please help me to stop being so damn sensitive

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
I hate how sensitive i am. i am always way too kind to people so i've realised i am easily hurt by them when they aren't as nice back.
I have been talking to a course mate for some time now, and from time to time they leave me unread for many many hours, up to a day, other times they respond really quick, sometimes they seem dry yet sometimes they appear friendlier and humerous.
Me being an idiot is always super responsive and too kind. Even after i've been left unread, as soon as they respond i feel myself forgive them and act normal with them when i shouldn't.
we were being friendly and they were even being jokey with me today, which made me feel like we were maybe friends (i keep doing this how do i stop?) then they aired me. First time i was like ok my last messages didn't really need a response.
Laterin the day i sent a snap to be friendly, they opened it and didn't respond and i am very hurt.]

How on earth do i stop being so soft and easily hurt by people who air me and leave me unread for days?
It's not in my nature to ever do the same back, thus it is easy for me to be hurt by it i hate it so much because i get so upset to the point i cannot focus on my studies anymore.
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sarah1234ss
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#2
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#2
Awh, that sounds horrible! I hope you are okay. I understand how you feel because I wouldn't do that either. However, some people aren't quite as considerate, so they may not think they are harming you in any way.

One way I suggest to help is to make yourself more busy. You probably have too much time to overanalyse the little things about the conversations that they don't even notice themselves. Maybe join a society and make friends outside of the flatmates and then you won't have time, or the desire to care too much about being left unread.

Unfortunately some people are not looking for friendship in the same way, however, lots of people join societies specifically to make friends, so you are more likely to find people who will give you the same enthusiasm back!

I don't think you need to be less sensitive, your feelings are valid, listen to them. I suspect you have a current need to be connected to people and therefore feeling rejected hurts more!

I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to hmu, I won't leave you unread LOL ! ahah
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Mentalhealth*12
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#3
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#3
If you're kind to everyone, there's no point in being your friend since there are no perks as you're kind regardless of what they do. If your friends are leaving you unread for days, think of it as a filtering mechanism. You'll eventually find someone who will treat you like you treat them. Friendship is reciprocity. I was talking to someone the other day who was going to ditch some of her friends because she felt that she was making all the effort in her friendship group.

Having said that, you do have to examine for what reason you're messaging them. If you're messaging them for validation, that's a problem. You're never going to be happy unless you can get validation internally.
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Reality Check
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#4
Report 4 weeks ago
#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I hate how sensitive i am. i am always way too kind to people so i've realised i am easily hurt by them when they aren't as nice back.
I have been talking to a course mate for some time now, and from time to time they leave me unread for many many hours, up to a day, other times they respond really quick, sometimes they seem dry yet sometimes they appear friendlier and humerous.
Me being an idiot is always super responsive and too kind. Even after i've been left unread, as soon as they respond i feel myself forgive them and act normal with them when i shouldn't.
we were being friendly and they were even being jokey with me today, which made me feel like we were maybe friends (i keep doing this how do i stop?) then they aired me. First time i was like ok my last messages didn't really need a response.
Laterin the day i sent a snap to be friendly, they opened it and didn't respond and i am very hurt.]

How on earth do i stop being so soft and easily hurt by people who air me and leave me unread for days?
It's not in my nature to ever do the same back, thus it is easy for me to be hurt by it i hate it so much because i get so upset to the point i cannot focus on my studies anymore.
Thanks for the new vocab:

  • leave me unread
  • air me

As for the substance of the matter, people have things to do. They can't necessarily reply to you immediately. Why do you monitor how long it takes for someone to respond to a message, and get upset if they don't open messages. If you get upset at that, I fear for how you will respond to real life challenges.

My advice - perspective. It's an unread message. It's not life or death.
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Mentalhealth*12
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#5
Report 4 weeks ago
#5
(Original post by Reality Check)
Thanks for the new vocab:

  • leave me unread
  • air me

As for the substance of the matter, people have things to do. They can't necessarily reply to you immediately. Why do you monitor how long it takes for someone to respond to a message, and get upset if they don't open messages. If you get upset at that, I fear for how you will respond to real life challenges.

My advice - perspective. It's an unread message. It's not life or death.
Don't agree with this take at all. If you talk to women, many of them get ****ed off with their partner for not responding to messages promptly. Pretty normal behaviour. As a guy, I don't understand it, but it's normal behaviour.
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Reality Check
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#6
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#6
(Original post by Mentalhealth*12)
Don't agree with this take at all. If you talk to women, many of them get ****ed off with their partner for not responding to messages promptly. Pretty normal behaviour. As a guy, I don't understand it, but it's normal behaviour.
That's fine - you didn't need to agree with it
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Anonymous #1
#7
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#7
(Original post by sarah1234ss)
Awh, that sounds horrible! I hope you are okay. I understand how you feel because I wouldn't do that either. However, some people aren't quite as considerate, so they may not think they are harming you in any way.

One way I suggest to help is to make yourself more busy. You probably have too much time to overanalyse the little things about the conversations that they don't even notice themselves. Maybe join a society and make friends outside of the flatmates and then you won't have time, or the desire to care too much about being left unread.

Unfortunately some people are not looking for friendship in the same way, however, lots of people join societies specifically to make friends, so you are more likely to find people who will give you the same enthusiasm back!

I don't think you need to be less sensitive, your feelings are valid, listen to them. I suspect you have a current need to be connected to people and therefore feeling rejected hurts more!

I hope this helps in some way. Feel free to hmu, I won't leave you unread LOL ! ahah
thanks for being considerate, i wish i had people like you in my life as it seems like i always somehow end up with *****y friends 😪 and i've realised most people are not as considerate (clearly!). I just get hurt nowadays, uni has wrecked me emotionally, before uni i wouldn't get this upset but i think because i am internally lonely i get more hurt when people seems disinterested especially after talking to me for so long, that's actually just plain rude.

I do try keep my head in my studies but i have a really bad habit of phone checking, it's terrible. I am being pathetic over seeing if they've opened my message when i shouldn't care. what annoys me the most is that even after i have felt dejected from them kinda 'playing games with my emotions', i still have a sense of happiness when they do eventually respond. I want this response to stop because they clearly are fake and not worth my time.

I think you are right in saying i feel a need to be connected to people, i think so too as i often feel lonely and betrayed so i think on the inside i am desperate for real friendship :/

Thank you so much for your time i appreciate it!
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Anonymous #1
#8
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#8
(Original post by Mentalhealth*12)
If you're kind to everyone, there's no point in being your friend since there are no perks as you're kind regardless of what they do. If your friends are leaving you unread for days, think of it as a filtering mechanism. You'll eventually find someone who will treat you like you treat them. Friendship is reciprocity. I was talking to someone the other day who was going to ditch some of her friends because she felt that she was making all the effort in her friendship group.

Having said that, you do have to examine for what reason you're messaging them. If you're messaging them for validation, that's a problem. You're never going to be happy unless you can get validation internally.
i wish i could stop being kind, i am trying but it is hard to change your nature. when i say i am kind to everyone, i mean like i find it very hard to ignore messages even if they aren't a friend. i have a natural urge to want to help people so can be easily used. how can i become more resilient?
I message people casually, or they may message me about work etc but then show bad habits such as ignoring me and replying a day later when it's convenient for them, it's hard for me to not perceive this as rude from my perspective if you get me :/

People always say you'll find people eventually but it seems like the majority are either fake or temporary which sucks.
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Anonymous #1
#9
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#9
(Original post by Reality Check)
Thanks for the new vocab:

  • leave me unread
  • air me

As for the substance of the matter, people have things to do. They can't necessarily reply to you immediately. Why do you monitor how long it takes for someone to respond to a message, and get upset if they don't open messages. If you get upset at that, I fear for how you will respond to real life challenges.

My advice - perspective. It's an unread message. It's not life or death.
haha you're welcome for the new vocab 😂
I know people have things to do, and if this were true in these people's cases, then of course i'd be stupid to even bring it up. However, i know they are active on their phones as they post on their stories and open up group chat messages, yet leave me unread for a day when they feel like it it seems, then when they do come back it's all casual like i'm nothing to them?
It's not that i'm timing them, it's just that i find it rude and get hurt by the fact that they seem to be choosing not to respond to me when they clearly do have the time.

I wish i could take your attitude on more it would help. You are right- it is just an unread message after all and i'll try not to overthink it. However it becomes hard when these people are people who seem like they are your friends :/
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Anonymous #1
#10
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#10
(Original post by Mentalhealth*12)
Don't agree with this take at all. If you talk to women, many of them get ****ed off with their partner for not responding to messages promptly. Pretty normal behaviour. As a guy, I don't understand it, but it's normal behaviour.
it shouldn't be normal behaviour though should it 😌 i think it's just rude.
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Meduse
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#11
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#11
Is there any particular past experience that may have caused this?

I'm wondering if that's the case.
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Anonymous #1
#12
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#12
(Original post by Meduse)
Is there any particular past experience that may have caused this?

I'm wondering if that's the case.
i think i am just internally lonely. maybe it's because i have always been the super shy, quiet kid, and this has always meant that people never noticed me or included me like they would for the more extroverted people. i have been used a lot due to my kind nature, and stabbed in the back by people i thought were my friends. I just haven't really been respected growing up which has led me to develop trust issues and low esteem.
every time i try to open up to people, they make me feel stupid (like this course mate who actually made me think we may be friends, but a friend wouldn't ignore you would they?)
so i have realised that maybe i get super upset because i crave a real friendship. i have been very lonely at uni too, and i know if i had friends around me here, then this situation likely wouldn't be the same.
people's selfishness hurts me as i'd never do it back.
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Mentalhealth*12
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#13
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#13
(Original post by Anonymous)
i wish i could stop being kind, i am trying but it is hard to change your nature. when i say i am kind to everyone, i mean like i find it very hard to ignore messages even if they aren't a friend. i have a natural urge to want to help people so can be easily used. how can i become more resilient?
I message people casually, or they may message me about work etc but then show bad habits such as ignoring me and replying a day later when it's convenient for them, it's hard for me to not perceive this as rude from my perspective if you get me :/

People always say you'll find people eventually but it seems like the majority are either fake or temporary which sucks.
It's really nice to see that you care for people, but you can't be naive. You'll just become cynical and twisted. It's a fine balance.

A lot of emotional resilience is just self-esteem. If you believe in yourself, you're going to care less if a person doesn't message you back because you know you are worth something and it's their loss.

Try talking to the girl in the class who sits alone. Some of them are basically a bomb waiting to be set off, so you have to be careful, but I'm sure they'll appreciate it and put effort into the friendship.

I like how you replied to all the messages. You're very considerate even though you seem to currently be in a bad place.
Last edited by Mentalhealth*12; 4 weeks ago
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Meduse
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#14
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#14
(Original post by Anonymous)
i think i am just internally lonely. maybe it's because i have always been the super shy, quiet kid, and this has always meant that people never noticed me or included me like they would for the more extroverted people. i have been used a lot due to my kind nature, and stabbed in the back by people i thought were my friends. I just haven't really been respected growing up which has led me to develop trust issues and low esteem.
every time i try to open up to people, they make me feel stupid (like this course mate who actually made me think we may be friends, but a friend wouldn't ignore you would they?)
so i have realised that maybe i get super upset because i crave a real friendship. i have been very lonely at uni too, and i know if i had friends around me here, then this situation likely wouldn't be the same.
people's selfishness hurts me as i'd never do it back.
Sounds to me like you're stuck in a cyclical mindset and are becoming frequently anxious over it. This mindset can be tough to get out of, and I want to remind you that every now and then, you should try to give yourself a break/some relaxation time. It can help. You are worthy of this and I'm sure in the future you will find people who respect you fully.

You've been hurt in the past and uneasy in social situations. You have a hard time trusting people and you don't accept/value yourself enough which makes you 'sensitive'. I'm sorry to hear about this, because I'm sure you're a lovely person. There are other lovely people out there too, you just have to be patient.

You are not stupid. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is. People get a kick out of being demeaning to others because they're experiencing emotional difficulties. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. You're more fragile (not weak, but fragile) and thus an easy target.

Have you ever asked for support? I feel like some counselling/talking therapy would be beneficial in helping you to challenge these negative thoughts.

Lastly, feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to or want any advice on coping strategies (from a cognitive behavioural therapy standpoint).
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Mentalhealth*12
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#15
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#15
(Original post by Meduse)
Sounds to me like you're stuck in a cyclical mindset and are becoming frequently anxious over it. This mindset can be tough to get out of, and I want to remind you that every now and then, you should try to give yourself a break/some relaxation time. It can help. You are worthy of this and I'm sure in the future you will find people who respect you fully.

You've been hurt in the past and uneasy in social situations. You have a hard time trusting people and you don't accept/value yourself enough which makes you 'sensitive'. I'm sorry to hear about this, because I'm sure you're a lovely person. There are other lovely people out there too, you just have to be patient.

You are not stupid. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is. People get a kick out of being demeaning to others because they're experiencing emotional difficulties. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. You're more fragile (not weak, but fragile) and thus an easy target.

Have you ever asked for support? I feel like some counselling/talking therapy would be beneficial in helping you to challenge these negative thoughts.

Lastly, feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to or want any advice on coping strategies (from a cognitive behavioural therapy standpoint).
This is really good advice. I would argue that you need compassion towards yourself for therapy to be effective. Don't ever stop loving yourself. Just don't let it become narcissism.
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sarah1234ss
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#16
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#16
(Original post by Anonymous)
thanks for being considerate, i wish i had people like you in my life as it seems like i always somehow end up with *****y friends 😪 and i've realised most people are not as considerate (clearly!). I just get hurt nowadays, uni has wrecked me emotionally, before uni i wouldn't get this upset but i think because i am internally lonely i get more hurt when people seems disinterested especially after talking to me for so long, that's actually just plain rude.

I do try keep my head in my studies but i have a really bad habit of phone checking, it's terrible. I am being pathetic over seeing if they've opened my message when i shouldn't care. what annoys me the most is that even after i have felt dejected from them kinda 'playing games with my emotions', i still have a sense of happiness when they do eventually respond. I want this response to stop because they clearly are fake and not worth my time.

I think you are right in saying i feel a need to be connected to people, i think so too as i often feel lonely and betrayed so i think on the inside i am desperate for real friendship :/

Thank you so much for your time i appreciate it!
Ah I totally understand! I have definitely felt the same way in terms of giving people loads of chances, but there's nothing wrong with your response in terms of being happy when they respond.

It's nice to have someone reply and then you feel like you've made progress and all the stuff in your head was just a lie, and they are your friend. So maybe you feel relieved and possibly excited to have a friend to hang out with?

I have definitely fallen into this loop myself, but eventually true colours do show and if somebody isn't invested in creating a friendship, then they can end up taking advantage of your willingness. It is unfortunate, but there are nice people out there, so try not to give up hope!

Some advice that helped me in this situation was just to give what you get. (I know that can be hard for giving people haha) but basically it's just about saving your efforts for those who are also putting in the same effort. And those who put in less effort, just give them less effort too.

It's not to say they are bad people at all, but they aren't ready for your friendship, so save it and give it to the people who will cherish it.

They are out there
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Anonymous #1
#17
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#17
(Original post by sarah1234ss)
Ah I totally understand! I have definitely felt the same way in terms of giving people loads of chances, but there's nothing wrong with your response in terms of being happy when they respond.

It's nice to have someone reply and then you feel like you've made progress and all the stuff in your head was just a lie, and they are your friend. So maybe you feel relieved and possibly excited to have a friend to hang out with?

I have definitely fallen into this loop myself, but eventually true colours do show and if somebody isn't invested in creating a friendship, then they can end up taking advantage of your willingness. It is unfortunate, but there are nice people out there, so try not to give up hope!

Some advice that helped me in this situation was just to give what you get. (I know that can be hard for giving people haha) but basically it's just about saving your efforts for those who are also putting in the same effort. And those who put in less effort, just give them less effort too.

It's not to say they are bad people at all, but they aren't ready for your friendship, so save it and give it to the people who will cherish it.

They are out there
yep you totally get me, thank you x
I am trying to 'give what i get' but i'm kinda weak, so hopefully i get sterner over time. I am trying to forget about the fact that the course mate aired two of my messages after being so normal with me. I still want them to message me deep down, but i know i shouldn't care and if they do message i should ignore them because it seems like they are being fake/using me, though i can't tell. This particular person is honestly the most confusing person i've ever spoken to. Do you think i could pm you to get your opinion on it? I feel like you are similar to me and get my situation lol.

And yeh, i try not to upset myself by saying they're bad people, just based off their weird phone habits. when you meet them irl they seem normal but then they ignore messages etc, it's strange and i will never understand it :/
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Anonymous #1
#18
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#18
(Original post by Mentalhealth*12)
It's really nice to see that you care for people, but you can't be naive. You'll just become cynical and twisted. It's a fine balance.

A lot of emotional resilience is just self-esteem. If you believe in yourself, you're going to care less if a person doesn't message you back because you know you are worth something and it's their loss.

Try talking to the girl in the class who sits alone. Some of them are basically a bomb waiting to be set off, so you have to be careful, but I'm sure they'll appreciate it and put effort into the friendship.

I like how you replied to all the messages. You're very considerate even though you seem to currently be in a bad place.
thanks for your help. I have social anxiety so it's hard for me to approach people. our lectures are over now though so i guess i get to start over from next year people seem to have their own groups etc too which makes it harder to push your way in, but hopefully i bump into better people next year.

I will try to work on my esteem a lot more, i know it's my downfall. Also i'd say i am the girl who sits in class alone haha, but i will try look past my anxiety and just talk to people if i can.
Thanks.
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Anonymous #1
#19
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#19
(Original post by Meduse)
Sounds to me like you're stuck in a cyclical mindset and are becoming frequently anxious over it. This mindset can be tough to get out of, and I want to remind you that every now and then, you should try to give yourself a break/some relaxation time. It can help. You are worthy of this and I'm sure in the future you will find people who respect you fully.

You've been hurt in the past and uneasy in social situations. You have a hard time trusting people and you don't accept/value yourself enough which makes you 'sensitive'. I'm sorry to hear about this, because I'm sure you're a lovely person. There are other lovely people out there too, you just have to be patient.

You are not stupid. Anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is. People get a kick out of being demeaning to others because they're experiencing emotional difficulties. This has absolutely nothing to do with you. You're more fragile (not weak, but fragile) and thus an easy target.

Have you ever asked for support? I feel like some counselling/talking therapy would be beneficial in helping you to challenge these negative thoughts.

Lastly, feel free to PM me if you need someone to talk to or want any advice on coping strategies (from a cognitive behavioural therapy standpoint).
yeh you're right, it is a cyclical mindset. my positivity never lasts very long as i always crash back down to this low state which sucks. I can only hope to meet better people some day.
I have thought that i would benefit from therapy quite often, however i genuinely cannot fund it. I have reached out to free help services, which has helped me temporarily. My issue is that i don't know how to bring up my issues to people as i'm one of those who keeps things to myself so not to be a burden on anyone else.
I've never told my family about how low i can get, so it's become like my hidden persona which i feel i cannot express. I think because it's kinda stigmatised that we don't talk about our problems, i just never tell anyone and end up blaming myself.
Thanks for supporting me x
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Mentalhealth*12
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#20
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#20
(Original post by Anonymous)
thanks for your help. I have social anxiety so it's hard for me to approach people. our lectures are over now though so i guess i get to start over from next year people seem to have their own groups etc too which makes it harder to push your way in, but hopefully i bump into better people next year.

I will try to work on my esteem a lot more, i know it's my downfall. Also i'd say i am the girl who sits in class alone haha, but i will try look past my anxiety and just talk to people if i can.
Thanks.
A nice way to start a conversation in a lecture is either through shared interests or a sincere compliment. If someone is talking about the new Dr Strange movie, give your perspective. If someone makes a good point in a lecture and is sitting next to you, compliment them on it. In my opinion, developing social skills at university is just as important as developing academic skills. A lot of success after university comes from networking.

I sort of remember having social anxiety as a teenager, and it was absolutely terrible. It's good that you're finding the strength to just go into lectures honestly. I found a lot of it disappears when you get put into a stressful environment and are just forced to overcome it.

Apologies for the comment about the girls who sit alone being ticking time bombs. It's more that I think that a lot of people like that need therapy or support, which I think you acknowledge in your case.
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