Please grade my short weather description (1-9)

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Maximus The 1st
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#1
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#1
Please grade my weather descriptions and leave recommendations, thank you in advance.

Here they are:

Stormy weather:

Winds flexed their muscles in the East, whipping the clouds into shape, marching them across a molten silver sky. The black jackboots of the rain tramped across the horizon, stamping cold onto the world beneath, as though some long dead tyrant had returned, armed with winter’s fury. Through this nurturing black came bold streaks of light, pulsing starlight, lightning in great networking forks.

A black cape enveloped the sky: cosmic swirls of thunder clouds armoured in battleship grey; those coming behind streaked with the black of coal smoke; those on the horizon nothing but a smudge on a canvas. Beneath, one might shut their eyes and pray for liberation, dreaming of the cavalry of sunlight.
Last edited by Maximus The 1st; 1 month ago
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srija08
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#2
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#2
Your choice of vocabulary/ words along with use of imagery is excellent!!!
Try to think more about structure for a purpose/effect
I would give it 9/10
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Maximus The 1st
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#3
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#3
thanks!
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srija08
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#4
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#4
(Original post by Maximus The 1st)
thanks!
No problem...Happy to help
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Maximus The 1st
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#5
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#5
By sentence structure, do you mean that sentence length should vary more or something else entirely?
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srija08
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Maximus The 1st)
By sentence structure, do you mean that sentence length should vary more or something else entirely?
Yes, sentence structure would be easier to change/ vary but you could also try rhetorical questions or varying paragraph lengths.
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Maximus The 1st
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#7
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#7
Great, thank you! Any examples?
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srija08
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#8
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#8
(Original post by Maximus The 1st)
Great, thank you! Any examples?
Yeah sure...
Winds flexed their muscles in the East... It whipped the clouds into shape, marching them across a molten silver sky.
Also use a wider range of punctuation...eg: : ; - ... [ ]
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Maximus The 1st
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#9
Report Thread starter 1 month ago
#9
Thanks!
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