of rain that pricked at my face and paced my way through the alleyway. I froze…I stumbled and took a few steps back to compose myself after what I think I just heard. I listen and hear distant spurting and coughing. Despite me being alarmed I pace forward trying to catch where the disturbing sound is coming from. As I took each step forward the noise became more intense and unsettling, so I promptly increased my speed.

I then saw my whole childhood misery before my eyes.

The distorted hooded figure grabbed onto his collars with a sickening determination on his face as he continuously punched him back and forth like a punching bag. I could feel my anger and fury rising as I curled my hands into fists, he was hopeless. He began blurting out the words ‘sorry’ and ‘stop’ as the velvet river poured from his mouth choking him. It trickled effortlessly down the alley, forming a stream of blood to where I was standing. I couldn't take any more and immediately darted towards this repulsive human and jabbed my fist through his jaw causing his body to pound against the concrete. I impulsively grabbed his collars and sneered make sure I never see you again unless you want your living existence to be terminated’ . He suddenly backed away and scurried off like a rat with a look of fear and alarm on his face.

I turn and see the boy hopelessly laid on the floor with gashes on his face and arms. He looked around the age of 16. I reached out my arm to help him and grasped his arm over my shoulders. Hurriedly I took him to the boxing gym, laid him on the floor, and bandaged up his wounds. He rose, thanked me, and told me how he got into this horrific situation, and it was at that moment when I saw my younger self in this boy's eyes. The loss of parents, guilt, and the feeling of a never-ending cycle. I then knew I had to take him under my own wing.
(edited 1 year ago)
i think you need to do more showing instead of telling the reader what you are doing. create the atmosphere, make them on the edge... for example, "he looked around the age of 16" - you could say "the innocence of the fearful boy, with homework flying out of his backpack uncontrollably..." something along the lines of that, homework suggests he is still a kid and thats his main responsibility.

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