maybe I'm just not built for academics LMAO (big rant)

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Anonymous #1
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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
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I had an exam today, which I barely revised for. It’s my fault that it went so badly. Genuinely, I think it’s my fault that things haven’t been going so well lately. It’s May now and I’ve completely wasted my first year of university and it’s way too late for me to change anything now. This academic year was supposed to be good for me- I’m at a good uni, on a good course (which I’m not hugely passionate about, but still quite like), in a good accommodation (considering I didn’t get my first halls choice) with good flatmates, and have lots of opportunities and support networks to choose from. From looking at that list, I have everything. There’s literally no reason for me to be sad or to be messing everything up for myself so much. I don’t know why I’m like this and it’s so frustrating because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my life. It’s like it’s me- I’M the problem.

I started uni in September and instantly fell back into my old habits of procrastination and time-wasting. I think my biggest enemy is myself, but also time because I’ve wasted nearly every day of uni doing absolutely nothing. It was the same towards the end of high school (the beginning is a blur to me now) and all throughout sixth form. I think I was pretty ok/good at school when I was younger so I guess I somehow just turned into a master procrastinator because I can’t submit work to my very best effort ever. I also struggle with constant daydreaming/ zoning out, a lack of organisation, executive dysfunction, time blindness, forgetfulness, and an annoying inability to concentrate and focus.

I’ve been like this since high school and it’s actually a wonder that I managed to get good GCSE and A-Level grades (grade inflation maybe?). Last year, during lockdown, when I was doing my A-Levels, I started to suspect that I had ADHD because I was not getting ANY work done and could never focus. I was like this during my GCSEs, but I just dealt with the stress of getting no work done and then cramming last minute. I guess I was just lucky to have crammed the right content before the right exams. I realised too that I actually have a lot of the other symptoms associated with inattentive ADHD in girls and adults, many of which I can remember I’ve had since I was a kid (I think? Honestly, I don’t think I’m a very reliable narrator). I told my parents and they basically just dismissed it, but let me speak to a GP about it, who also just dismissed it and suggested that I do a self-referral to my local mental health clinic. So I did that and then got referred to online CBT therapy. I was on a waiting list for around 7 months and then when the therapy started it was ok but I could never talk about the ADHD symptoms I thought I had, which was the main problem because I was too afraid to be dismissed again. I recently stopped the therapy because I kept forgetting about and missing the appointments so they discharged me. I wasn’t too sad about it but I feel like I’ve wasted an opportunity to actually get help because I never engaged with the CBT enough to make the most out of it, and now it’s gone.

I understand why no one would believe I have ADHD because I’m generally quite quiet and introverted and a bit socially anxious. It’s weird that I only see these symptoms in myself (I guess they’re more obvious when I’m by myself) because when I’m with my family, I also see symptoms of hyperactive ADHD too??? I blurt out things, unintentionally talk over other people, fidget a lot, distract my sisters and find it hard to stop myself from being annoying and disruptive. I don’t really have any close friends so I really only act like this around my family because I can be myself the most around them (I’m a nervous wreck and don’t speak much around new people). I guess they just think I’m annoying because I’m the last child and that’s kind of my job lol. Maybe it would be more obvious if I actually had friends, though.

But I guess it is also kind of a reach because I only started thinking I had a problem during lockdown and the pandemic was hard for everyone and pretty much everyone struggled with procrastination, so maybe I’m just making this up as an excuse for my own laziness (especially because ADHD is like trendy on TikTok now)/ so I won’t have to face the consequences of my inability to study? It’s annoying because it feels like I’m fully capable of achieving good things and there’s nothing stopping me (I have all the resources in my education and family), but I’m also deliberately sabotaging myself- like I don’t want to myself to succeed, but at the same time I do. I find myself so conflicting- it’s like I’m split into two one side of myself is trying so hard but the other is careless and unmotivated and full of envy and spite and bad things.

Just now, as I’m writing this, my mum called me and asked how uni/ my schoolwork is going. I lied and said it’s going ok (it is not). She told me to make some friends to study with and socialise with lolllll. If only she knew how hard I tried in the beginning (I started giving up towards February)! I just cried and now I feel mostly pathetic! I was excited to come to uni and make the friends of my dreams that I’ve only ever seen in coming-of-age films, but I haven’t really made any. I and my flatmates all get on well and we’ve said we’ll meet up next year (If I’m even here next year lmao), but realistically, we probably won’t (or maybe we will like once?). I wanted to become good friends with them all and maybe live together next year but they’ve all got their own friends and are living with other people next year (apart from one who I might be living with). I’m so awkward around them and every other person I meet. It’s like I never really ever be my most authentic self because even when I try to be myself, I blank in social situations and then become all weird and jittery. My sister says that I’m socially awkward and socially inept lol. I hope she’s wrong but I know she’s right. I haven’t had a best friend since I was like in year 8 maybe? And somehow apparently my entire personality went down the drain as soon as me and my best friend drifted apart because whenever I talk to anyone outside my family I always overthink everything I say and end up giving rubbish responses that probably make me seem so bland and boring. I think that’s what happened with my flatmates because I was excited to become really good friends with everyone since I have a few similar interests as some of them, so on paper theoretically, we should besties!!! But we’re not lol sometimes I think I am delusional

I'm also a BIG people pleaser and can never be my most real self (I’ve tried but I overthink and overanalyse everything) and I think that’s probably why I’ll never make any true friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had social anxiety but I don’t think a diagnosis would change anything. It feels like my lack of social skills is unfixable lol

I’ve had loads of opportunities to make friends on my course and through societies, but I’ve wasted every chance. Example #1: I couldn’t speak to anyone on my bench in my lab classes at first and it took me ages to finally buck up the courage to ask someone else a question. Despite all that, I did manage to make one friend in my lab class though! But thinking about it now, she was mostly a “school friend” because we never met up outside of class, she had her own friends who she regularly sat with and would go off to talk to. We mostly just talked about the work because she needed help understanding the task sometimes (she’s an international student and English isn’t her first language). Sometimes, I wondered if she was just using me for help in class, but I feel bad for thinking that way because she was genuinely really nice- I just wish I would have tried harder so we would have become better friends. Example #2: I joined a few societies, even a few which got me out of my comfort zone (I stopped going to most of them because I had no friends in really any of them), and in one society, which I went to a couple times with one of my flatmates but not these times, there was a girl who asked me if I was going to the pub afterwards. I never go but this was literally a prime opportunity to make a friend, and guess what I did! I said NO! I think it was because I was hungry and didn’t like the idea of sitting in a sticky pub with strangers all night. In hindsight, I know that this was a big mistake because 1) I might have finally made a friend so I wouldn’t be so lonely, 2) even if we never spoke again, It might have been an enlightening experience because I’ve never gone to a pub with anyone before (I’ve only walked through them to get to other places). I’m an idiot and hated myself so much after that (I still do). Even when the opportunity presents itself, I still can’t make the most of any good situation ever.

I think this is just me venting, but really I think I’m just procrastinating from cramming for my next online exam tomorrow. I didn’t make any notes for this module at all (or any of my modules) even though I find it pretty interesting and I’ve had to just copy and paste the PowerPoint slides into my notes because I’ve done no studying or revision. I’m going to fail just like I failed the one I had today. I don’t know why I did this to myself? I’m not 100% passionate about my course, but I still do really like it and find it interesting (going through the content last minute has made me want to go through it properly because it's actually so cool but I don’t have time now). It’s also only first year, all my exams are online/ open book and I’ve had in-course assessments too so I don’t even have that many exams, so I’ve had every opportunity to have a healthy school-life balance and get good grades at the same time. If I fail, then it’s my fault. Looking back at the school, I have no idea how I wasted so much time? Why am I sabotaging myself so much? Sometimes, I would stay up so late for literally no reason at all and then I would oversleep and miss my early lectures and then I would fall behind and be unmotivated to catch up because I’m always so tired. I would always never be able to keep up with the lecturers in my modules, which would make me feel stupid and then I’d feel unmotivated again and procrastinate more. And whenever I do get the motivation to better myself, I always aim to overachieve when I can’t even achieve the bare minimum?? It’s like I think I sort of believe in myself a bit too much because I’m delusional enough to believe that I can fit a year’s worth of lecture notes into one evening and then not realise how stupid that is and not stress about it until last minute.

My life is starting to become a blur and my thoughts are so cluttered and I’m wasting what should be the best years of my life. I didn’t have any friends to celebrate my birthday with so I did with my family, which was nice, but wtf!!! I’m 19 !!!! I should be doing fun things but all I do is sit in my room and daydream. I’ve never even been clubbing once whilst at uni, and I know it’s supposed to be tiring and not even that fun especially if you don’t drink (I don’t), but I wish I had still gone at least once just for the experience, but I wasted all my chances to of fear

My sister once said that my life is sad because I’m only living it at like 20% capacity, whilst she’s living her’s at 100% capacity and actually doing things. I agree and I want to change but I will probably die this way. I feel a bit like Lexie from Euphoria (lol ik it’s kind of cringey), but whilst she went and actually did something, I’m stuck and I’m not even making it better for myself. I’ve tried to fix myself with so many self-care routines and exercise regimens but I can’t stick to anything. It’s like the only thing I can be consistent at is doing nothing. I am a waste of space, time and resources and I wish I could give these things to someone who would actually make the most of my situation, but I can’t.

All I do is daydream and live vicariously through media- it’s fun but it’s also kind of sad. I saw a TikTok comment the other day that said “I’ve consumed more media than actual feelings or emotions” and that’s literally me!!!! I live for media like music and tv and films and any type of escapism- I love it and it’s addicting, but it’s also getting in the way of my own life and sucks up all my time. I keep zoning out and daydreaming for hours, and sometimes it’s like I mentally can’t stop? I’ll keep going back to the same daydream to the point where it becomes annoying and stops me from completing simple tasks. I lose so much time daydreaming and I want it to stop, but I can’t. It’s my greatest comfort but also my greatest distraction and I can’t escape it!!!! I read about a thing called maladaptive daydreaming once, but I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or not. It happens sometimes when bad things happen too, like I’ll have a minor inconvenience and instantly get stuck in my head, thinking about how my ideal self would have avoided or dealt with the bad situation better. It’s so draining- like I can’t escape myself or my own thoughts. Listening to music and engaging in any type of media pretty much also kind of triggers it too, which makes me think that maybe none of my feelings are ever real. I’ll feel just a tiny bit sad, listen to a sad song and then I’ll be even more sad and cry but as soon as a happy song comes on, I’m feeling better, but also conflicted. Or I’ll be really really sad and be a mess for a while and then suddenly, I’ll realise how pathetic I am and be absolutely fine and either motivated to change or completely apathetic like I wasn’t even sad in the first place. It’s so weird, it’s like none of my feelings are genuine or even my own. Like I’m just consuming other people’s feelings and emotions- never really feeling for myself. I don’t even know if my tears are real sometimes. Am I crying because the song is sad or because there’s actually something wrong?

I used to think I was creative because I love art and creative media and thought I could maybe work in an artsy job one day, but it turns out that I don’t have a single creative bone in my body lol. That’s just me daydreaming again. If I fail my degree, I don’t know what I’ll do. My parents and sisters will be so disappointed. They’ve sacrificed so much and worked so hard for me. I can’t let them down (like I know I have before) and WASTE £9K A YEAR FOR NOTHING. I think my parents are already disappointed in me, though. I just have a hunch.

Apart from my degree, I’ve always been interested in computer science and wish I had pursued it when I was younger so I could study it more now, but once again, I wasted an opportunity!!!!! I hope I’ll be able to try and pursue it anyway (whether I have the brains to continue this degree or not).

I have so much hatred for myself it's literally so gross, but it’s also weird because, at the same time, I’m also my favourite person ever? I’m the only person who really understands me and I enjoy being alone because I’m not awkward and can do what I want. But that’s also when I’m at my worst. It’s like I’m my own worst enemy and best friend at the same time. It’s very conflicting because sometimes I have very vivid images of harming myself but at the same time, I want to treat myself for doing the absolute bare minimum. It’s weird. I don’t think I’m mentally ill because I have way too many good days and enjoy a lot of things. I have hobbies (which I never pursue because I’m always procrastinating). My life is really good! I have everything- a good education, opportunities, support networks, good people around me, a roof over my head, food, privilege, etc. I should be having an amazing time. It’s my fault that I’m not and I’m getting myself down so much. I feel bad for being a mess because it’s ungrateful- I have everything, so why am I wasting it? The problem is me and I wish I could just cut myself out of the picture (I’m not literally going to). I’m wasting a good life that I’m sure any other person would actually make the most of. I’m a failure even in just trying to live.

It’s been so many hours since I started writing this post and I’ve wasted another day of revision. I’m going to fail that exam tomorrow because I haven’t even started looking at the content and the module is assessed 100% by the exam. I’m so disappointed in myself but I’m not surprised. I wish I could go back in time and redo everything. I daydream a lot about the past and either spend more time there or in the future (overthinking) than I do in the present. I’ve always been able to get by in academics- I’ve been lucky- but I think that might not work this time. I’ve run out of chances and there’s no time left to save myself from failure. I’m even still procrastinating from working by continuing this post.

I don’t know what to do because I’ve had these problems for a long while. I don’t know why I can’t get over them by myself? I just think I need some help and advice because I'm so tired of being this way.

Please excuse any mistakes and typos- I didn't realise I had so much to get off my chest. I’m very tired and I need to go to bed now (I'm going to be tired like usual tomorrow). This is me sabotaging myself again. Bye for now. Thank you for reading.
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Anonymous #2
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Report 1 month ago
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(Original post by Anonymous)
I had an exam today, which I barely revised for. It’s my fault that it went so badly. Genuinely, I think it’s my fault that things haven’t been going so well lately. It’s May now and I’ve completely wasted my first year of university and it’s way too late for me to change anything now. This academic year was supposed to be good for me- I’m at a good uni, on a good course (which I’m not hugely passionate about, but still quite like), in a good accommodation (considering I didn’t get my first halls choice) with good flatmates, and have lots of opportunities and support networks to choose from. From looking at that list, I have everything. There’s literally no reason for me to be sad or to be messing everything up for myself so much. I don’t know why I’m like this and it’s so frustrating because there’s absolutely nothing wrong with my life. It’s like it’s me- I’M the problem.

I started uni in September and instantly fell back into my old habits of procrastination and time-wasting. I think my biggest enemy is myself, but also time because I’ve wasted nearly every day of uni doing absolutely nothing. It was the same towards the end of high school (the beginning is a blur to me now) and all throughout sixth form. I think I was pretty ok/good at school when I was younger so I guess I somehow just turned into a master procrastinator because I can’t submit work to my very best effort ever. I also struggle with constant daydreaming/ zoning out, a lack of organisation, executive dysfunction, time blindness, forgetfulness, and an annoying inability to concentrate and focus.

I’ve been like this since high school and it’s actually a wonder that I managed to get good GCSE and A-Level grades (grade inflation maybe?). Last year, during lockdown, when I was doing my A-Levels, I started to suspect that I had ADHD because I was not getting ANY work done and could never focus. I was like this during my GCSEs, but I just dealt with the stress of getting no work done and then cramming last minute. I guess I was just lucky to have crammed the right content before the right exams. I realised too that I actually have a lot of the other symptoms associated with inattentive ADHD in girls and adults, many of which I can remember I’ve had since I was a kid (I think? Honestly, I don’t think I’m a very reliable narrator). I told my parents and they basically just dismissed it, but let me speak to a GP about it, who also just dismissed it and suggested that I do a self-referral to my local mental health clinic. So I did that and then got referred to online CBT therapy. I was on a waiting list for around 7 months and then when the therapy started it was ok but I could never talk about the ADHD symptoms I thought I had, which was the main problem because I was too afraid to be dismissed again. I recently stopped the therapy because I kept forgetting about and missing the appointments so they discharged me. I wasn’t too sad about it but I feel like I’ve wasted an opportunity to actually get help because I never engaged with the CBT enough to make the most out of it, and now it’s gone.

I understand why no one would believe I have ADHD because I’m generally quite quiet and introverted and a bit socially anxious. It’s weird that I only see these symptoms in myself (I guess they’re more obvious when I’m by myself) because when I’m with my family, I also see symptoms of hyperactive ADHD too??? I blurt out things, unintentionally talk over other people, fidget a lot, distract my sisters and find it hard to stop myself from being annoying and disruptive. I don’t really have any close friends so I really only act like this around my family because I can be myself the most around them (I’m a nervous wreck and don’t speak much around new people). I guess they just think I’m annoying because I’m the last child and that’s kind of my job lol. Maybe it would be more obvious if I actually had friends, though.

But I guess it is also kind of a reach because I only started thinking I had a problem during lockdown and the pandemic was hard for everyone and pretty much everyone struggled with procrastination, so maybe I’m just making this up as an excuse for my own laziness (especially because ADHD is like trendy on TikTok now)/ so I won’t have to face the consequences of my inability to study? It’s annoying because it feels like I’m fully capable of achieving good things and there’s nothing stopping me (I have all the resources in my education and family), but I’m also deliberately sabotaging myself- like I don’t want to myself to succeed, but at the same time I do. I find myself so conflicting- it’s like I’m split into two one side of myself is trying so hard but the other is careless and unmotivated and full of envy and spite and bad things.

Just now, as I’m writing this, my mum called me and asked how uni/ my schoolwork is going. I lied and said it’s going ok (it is not). She told me to make some friends to study with and socialise with lolllll. If only she knew how hard I tried in the beginning (I started giving up towards February)! I just cried and now I feel mostly pathetic! I was excited to come to uni and make the friends of my dreams that I’ve only ever seen in coming-of-age films, but I haven’t really made any. I and my flatmates all get on well and we’ve said we’ll meet up next year (If I’m even here next year lmao), but realistically, we probably won’t (or maybe we will like once?). I wanted to become good friends with them all and maybe live together next year but they’ve all got their own friends and are living with other people next year (apart from one who I might be living with). I’m so awkward around them and every other person I meet. It’s like I never really ever be my most authentic self because even when I try to be myself, I blank in social situations and then become all weird and jittery. My sister says that I’m socially awkward and socially inept lol. I hope she’s wrong but I know she’s right. I haven’t had a best friend since I was like in year 8 maybe? And somehow apparently my entire personality went down the drain as soon as me and my best friend drifted apart because whenever I talk to anyone outside my family I always overthink everything I say and end up giving rubbish responses that probably make me seem so bland and boring. I think that’s what happened with my flatmates because I was excited to become really good friends with everyone since I have a few similar interests as some of them, so on paper theoretically, we should besties!!! But we’re not lol sometimes I think I am delusional

I'm also a BIG people pleaser and can never be my most real self (I’ve tried but I overthink and overanalyse everything) and I think that’s probably why I’ll never make any true friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if I had social anxiety but I don’t think a diagnosis would change anything. It feels like my lack of social skills is unfixable lol

I’ve had loads of opportunities to make friends on my course and through societies, but I’ve wasted every chance. Example #1: I couldn’t speak to anyone on my bench in my lab classes at first and it took me ages to finally buck up the courage to ask someone else a question. Despite all that, I did manage to make one friend in my lab class though! But thinking about it now, she was mostly a “school friend” because we never met up outside of class, she had her own friends who she regularly sat with and would go off to talk to. We mostly just talked about the work because she needed help understanding the task sometimes (she’s an international student and English isn’t her first language). Sometimes, I wondered if she was just using me for help in class, but I feel bad for thinking that way because she was genuinely really nice- I just wish I would have tried harder so we would have become better friends. Example #2: I joined a few societies, even a few which got me out of my comfort zone (I stopped going to most of them because I had no friends in really any of them), and in one society, which I went to a couple times with one of my flatmates but not these times, there was a girl who asked me if I was going to the pub afterwards. I never go but this was literally a prime opportunity to make a friend, and guess what I did! I said NO! I think it was because I was hungry and didn’t like the idea of sitting in a sticky pub with strangers all night. In hindsight, I know that this was a big mistake because 1) I might have finally made a friend so I wouldn’t be so lonely, 2) even if we never spoke again, It might have been an enlightening experience because I’ve never gone to a pub with anyone before (I’ve only walked through them to get to other places). I’m an idiot and hated myself so much after that (I still do). Even when the opportunity presents itself, I still can’t make the most of any good situation ever.

I think this is just me venting, but really I think I’m just procrastinating from cramming for my next online exam tomorrow. I didn’t make any notes for this module at all (or any of my modules) even though I find it pretty interesting and I’ve had to just copy and paste the PowerPoint slides into my notes because I’ve done no studying or revision. I’m going to fail just like I failed the one I had today. I don’t know why I did this to myself? I’m not 100% passionate about my course, but I still do really like it and find it interesting (going through the content last minute has made me want to go through it properly because it's actually so cool but I don’t have time now). It’s also only first year, all my exams are online/ open book and I’ve had in-course assessments too so I don’t even have that many exams, so I’ve had every opportunity to have a healthy school-life balance and get good grades at the same time. If I fail, then it’s my fault. Looking back at the school, I have no idea how I wasted so much time? Why am I sabotaging myself so much? Sometimes, I would stay up so late for literally no reason at all and then I would oversleep and miss my early lectures and then I would fall behind and be unmotivated to catch up because I’m always so tired. I would always never be able to keep up with the lecturers in my modules, which would make me feel stupid and then I’d feel unmotivated again and procrastinate more. And whenever I do get the motivation to better myself, I always aim to overachieve when I can’t even achieve the bare minimum?? It’s like I think I sort of believe in myself a bit too much because I’m delusional enough to believe that I can fit a year’s worth of lecture notes into one evening and then not realise how stupid that is and not stress about it until last minute.

My life is starting to become a blur and my thoughts are so cluttered and I’m wasting what should be the best years of my life. I didn’t have any friends to celebrate my birthday with so I did with my family, which was nice, but wtf!!! I’m 19 !!!! I should be doing fun things but all I do is sit in my room and daydream. I’ve never even been clubbing once whilst at uni, and I know it’s supposed to be tiring and not even that fun especially if you don’t drink (I don’t), but I wish I had still gone at least once just for the experience, but I wasted all my chances to of fear

My sister once said that my life is sad because I’m only living it at like 20% capacity, whilst she’s living her’s at 100% capacity and actually doing things. I agree and I want to change but I will probably die this way. I feel a bit like Lexie from Euphoria (lol ik it’s kind of cringey), but whilst she went and actually did something, I’m stuck and I’m not even making it better for myself. I’ve tried to fix myself with so many self-care routines and exercise regimens but I can’t stick to anything. It’s like the only thing I can be consistent at is doing nothing. I am a waste of space, time and resources and I wish I could give these things to someone who would actually make the most of my situation, but I can’t.

All I do is daydream and live vicariously through media- it’s fun but it’s also kind of sad. I saw a TikTok comment the other day that said “I’ve consumed more media than actual feelings or emotions” and that’s literally me!!!! I live for media like music and tv and films and any type of escapism- I love it and it’s addicting, but it’s also getting in the way of my own life and sucks up all my time. I keep zoning out and daydreaming for hours, and sometimes it’s like I mentally can’t stop? I’ll keep going back to the same daydream to the point where it becomes annoying and stops me from completing simple tasks. I lose so much time daydreaming and I want it to stop, but I can’t. It’s my greatest comfort but also my greatest distraction and I can’t escape it!!!! I read about a thing called maladaptive daydreaming once, but I don’t know if it’s an actual problem or not. It happens sometimes when bad things happen too, like I’ll have a minor inconvenience and instantly get stuck in my head, thinking about how my ideal self would have avoided or dealt with the bad situation better. It’s so draining- like I can’t escape myself or my own thoughts. Listening to music and engaging in any type of media pretty much also kind of triggers it too, which makes me think that maybe none of my feelings are ever real. I’ll feel just a tiny bit sad, listen to a sad song and then I’ll be even more sad and cry but as soon as a happy song comes on, I’m feeling better, but also conflicted. Or I’ll be really really sad and be a mess for a while and then suddenly, I’ll realise how pathetic I am and be absolutely fine and either motivated to change or completely apathetic like I wasn’t even sad in the first place. It’s so weird, it’s like none of my feelings are genuine or even my own. Like I’m just consuming other people’s feelings and emotions- never really feeling for myself. I don’t even know if my tears are real sometimes. Am I crying because the song is sad or because there’s actually something wrong?

I used to think I was creative because I love art and creative media and thought I could maybe work in an artsy job one day, but it turns out that I don’t have a single creative bone in my body lol. That’s just me daydreaming again. If I fail my degree, I don’t know what I’ll do. My parents and sisters will be so disappointed. They’ve sacrificed so much and worked so hard for me. I can’t let them down (like I know I have before) and WASTE £9K A YEAR FOR NOTHING. I think my parents are already disappointed in me, though. I just have a hunch.

Apart from my degree, I’ve always been interested in computer science and wish I had pursued it when I was younger so I could study it more now, but once again, I wasted an opportunity!!!!! I hope I’ll be able to try and pursue it anyway (whether I have the brains to continue this degree or not).

I have so much hatred for myself it's literally so gross, but it’s also weird because, at the same time, I’m also my favourite person ever? I’m the only person who really understands me and I enjoy being alone because I’m not awkward and can do what I want. But that’s also when I’m at my worst. It’s like I’m my own worst enemy and best friend at the same time. It’s very conflicting because sometimes I have very vivid images of harming myself but at the same time, I want to treat myself for doing the absolute bare minimum. It’s weird. I don’t think I’m mentally ill because I have way too many good days and enjoy a lot of things. I have hobbies (which I never pursue because I’m always procrastinating). My life is really good! I have everything- a good education, opportunities, support networks, good people around me, a roof over my head, food, privilege, etc. I should be having an amazing time. It’s my fault that I’m not and I’m getting myself down so much. I feel bad for being a mess because it’s ungrateful- I have everything, so why am I wasting it? The problem is me and I wish I could just cut myself out of the picture (I’m not literally going to). I’m wasting a good life that I’m sure any other person would actually make the most of. I’m a failure even in just trying to live.

It’s been so many hours since I started writing this post and I’ve wasted another day of revision. I’m going to fail that exam tomorrow because I haven’t even started looking at the content and the module is assessed 100% by the exam. I’m so disappointed in myself but I’m not surprised. I wish I could go back in time and redo everything. I daydream a lot about the past and either spend more time there or in the future (overthinking) than I do in the present. I’ve always been able to get by in academics- I’ve been lucky- but I think that might not work this time. I’ve run out of chances and there’s no time left to save myself from failure. I’m even still procrastinating from working by continuing this post.

I don’t know what to do because I’ve had these problems for a long while. I don’t know why I can’t get over them by myself? I just think I need some help and advice because I'm so tired of being this way.

Please excuse any mistakes and typos- I didn't realise I had so much to get off my chest. I’m very tired and I need to go to bed now (I'm going to be tired like usual tomorrow). This is me sabotaging myself again. Bye for now. Thank you for reading.
Hi!! I'm in my first year too and I feel exactly like you right down to feeling that I was creative and realising I'm not. thanks for writing this it was really nice to hear I'm not alone (even though it's really sad that you're in this kind of situation too ). I don't really have any advice for you bc I'm also kinda spiralling bc of online exams right now but if your uni has a department for students with special needs I definitely recommend getting in contact with them. I spoke to mine and managed to get a diagnosis for a learning disability (yay?) it didn't end up helping me in the end bc I procrastinated sorting out my support arrangements but I'd definitely still recommend it maybe it'll turn out better for you. Also you are definitely not pathetic or a loser!! I get the feeling that a lot more people struggle like this at uni than we're lead to believe. its had because in shows students are always either the kid who gets amazing grades and fusses for no reason or the one who doesn't care/ is just a bad student and gets the grades they 'deserve' but obviously its not that black and white and I suspect you've probably been working a lot harder than you think. uni is unbelievably hard and no one really tells you how frustrating it is to see it come so easily to others. As for making friends, maybe try picking up a summer job!! you'll get money (obvs) but a lot of these jobs are aimed at students so it's a good place to meet others. That's what I'm doing at least. Talking with your family helps too I think. Whenever school is weighing on me I talk to my mum and really helps me to remember that I'm a person outside of uni and even if I were to fail spectacularly i'd still have my family (even if they'd be disappointed).

I hope everything starts turning up for you. I feel like I've felt everything you've described and I know how hard it is because it really feels like you deserve all these horrible feelings because you don't work hard enough which also makes it really hard to vent, especially to other students to your parents. But even if you were the worst student in the world it's not a demerit to any other part of you.

Sorry I didn't have any advice but I really hope it helps to at least know you haven't made any mistake no else has before. Good luck!!!
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Anonymous #1
#3
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(Original post by Anonymous)
Hi!! I'm in my first year too and I feel exactly like you right down to feeling that I was creative and realising I'm not. thanks for writing this it was really nice to hear I'm not alone (even though it's really sad that you're in this kind of situation too ). I don't really have any advice for you bc I'm also kinda spiralling bc of online exams right now but if your uni has a department for students with special needs I definitely recommend getting in contact with them. I spoke to mine and managed to get a diagnosis for a learning disability (yay?) it didn't end up helping me in the end bc I procrastinated sorting out my support arrangements but I'd definitely still recommend it maybe it'll turn out better for you. Also you are definitely not pathetic or a loser!! I get the feeling that a lot more people struggle like this at uni than we're lead to believe. its had because in shows students are always either the kid who gets amazing grades and fusses for no reason or the one who doesn't care/ is just a bad student and gets the grades they 'deserve' but obviously its not that black and white and I suspect you've probably been working a lot harder than you think. uni is unbelievably hard and no one really tells you how frustrating it is to see it come so easily to others. As for making friends, maybe try picking up a summer job!! you'll get money (obvs) but a lot of these jobs are aimed at students so it's a good place to meet others. That's what I'm doing at least. Talking with your family helps too I think. Whenever school is weighing on me I talk to my mum and really helps me to remember that I'm a person outside of uni and even if I were to fail spectacularly i'd still have my family (even if they'd be disappointed).

I hope everything starts turning up for you. I feel like I've felt everything you've described and I know how hard it is because it really feels like you deserve all these horrible feelings because you don't work hard enough which also makes it really hard to vent, especially to other students to your parents. But even if you were the worst student in the world it's not a demerit to any other part of you.

Sorry I didn't have any advice but I really hope it helps to at least know you haven't made any mistake no else has before. Good luck!!!
Thank you for replying! Sorry for the late reply, but as soon as my last exam finished I literally just laid in bed and did nothing for like 6 days lol. I'm so glad I'm not the only one feeling like this (but I'm sorry you've felt this way too) because I feel so much less alone now. My uni has a disability service, but from reading their webpage it seems like they only help people who have actually been diagnosed and have evidence, so I'm not sure if they would even bother to help me. But I've decided to just try another GP appointment but with somebody different to the one I spoke to before, so hopefully, that might help?

I totally get what you mean about how uni students are shown in tv shows!!! I think I've just been so absorbed in trying to be this 'perfect' student because of what I've seen on tv and in the other students around me that I've convinced myself that everything I do is not enough. Thank you for reassuring me that it's ok to not always be like that . And, I agree, talking to my family helps a lot, too! Lately, I've been just saying that school is "going fine", but I think I'll try and be more honest from now on because I know my family would appreciate that, even if I did end up failing anyway. And then maybe I wouldn't get so stressed about bottling everything up lol. I think it also helps to know that I am not the only one feeling like this. Now I feel really optimistic like we've both got this and we're going to get through it!!!! :,)

I was supposed to go back home this summer and work in my hometown, so I don't think I'll get many opportunities to make new friends, but I'm actually ok with that now. I think I was so hellbent on making friends because I saw everyone around me doing it and felt left out, but now I'm kind of at peace with it, because I know I'll meet the right people at the right time, so I shouldn't force it. I've made friends with my flatmates and we've arranged to meet up next year, so that's good enough for me right now too. I'm also going to try and work on myself (and "glow up") mentally over the summer, because there's no point in trying so hard to make friends with others if I don't even like myself, so I guess I'll just wait for second year (if I'm able to come back lol). But thanks for the advice!! Hopefully, I'll be able to get a more local job next year when I've finally figured myself out.

Thank you again for your kind words too omg you're so nice 😭😭 I feel a lot better about the situation now so thank you for that as well!!! I hope things turn out well for you too! Have a good summer and good luck as well!!! thank you again for replying :,)
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Thisismyunitsr
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You probably arent cut out for academics. There are 50% of young people at university now. Back in the 1980s there were 5%.

You don't seriously think that the population has gotten 10% more intelligent over the last 40 years, do you? Exams have become easier and degrees have become a requirement rather than an achievement for young people.
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