Muslim girl dating a Christian boy in the US Air Force

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thatsgrape
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#1
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#1
Hi,

I know this title is crazy, but I've got some things I'd like to get off my chest.
I met this guy online and have been talking to him every day since we met about 8 months ago. To begin with I really felt like I clicked with him, we get on in a way that I've never really experienced before, despite us coming from completely different worlds. A few months ago he moved to the U.K for his job in the Air Force and we've been meeting nearly every weekend since.

Early on we had a conversation about what our goals are in life, and with both of us coming from religious backgrounds we value marriage and the idea of a family and I explained to him that I won’t date anyone unless I can see a real possibility of a future with them and he said it way the same for him (?), and with that in mind we began dating.

To begin with, he was kind to me, polite and seemed genuinely into me, but the more we spoke and met I could feel him becoming less interested in me. I've known his political views are different to mine, he says he's neutral but some of the things he says sometimes are very much right wing. Which I don't have an issue with - I believe people are entailed to different opinions, as long as they're respectful, but it does make me wonder about how be perceives me - a muslim girl, a daughter of immigrants.

Ever since knowing him I've felt my self esteem lower, he barely compliments me, never remembers any details about me sometimes even forgets to ask about my day. Whenever I bring up an idea I have for a project he discourages me and i cant help but feel like he's judgemental of me. I can feel myself withdrawing and losing confidence. I look to him for approval, I want to make him happy, but I just never can. We met recently and I saw that someone had painted his nail, I asked him about it and he just brushed it off. I'm not sure if that really bothers me because we never really agreed to being in a relationship but it makes me think that maybe he doesn't value our 'relationship' enough to set boundaries with other women.

At this point I feel depressed, I know I deserve better - I want better, I'm tired of his toxic patterns and letting him make me feel insufficient. But I just feel trapped in a cycle of trying to let him go and then him love bombing me telling me how he needs me and he can't let go. And my dumbass falls for it every time. I don't know if i love him, but the idea of dropping him leaves an empty feeling in my chest. I'm in my last year of uni and struggling to cope with his impact on my self esteem and work pressures.

I need some advice. I'm genuinely struggling. Please be kind to me lol I'm at a breaking point.

Thank you
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drumdrumdrum
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#2
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#2
Sorry to hear this! Sounds like you've made your mind up though and he's not the right guy. The longer you leave it the harder it will get, rip off the band aid (imo). Good luck!
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username5706823
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#3
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#3
Break up with him if he's making you feel **** OP.
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thatsgrape
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#4
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#4
(Original post by Summer Bird)
Break up with him if he's making you feel **** OP.
I know. It's just tough! But i know what i need to do
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username5706823
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#5
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#5
(Original post by thatsgrape)
I know. It's just tough! But i know what i need to do
Yes. You do what's right OP, don't let anyone make you feel like that. :console:
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username5706823
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Anonymous)
Think..
Allah made it haraam for a reason
Talk to Allah about it
What reason? :confused:.
Just because OP found a prick doesn't mean that every non-Muslim guys are pricks :rolleyes:.
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thatsgrape
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#7
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#7
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
why would a Muslim date someone fighting for Israel?
This is something we argued about often, but he reassured me the only reason he entered was to get a free education because he wouldn't be able to get one otherwise and would leave once he get his degree. I mean it's still not acceptable but it made sense to me at the time.
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thatsgrape
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Anonymous)
Think..
Allah made it haraam for a reason
Talk to Allah about it
Thank you. You're right, and I have. I know my fault in this and know why I feel this crap. Pray for me
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londonmyst
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#9
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#9
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
Remember that life is too short to waste your valuable time and emotion on those that don't deserve any.
A positive and mutually beneficial relationship where both people are happy is based upon compatibility, mutual attraction, some shared values and similar lifestyle preferences.

It is better to be alone than be feeling trapped in a negative relationship where you are unhappy and with the wrong person.
Or are frequently being abused by a controlling or toxic individual who only views you as a servant/personal punchbag/possession/source to obtain sex & maybe some domestic comforts/inferior being who he has settled for.

I do understand some of how you feel.
I've been in several interfaith relationships with guys of a variety of backgrounds & beliefs, so has my best friend.
My best friend is a follower of the liberal islamic sect led by the aga khan, I'm lazy catholic.

I support interfaith relationships & marriages but am all too well aware of the potential for abuse and conflict.
My mother was raised in a brutal ultra-traditionalist religious household with a medievalist mindset, centuries of religious endogamy and arranged marriages.
When she came home to tell her family that she had decided to marry an atheist she was almost beaten to death and disinherited.
Good luck!
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thatsgrape
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#10
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#10
Any advice on how to break up in a kind of relationship with a manipulative guy? Tried multiple times this **** just doesnt work
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Allah's_Hijabi
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#11
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#11
(Original post by thatsgrape)
Any advice on how to break up in a kind of relationship with a manipulative guy? Tried multiple times this **** just doesnt work
screenshot all the racist **** he says and link it to his number/name/pic
delete him
block him
if he tries to contact, request he stops talking to you and screenshot that for evidence
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londonmyst
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#12
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#12
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
why would a Muslim date someone fighting for Israel?
Many of those who choose to date them are either: showing their support for the state of israel, have served themselves, have relatives with israeli citizenship or believe that politics & nationality are irrelevant in their dating lives.
Conscription is mandatory by law for all healthy israeli citizens without criminal records of a particular age group that are located within israel and are druzes or have jewish grandparents.
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thatsgrape
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
OP's bit of stuff is not Israeli, he's not that important He's one of their american lackies. Just give the land back to the native Americans already and stop fighting for people who look down their noses at you
He's Mexican
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Allah's_Hijabi
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#14
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#14
(Original post by thatsgrape)
He's Mexican
mexicans can be american too
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username5706823
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#15
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#15
(Original post by thatsgrape)
He's Mexican
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
OP's bit of stuff is not Israeli, he's not that important He's one of their american lackies. Just give the land back to the native Americans already and stop fighting for people who look down their noses at you
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
screenshot all the racist **** he says and link it to his number/name/pic
delete him
block him
if he tries to contact, request he stops talking to you and screenshot that for evidence
:rofl: :rofl: I shouldn't laugh but :rofl:
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Submarine94
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#16
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#16
(Original post by thatsgrape)
Hi,

I know this title is crazy, but I've got some things I'd like to get off my chest.
I met this guy online and have been talking to him every day since we met about 8 months ago. To begin with I really felt like I clicked with him, we get on in a way that I've never really experienced before, despite us coming from completely different worlds. A few months ago he moved to the U.K for his job in the Air Force and we've been meeting nearly every weekend since.

Early on we had a conversation about what our goals are in life, and with both of us coming from religious backgrounds we value marriage and the idea of a family and I explained to him that I won’t date anyone unless I can see a real possibility of a future with them and he said it way the same for him (?), and with that in mind we began dating.

To begin with, he was kind to me, polite and seemed genuinely into me, but the more we spoke and met I could feel him becoming less interested in me. I've known his political views are different to mine, he says he's neutral but some of the things he says sometimes are very much right wing. Which I don't have an issue with - I believe people are entailed to different opinions, as long as they're respectful, but it does make me wonder about how be perceives me - a muslim girl, a daughter of immigrants.

Ever since knowing him I've felt my self esteem lower, he barely compliments me, never remembers any details about me sometimes even forgets to ask about my day. Whenever I bring up an idea I have for a project he discourages me and i cant help but feel like he's judgemental of me. I can feel myself withdrawing and losing confidence. I look to him for approval, I want to make him happy, but I just never can. We met recently and I saw that someone had painted his nail, I asked him about it and he just brushed it off. I'm not sure if that really bothers me because we never really agreed to being in a relationship but it makes me think that maybe he doesn't value our 'relationship' enough to set boundaries with other women.

At this point I feel depressed, I know I deserve better - I want better, I'm tired of his toxic patterns and letting him make me feel insufficient. But I just feel trapped in a cycle of trying to let him go and then him love bombing me telling me how he needs me and he can't let go. And my dumbass falls for it every time. I don't know if i love him, but the idea of dropping him leaves an empty feeling in my chest. I'm in my last year of uni and struggling to cope with his impact on my self esteem and work pressures.

I need some advice. I'm genuinely struggling. Please be kind to me lol I'm at a breaking point.

Thank you
I think you should leave him but ofc I know it's easier said than done. It's a toxic relationship imo and I think you already know this, plus there will always be a cultural clash which can add extra strain to the relationship. He should make you feel loved and appreciated and should be fully dedicated to you, and giving eachother regular compliments and encouragement is crucial in a relationship. You're right, everyone is entitled to their own opinion but if those opinions heavily clash with yours then that can make the relationship more complex. You mentioned that you're worried about what he actually thinks of you, i.e you being a Muslim and an immigrant etc you shouldn't have these concerns if you believe he truly and genuinely loves you. Normally people's political opinions and idealogy are heavily influenced by the people they surround themselves with (friends and family) so even if he is okay with you, there is a possibility that his family may not be (especially the older generations like his grandparents as they are from a different era and they may be more close minded and ignorant than people from our generation, who tend to be much more open minded and embrace/welcome differences, but ofc I could be wrong and his grandparents/family may be lovely). This isn't just about you and him, there are other factors to consider because you are just too different imo. Say you get married and have a child, that's when the cultural differences will truly kick in, you will want to raise your child in a different manner than he would. Personally, I would leave him as early as possible because the more you stay with him, the harder and more hurtful it will be to break up with him eventually. Better to cut off a finger, then an arm in the long run. I wish you all the best and I hope it works out for you. But the fact he doesn't really respect you by being too secretive, doesn't compliment you, and doesn't show care (not asking about your day etc) seems like a red flag to me and I think you deserve much better than this
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username5706823
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#17
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#17
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
this is no laughing matter, zina is haram n that, but even worse is getting into bed with a zionist and not even one of the important ones
So, getting into the bed of an "important" zionist is halal? :rofl:
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Allah's_Hijabi
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#18
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#18
(Original post by Summer Bird)
So, getting into the bed of an "important" zionist is halal? :rofl:
No clearly not. Im just saying OP could get smart about it
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thatsgrape
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Allah's_Hijabi)
this is no laughing matter, zina is haram n that, but even worse is getting into bed with a zionist and not even one of the important ones
No one is getting into bed with anyone thank you
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londonmyst
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#20
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#20
(Original post by thatsgrape)
Any advice on how to break up in a kind of relationship with a manipulative guy? Tried multiple times this **** just doesnt work
Just send him a very polite 'dear john' type of message, letter or email and then end all contact forever.
"I don't love you any more and know that the two of us are no longer compatible enough to keep dating or even stay in touch as friends.
I hope that you find the right woman soon and will be very happy.
Please do not contact me again or ask anyone else to try to persuade me to change my mind about ending the relationship and cutting all contact with you. I will not change my mind and do not want to be pestered or harassed.
I wish you all the best for the future and want you to know that I will never forget all the memories I have of you and the good times together."

Then immediately shut down all email accounts that he has, block him on social media and turn all your accounts private.
If he tries to get in contact with you again, do not reply and report him for harassment.

The things that you have written about his background strongly give me the impression that he has been lying to you.
About his background, job role and motivativations.
Far too much doesn't ring true nor make any sense.
I'm inclined to suspect that he either has dual-nationality and is trying to conceal it, is from a military family or has links to the diplomatic/intelligence services.
Whichever one, it gives me very nasty vibes.
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