Why have I changed from self-blaming to blaming others?

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Report Thread starter 1 month ago
When I was younger, my parents criticised me a lot and I ended up blaming myself for things that went wrong even though some weren't even my fault, e.g. other children in class being shouted at. Then when I was 18, I moved into an accommodation for university and started listening to a lot of affirmation and motivational videos and this healed most of the anxiety issues I had before then. I no longer had exam anxiety or social anxiety. But then at 21, I got psychosis from not having proper work-life balance and working on university stuff for too many hours a day. I was then having to live back in the family home for two gap years in order to heal my mental health. But with the improved outlook of myself and higher self confidence, I started putting the blame on my parents and siblings for things that went wrong instead of on myself. I felt better and got thicker skin which prevented almost all of their criticisms directed at me to have no effect at all. I got further into self-development by reading articles and kept improving myself according to what I wanted to improve on and not what my family wanted me to improve on. The external locus of control became more internal locus of control. However, nowadays, my parents really hate the fact they can't get me to change things unless I'm the one who wants to compared to when I was younger and I was totally obedient to them.

I'm wondering is it really the change in self-confidence that caused this blame shift or what is it? I'm also starting to feel bad that I'm blaming others but also don't want to attack myself with self-blame because it will hurt me and I've hurt myself emotionally enough during the first 17 years of my life.
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Report 4 weeks ago
It seems that you went through what many young people (including myself) go through during their adolescence. And I have to admit you did a very good job in analysing and looking for ways to improve, so well done!

Now, what seems happening is that you still care a lot what other people think of you, which is perfectly normal as humans are social beings after all, but it is never possible to please everyone. You need to find balance.

I know what I'm going to say next may sound a bit selfish, but you need to be selfish to a certain extent. At the end of the day, you are the only one who cares the most about you, so be the best friend to yourself.
So... I suggest to find a way to care less about what everyone else think about you, including your parents, close friends, people on the internet, etc.
Your internal content is more important than other people's feelings.
For instance, this is perfectly normal for parents to be resistant to the change of their child character once their kids grow up. I'm 30+ and my mom still thinks I'm a kid. I don't blame her, I still listen to her, but I take any input as suggestions and then make my own decisions. Sometimes my decisions align with her suggestions, sometimes they don't. And it's perfectly okay.

Also, forget about where do you direct your blame. Look for a solution rather than who to blame. Blaming yourself or the others won't change anything.
It doesn't matter who is at fault, all that matters is what to do next. Decisions and solutions instead of self digging.
In essence, make your own decisions, build your life the way you want it to go. You are an adult.

I hope that helps at least a little, all the best,

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