My bf made a joke about [email protected] me.

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Anonymous #1
#1
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#1
So we’ve been dating for 6 months now and it’s the first time he’s made a joke about this. On FaceTime he just randomly said “I’m coming to your house to [email protected] you” as a “joke”. I’m 16 and he’s 17. When I mentioned how boys joke about it in group chats he said “yeah it’s not that deep” like what????? So now i don’t know what to do….
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blackthorne
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#2
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#2
(Original post by Anonymous)
So we’ve been dating for 6 months now and it’s the first time he’s made a joke about this. On FaceTime he just randomly said “I’m coming to your house to [email protected] you” as a “joke”. I’m 16 and he’s 17. When I mentioned how boys joke about it in group chats he said “yeah it’s not that deep” like what????? So now i don’t know what to do….
Dump him. That's not a joke, and yeah it is that deep. The fact he thinks it isn't is a huge box of red flags. Don't give him a chance. Tell him it's over and block him on everything.

As people always say: when someone tells you who they are, believe them.
12
gtty123
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#3
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That's messed up. Like, really messed up.
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Fenneko
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#4
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Different strokes for different folks. If you don't like it, then just communicate with him.
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nervinez
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#5
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(Original post by Fenneko)
Kink shamers GTFO
Let's not call something as serious as that a k*nk (which is something that should be properly discussed and agreed on between partners, not just sprinkled into conversation???) because it's not. It's a crime. And op is /underage/. Please reflect on that if possible.

And to op, the first thing you do in this kind of situation talk to him. I call it the two strike system for this type of problem. You've already completed that step, but he didn't even take you seriously. That's a major red flag and I'd dump him because who knows what other tasteless teenage "humour" he's got under his belt. At least if he pretended to care you could give him a second chance, but I don't think he's even worth that. Stay safe.
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Ciel.
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#6
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(Original post by Fenneko)
Kink shamers GTFO
wtf, rape isn't a kink, get help
16
elodieowen
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#7
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dump him, you may think its just a joke but if that is his attitude you aren't safe

(Original post by Anonymous)So we’ve been dating for 6 months now and it’s the first time he’s made a joke about this. On FaceTime he just randomly said “I’m coming to your house to [email protected] you” as a “joke”. I’m 16 and he’s 17. When I mentioned how boys joke about it in group chats he said “yeah it’s not that deep” like what????? So now i don’t know what to do….
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xox416
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#8
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#8
I get people say things in jest and don’t mean things literally.

If that’s not the type of person you want to be around using that kind of language, then don’t.
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Fenneko
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Ciel.)
wtf, rape isn't a kink, get help
It can be. There's a kink called "rape play".

(Original post by nervinez)
Let's not call something as serious as that a k*nk (which is something that should be properly discussed and agreed on between partners, not just sprinkled into conversation???) because it's not. It's a crime. And op is /underage/. Please reflect on that if possible.
It's all about context. If you have two people in a - I'll assume - sexually active relationship, then it's only natural that one partner will push the boundaries to see what the other partner is into. This happens all the time in relationships.

The guy could just be joking, in which case it would be classified as dark humour. In either case, whether it's a kink or a joke, the OP just needs to communicate that she feels uncomfortable about it.

Treating this as some kind of premonition that the boyfriend is messed up, or a potential rapist, is juvenile thinking.
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Fenneko
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#10
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#10
(Original post by planktion34)
dark humour ... or just weird and scary?
It's totally subjective, and you're well within your rights to feel that way about it. I'm not saying you shouldn't find it "not weird".
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nervinez
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Fenneko)
It can be. There's a kink called "rape play".



It's all about context. If you have two people in a - I'll assume - sexually active relationship, then it's only natural that one partner will push the boundaries to see what the other partner is into. This happens all the time in relationships.

The guy could just be joking, in which case it would be classified as dark humour. In either case, whether it's a kink or a joke, the OP just needs to communicate that she feels uncomfortable about it.

Treating this as some kind of premonition that the boyfriend is messed up, or a potential rapist, is juvenile thinking.
It's true, he might not be a potential rapist. He also might not he completely messed up. But the main problem is the way he reacted to op expressing discomfort (which I made clear by saying I'd usually give a second chance). Relationships are all about communication. Brushing off a partner's concerns by saying "it's not that deep" is just, not good. In any setting.

And once again. Calling sexual assault in of itself a kink is a harmful thing to perpetuate. Though I personally am not into/advocate for consensual noncon (the actual name) it is not the same as r*pe and also not /handled/ like this. This is an unhealthy way of going about things if that's what he wants. Additionally, once again please do not assume things about ppl's activity behind closed doors? minor or adult, that's strange and may make people uncomfortable.
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Fenneko
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#12
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(Original post by nervinez)
It's true, he might not be a potential rapist. He also might not he completely messed up. But the main problem is the way he reacted to op expressing discomfort (which I made clear by saying I'd usually give a second chance). Relationships are all about communication. Brushing off a partner's concerns by saying "it's not that deep" is just, not good. In any setting.
Based on the limited information, we can't determine that the boyfriend reacted badly. Heck, we don't even know if the OP expressed discomfort, or communicated that she wasn't happy with what he said.

I agree that relationships are all about communication, but you're assuming a lot about the interaction.

(Original post by nervinez)
And once again. Calling sexual assault in of itself a kink is a harmful thing to perpetuate. Though I personally am not into/advocate for consensual noncon (the actual name) it is not the same as r*pe and also not /handled/ like this. This is an unhealthy way of going about things if that's what he wants. Additionally, once again please do not assume things about ppl's activity behind closed doors? minor or adult, that's strange and may make people uncomfortable.
No, rape play is an actual kink. It's like a subset of BDSM.
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Fenneko
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#13
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#13
(Original post by nervinez)
Additionally, once again please do not assume things about ppl's activity behind closed doors? minor or adult, that's strange and may make people uncomfortable.
Strange request, considering that you're doing most of the assuming about the boyfriend. I think it's a perfectly safe assumption that a 16-year-old and a 17-year-old are in a sexually active relationship if they're dating. What's strange about assuming that?
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sufys
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#14
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Fenneko prsom to everything you've said here...

OP should just make it clear that they don't like those types of jokes to her boyfriend, so that he avoids doing it next time.
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Fenneko
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#15
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(Original post by sufys)
Fenneko prsom to everything you've said here...

OP should just make it clear that they don't like those types of jokes to her boyfriend, so that he avoids doing it next time.
PRSOM. I was losing all hope in humanity, and then sufys comes along to save the day :tong:
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SagaciousSag
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#16
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#16
Dump! Rape is not the same as pre-agreed consent. Get away from people like him.
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Surnia
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#17
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#17
Finish with him, as he's immature and has a shockingly disrespectful attitude towards females if he thinks rape is a joke and 'not that deep'. And it's one of those rare occasions when I advise not to do it in person, but over text; he's not worth more. If your family know about him, tell them that you are breaking up, and what he said, so you've got support.

Will you be seeing him again, for example, around school? If so, make sure you have a friend with you for a while and speak up to an adult if anything untoward happens. Take care of yourself and concentrate on school, hobbies and friends. Plenty of time for boyfriends in future.
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Imperviousness
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#18
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#18
That's disgusting. Rape is never funny. He doesn't respect women, bin him faster than a burnt pizza.
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Cote1
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#19
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#19
Dump him.
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ArizonaRobbins
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#20
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#20
even if he was joking, [email protected] is a serious matter
nobody should be joking about that. even if he meant 'consentual [email protected]' like b0ndage then he still shouldn't be saying that. i don't think he knows how deep it is
i say talk to him about it (be like yeah you shouldn't joke about it, and give it from the victim's perspective), and if he's still the same (or isn't really sorry) then DUMP HIM
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