besides most of the problems in my life i have one big problem i will have with me for the rest of my life.
sorry for the essay.
basically last year i met a girl at work, who i really liked from the off. anyway, things got friendly and she invited me to a party, which i went to.
got drunk, yeah yeah 'no excuse blah blah' and i ended up with some random girl there, and had sex with her. anyway, about 2 months pass, this is like from end nov 07/start dec 07 to about end of jan 08, this year. and i hear shes pregnant.
my heart sank. i did not know this girl (and wasnt really attracted to her) and she was having my kid. ok it maybe wasnt mine if she did it with me she could have done it again but chances are its mine, and im not deluded.
in my mind i thought about things for a week and came to a decision. i did not want her to have it. i thought about ways to get rid and finally, i thought, why not convince her i want to be with her, and that we shouldnt have it NOW, but get things going and have one later in life perhaps. she seemed the lonely type and whatever the reason , even to my surprise she agreed.
within the next few weeks (about a month after) i used my money to pay for the abortion. i had done it. in my head i had sorted everything.
then i turn into the tw@t and finish with her (not that anything was started)but in her mind it had.
anyway, time has passed and im looking back and thinking about it and im ****** up in the head. its drving me crazy. my first child gone.
then come the old 'what if' etc questions and it wont leave me.
and to get where i am now my life is ****** up. losing my friends, addicted to gambling and, more recently ive been drinking alot. ok, i wont lie, have i thought about suidcide? yes.
well at least i have this someone now