Is it normal to think in such way?

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
My father is an extremely short-tempered, fastidious & quarrelsome old man, who has been my source of sorrow since high school.

This old man tried to dictate my choice of UG program 8 years ago. He once accused me of “having no goals in life” because I didn't prefer a program he saw as the most ideal & I couldn't make up my mind on which industry I'd like to join when I was 18 - an age when most lads prefer partying to studying.

In the 1st week of UG 7 years ago, this old man forced me to join ≥3 student societies after accusing me of being ”anti-social” because I hated hanging out in a large group with high school peers. I remember vividly how that old man interrogated me on the no. of student societies I had joined 1 week since the start - that was a Wednesday night.

I suffered through my 4 years of UG because I couldn't mingle with my schoolmates. I hated socialising 1 semester into UG, shutting myself off to the point some of my schoolmates were disgruntled with & spreading rumour against me. More so, the fact I was forced to socialise in a way dictated by my father is what ****ed me off from interacting normally with others. Both my academic performance & interpersonal relationship suffered, leaving a very bad mark that is still hurting my career tremendously.

The golden age of my life is kind of shattered largely because of that old man. The fact I am partially responsible doesn't exonerate someone else.

Now, I am a PGR elsewhere, happy to be able to stay away from that old man, but anxious about having to return next year after completing my program. I'd always think of that old man passing away earlier than the average life expectancy so that we can divide up his heritage & I don't need to work on full-time jobs to keep myself alive without the chance of enjoying life after a decade of untold suffering.

Is it normal to think in such way?
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Muttly
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#2
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If you think your Dad was an affected individual with specific outlooks on life - probably coloured by his own upbringing - what and who are you (a chip off the old block?)

You have a choice to continue to allow this man to shackle you and keep you in your mental prison. You alone have the choice to let go of him. You no longer have to live by his restrictions but you seem to need to do so?

Write a letter addressed to your Dad and put in it every single piece of information that is crucifying your mind or anything that makes you feel bitter. Once you have offloaded it all, keep the letter in a box, in a place where it is safe and out of the way. You can then allow your mind to let go of the past because everything you have ever wanted to say is all held in that letter. You don't have to send it to him or read it to anyone. This is your pact to escape from his rules of life. Then start monitoring your thoughts and should any stray Dad thoughts hit - dismiss them and tell yourself you don't need them anymore.

You do sound bitter and probably a little over indulged. Your final paragraph shows your ruthless & selfish side. You might one day even consider trying to understand your Dad's mindset and understand how he became so regimented and restricted? I wouldn't even consider that he has left you anything of his heritage or otherwise. You might get a nasty shock if it is nothing and your Dad will finally have the last laugh.
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Old Skool Freak
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Hi, I thought I'd reply in this thread as opposed to the other one (if you can remember). Sorry about the late reply, I've been away for the last day or so.

In order to move on with your life, I think you need to let go of everything your dad had done. Think of life like driving a car... you spend most of your attention on what's around you and ahead of you;... you only ever occasionally glance in your rear view mirror. Besides the past is just that, the past. Without the help of a crazy scientist and a customised sports car, there's nothing you can do to change any of this.

Whilst you can't change the past, you can control how it affects you now. It's up to you, you can either carry on resenting your father for everything he's put you through, or you can make a promise that he's not going to control or influence your life from now on (By the tone of your post, it sounds like he's still in the forefront of your mind). Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? Have you considered counselling or something similar?


I've noticed that you refer to him as "that old man" rather than father or anything similar. I don't think it's a healthy mind-set to have, and I suggest you make a decision, either try and make your peace with him, or cut him out of your life completely. As for your social skills, you'll need to work on them if you want to increase your chances fo finding a partner, or even just to enjoy life in general. A proven technique for tackling social phobias is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT... Why don't you research it and see if it's something you'd be willing to try? The key for its success is finding the right starting point; that might be just asking a shop assistant for some help with something (e.g. where is the tinned food?)


Not a definitive answer to your problems, but hopefully given you something to think about.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Old Skool Freak)
Hi, I thought I'd reply in this thread as opposed to the other one (if you can remember). Sorry about the late reply, I've been away for the last day or so.

In order to move on with your life, I think you need to let go of everything your dad had done. Think of life like driving a car... you spend most of your attention on what's around you and ahead of you;... you only ever occasionally glance in your rear view mirror. Besides the past is just that, the past. Without the help of a crazy scientist and a customised sports car, there's nothing you can do to change any of this.

Whilst you can't change the past, you can control how it affects you now. It's up to you, you can either carry on resenting your father for everything he's put you through, or you can make a promise that he's not going to control or influence your life from now on (By the tone of your post, it sounds like he's still in the forefront of your mind). Have you ever spoken to anyone about this? Have you considered counselling or something similar?


I've noticed that you refer to him as "that old man" rather than father or anything similar. I don't think it's a healthy mind-set to have, and I suggest you make a decision, either try and make your peace with him, or cut him out of your life completely. As for your social skills, you'll need to work on them if you want to increase your chances fo finding a partner, or even just to enjoy life in general. A proven technique for tackling social phobias is Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT... Why don't you research it and see if it's something you'd be willing to try? The key for its success is finding the right starting point; that might be just asking a shop assistant for some help with something (e.g. where is the tinned food?)


Not a definitive answer to your problems, but hopefully given you something to think about.
The main concern is that I am not financially independent, because I haven't able to find a job, so it is hard to break the so-called shackles to live my own life
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Old Skool Freak
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(Original post by Anonymous)
The main concern is that I am not financially independent, because I haven't able to find a job, so it is hard to break the so-called shackles to live my own life
What's stopping you from finding some temporary work (even if it is just stacking shelves in Sainsburys), signing with a recruitment agency, or (dare I say it) claiming something like JSA (IMHO, there's nothing wrong with it ON THE CONDITION, that you are genuinely and actively looking for FT work).

Don't get me wrong, if you plan on making amends with your father, then by all means go back and live with him... but I don't think it's good for either of you to be constantly in each others space and constantly at each others throats.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Old Skool Freak)
What's stopping you from finding some temporary work (even if it is just stacking shelves in Sainsburys), signing with a recruitment agency, or (dare I say it) claiming something like JSA (IMHO, there's nothing wrong with it ON THE CONDITION, that you are genuinely and actively looking for FT work).

Don't get me wrong, if you plan on making amends with your father, then by all means go back and live with him... but I don't think it's good for either of you to be constantly in each others space and constantly at each others throats.
I haven't completed my intensive PG program yet
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Old Skool Freak
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I haven't completed my intensive PG program yet
Well I was thinking more about when you've finished.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Old Skool Freak)
Well I was thinking more about when you've finished.
Let's see how the world will have changed by then. It may be worse off than it is now. I may no longer be here as well. No one knows. It is too hard to predict. Life is soooooooooo difficult.
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Amarah Mohmd
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guys im feeling really depressed I need someone to talk to
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Mohmd mohmd)
guys im feeling really depressed I need someone to talk to
Me too.
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Old Skool Freak
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#11
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(Original post by Mohmd mohmd)
guys im feeling really depressed I need someone to talk to
(Original post by Anonymous)
Me too.
Maybe the two of you can talk to each other?

@anonymous you can send Mohmd modmd a private message, so he knows who you are?
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Amarah Mohmd
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yes we can talk... can you send me msg bcz I m not able to send you...
(Original post by Old Skool Freak)
Maybe the two of you can talk to each other?

@anonymous you can send Mohmd modmd a private message, so he knows who you are?
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rebelw
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#13
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stop blaming your dad it's pointless
his opinions don't seem unusual, even if he was a bit harsh in forcing them on you. Take responsibility for your own life - noone can really force you into doing anything
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by rebelw)
stop blaming your dad it's pointless
his opinions don't seem unusual, even if he was a bit harsh in forcing them on you. Take responsibility for your own life - noone can really force you into doing anything
I failed partly because of him
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Muttly
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#15
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No if you fail going forward, it is down to you. No one else.

You are stuck in the past tense and don't want to let go of the safety blanket of your Dad as a lifelong excuse.
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Anonymous #1
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(Original post by Muttly)
No if you fail going forward, it is down to you. No one else.

You are stuck in the past tense and don't want to let go of the safety blanket of your Dad as a lifelong excuse.
Give me money, give me a flat here
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