Is this the start of something bad?

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Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
#1
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now. He recently mentioned to me that the clothes I wear make him uncomfortable. For instance, I was going down to breakfast at our hotel in a low cut top. It was a basic crop top comfortable and I didn’t see the issue. However, he kept asking me is that what your wearing? Do you think it’s appropriate to wear for breakfast? Etc. and seemed shocked which made me feel upset.

When I confronted him about it he said that he should have a right to address things that make him feel uncomfortable. The issue is I often feel as though I can’t wear something and have started to feel very insecure in my clothing choices. In addition to this he dresses like a drug dealer (he often gets pulled over by police because of this). So I guess it just feels like he has no right to comment on it especially given what he wears on the daily.

He also mentioned that this was a similar situation to how I addressed feeling uncomfortable when he liked bikini pictures of other girl on Instagram. I personally believe when you are in a relationship you don’t like pictures of girls in bikinis because it’s like why are you doing that?! I didn’t think that was fair.

What should I do?
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AzureCeleste
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#2
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#2
Wear what you want to wear, it's your life and you deserve to feel comfortable in the clothes you are wearing
You don't want to be with someone who is controlling what you wear- he needs to accept that, maybe find out why he feels uncomfortable with you wearing crop tops. They are quite a normal item of clothing many individuals wear

Also I'm beyond curious what he wears that he is actually getting pulled over by the police for looking like a drug dealer
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Anonymous #1
#3
Report Thread starter 4 weeks ago
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(Original post by AzureCeleste)
Wear what you want to wear, it's your life and you deserve to feel comfortable in the clothes you are wearing
You don't want to be with someone who is controlling what you wear- he needs to accept that, maybe find out why he feels uncomfortable with you wearing crop tops. They are quite a normal item of clothing many individuals wear

Also I'm beyond curious what he wears that he is actually getting pulled over by the police for looking like a drug dealer
I think he just doesn’t like me showing my cleavage in the morning lol I don’t know why though. Haha just what you’d expect, chain, ripped jeans and this puffy coat which in fairness would make anyone look like a drug dealer.
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xox416
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#4
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#4
(Original post by Anonymous)
I think he just doesn’t like me showing my cleavage in the morning lol I don’t know why though. Haha just what you’d expect, chain, ripped jeans and this puffy coat which in fairness would make anyone look like a drug dealer.
Maybe he thinks others would be offended.
And he's the type to think there's a time and place for everything and showing tatas early in the morning in a public setting isn't one.
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ran-dumb
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#5
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I don't think its controlling for him to feel uncomfortable, maybe he doesn't want to be turned on first thing in the morning with the whole day ahead. Its of course your choice what you wear.
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xox416
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#6
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#6
It could be a redflag...he might be implanting that seed..that has you now feeling insecure. That could lead into more controlling ways.

Dress how you want.
Last edited by xox416; 4 weeks ago
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Dunnig Kruger
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#7
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The 2 of you appear to be incompatible in how you resolve conflict.
He picks away and criticises you. And that makes you feel bad and undermines your confidence.

Your boyfriend should be a huge source of self-esteem reinforcement.

The disappointing reality is that there are so many men that are poor at self-esteem reinforcement. Because they're idiots when it comes to sharing their life with another person.

A man that was compatible with you when it came to conflict resolution, wouldn't mention in a negative way your clothing. They would either keep schtum or word it in a positive / diplomatic way. EG "We can do breakfast later. Let's go upstairs. Where I will take that top off you!"

A man that's more compatible with you on the conflict resolution wouldn't build up tit for tats. EG you had a go at me for looking at bikini pictures so I'm going to have a go at you for that top.
That's just childishly petty. It's combative. Adversorial. A far better approach would be one of not keeping score. Letting things slide. Talking to you as if you are an equal and beloved partner. Being co-operative.

The root of this is that he's displaying a lack of emotional strength. That's unattractive.

Try to guide him in how you want him to behave. How you're looking for a man with huge emotional and mental strength. Not some petty little brat wrapped in a man's body.
If he's a great man for you in all other respects: give him 2 months to start sorting out his inner philosophy. If he doesn't start improving: dump him.
If he has other major flaws or incompatabilities with you - eg his approach to earning / spending / investing money then you should have dumped him yesterday.

What you get in relationships is a honeymoon period where both people are on their best behaviour. 6 months to 2 years in and this wears off and you get to the stage where each other's good points are taken for granted and the focus is on any and every "bad" point.
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londonmyst
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#8
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#8
Always trust your gut instinct and listen to what your common sense is telling you.
It is your choice what fashions you choose to follow and who you are willing to date.
Also your choice if you want to keep dating a guy who suddenly decides that he is uncomfortable seeing you wear a crop top and other clothes where some cleavage is visible.

I understand some of how you feel.
Over the years, I've had a lot of criticism of my appearance and the impressions my fashion sense projects of my background & personality.
Not just from bf's or potential dates.
Also from members of my religious fanatic grandmothers vicious cabal, my parents most toxic pals, their foul associates and preachy loudmouths with a modest fashions agenda.
Whenever a bf tried any of that type of thing more than once, I walked out on him and cut contact.
None of them had criminal records or drug habits and had never had the police mistake them for drug dealers.

Even now I still get regular questions about what I choose to wear and asked to explain the reasons why.
Frequent supply of overbearing jerks and religious whackos with lots of idiotic remarks along the lines of "does your father/mother/boyfriend/husband/big brother feel comfortable with the way you dress?'.

Try to remember that life is too short to waste your valuable time and emotion on those that only bring their negativity, lies or attempts to shame/control/coerce/emotionally blackmail you to your life.
Plenty of more attractive single fish in the dating sea.
Good luck!
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