my boyfriend has been getting close to another girl and he's texting me lesser now.

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xo.dania
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#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
so for a few months my bf has been getting close to one of my friends. they both have grown close to the point where they are best friends but i dont have a problem with that. the problem is he always shares his feelings with her and not me. a few days ago we had a fight and he told her why he was mad at me and he didnt tell me directly. and it gets me really mad that he does that. he never tells me anything. what do i do? i'm okay with him being friends with her but i want him to trust me. can someone please give me a good way to solve this. i dont want to break up with him because i love him alot.
Last edited by xo.dania; 4 weeks ago
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greenmean
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#2
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#2
How old are you both? That kinda changes how you should handle the situation
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Imperviousness
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#3
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#3
Yikes. That ain't it. You should tell him this.

Ask to meet up in person and tell him exactly what you're telling us. Don't let yourself become a second choice.
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xo.dania
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#4
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#4
(Original post by greenmean)
How old are you both? That kinda changes how you should handle the situation
we're both in highschool. he's a few months older than me.
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rickbonesgrimes
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#5
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#5
talk to ur freind ab it sum aint right here - also why is it only now they have becomje so close .. ur freind should lay down a boundary wth
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xo.dania
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#6
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#6
(Original post by rickbonesgrimes)
talk to ur freind ab it sum aint right here - also why is it only now they have becomje so close .. ur freind should lay down a boundary wth
the thing is i know that they dont like each other. the only problem i have is that i want him to talk to me about his problems. he always says she's better at understanding his feelings but he never gives me a chance to understand his feelings. i'm fine with them being friends but i just want him to talk to me too.
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xo.dania
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#7
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#7
update: so we had a fight about it a few days ago. i mean it wasnt a fight, just a little arguement. i had been avoiding his girl bsf because she had been mean to me. and then in our gc, with my bsf, his girl bsf, me and him, he started asking me why i was being rude to her. and i got mad because he didnt even ask me what happened. he got mad at me for something that wasnt true. apperantly his birl bsf had told him that i was being mean to her and he believed her. and when my bsf tried to tell him that isnt what happened, he called her a liar. i got mad and started ignoring him. eventually he apologised and asked me to explain what really happened. an i eventually sorted it out with his girl bsf. but after that he asked me if i got jealous of him being close to her. i told him yes. and he asked me why so tha he could avoid doing that and making me feel jealous. i told him and all he said was that he wouldnt ever cheat on me with her. and he still talkes to her so much and tells her everything, even after i told him that i wasnt okay with it. any more solutions other than breaking up?

(Original post by Imperviousness)
Yikes. That ain't it. You should tell him this.

Ask to meet up in person and tell him exactly what you're telling us. Don't let yourself become a second choice.
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greenmean
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#8
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#8
(Original post by xo.dania)
update: so we had a fight about it a few days ago. i mean it wasnt a fight, just a little arguement. i had been avoiding his girl bsf because she had been mean to me. and then in our gc, with my bsf, his girl bsf, me and him, he started asking me why i was being rude to her. and i got mad because he didnt even ask me what happened. he got mad at me for something that wasnt true. apperantly his birl bsf had told him that i was being mean to her and he believed her. and when my bsf tried to tell him that isnt what happened, he called her a liar. i got mad and started ignoring him. eventually he apologised and asked me to explain what really happened. an i eventually sorted it out with his girl bsf. but after that he asked me if i got jealous of him being close to her. i told him yes. and he asked me why so tha he could avoid doing that and making me feel jealous. i told him and all he said was that he wouldnt ever cheat on me with her. and he still talkes to her so much and tells her everything, even after i told him that i wasnt okay with it. any more solutions other than breaking up?
You haven't got much of a choice BUT to break up with him at this point. In staying with him, you're violating your own boundaries.
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xo.dania
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#9
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by greenmean)
You haven't got much of a choice BUT to break up with him at this point. In staying with him, you're violating your own boundaries.
i appreciate your help but the thing is i still love him a lot and i dont think i could imaging being without him. i know what he's doing is wrong but he's also done a lot of good things that make my heart flutter. i dont think i can break up with him.
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coffeelover3
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#10
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#10
(Original post by xo.dania)
i appreciate your help but the thing is i still love him a lot and i dont think i could imaging being without him. i know what he's doing is wrong but he's also done a lot of good things that make my heart flutter. i dont think i can break up with him.
yea well in my experience men will just repeat the same sh** they do to girls, the first red flag was that he can't openly talk about his feelings to you but can go off with another girl. i know you're saying he's done a lot of good things etc but thats probably because you're denying all the stuff he's done? i mean if i was in your position i'd wait it out and see if he does some bad stuff again, then i'd be out because its gonna turn into a vicious cycle
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greenmean
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#11
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#11
(Original post by xo.dania)
i appreciate your help but the thing is i still love him a lot and i dont think i could imaging being without him***. i know what he's doing is wrong but he's also done a lot of good things that make my heart flutter. i dont think i can break up with him.
By the sounds of things, he doesn't sound like a bad guy or anything. However, by staying with him after you've expressed that you don't like something (and he continues to do it), you're basically telling him 'my boundaries don't matter to me as much as keeping you around does'. Sending him that message will only encourage him to violate more of your boundaries since you've proven so far that nothing bad will happen if he does violate them.

If you're at a stage where you can't imagine being an entity that is separate from him, you're in too deep and need to focus on yourself a bit more. If you were older, it would make slightly more sense for you to say that*** (you may be living together, have children, be married etc). You're both high schoolers so that just sounds needy and like you need to cultivate self-love a bit more.

Guys that will make your heart flutter are a dime a dozen. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but have some respect for yourself. He will not improve as long as you tolerate his less-than-ideal behaviour. If one's relationship is so bad that a person is going onto the internet to ask strangers for advice, it's basically over anyway. At the end of the day, you probably won't listen to me and you'll get heartbroken in your own time. That's fine, just don't lose yourself in this relationship.

I'm not some heartbroken, jaded girl btw. I'm in a stable relationship, which is why I can confidently say that his failure to take action (when it comes to the issues you have the courage to bring up) is not a good sign. You're both young though so like I said, he's not a bad guy. You both just sound seriously inept when it comes to doing the whole relationship/communication thing (which is absolutely normal for your age).
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xo.dania
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#12
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#12
(Original post by greenmean)
By the sounds of things, he doesn't sound like a bad guy or anything. However, by staying with him after you've expressed that you don't like something (and he continues to do it), you're basically telling him 'my boundaries don't matter to me as much as keeping you around does'. Sending him that message will only encourage him to violate more of your boundaries since you've proven so far that nothing bad will happen if he does violate them.

If you're at a stage where you can't imagine being an entity that is separate from him, you're in too deep and need to focus on yourself a bit more. If you were older, it would make slightly more sense for you to say that*** (you may be living together, have children, be married etc). You're both high schoolers so that just sounds needy and like you need to cultivate self-love a bit more.

Guys that will make your heart flutter are a dime a dozen. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but have some respect for yourself. He will not improve as long as you tolerate his less-than-ideal behaviour. If one's relationship is so bad that a person is going onto the internet to ask strangers for advice, it's basically over anyway. At the end of the day, you probably won't listen to me and you'll get heartbroken in your own time. That's fine, just don't lose yourself in this relationship.

I'm not some heartbroken, jaded girl btw. I'm in a stable relationship, which is why I can confidently say that his failure to take action (when it comes to the issues you have the courage to bring up) is not a good sign. You're both young though so like I said, he's not a bad guy. You both just sound seriously inept when it comes to doing the whole relationship/communication thing (which is absolutely normal for your age).
yeah. i guess that makes sense. i'll think about it. and what i mean by i dont think i can imagine being without him, is that he's my first love. so its going to take a lot to get over him if we break up. but thank you. i'll think aout what you said.
Last edited by xo.dania; 2 weeks ago
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xo.dania
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#13
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#13
(Original post by coffeelover3)
yea well in my experience men will just repeat the same sh** they do to girls, the first red flag was that he can't openly talk about his feelings to you but can go off with another girl. i know you're saying he's done a lot of good things etc but thats probably because you're denying all the stuff he's done? i mean if i was in your position i'd wait it out and see if he does some bad stuff again, then i'd be out because its gonna turn into a vicious cycle
thank you. i'll try to keep a look out if he does anything bad again. and then i'll make my decision, wheather i should stay with him or not.
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xo.dania
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#14
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#14
(Original post by greenmean)
By the sounds of things, he doesn't sound like a bad guy or anything. However, by staying with him after you've expressed that you don't like something (and he continues to do it), you're basically telling him 'my boundaries don't matter to me as much as keeping you around does'. Sending him that message will only encourage him to violate more of your boundaries since you've proven so far that nothing bad will happen if he does violate them.

If you're at a stage where you can't imagine being an entity that is separate from him, you're in too deep and need to focus on yourself a bit more. If you were older, it would make slightly more sense for you to say that*** (you may be living together, have children, be married etc). You're both high schoolers so that just sounds needy and like you need to cultivate self-love a bit more.

Guys that will make your heart flutter are a dime a dozen. I mean this in the nicest possible way, but have some respect for yourself. He will not improve as long as you tolerate his less-than-ideal behaviour. If one's relationship is so bad that a person is going onto the internet to ask strangers for advice, it's basically over anyway. At the end of the day, you probably won't listen to me and you'll get heartbroken in your own time. That's fine, just don't lose yourself in this relationship.

I'm not some heartbroken, jaded girl btw. I'm in a stable relationship, which is why I can confidently say that his failure to take action (when it comes to the issues you have the courage to bring up) is not a good sign. You're both young though so like I said, he's not a bad guy. You both just sound seriously inept when it comes to doing the whole relationship/communication thing (which is absolutely normal for your age).
also, if you're comfortbale with telling me, has it ever happened that your significant other did something you're not okay with? if yes, then how did you guys solve it? you dont have to answer.
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greenmean
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#15
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#15
(Original post by xo.dania)
also, if you're comfortbale with telling me, has it ever happened that your significant other did something you're not okay with? if yes, then how did you guys solve it? you dont have to answer.
Of course! I'd let him know and he'd make sure it didn't happen again. Simple as that. The same applied when I did things he wasn't a huge fan of. You listen, make a change, and carry on loving each other.

If my partner was in your boyfriend's shoes where he doesn't want to cut off his long term friend but he doesn't wanna make me unhappy, we'd find some sort of compromise. We always find compromises when we don't quite agree on things. The things we can't seem to compromise on, I or he just learns to accept. Sometimes when you don't like stuff (especially when it comes to other girls), it's just your insecurity manifesting itself. It's important to ask yourself first whether your discomfort is irrational or valid (like if you'd get jealous seeing him glance at a girl or something) before bringing it to him. In your current situation though I think your discomfort is valid and shouldn't be ignored!

My issue with the guy you're talking about is that he seemed to just say some meaningless words to end the conversation, knowing full well that he wasn't going to make any changes to his relationship with the other girl that would actually make you feel any better, ya dig?
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xo.dania
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#16
Report Thread starter 2 weeks ago
#16
(Original post by greenmean)
Of course! I'd let him know and he'd make sure it didn't happen again. Simple as that. The same applied when I did things he wasn't a huge fan of. You listen, make a change, and carry on loving each other.

If my partner was in your boyfriend's shoes where he doesn't want to cut off his long term friend but he doesn't wanna make me unhappy, we'd find some sort of compromise. We always find compromises when we don't quite agree on things. The things we can't seem to compromise on, I or he just learns to accept. Sometimes when you don't like stuff (especially when it comes to other girls), it's just your insecurity manifesting itself. It's important to ask yourself first whether your discomfort is irrational or valid (like if you'd get jealous seeing him glance at a girl or something) before bringing it to him. In your current situation though I think your discomfort is valid and shouldn't be ignored!

My issue with the guy you're talking about is that he seemed to just say some meaningless words to end the conversation, knowing full well that he wasn't going to make any changes to his relationship with the other girl that would actually make you feel any better, ya dig?
so i thought about everything that you've said and i decided i'll talk to him one last time. i'll ask him to maybe tell me about his problems before telling her or something like that. if he doesnt want to do anything about it, then i'll break up with him.
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greenmean
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#17
Report 2 weeks ago
#17
(Original post by xo.dania)
so i thought about everything that you've said and i decided i'll talk to him one last time. i'll ask him to maybe tell me about his problems before telling her or something like that. if he doesnt want to do anything about it, then i'll break up with him.
Good luck!! I hope it works out :-D
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